Moving from a dysfunctional codependent relationship to a conscious one – Part II

Light at the end of the tunnel, finally a conscious relationship

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Read part I

Even after many years of struggles in codependent and abusive relationships, it is possible to mature into a conscious relationship. Once the lessons have been learned, we finally see light at the end of the tunnel. Intimate relationships have been a source of torment, despair, frustration and powerlessness. They now become the most beautiful part of our life. Our life deepens and we get to experience the purity of the love within our heart through the most magnificent mirror of romantic connection. What does this relationship feel like?

1. Personal Work

Because of the law of attraction, the partner we love is the mirror of who we are, mostly the unexpressed aspects. Therefore, the better person we become, the better partner we will attract. A beautiful and enjoyable romantic partnership can only be the mirror of genuine self-love. For this reason, inner work is and will continue to be the biggest factor in attracting, loving and keeping this special person.

Inner work, meditation

In a conscious relationship, we remember that our partner is a mirror. When they trigger us, we remember they are helping us to become aware of unsavory aspects we have repressed. We enjoy the good times, and we go into introspection during the challenging times to learn and become a better version of ourselves. If we think the behavior of our loved one has nothing to do with us, then we will not have strong reactions. We can either be supportive or feel indifferent, and lose interest. But if we are triggered, then we can be assured that it is about us. With experience, we learn to discriminate more and more accurately what is our stuff, and what is their stuff when a conflict arises. And we learn to discuss it in a vulnerable way to increase self-awareness and intimacy.

We learn to be alone while not feeling lonely. We do not need someone to complete ourselves. We do not need to marry someone to relive our childhood traumas. We are no longer afraid to be abandoned or betrayed. We understand that love is within us and not outside. So even if a breakup occurs, we know for certain that after we have grieved, the love within us will manifest an even better partner than before. This works as automatically as a sick body will eventually get healthy because health is our natural state of balance as we follow our inner guidance and get enough rest. We are able to make the best decisions for the relationship and ourselves because we are not driven anymore by the fear of ending up alone.

The people in a relationship are more important than the relationship itself. While it is wonderful to enjoy longevity in a relationship, we understand that there is no guarantee. As human beings, we keep changing and growing and sometimes people grow in different directions. It does not make anyone wrong, though the process of uncoupling can be so painful.  We can only share happiness with our beloved if we are happy ourselves. To keep sacrificing oneself is not sustainable. We need to put our self first with the sincere hope that our partner will want to stick around, and we understand that they need to put them self first too. We understand the fragility of romantic love, as it requires so many conditions to truly blossom. For this reason, we never take it for granted and revel in every moment of deep intimacy. Sometimes, we love our partner so much that we understand that it is best for us to step away if we see that we are limiting their growth.

As we accept the free will of our partner, we are able to experience a new form of love that is not possessive. We do not feel threatened by the growth of our partner, thinking they may leave if they outgrow us. On the opposite side, we want them to reach their full potential. We understand that the love can only get better as each partner commits to becoming the best they can be. We want to experience two hearts that choose to love each other in complete freedom, a love that is genuinely unconditional.  We accept that our partner may say no to us at times. It could be no to joining on an activity, no to sex, no to help us out, no to an external commitment and we trust them that they have taken our best interest in consideration. We work on our own abandonment or self-esteem issues or insecurities when this happens without attempting to manipulate them.

We commit to know ourselves and to be authentic. We commit to own both our light and shadow. Unless we know who we are, we appear unpredictable and unsafe to our partner. As we acquire self-knowledge, we understand our core needs and we are able to communicate effectively about them. We are honest, we act with integrity and we have healthy boundaries. When we have a conflicting need, we find a creative way for both partners to get their needs met.

Healthy boundaries

The more we own our shadow, the more we can create a container for our partner’s shadow so that we can both bring more of ourselves into the relationship for deeper intimacy. The more we own our shadow, the less likely it is for any shame to disrupt the relationship. The more we own our shadow, the better we can support our partner’s emotional healing without judgment.

2. Building a life together

While the commitment to self comes first as it is the healthy foundation for anything we bring into our life, a relationship takes nurturing and commitment. A romantic partnership is like a beautiful flower that needs its daily intake of nutrients, good soil, sun, and water. An intimate connection is the co-creation of two individuals. It is a third entity in addition of the two individuals, not an entity that is supposed to overthrow the same individuals that brought it to life in the first place.

Building our life together

Take it Slow. It takes time to know a person. People have a tendency to move too fast together after having sex. Sexual chemistry may be irresistible at first but it will eventually wane off as incompatibilities surface. Sexual attraction is an indicator of the potential of a relationship for personal growth, while compatibility is the best indicator for longevity. Genuine trust is built slowly through repetition. Taking any step back in a committed relationship is very damaging so it is better to advance slowly but surely. Only commit when you are ready to do it, but then be consistent.

Become an expert on other person. We tend to forget it but the main reason to be in a relationship is to love and to be loved, to experience joy and happiness. Therefore, the better we know our partner, the easier it is for us to make them feel loved. It is critical to know their love language, how they feel appreciated, what opens their heart, how they feel cared for. The more you bring joy into their lives, the more your partner will feel inspired to reciprocate if s/he is not narcissistic. Be curious and keep asking questions to know your partner better every day. We should give at least five times more compliments than constructive feedback on how our partner’s behavior is affecting us negatively.

In its lower form, sex can be used for control and a way to release negativity. However, when used consciously, the benefits are immense. The regular mixing of Yin & Yang sexual energy of two lovers is excellent to their health. Sex can become a sacred ritual when the energy from the genitals gets refined in each subsequent chakra to eventually open the crown chakra. It allows the lovers to experience ego death in a divine embrace. It opens the door to some of the highest pleasures we are able to experience on this earth. It promotes playfulness and intimacy. It brings heaven on earth.

sexual union, tantra

Many of us make the mistake of loving romantic partners for their potential and not for what they are today. While people can change, this is a long process so this type of expectation puts unnecessary stress onto the relationship. To truly love someone is to love his or her shortcomings. This makes it a safe place for our partner to grow without shame. We are able to see and love the whole person, without idealizing or demonizing him or her.

A conscious intimate relationship is the experience of togetherness without losing oneself in the process. It is the merging of freedom with responsibility and commitment.

We give without expecting anything in return. Unless absolutely necessary, we only do things for our partner when it comes from our heart to keep the relationship pure and unconditional. And by doing so, we raise our vibration and we move our center of gravity from the ego to the heart, to experience life at a much higher level.

We focus on creating joy and happiness for our partner. More and more, their bliss becomes our own, and their smile reflects the delight of our heart. We have no need to claim our value because it is already there as we wonder at the love in their eyes.

We strive to be sensitive towards our partner and we extend the same concern to our close ones. We ensure to be on the same page, and if we are not, we at least become aware that we are not. We are patient and understanding in solving our differences.

empathy

Self-improvement means encouraging and feeding the highest aspects within us, and starving the unsavory ones. We need to have the same commitment towards our partner. When a shadow aspect manifests but we do not feel our partner could take the constructive feedback, just ignore this aspect in silence. But under no circumstance should we feed their shadow otherwise it will come back to bite us. I once had a partner who had megalomaniac tendencies. I would be encouraging but never to the point where her ego could take the better of her. Unfortunately, she had a manager that was in love with her, and would continuously put her on a pedestal. He used her shadow to make her leave me so that he could get married with her. However, he is now the one who has to deal with the monster he has created.

3. Communication

There cannot be a relationship without communication. Communication can be verbal and non verbal. Communication is what harmonizes the uniqueness of two individuals so that a third entity, the relationship, may be created. The quality of your relationship is first determined by the quality of your communication. Communication is the invisible thread that makes the dance of relationships possible.

communication

When our partner talks to us, we figure out the best course of action. Do they just need to vent? Do they need their pain to be validated? Do they need to be felt, seen and understood through active listening? Do they need to feel protected and loved? Are they actually looking for advice? (rarely) Do they want to explore a philosophical subject? (rarely)

We strive towards achieving the best balance in sharing our problems and worries. We share vulnerably what troubles us for deeper intimacy, however we are careful not to overwhelm our partner with our challenges. We develop a sense of how much our partner is able to handle without being dragged down. If they get triggered, they will make our state worse and not better anyway. We accept the fact that our partner has limitations just as we have limitations. We put our individual problems into the right container, as we understand our partner is sacred and should not be the recipient of our own dysfunction. We make it a priority to share the positive aspects of life over the struggles. We develop a habit to see the glass half full rather than half empty without living in denial.

In the medical profession, the Hippocratic oath teaches us to abstain from all intentional wrongdoing and harm. I believe the same applies to intimate relationships. While it is impossible never to hurt an intimate partner that is so close to us, we commit never to do it intentionally. And if we do hurt them, we become introspective so as to understand on how not to do it anymore.  On the opposite, we commit to do everything in our power to bring more joy and happiness into their life.

Kindness is the antidote for shame. Kindness promotes safety in the relationship. When communication and interaction with our beloved is infused with kindness, we relax. We need less time alone to recharge because we are able to do it even more effectively in their quiet presence. Kindness allows an intimate relationship to become a refuge.

kindness

Authenticity comes with responsibility. We become aware how speaking our truth or acting from our authentic self may negatively impact our partner. We anticipate their reaction so that we can best communicate about our needs while minimizing negative impact for them. For example, if you have an urge to climb the Himalayas, you do it in a way that will guarantee your safety and at a time when your spouse can have extra support at home with the children.

Please be careful with what you are committing to because a broken promise can permanently damage the trust in the relationship. Trust is the foundation of intimate relationships. It takes one hundred consistent positive actions to earn trust but one failed promise can demolish everything. So be aware of your limitations. I recently saw a young couple where the woman was struggling with sexual inhibition because of a traumatic past of sexual objectification. We realized that she needed more space for her sexual healing so the young man committed never to initiate sex anymore and that he would leave it entirely to her. This idea came from a noble aspect of him however he was unaware of other parts of him that were unable to hold this promise. As a result, I suggested that they schedule sex once a week intentionally and leave the rest to her. This way, he will not be completely starved sexually and he could more easily create the space she needed for her sexual healing.

A relationship agreement is a wonderful way to clarify in writing how a couple can maximize happiness for each other. It brings focus and consistency in their efforts to nurture the relationship. It needs to be light and flexible for spontaneous love but precise enough to foster commitment. I encourage the couple to write an update of the relationship agreement every year as people keep changing and evolving. It should however never be used as an instrument of control, but as a gentle reminder for the partners’ dedication to love each other in the best way possible.

4. Conflict resolution

conflict resolution

Shame is like a hot potato. We throw it at each other because we are afraid to get burnt. Arguments escalate the same way as we throw back and forth the burning shame to each other. Here is an example. The husband arrives late from a long day at work and a business dinner with clients. Wife says “The kids were acting crazy tonight. I am exhausted. I hate living with an absent husband. You are never here with us”. The husband feels ashamed. It triggers his self-worth issues so he responds “Well, there needs to be someone here to pay for the mortgage, and your weekly visit to the hairdresser”. Now this triggers the wife’s insecurities that she is not good enough, and she feels guilty to take care of herself so she goes into a fit of rage. Owning the shame is what breaks this circle. The husband could have simply responded “Yes, I feel bad that I let you down tonight again. I understand you need a caring husband on your side to raise our beautiful children. I am sorry”. Then she may vent a little bit more her frustration but there is no more escalation. This couple can come close again.When we need to give feedback on something that is bothering us in the relationship, we have to learn to do it in a vulnerable way and by taking full responsibility for our feelings. “I cannot stand my life with an absent husband. You are never here with us” becomes “I am struggling with the fact that you are so busy at work. I feel I am distancing myself from you because we do not spend enough time connecting with each other”. “You are such a nagging bitch” becomes “I am starting to struggle with my self-worth because I feel I cannot make you happy no matter hard I try. I am starving for appreciation and connection”. “You are so selfish and only thinking of yourself when you have sex with me” becomes “I felt very alone and objectified when we had sex last night. I am starving for a deeper connection between us. I want to feel that we care as much for each others pleasure as we do our own”. This approach mitigates shame and allows for the beginning of a conscious discussion instead of an argument.

fragile heart

A relationship is fragile, and has potential dangers from outside (life circumstances and other relationships) or inside (incompatibilities). The couple cannot be naïve about them and instead should develop full awareness of what is menacing their union. Some of these negative external influences could be: toxic in-laws, friends not in support of the relationship, difficult stepchildren brainwashed by a jealous ex, a very demanding boss, health or financial issues, or civil unrest. Relationship threats related to various incompatibilities are even more challenging, and it takes conscious communication and a lot of flexibility not to affect the relationship negatively. While most of the time together should be focused on positive aspects, it is critical to acknowledge what could have a negative impact and not sweep it under the rug. Love is precious but it is so fragile. Awareness will advert many dangers.

I am often asked the question on what to do when both partners get triggered at the same time. Ideally, both partners should isolate in a separate room to figure out their personal trigger. It can take the form of journaling, meditation or another healing modality. In this case, the partners are incapable of being a helpful container so it is best to do the work alone. Then they can come back together later and share what they have learned in a vulnerable way after they have calmed down. However, someone with an anxious attachment style may feel even more triggered if his or her partner disappears when a conflict occurs. In this case, I recommend they stay in the same room together as they work separately in silence with their own triggers.

It is a paradox but to be able to handle conflicts successfully, we should not be afraid of conflicts. If we give in because we are afraid of our partner’s negative emotions whether it is rage or despair, we are abandoning ourselves. Nothing gets solved this way, and we keep repeating the same unconscious patterns over and over again. It is natural to be afraid but a conscious relationship demands that we do not act from a place of fear. We acknowledge the fear but we continue to act from our highest truth, no matter what the consequences are. If our partner is not able to love us enough to handle our authentic truth, then we need to accept the fact that we may be better off with a different partner. Many teachers have said that fear and not hate is the opposite of love. Let’s learn to embrace conflict rather than running away from it. Let’s bring as much conscious awareness as possible during the conflict so that we can learn from our disputes.

love me with my hairy arms

It is natural to have preferences in the way our partner looks or behaves. We can express our personal preferences however we should never use any form of manipulation such as intimidation or blackmail to control our partner’s behavior or looks. We need to respect their free will and wait for them to take this action from their own volition. Let’s say your girlfriend does not shave her underarms and you find this unattractive. You may express your preference however if she is genuinely attached to her armpit hair, you should let it go. If this is a reason for you to break up with her, then she is definitely better off without you as it shows you are unable to love her the way she is.

Rather than seeing a relationship trigger as a curse, we need to rewire ourselves to see it as an opportunity. A trigger can be seen as a long and strong rope to recover lost and buried aspects within us. They can teach us invaluable lessons, promote self-knowledge and personal healing like nothing else. They bring to our awareness existing problems that need to be addressed. They help us improve our communication. If tackled properly, they help us deepen the intimacy with our partner.

conscious relationship

Conclusion

Intimate relationships are challenging but there is nothing else that has the potential to bring us as much happiness, growth and wisdom. A conscious relationship is the ultimate reward of many years of trying, failing and learning to love. This is why many forms of art have been obsessed with romantic love and intimate partnership. It is the most beautiful reminder on this earth of the rapture of divine love. Never give up on the dream to love and to be loved.

Love and Compatibility

Access the French version (video en Français ci-dessous)

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love compatibility

Years ago, I went to an Esalen couples workshop and the facilitator shared some wisdom that marked my memory. He said that intimate relationships need three key ingredients to become a lifetime commitment. First, the partners need to love each other. If the attraction is not there, they will never be able to commit and overcome all the obstacles they will inevitably face. Secondly, they need to be compatible as otherwise their differences (cultural, diet, interests, values, social class, etc…) will eventually erode the love they have for each other and turn any passionate romance into a nightmare. Thirdly, they need relationship tools and continuing relationship education to keep increasing their awareness and communication. The third point was an astute and clever way to promote their workshop 😉 I loved that recipe when I heard it. It made complete sense and it felt achievable at the time. I do not feel as hopeful today because I have observed that compatibility and love rarely go together. The person we are crazy about will always push our worst buttons. They will often stretch us to the point of collapse as they are meant to help us re-experience our deepest childhood traumas according the Imago theory. On the other hand, I have witnessed in my life and my friends’ life that we rarely experience chemistry with the people that we get along so well with. They make great friends and companions but poor lovers. We are facing a dilemma. If love & compatibility do not go together, which one is the most important to ensure a happy and fulfilling relationship? Should we favor companionship over passion?

Indian arranged marriage

An arranged marriage is a marital union where the families (parents, guardians, even extended families) of the bride and groom decide on the match based on a number of rational compatibility criteria rather than the couple choosing their own partner. In India, historically, most marriages have been arranged marriages. Divorce rates in India overall are pegged at about 1.2 percent vis-à-vis a divorce rate of about 53 percent in the US, a country where love marriages are the norm. Even in India, rates of divorce in love marriages are much higher than in arranged marriages. Actually, as many as 90% of all Indian marriages are arranged and 74% of young Indians (18-35 years old) prefer an arranged marriage to a free-choice one. So if we were to evaluate relationship success by their durability, marriages that were formed through compatibility instead of love were 44 times more successful!

the 6 types of love according to the greeks

The Greeks had six different words for love. They also valued Pragma (longstanding love) over Eros (sexual love). They did not think too of Eros as something positive. On the opposite, they viewed it as dangerous, fiery, irrational and as an addiction that will surely bring you to your demise. On the opposite, they praised Pragma, which was about making compromises to help the relationship work over time, and showing patience and tolerance even in the absence of love and passion.

Pierre Corneille

Classical French literature shares the same sentiment. Jean Racine, 17th century French dramatist, starts many of his plays with an all-consuming love story that is plagued with external obstacles: refusal from the beloved, family opposing the union, state matters, conflicting feelings such as guilt, leading eventually to tragedy. The other great 17th century French playwright, actor and poet Molière describes passion as a possession state that endangers our discerning and discriminating abilities. Reason should be preferred over passion at all times. Corneille, the other great French tragedian of that time, goes even further. In his plays, duty always wins over passion despite the initial internal conflicts. The hero is a master of himself and stays lucid in any situation.

CS Lewis

More recently, in the 20th century, the famous British novelist and poet C.S. Lewis is quite explicit in his book called The Four Loves. Lewis praises too arranged marriages over love unions. “I am not at all subscribing to the popular idea that it is the absence or presence of Eros which makes the sexual act “impure” or “pure”… If all who lay together without being in the state of Eros were abominable, we all come of tainted stock… Most of our ancestors were married off in early youth to partners chosen by their parents on grounds that had nothing to do with Eros. They went to the act with no other “fuel,” so to speak, than animal desire. And they did right; honest Christian husbands and wives, obeying their fathers and mothers, discharging to one another their “marriage debt,” and bringing up families in the fear of the Lord.” Lewis warns us against worshiping a false god in Eros “Of all loves [Eros] is, at his height, most god-like; therefore most prone to demand our worship. Of himself he always tends to turn “being in love” into a sort of religion. Theologians have often feared in this love, a danger of idolatry. I think they meant by this that the lovers might idolize one another… The real danger seems to me not that the lovers will idolize each other but that they will idolize Eros himself.” To Lewis, romantic love is simply doomed and short-lived “And all the time the grim joke is that this Eros whose voice seems to speak from the eternal realm is not himself necessarily even permanent. He is notoriously the most mortal of our loves… What is baffling is the combination of this fickleness with his protestations of permanency.”

Christian Grey Teasing Anastasia Steele

Let’s now leave these respectable historical minds and dive into the best seller (just after Harry Potter) of the 21st century “50 shades of Grey” from E.L. James that sold 125 million copies and was translated in 52 languages. I actually only got to see the movie trilogy for the first time with a friend this week. I had low expectations and actually the story plot was well thought out, at least much more than what critics expressed. I believe in the wisdom of popular success over expert opinions. Christian Gray and Anastasia Steele are clearly incompatible. He is a sadistic sociopath magnate that can only get turned on by dominating and objectifying women. She is an openhearted, sensitive and romantic virgin who wants an equal relationship with her man. Mrs Robinson, Christian’s first S&M mentor, is well aware of this incompatibility and attempts to warn the lovers about the futility of their union. Despite all odds, Christian gets actually transformed and healed through their love as he connects more and more to his heart. Anastasia gains a lot of self-confidence and personal empowerment through the relationship. The story shows the cathartic power of love. If Christian and Anastasia had been rational, saw clearly their incompatibilities and believed in them, they would have given up on each other. They chose love over reason and received the ultimate gift. Of course, this is an American novel with a happy end. The lovers get it all: passion and eternal love. Aspects of the story feel far from real life experience. The lovers handle their conflict with too much ease but we embrace this story novocain in our desperate need to believe that true love is possible and can last forever.

Phoenix raising from its ashes

It is true that most love stories driven by Eros rarely experience the same joyful fate. The statistics do not lie and love unions are marked by instability and are often short-lived. They are however more transformational and life changing than any other relationships. As I mentioned recently, I fell in love 6 times but none of these relationships have endured the test of time. Despite the pain of break-up, the heartaches, the conflicts and all of the challenges, they all have come with incredible gifts, accelerated my growth and transformed me more than any other experience in my life. Carole led me to the beginning of my spiritual journey when I was 19. I emigrated to the USA because of Laurence when I was 22. I left the cult I was a part of at 23 thanks to Janna. Danielle helped me heal the biggest trauma of my life (mum’s abandonment) and opened my spirituality to a new level. Alina catalyzed my success in the 3D world and gave me two beautiful children. Finally, Teal brought me to my authentic self, among many other gifts. Every one of these women has crushed me and it felt every single time that I would never recover. However, like a phoenix that obtains a new life by arising from the ashes of its predecessor, I have been transformed and improved every single time. They have relentlessly killed the old and the false in me so that I could wake up to my true potential more than any books, workshops, spiritual teachers or organizations could have ever done. I just wish sometimes the process would be more gentle!

Chemistry between two lovers

So I am going to go against accepted norms here. I am claiming that the center that governs our sexual attractions has actually the fastest and most sophisticated brain of all. In a fraction of a second, it can see the life-changing potential of associating with a partner. It is closely associated with our soul purpose. And soul does not care about pain, permanence or fairness. It only cares about evolution, awareness, inner growth and opening your heart. An intense chemistry is always reflecting a quality that the infatuated person needs to develop. In most cases, they need to open their mind and their heart to what they need instead of what they want. If Christian Grey had stayed stubborn that he needed a person that would accept all clauses of his S&M contract then he would have stayed miserably unhappy in isolation, and continued to destroy many other women in the process. Chemistry denotes a yearning of the soul for an important missing quality in the personality. The problem occurs when the gap between the soul and the personality desires is too wide to be bridged because of unresolved traumas. In this situation, break-ups are incredibly painful. We think we keep attracting the wrong type of partners but in fact we keep sending the wrong type of signals because we are not healed. Let me give you some examples extracted from clients’, friends and personal experience about the transforming power of love relationships.

  • A shrewd businessman is attracted a very sensitive woman but his lack of attunement keeps hurting the feeling of his beloved. If he is conscious that his behavior is triggering his loved one then this relationship has the potential to restore his sensitivity that was lost in the harsh and cold corporate environment.
  • An insecure and needy woman is attracted to an independent and self-confident. man. If he shows sensitivity to her feelings and that she becomes aware that her possessiveness and control dramas are coming from her fears then this relationship has the potential to support her self-confidence, healing and autonomy.
  • A materialistic and down-to-earth woman and a spiritual and introspective man fall in love. If there is enough love between them two, the woman will become more open-minded and introspective and the man will become more grounded in his spirituality.
  • A strong willed and emotional woman and a quiet, introvert and mental mind fall in love. This is an opportunity for her to use her mind to better channel her emotional state and for him to get in touch with his repressed feelings and become more sensitive.
  • An over controlling man fells in love with a fiercely independent woman. Through that relationship, he will learn to loosen his grip on control, jealousy and possessiveness. He will learn to become more spontaneous.
  • A super ambitious, successful and boasting man fells in love with a down-to earth, humble and self-sufficient woman that is able to challenge him when he is off. This relationship will be critical for his ego not to get out of control and take the better part of himself. This way, he will stay connected to people and not objectify them.

Incompatibility with love has tremendous healing power and can support us to become the best version of ourselves. It works best when the partners are aware of their weaknesses and sees how the relationship is supporting their growth.

Vaillant in Utah Canyonlands National Park

Am I being the devil’s advocate to praise Eros over Pragma? In the center of my being, I can only hear these words resonate “Fuck Compatibility and Choose Love over Reason”. It may not be for everyone but this is my truth. The poet Khalil Gibran used to say “Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.”. Too much suffering can also drive a man to the psychiatric hospital. It is up to each one of us to decide how much adversity we can take and transform so that we can live our lives accordingly.

Read Love & Compatibility – Part II

French translation below – Article en Français ci-dessous

Voir la vidéo

Il y a des années, j’ai assisté à une conférence sur l’amour dans le couple à Esalen en California et le présentateur a partagé une sagesse qui a marqué ma mémoire. Il a dit qu’un couple a besoin de trois ingrédients clés pour vivre le bonheur à deux sur le long-terme. Premièrement, les partenaires doivent s’aimer. Si l’attraction n’est pas là, ils ne pourront jamais s’engager et surmonter tous les obstacles auxquels ils seront inévitablement confrontés. Deuxièmement, ils doivent être compatibles, faute de quoi leurs différences (qu’elles viennent de leur culture, leur régime alimentaire, leurs intérêts, leurs valeurs ou leur classe sociale, etc…) finiront par éroder l’amour qu’ils ont l’un pour l’autre et transformeront leur passion en cauchemar. Troisièmement, ils ont besoin d’outils relationnels et d’une formation continue sur la communication de couple et l’intimité. Bien sûr, le troisième point était un moyen astucieux et intelligent de promouvoir leur conférence 😉 mais j’ai beaucoup apprécié cette recette quand je l’ai entendue. Cela avait du sens et semblait réalisable à l’époque. Je ne me sens pas aussi optimiste aujourd’hui car j’ai constaté que compatibilité et amour vont rarement de pair. Il semble que la personne dont nous sommes fous amoureux a toujours cette capacité à nous faire sortir de nos gonds. Ils vont être ceux qui vous nous pousser à bout car ne sont-ils pas censés nous aider à revivre nos traumatismes de l’enfance les plus profonds d’après la théorie bien connue d’Imago. D’autre part, j’ai remarqué dans ma vie et celle de mes amis que nous sommes rarement attirés par des personnes avec lesquelles nous nous entendons si bien. Ils font de bons amis et compagnons, mais de pauvres amants. Nous sommes donc confrontés à un dilemme. Si l’amour et la compatibilité ne vont pas ensemble, que devons nous faire pour vivre une relation heureuse et épanouissante? Devrions-nous privilégier l’amitié plutôt que la passion?

Un mariage arrangé est une union matrimoniale où les familles des futurs mariés décident du mariage en fonction d’un certain nombre de critères de compatibilité rationnels mais aussi astrologiques plutôt que de les laisser choisir leur propre partenaire. En Inde, historiquement, la plupart des mariages ont été arrangés. Les taux de divorce en Inde est à environ 1,2%, contre un taux de divorce d’environ 53% aux États-Unis, un pays où les mariages d’amour sont la norme. Même en Inde, les taux de divorce dans les mariages d’amour sont beaucoup plus élevés que dans les mariages arrangés. En fait, pas moins de 90% des mariages indiens sont arrangés et 74% des jeunes Indiens (âgés de 18 à 35 ans) préfèrent un mariage arrangé à un mariage à choix libre. Donc, si nous jugeons de la réussite d’un mariage par leur durabilité, les mariages formés par compatibilité plutôt que par amour auraient donc une probabilité de succès 44 fois plus élevée!

Les Grecs avaient six mots différents pour parler d’amour. Ils préféraient Pragma (l’amour inscrit sur la durée et la compatibilité) sur Eros (la passion et l’amour sexuel). Ils ne voyaient pas Eros de manière trop positive. Au contraire, ils considéraient la passion comme dangereuse, ardente, irrationnelle et comme une dépendance qui vous mènera sûrement à votre perte. Au contraire, ils faisaient l’éloge de Pragma, qui visait à faire des compromis pour que la relation dure dans le temps et encourageait le couple à faire preuve de patience et de tolérance même en l’absence d’amour et de passion.

La littérature française classique partage le même sentiment. Jean Racine, dramaturge français du XVIIe siècle, commence nombre de ses pièces avec une histoire d’amour qui consume tout et semée d’embûches extérieures: refus de la famille bien-aimée, famille opposée à l’union, conflits entre États, sentiments opposés tels que la culpabilité conduisant à la tragédie . L’autre grand dramaturge, acteur et poète français du XVIIe siècle, Molière, décrit la passion comme un état de possession mettant en danger nos capacités de discernement et d’entendement. La raison devrait être préférée à la passion en tout temps. Corneille, l’autre grand tragédien français de cette époque, va encore plus loin. Dans ses pièces, le devoir l’emporte toujours sur la passion malgré les premiers conflits internes. Le héros est maître de lui-même et reste lucide dans toutes les situations.

Plus récemment, au 20ème siècle, le célèbre romancier et poète britannique C.S. Lewis est assez explicite dans son livre intitulé The Four Loves (les 4 amours). Lewis loue aussi les mariages arrangés «Je ne souscris pas du tout à l’idée populaire selon laquelle c’est l’absence ou la présence d’Eros qui rend l’acte sexuel « impur » ou « pur »… Si tous ceux qui dormaient ensemble sans être à l’état d’Eros étaient abominables, nous tous viendrions de souche souillée… La plupart de nos ancêtres ont été mariés dans leur jeunesse à des partenaires choisis par leurs parents pour des motifs qui n’avaient rien à voir avec Eros. Ils sont allés à l’acte sans autre “carburant”, pour ainsi dire, que le désir animal. Et ils ont bien fait; Des maris et des femmes chrétiens honnêtes, obéissant à leurs pères et à leurs mères, s’acquittant l’un envers l’autre de leur «dette de mariage» et élevant des familles dans la crainte du Seigneur. »Lewis nous met en garde contre l’adoration d’un faux dieu en Eros« De tous les amours [Eros ] est, à sa hauteur, très semblable à Dieu; donc les plus enclins à demander notre culte. De lui-même, il a toujours tendance à transformer «l’amour» en une sorte de religion. Les théologiens ont souvent craint dans cet amour un danger d’idolâtrie. Je pense qu’ils voulaient dire par là que les amants pourraient s’idoliser les uns les autres… Le vrai danger ne me semble pas que les amants s’idolâtrent mais qu’ils idolâtrent Eros lui-même. ” Pour Lewis, l’amour romantique est tout simplement condamné et de courte durée”. Et l’ironie est que cet Eros dont la voix semble parler du royaume éternel n’est pas nécessairement lui-même permanent. Il est notoirement le plus mortel de nos amours… Ce qui est déconcertant, c’est la combinaison de cette inconstance avec ses protestations de permanence. ”

Laissons maintenant ces écrivains célèbres et plongeons dans le best-seller du XXIe siècle, «50 nuances de Grey» de E.L. James qui a vendu 125 millions d’exemplaires et a été traduit en 52 langues. Je suis un peu en retard et j’ai vu la trilogie la première fois avec un ami la semaine dernière. J’avais peu d’attentes sur le scénario mais j’ai trouvé l’intrigue bien pensée, du moins beaucoup mieux que ce que les critiques ont exprimé. Un succès populaire de cet envergure ne vient pas par hasard. Dans cet ouvrage, Christian Gray et Anastasia Steele sont clairement incompatibles. C’est un magnat sociopathe sadique qui ne peut être excité que par la domination et l’objectivation des femmes. C’est une vierge au cœur ouvert, sensible et romantique qui veut une relation égale avec son homme. Mme Robinson, qui a éduqué Christian au sadomasochisme, est bien consciente de cette incompatibilité et tente de mettre en garde les amoureux de la futilité de leur union. Malgré toutes les obstacles, Christian devient un bien meilleur homme poussé par son amour pour Anastasia alors qu’il devient de plus en plus sensible et humain. Anastasia gagne beaucoup en confiance en elle et de l’autonomie grâce à cette relation aussi. L’histoire montre le pouvoir cathartique de l’amour. Si Christian et Anastasia avaient été rationnels, ils auraient vu clairement leurs incompatibilités et se seraient quittés. Ils ont choisi l’amour plutôt que la raison et ont reçu le cadeau ultime. Bien sûr, ceci est un roman américain avec une fin heureuse où les amants tirent le gros lot avec la passion et l’amour éternel. L’histoire semble irréaliste et les amants gèrent leur conflit avec trop de facilité, mais nous adorons cette histoire car elle réveille en nous le besoin désespéré de croire que le grand amour est possible et peut durer éternellement.

Il est vrai que la plupart des histoires d’amour guidées par Eros connaissent rarement un destin joyeux. Les statistiques ne mentent pas et les unions d’amour sont marquées par l’instabilité et sont souvent de courte durée. Ils sont cependant plus transformateurs et formateurs que toute autre relation. Je suis moi-même tombé amoureux 6 fois mais aucune de ces relations n’a résisté à l’épreuve du temps. Malgré la douleur de ces ruptures, des chagrins d’amour, des conflits et tous les épreuves, ces relations m’ont beaucoup apportées, elles ont accéléré mon développement personnel et elles m’ont transformée plus que toute autre expérience de ma vie. Carole a catalysé ma quête spirituel quand j’avais 19 ans. J’ai ensuite émigré aux États-Unis à cause de Laurence quand j’avais 22 ans. J’ai quitté la secte dont je faisais partie à 23 ans grâce à Janna. Danielle m’a aidé à guérir le plus grand traumatisme de ma vie (l’abandon de ma mère) et a ouvert ma spiritualité à un autre niveau. Alina m’a aidé dans mon succès professionnel et matériel et m’a donné deux beaux enfants. Enfin, Teal m’a amené à mon moi authentique, parmi beaucoup d’autres cadeaux. Chacune de ces femmes a cependant failli me détruire et j’ai senti à chaque fois que je ne m’en remettrai jamais. Cependant, comme un phénix qui obtient une nouvelle vie en renaissant des cendres de son prédécesseur, j’ai été transformé en mieux à chaque fois. Elles ont implacablement tué le vieux et le faux en moi afin que je puisse me rendre compte de mon véritable potentiel plus que tout autre livre, conférence, enseignant spirituel ou organisation n’auraient pu le faire. J’aurai juste souhaité juste que le processus fut un peu plus doux.

Par conséquent, je vais m’opposer ici aux idées reçues de nos culture. Je dis haut et fort que le centre qui régit nos attractions sexuelles possède un cerveau le plus rapide et le plus sophistiqué qui soit. En une fraction de seconde, il peut voir le potentiel transformateur de l’union avec un partenaire particulier. Ce centre sexual travaille donc étroitement avec notre âme. Et l’âme ne se soucie pas de la douleur, de la permanence ou de la justice. Elle ne s’intéresse qu’à l’évolution, à la prise de conscience, à la croissance intérieure et à l’ouverture de notre cœur. Une attraction intense est toujours le signe que la personne amoureuse a besoin de développer en elle les qualités de l’autre qui sont en fait latents en elle. Dans la relation passionnel, nous devons ouvrir notre cœur à ce qui nous rend meilleur plutôt que de rester figer dans nos désirs étroits. Si Christian Gray était resté obstiné à l’idée qu’il avait besoin d’une personne qui accepterait toutes les clauses de son contrat sadomasochiste, il serait resté misérablement malheureux en isolation et aurait continué à détruire beaucoup d’autres femmes. L’attraction physique dénote donc un désir de l’âme pour une élévation de la personnalité. Le problème se pose lorsque le fossé entre l’âme et les désirs de la personnalité est trop grand pour être comblé à cause de traumatismes non résolus. Dans cette situation, les ruptures sont incroyablement douloureuses. Nous ne comprenons pas pourquoi nous continuons à attirer vers nous de drôles de partenaires, mais en fait, nous continuons à envoyer le mauvais type de signal parce que nous ne sommes pas guéris émotionnellement des blessures de l’enfance. Permettez-moi de vous donner quelques exemples tirés des expériences de clients, d’amis et de moi-même concernant le pouvoir transformateur des relations amoureuses. Un homme d’affaires un peu rustre attire une femme très sensible, mais son manque d’attention et de ressenti chagrine sa bien-aimée. S’il devient conscient que son comportement blesse sa femme, cela peut lui donner le désir de redevenir sensible, et de sortir de son univers industriel rude et froid. Une autre femme instable et dans le besoin est attirée par un homme indépendant et confiant. S’il est sensible à son égard et qu’elle prend conscience que ses peurs la rend possessive et paranoiaque, cette relation est susceptible de l’aider à reprendre confiance en elle, et grandir en autonomie. Une femme matérialiste terre-à-terre et un homme spirituel introspectif tombent amoureux. S’il y a assez d’amour entre les deux, la femme deviendra plus ouverte d’esprit et introspective, et l’homme deviendra plus ancré dans sa vie pratique. Une femme forte et volontaire tombe amoureux d’un homme calme, introverti et mental. C’est l’opportunité pour elle de canaliser ses état émotionnel et pour lui de se reconnecter avec ses sentiments réprimés et de redevenir sensible. Un homme trop contrôlant craque pour une femme farouchement indépendante. Grâce à cette relation, il apprendra à relâcher son contrôle, sa jalousie et son amour possession. Il apprendra à devenir plus spontané. Un homme très ambitieux, courageux et prétentieux est amoureux d’une femme terre-à-terre, humble et autonome qui est capable de le remettre en place quand il se croit sorti de la cuisse de Jupiter. Cette relation sera cruciale pour qu’il ne devienne pas un leader mégalomaniaque. De cette façon, il restera connecté aux gens et ne les traitera pas comme des objets. L’incompatibilité dans l’amour a donc un pouvoir de guérison extraordinaire et peut nous aider à devenir la meilleure version de nous-mêmes. Cela fonctionne mieux lorsque les partenaires sont conscients de leurs faiblesses et voient comment la relation soutient leur développement personnel.

Suis-je l’avocat du diable pour louer Eros sur Pragma? Oui, je clame haut et fort: «Jetez la compatibilité à la poubelle et choisissez l’amour plutôt que la raison». Ce n’est peut-être pas pour tout le monde mais c’est ma vérité. Le poète Khalil Gibran disait: “Les âmes les plus fortes ont émergé de la souffrance; les personnages les plus massifs sont brûlés de cicatrices.”. Bien sûr, trop de souffrances peuvent aussi nous conduire à l’hôpital psychiatrique. C’est donc à chacun d’entre nous de décider du degré d’adversité auquel nous pouvons faire face et ensuite de transformer ces épreuves pour acquérir des perles de sagesse et d’aider son prochain.

Read Love & Compatibility – Part II