It is Easter Sunday, March 27th, 2016. Mark, Teal’s son’s father, and I are holding Winter’s hands as we walk, swinging him forward with each step. He delights in this, asking us to do it over and over again. Teal is on my right, and Blake, Gabija, and Graciela are just behind us as we begin a small hike in the Utah wilderness. Easter egg hunting is a tradition that Teal started with our intentional community years ago. As I observe Winter’s joy and feel the mutual appreciation between Mark and me, a pang of sadness grips my heart. My children seem so far away. I miss them and wonder why we are prevented from sharing the love we have for each other. I start to dream about a day when my ex-wife, our children, Teal, and I could hike together and enjoy each other’s company. Given the current situation, landing on Mars seems easier. However, I am a man of faith, and this wouldn’t be the first time in my life that I’ve beaten the odds.
My parents divorced when I was ten. My mother left us to be with the love of her life, to whom she is still married today. I was left with my dad, who quickly remarried. My stepmother felt threatened by the presence of my sister and me, seeing us as competition. Already crushed by my mother’s abandonment (which I interpreted as a sign that something was wrong with me), I knew I couldn’t endure another abandonment. My sister and I were difficult to connect with due to the divorce, but my stepmother’s insecurities led her to do everything she could to send us back to our mother. She created painful situations for us, only to twist them and prove to our father that we were treating her badly, resulting in our discipline.
Once, when I was eleven, we were in the woods with our dad, and he suggested we pick wildflowers for our new stepmother. His idea was that this would help us all get along. When we brought the flowers home and handed them to her, she took them with exasperation and threw them in the trash. I was in shock. It felt like I had opened myself up to her, trying to please my father, only to have my heart ripped out. I felt like those flowers represented me—something to be disposed of. That feeling continued for much of my life.
My stepmother also made my mother the enemy. She quickly became pregnant, trying to secure her place and push us out of the picture. My father gave up on us without ever truly disappearing. Living in a different part of France with our mother, he visited only twice a year, shunned by my stepmother before and after each visit. His visits, filled with the heaviness of his heart, often made us feel worse.
It was only later in life that I realized the double abandonment I experienced when my father sent us back to our mother. I had failed to keep my father after losing my mother because I couldn’t make his new wife happy. Deep in my subconscious, I felt I needed to prove I could get my father back by making my stepmother happy.
When I was 26, I met my ex-wife and quickly fell in love, not realizing I was marrying my stepmother. Both were Aries—organized, responsible, emotionally unavailable, judgmental, black-and-white thinkers, hardworking, inflexible, with borderline narcissistic traits and social anxiety. I was a match for her because I was codependent, desperately craving to be needed and to belong, struggling with self-worth and abandonment issues. From the outside, our life seemed good: we were successful Silicon Valley professionals with great kids, a nice house, and fun, exotic vacations. But our relationship was rocky from the start, filled with crises typical of a codependent/narcissistic toxic relationship. I did everything to keep the marriage together, promising myself that my children would never experience the trauma of divorce that I did. For me, the idea of them suffering like I had was non-negotiable. I told myself I had to make it work until they went off to college.
In the last two years of our marriage, I became increasingly aware of my longing for a spiritual, introspective woman with whom I could fully experience intimacy. I had been spiritual since my first awakening at 19, but my ex detested spirituality, seeing it as something for hippies disconnected from reality. I started to entertain the idea of my own happiness, considering that it might be better for the children to have happy, separated parents rather than miserable, married ones. Exactly 15 years after we met, my ex and I mutually agreed to separate.
For the next two days, I was overjoyed about the decision, feeling that a brand-new life full of promise awaited me. This was followed by a brief period of depression as fear of the future set in. I moved into a small apartment next to my ex-in-laws and allowed myself to go through all the emotions of grief. Within a month, I felt healed and ready to move on. I was resolved, having fully realized the potential of that relationship, and I harbored no resentment. I wanted to do the best for the children during this transition. We prepared a script, and my ex and I did a good job announcing the separation to the children. We cried together on the couch, reassuring them that the separation had nothing to do with them and that we loved them very much.
During that time, I took my mother-in-law and ex-grandmother to a wedding out of state. We kept a pre-booked family vacation to New York, Philadelphia, and Washington, DC, and I celebrated my ex’s birthday with the children there. There was tension, especially as we discussed the financial aspects of the divorce, but it was manageable. I could spend time with the children whenever I wanted, and communication was relatively functional.
However, everything changed when, during a therapy session six months after our separation, I told my ex that I was starting to date Teal. That revelation triggered an all-out war. For nine months, we’ve been caught in this conflict, the greatest source of stress for Teal and I but also the greatest source of our growth. I will spare you the individual incidents of abuse towards Teal and myself, focusing instead on the overarching events.
Man’s law is not fair; the law of attraction is fair.
I managed to negotiate a court order with a detailed custody agreement allowing me to see the kids one week a month in California and for them to vacation with us in our Park City home. This agreement was violated from the start by my ex. I would make reservations or plan trips, only for her to tell me at the last minute that the kids were not ready to spend time with me. After repeated violations, I filed for contempt of court to enforce my custody rights. Her response was to file a Child Protective Services report against me while I hadn’t seen the children for a month. At the hearing, she presented slanderous content about Teal from the Internet, convincing the emergency screener that Teal was a dangerous cult leader who should not have contact with the children. The children, well-rehearsed, expressed their terror of Teal despite never having met her. The court, misinterpreting Teal’s social media following as a cult following, ruled that my children should have no contact with her. This temporary order also stated that I had to return the children anytime they wanted to be with their mother, effectively stripping me of custody due to their alienation and dependence on their mother.
Kids usually side with the emotionally abusive parent.
It is counterintuitive, but it makes sense. Kids focus on self-preservation, avoiding the wrath of the emotionally abusive parent while understanding that rejecting the non-abusive parent has little consequence. This leads to a destructive behavior called emotional parentification, where the child becomes the parent’s confidante, champion, and surrogate partner. This is extremely unhealthy, robbing children of their childhood and making it difficult for them to have normal adult relationships later in life. In my case, my son became the man of the family, replacing me, and my daughter became her mother’s protector, both bearing burdens too heavy for their small shoulders.
Children are treated simultaneously as irresponsible minors and responsible adults in cases of parental alienation.
My children were nine and eleven when we finalized the custody rights. They were not consulted in the process, as courts typically consider minors’ opinions only after they turn fourteen. My ex and I signed the initial custody agreement without consulting them. Therapists often spend more time understanding the children’s wishes, but they miss the parental influence. In our last court hearing, despite their young age, the court took my children’s wishes seriously, not realizing they were well-rehearsed. Initially, I fought hard to spend time with my children, understanding their abuse towards me as a transfer of their mother’s anger. However, I realized that whether influenced by my ex or not, they still experienced those emotions as theirs. Forcing them to spend time with me would only traumatize them and further alienate them from me. Effective reconnection requires either support from the custodial parent or waiting until the children genuinely desire to reconnect.
Custody battles are corrosive to your relationship.
Custody battles are corrosive to relationships. Despite sharing my life with a very conscious woman, this situation has been the biggest source of tension between Teal and me. Fortunately, all the tension in our relationship stems from external events, as we treasure every moment we spend together. No woman wants her life constantly disrupted by an ex’s latest flare-up, and it is difficult to accept that a bond with another woman, due to children, can never be undone. But when the ex directly attacks the new partner, joins a hate group, and disparages her in court by obtaining a temporary order labeling her a dangerous cult leader, the struggle takes on a whole new magnitude. When the children of the man you love have been programmed to hate you and make you the scapegoat for their distress, it is no longer a normal blended-family situation. Compound this with Teal’s post-traumatic stress, history of abuse, separation anxiety, ostracism trauma, and extraordinary sensitivity, and you can better understand why this situation has become hellish for her. I pray every day that she can withstand this pressure, continue to love me, and want to share our lives together despite all this torment. At this point, my ex is nothing short of obsessed with making my life miserable. Therefore, it is critical to put buffers between myself and her, ensuring that therapists are involved in our communications to avoid escalation and the abuse so common in codependent relationships like ours.
Should children always be the priority?
In high-conflict divorces, therapists and court personnel are trained to prioritize the children’s interests far above the parents’ personal desires and wishes. While this makes sense at first glance because children are defenseless and conflict is so damaging to them, I have had multiple therapists discourage me from introducing the children to Teal. They suggested I take vacations alone with the kids and avoid mentioning Teal, arguing that Teal, as an adult, should understand that the kids should come first.
Teal is incredibly supportive and conscious, but it would not be self-loving for her to have a partner living a double life and making her a lesser priority. Due to her complex PTSD, Teal also suffers from separation anxiety, and my trips to California for business and to visit the kids already bring her a lot of torment. Taking separate vacations without her would put even more stress on our relationship, which is my lifesaver today. Without her love and support, I am unsure if I could face all the current challenges in my life. The truth is, the children will not be ready to meet Teal until my ex allows it or until they grow up and develop more independence from her. Following the experts’ advice would leave me at the mercy of my borderline narcissist ex, keeping me single and miserable to comfort her belief that I am doomed without her and that I have destroyed her life by separating from her, regardless of whether the divorce was mutually agreed upon.
Unfortunately, my ex uses our children as pawns to control me, damaging them in the process. The temptation to give up to protect the children from conflict is strong. Custody battles like mine are like Solomon’s dilemma. Two women in a village fought over a baby, both claiming it as theirs. Solomon suggested cutting the baby in half so each could have a piece. One woman agreed, while the other refused, saying the other woman could have the baby. This revealed the true mother, willing to sacrifice her claim for the child’s sake. In my situation, it is tempting to retreat from my ex’s toxicity and focus on my new relationship. But I am aware of the abandonment trauma it could create for the children. It is a lose-lose situation. In severe parental alienation cases, when support from the custodial parent is impossible, I have learned it is best to be patient, stay present in the children’s lives with periodic messages of love and gifts, and wait for them to initiate contact. Unfortunately, reconnection can take many years, if it ever happens.
Be true to your values.
I have come to understand that no matter what I do today, my children will reject me because they have accumulated a lot of grief from our high-conflict divorce, and my ex’s unresolved emotions are being actively transferred to them. It is unrealistic to expect a different outcome. From that perspective, it makes no sense to act in a way that would make me look good to external observers instead of acting out of personal integrity. Today, my life is with the woman I love, and I see no reason to hide or pretend she does not exist. My children need to understand that it is conditional love to demand a relationship with me only if Teal is not in the picture. Both Teal and I understand that we must be careful in introducing her to my children. We planned a six-month delay for the introduction, but my ex did everything to prevent it. Now, after nine months, my ex managed to get the court to block the introduction. Therapists have been avoiding the topic, falsely assuming that reconnecting with my children first would make it easier to introduce Teal later. They fail to understand that what my children and ex say and do in front of specialists differs from their actions when not observed. The children have made it clear without specialists watching that they will not accept Teal because my ex has made her the scapegoat for the divorce, their father’s absence, and their mother’s pain. They will not be ready to see or accept Teal until my ex is ready for them to do so, and she is unlikely to ever be ready.
It is hard for me to have hope, as my childhood divorce situation was less dramatic than my children’s. My mother never prevented my stepmother from seeing us or badmouthed her behind her back. My mother posed no threat to my stepmother, who was included in every family gathering and was never barred from joining my father on visits. Still, it took 25 years for my stepmother to agree to meet my mother, catalyzed by a fallout between my ex-wife and my stepmother. Both my mother and stepmother shared stories of their pain from being alienated from my children by my ex. Years ago, my ex decided she didn’t want my children to spend time with my French family, and they haven’t seen any of them for years.
To be true, I cannot put my life on hold for that long. Many people would be ecstatic to include a stepmother like Teal, who is wise, fun, and kind-hearted. Unfortunately, she has been portrayed as an evil witch, and my children miss out on the benefits of this connection.
Internet research: the good, the bad, and the ugly.
With the court system and many therapists behind the curve on parental alienation, finding online content has been a lifesaver. Books like “Divorce Poison” and “Overcoming the Co-Parenting Trap” have been helpful, but the most valuable knowledge has come from Dr. Craig Childress, whose insights fit my situation precisely. While knowledge doesn’t immediately solve the ordeal, it helps me accept it, feel better about it, and develop a plan for resolution. However, internet content can have pitfalls, as it’s easy to find perspectives that justify your anger, vindictive impulses, and self-righteousness. This can isolate you and deepen a vengeful mindset, creating more pain and torment.
I was also surprised to find many support groups for alienated men. Our patriarchal society means women have little power, so they often control children’s lives. The justice system is biased towards mothers and against fathers before you even step into the courtroom. Enforcing your rights as a father is difficult. You are vilified whether you fight for your children or give up.
Message to my children:
I think of you and miss you every day. When I imagine us reconnecting as we did before the divorce, I find naive tears welling up in my eyes, which I try to repress to keep my hopes in check. No matter who you are or what you do, I will always be there for both of you. I see and feel your pain, and I am deeply sorry for it. I have made mistakes along the way, but I promise you that I have never given up on you. Every day, you are at the center of my focus, working towards resolving my conflict with your mum so that we can all be happy together within this new, separated family structure. You have every right to feel the way you do, and I want to work things out with you. I long to be close to you again, to laugh and enjoy life together. When you are ready, I hope you will give Teal a chance. She is a wonderful woman, and you would enjoy talking to her and learning from her. My daughter, you and Teal share a passion for horses, fashion, and arts & crafts. My son, you would enjoy skiing with her and sharing your excitement for dance. I love you now and forever.
Message to my ex:
I know much has been done and said, and it is hard to forgive. We have been told repeatedly that our conflict is damaging our children. By healing our relationship, we heal our children. By giving up on winning against each other, we make our children win. I have my flaws, and you have yours. We can continue to manipulate our world to make ourselves look like the good guy and the ex the bad guy, but for what purpose? People either do not care, or they can see through us and feel ashamed for both of us and sad for our children. Whether we like it or not, we will be family for the rest of our lives because we have children together. We were lovers, best friends, partners, husband and wife. We spent a significant part of our lives together, immortalized through our children. We do not need to hate each other. When you are ready, I would like to earn your trust and respect and maybe become friends again in the future. Life is too short to fight. Please allow me to see the children for 30% of the time as we agreed in the divorce settlement, to meet their future stepmother, and to spend time in our Park City home. This is all I am asking. You will get more free time for yourself, save money, and the kids will enrich their lives with a second family. We have everything to gain by taking a path of reconciliation and everything to lose by keeping the war.
Message to the Tealers:
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love and support. As Teal’s partner, I feel privileged to receive your love too. Your gentle words, unconditional support, and caring responses have meant a lot to me and have given me courage during these trying times. Complete strangers have often shown me more affection and appreciation than family and old friends. I embrace you as my soul family. To finish this blog, I would like to ask you one last favor. Please go inside your heart and visualize an Easter egg hunt with Teal, me, Winter, members of our intentional community, my children, and my ex. All of us having fun together, sharing jokes, connecting, and watching the kids run into the Utah wilderness to be the first to find the candies. Your prayers and heartfelt intentions can change the world. Please make this miracle of love that we were meant to create together possible.