Les cercles de
développement personnel et spirituel parlent souvent des concepts du Moi
supérieur (ou l’âme), de l’enfant intérieur et du besoin d’une personnalité
positive, introspective, reliée aux réalités de la vie matérielle et efficace.
La plupart des ouvrages de développement personnel abordent un seul aspect,
rarement deux à la fois et presque jamais les trois. Si quelqu’un me demande ce
qu’est l’éveil spirituel, je réponds simplement « Vivre le paradis sur
terre », c’est-à-dire la capacité à fonctionner dans cette dimension
physique selon des principes spirituels élevés. De manière pratique, nous avons
en nous trois aspects principaux et très différents : 1. l’adulte, 2. l’enfant
et 3. l’âme, et les trois doivent coexister en harmonie afin que nous puissions
être véritablement intégrés et devenir ce que nous appelons un être éveillé. Le
développement d’un aspect sans les autres est en réalité un danger pour soi et
pour les autres.
adulte intérieur n’est rien d’autre que notre personnalité. Notre personnalité s’est
construite selon notre éducation familiale, notre culture, notre éducation et
notre environnement. En conséquence, elle est pleine de concepts erronés, de
perspectives limitées, d’idées fausses et de contradictions. Par
l’introspection, l’étude des grands sages, l’application des leçons précieuses
tirées de notre expérience, la pensée positive et consciente, nous pouvons peu
à peu améliorer notre personnalité pour mieux soutenir notre vie et celle des
autres qui nous entourent. Beaucoup de livres sont consacrés à nous aider à
développer une personnalité plus efficace afin que nous puissions avoir plus de
succès dans la vie, qu’il s’agisse de gagner plus d’argent, d’améliorer notre
relation de couple ou d’être plus heureux. Un adulte mûr a une pensée claire, répond
aux situations de la vie de manière réfléchie, projette des valeurs positives
et comprend les étapes nécessaires pour atteindre ses buts. Il sait aussi
comment se protéger et protéger les autres. Il est capable de tirer parti de ses
précieuses expériences de vie pour améliorer la qualité de vie de tous ceux qui
intérieur est un concept plus récent. Bien que Carl Jung soit à l’origine du
concept dans son archétype de l’enfant divin, John Bradshaw est en réalité
celui qui a popularisé le travail sur l’enfant intérieur auprès du grand public
dans les années 1980 grâce à ses best-sellers et à ses apparitions aux côtés d’Oprah.
Tous les professionnels de la santé mentale sont maintenant familiers avec le
concept de l’enfant intérieur. L’enfant intérieur correspond à notre essence et
au noyau de ce que nous sommes. C’est un aspect hyper sensible, complètement
ouvert et la source de notre créativité, de notre spontanéité et de notre joie
intérieure. Quand nous grandissons dans ce monde difficile avec des parents
imparfaits, notre enfant intérieur (ou nos enfants intérieurs) est victime de
traumatismes. Ceux-ci vont engendrer une faible estime de soi, une pauvre image
corporelle, des déséquilibres affectifs, l’auto-flagellation, des masques
bloquants, des problèmes d’identité, d’intimité et d’engagement, des dépendances,
etc. Le travail sur l’enfant intérieur a pour objectif de renouer avec cet
aspect subconscient du soi, de revivre consciemment les émotions refoulées afin
que nous puissions aider notre enfant intérieur à poursuivre son développement.
L’âme est notre
moi transcendantal. Celui-ci est déjà parfait, pleinement développé et connecté
à l’ensemble de l’existence. Le moi supérieur est au-dessus du cycle de la
naissance et de la mort. C’est la conscience elle-même. Grâce à cela, nous
pouvons faire l’expérience de la conscience de Dieu. Qui mieux que Rumi, le
mystique soufi du XIIIe siècle, pour nous décrire le moi supérieur ?
« Ces formes que nous sommes sont comme des tasses flottant dans un océan
de conscience vivante. Elles se remplissent et coulent sans laisser de traces.
Ce que nous sommes, c’est cet océan, mais nous sommes trop proches pour le
voir, même si nous y nageons et le buvons. Ne soyez pas une tasse avec un
rebord sec, ou quelqu’un qui chevauche toute la nuit et ne connaît jamais le
cheval entre ses cuisses. » Nous ne travaillons pas sur l’âme, il s’agit
simplement d’élever notre conscience et de nous rappeler qui nous sommes en
tant qu’âme. L’âme est indestructible et ne peut être blessée, car elle est cet
d’illustrer l’évolution de ces trois aspects à travers mon expérience
personnelle. Quand j’étais enfant, j’ai subi une série de traumatismes qui m’ont
conduit à une dépression profonde et à une forte anxiété à l’âge de treize ans.
Ma personnalité adolescente cherchait des possibilités de sortir de mon enfer
émotionnel. Bien que les progrès aient été lents à cet âge, j’ai développé petit
à petit des concepts et des idées pour rendre mon existence plus supportable.
Mes progrès touchaient uniquement le niveau de la personnalité (ou mon moi
adulte). Je suis devenu adulte trop rapidement et j’ai géré ma douleur affective
en devenant le meilleur élève possible à l’école. Je manquais de spontanéité,
j’étais très sérieux et me sentais comme un vieil homme à l’intérieur. À dix-neuf
ans, j’ai passé tout l’été aux États-Unis, ce qui a élargi mes horizons. Je
suis tombée amoureux d’une fille à mon retour à l’université, et une rupture
douloureuse trois mois plus tard a ouvert ma conscience. L’intensité de la
douleur émotionnelle m’a fait vivre pour la première fois un état de conscience
mystique où je me suis senti extatique. Soudain, je me suis rendu compte que la
vie était bien plus grande que le monde visible. Je me suis lancé dans une quête
spirituelle et suis devenu obsédé par cet éveil dont parlent les grandes
philosophies et religions. Pendant les sept années suivantes, sans le
comprendre consciemment, j’étais à la recherche de mon moi supérieur que je
n’avais ressenti que pendant quelques instants. En tant que chercheur
spirituel, je suis tombé dans un premier piège, et j’ai rejoint une secte. Les
sectes sont des organisations toxiques, qui se positionnent comme des
intermédiaires dans notre relation à Dieu afin de nous exploiter. Après en être
sorti trois ans plus tard, et après avoir pris le temps de me déprogrammer,
j’ai poursuivi mes efforts pour m’éveiller. Cela a porté ses fruits et quand
j’ai eu vingt-six ans, j’ai vécu un état de conscience où j’ai vécu un état
extatique ou le pur amour pendant plus de vingt-quatre heures. Cela a ouvert
une porte où j’ai pu retourner consciemment à cet état avec une discipline de
vie spécifique. Tandis que j’éprouvais des états de conscience extatiques, je
me suis rendu compte que j’étais devenu un junky spirituel et que ma vie ne
reflétait pas extérieurement les états de conscience extraordinaires que
j’éprouvais intérieurement. J’ai commencé à me sentir seul et j’ai concentré
mon attention sur la manifestation physique. Sans le savoir, j’avais changé la
focalisation de mon travail intérieur de mon âme à ma personnalité. Pour faire
mûrir cet adulte intérieur, je me suis inspiré de gourous de du développement
personnel tels qu’Antony Robbins, Wayne Dyer ou Brian Tracy. Je me suis marié
avec une PAJ (princesse américaine juive), et j’ai fondé une famille. Je me
suis concentré sur ma carrière pour réussir ma vie. Je suis devenu un
entrepreneur prospère dans la Silicon Valley et le vice-consul honoraire de
lecteur assidu avec toujours pour but de m’améliorer. Mon succès professionnel
était un mécanisme d’adaptation à ma douleur émotionnelle que j’avais continué
à enfouir, et qui se manifestait à travers une relation tumultueuse avec ma
femme. Quand j’ai eu trente-cinq ans, je n’ai plus réussi à contenir ces
émotions sous-jacentes. Je suis entré en thérapie à ce moment-là et ai commencé
à renouer avec mon moi transcendental, car j’avais constamment le sentiment que
quelque chose me manquait. Je suis devenu un grand fan d’enseignants de non-dualité
tels qu’Eckart Tolle, Adyashanti, Krishnamurti ou David Deida. Quand j’ai eu trente-huit
ans, la grâce est venue au travers d’un événement inattendu. J’ai eu une
commotion cérébrale à la suite d’un accident de ski, qui m’a recâblé le
cerveau. Après avoir récupéré de l’accident, je pouvais méditer sans effort et
le sentiment qu’il me manquait quelque chose a alors disparu. Je suis devenu
beaucoup plus intuitif et me suis toujours senti guidé dans mes actions. À ce
moment-là, j’avais fait un énorme travail pour développer une personnalité
consciente afin de soutenir ma vie et ouvrir le chemin intérieur à mon âme. Cependant,
jusqu’à ce moment-là, je n’avais fait que très peu de travail sur mon enfant
intérieur (je n’étais pas au courant du concept à l’époque) et l’écart s’accentuait
entre cet enfant intérieur sous-développé et brisé et le reste de mon être.
J’ai connu une crise de milieu de vie et ai attiré une partenaire encore plus
déséquilibrée que moi-même. Elle était un canal clair pour son moi supérieur,
détenait la connaissance spirituelle la plus remarquable, mais toute sa vie
était en réalité contrôlée et rendue misérable par les traumatismes de son
enfance qu’elle se sentait impuissante à guérir. À cause de ses dons
spirituels, elle pouvait voir à travers moi, et je ne pouvais plus cacher mes
enfants intérieurs blessés. J’avais tellement réprimé la douleur de mon enfance
pour atteindre le succès matériel et spirituel que mes enfants intérieurs
perdus se sont manifestés sous la forme de l’aliénation parentale de mes
enfants réels. Tout au long de ma vie, j’ai fait face à de nombreux défis, mais
aucun n’était comparable à la brutalité de cette expérience. Mon dernier mariage
s’est également effondré quelques temps après. Cette année passée a été
difficile, mais riche en apprentissage. Elle m’a permis de réintégrer mon
enfant intérieur avec ma personnalité d’adulte et mon moi transcendantal.
Maintenant, lorsque mon enfant a mal, je m’assieds en méditation avec la
douleur. Mon adulte et mon âme le rejoignent, lui prennent la main et l’aident
à guérir. J’ai arrêté de le brimer et de le faire taire comme je l’avais fait pratiquement
toute ma vie. Qu’il s’agisse de solitude, de trahison, de dépression, de
colère, de jalousie, de suspicion, de méfiance ou de tristesse, je reste assis avec
lui sans jugement. Avec suffisamment de patience, mon enfant intérieur est en
train de se reconstruire lentement grâce à la confiance en mon adulte intérieur
et à la sagesse et la présence de mon âme. En fait, je n’ai pas découvert un
seul enfant intérieur, mais plusieurs, qui ont entre deux et onze ans. Il est
clair que cet aspect de moi est encore un peu en retard par rapport à ma
personnalité et à ma connexion avec mon moi transcendantal. C’est donc sur cet
aspect que je me concentre afin d’atteindre mon plein potentiel, et ainsi finir
par me reconnecter à mes enfants réels.
partageant mon expérience personnelle, j’aurai
réussi à illustrer l’importance de rester équilibré avec ces trois axes de
travail tout au long de notre cheminement spirituel. Je pense intuitivement que
Wayne Dyer aurait pu faire face à un déséquilibre similaire. C’était un
professeur remarquable, doté d’une personnalité très intelligente et d’une
profonde compréhension de l’âme. Sa troisième épouse, Marcelene, mère de cinq de
ses enfants, a divorcé après vingt ans de mariage, et il est décédé plus tard
d’une leucémie, révélatrice d’un traumatisme infantile non guéri (Wayne était
un enfant de l’assistance publique). De la même manière, Jerry Hicks, l’auteur
inspiré de la loi de l’attraction avec sa sixième femme Esther, est décédé d’un
Les individus qui
font l’expérience de leurs aspects transcendantaux sans faire le travail
nécessaire sur leur personnalité pour développer l’objectivité et l’intégrité
nécessaires, peuvent facilement devenir des leaders de sectes. Leurs
traumatismes non guéris génèrent alors des fausses croyances et des illusions.
Les Amérindiens ont
souvent un lien authentique avec le divin et ont un enfant intérieur en bonne
santé. Malheureusement, le manque de développement de leur personnalité fait
cependant d’eux une cible facile pour l’exploitation, les abus ou la dépendance.
Les personnes ayant
une personnalité très développée, mais peu connectées à leur âme peuvent avoir
beaucoup de succès, voire faire des choses magnifiques dans la vie, si elles
ont un enfant intérieur en bonne santé, mais il y aura peu d’incitation à aider
les gens en dehors de leur famille proche. Celles dont l’enfant intérieur est traumatisé
seront souvent autocratiques avec le désir d’exploiter leur prochain.
dimensions sont faciles à voir chez les êtres éveillés. Par exemple, le Dalaï Lama
agit souvent comme un petit enfant qui adore s’amuser ou plaisanter, mais peut
exprimer des concepts complexes à partir de sa personnalité sans jamais perdre de
vue sa nature transcendantale. Il peut basculer entre ces aspects à volonté en
fonction de ce qui est requis dans le moment présent. Une personnalité
développée peut comprendre et connaître Dieu, cependant seul l’enfant en bonne
santé en nous peut en faire directement l’expérience en tant qu’amour, unité et
créativité. C’est pourquoi on dit souvent que le cœur (auquel l’enfant
intérieur a un accès direct) est le siège de l’âme. Ayant développé cette
trinité en nous, nous pouvons maintenant regarder les étoiles avec les pieds
solidement plantés dans le sol et créer le paradis sur terre.
I never took drugs or spiritual medicine outside of a safe shamanic container. A good friend and roommate of mine first introduced me to medicine work when I was 26. At the time, I took LSD and it completely shattered my reality. It short cut my mind and gave me an insight into the truth of spiritual reality, love, consciousness, my own life and my ultimate purpose. What I especially loved about it is that it gave me a direct access to reality, what people call God or Source and the truth of who I am. Because of this experience, I developed a lot of respect for medicinal plants and would commonly recommend to seekers who feel stuck or who have minds that get on the way on their heart. Because many of these substances are illegal in the US, I found in my early thirties a completely safe and legal way to bring altered states of consciousness using holotropic breathwork. As a psychotherapist, Grof was involved in earlier tests on the therapeutic potential of LSD. When psychedelics were peremptorily banned in the 1960s, Grof developed holotropic breathing as a means of simulating the psychedelic experience of LSD without the drug itself. I found an excellent facilitator where I lived in San Francisco at the time: Todd Zimmerman. Todd taught one of our best workshop to date at Philia from March 11th to 18th 2017. While breathwork does not provide the psychedelic elements that you may found with substances, it does bring altered states of consciousness, visions into the subconscious, deep emotional release and inner journeying. Another benefit is that one is able to bring much more memory from the journey as this is a body centered experience.
After I started dating Teal, I decided not to do medicine work. First, she was not that comfortable with shamanic medicine because it is bringing very high intensity emotions and could prevent people from feeling fully day-to-day reality that now become dependent of substances to get a high. The cult that abused her used breathwork as a way to program her as well so she was not open to try it at the time. However, after she had a private breathwork session with Todd at Philia, she changed her mind completely on this practice and stated this was the single best healing modality I had introduced to her. From my perspective, the states of consciousness brought by these shamanic processes are just guides to show your potential and bring you back into alignment with your higher purpose. They give you a window into the actual emotional truth of where you stand in order for you to take adjustments or changes to live your life at a higher level. They are a sacred tool that should not be used for recreational purpose. And many who have not treated them with respect have been burned. I was comfortable stopping medicine work at the time too because I felt that Teal was acting as my medicine as she continued to shake my reality, not letting me believe my own lies and challenge my perception while our love story provided so much movement that any increased stimulation felt unnecessary.
After we decided the move to Costa Rica, I become very busy with all the logistics and ensuring that Philia would be a success from the get go. As a problem solver, I threw myself in this endeavor fully while I started to pay less attention to my relationship with Teal. Teal started to feel more and more uneasy. She started to express a lot of discontent that I could not understand. From my perspective, we were living on a magical property in beautiful Costa Rica, with our family and friends, starting a retreat center to heal people, a common dream we shared. Our relationship continued to deteriorate to a point that Teal & I started to feel hopeless. After almost two years, I felt I needed to go on a shamanic journey to get out of the dead end I found myself. We had received an application through Philia of a local Ayahuasca shaman so I invited him and his wife to meet with Teal & I. Teal instantly connected with him and felt guided to take this journey too but the shaman recommended that we do it on different days as some of our struggles related to our relationship. She had decided to go one day before. When she came back, she had difficulty walking, crashed with the intensity of everything she saw but relieved in many ways. We only had one hour together before I had to leave to my own journey. I remember her eyes full of love as she saw through her third eye what Ayahuasca would teach me by crashing me too. However, she was not allowed to share anything yet about her own experience and what would unfold for me.
Four other friends decided to join me for this Ayahuasca journey. For three of them, it was the first time taking it. It was only my second time. I had taken it previously 6 years ago with a Hispanic group and it had been a hard but very important learning experience. While I was the last one to take a cup of the sacred mixture early evening, I was the first to feel the effect of the sacred mixture and started to vomit only after a couple of minutes while it was only the first round even though I had fasted the last two days. The rest of the group took three turns and a friend even had four rounds and hardly felt anything. There is a saying that Ayahuasca always gives you what you need. Every person experience of Ayahuasca is unique. I started to purge heavily and hallucinate. My head was buzzing in an uncomfortable way. The surrounding shamanic music and the Costa Rica constant background of secators were being amplified to a state of discomfort. I was able not to go into panic, simply allowing the various fears to run their course while enduring the physical, emotional and mental pain of the experience. Teal had recommended me not to resist the place where Ayahuasca wanted to bring me. It took me two hours of torment & confusion to finally get to that place while the Shaman and his friend were attentive to all my needs while I was expressing distress as continued to purged. But when Ayahuasca came to finally take me, it hit me hard. An immense grief took possession of every cell of my body and I started sobbing uncontrollably. I saw my children. At that time, I had not seen them for a year (and it was at the court) and I have not talked to them for nine months as they refused to have any connection with me. Losing one’s children is probably one of most brutal experience one could ever experience. All this time, I had blocked the grief and the pain of this loss. I stayed in this grief space for about 14 hours simply feeling and sobbing. It was emotional painful however the release felt good too. I had told Teal & Mark (Teal’s ex husband) a week before that collapsing emotionally served no purpose. I realized that I was completely wrong as the crashing I was experiencing was healing me. I had so much grief accumulated in my body that I had become fully toxic to my extra sensory wife and I was more often than not choosing to dismiss her instead of acknowledging her distress or worse deflect my pain back to her. During the journey, I realized that at the same time I was grieving my children, my inner child was also grieving the fact that he did not have parents that were emotionally present to him. I was also grieving the fact that my personality had abandoned my inner child at a very early age that I had to be strong and to deal with childhood trauma on my own as I became a parentified child. I remembered myself not crying at all after the divorce of my parents when I was eleven, or my mother telling me that only me was capable of taking myself of the anxiety attacks I was susceptible as a young teenager. I remember learning to deal with my emotional pain alone because no one could be present with me during these times. I realized I had been abusing my inner child for over 40 years too. As is the case for development trauma, I gave myself the right to adopt new parents that could be fully present to my emotional needs. I saw clearly my coping mechanism to disconnect under pressure in order to do what I have to do. This state of disconnection had only increased Teal’s torment about our relationship. As this happened, the intentional community became more weary which increased the pressure on me and consequently on Teal which created a vicious circle. This vicious cycle was exacerbated as Teal’s outburst would make me shut down even further. I realized I needed more support from the team through a reliable management layer so that I could be the nurturing and attentive husband that my wife deserves. I saw my tendency to assume that something is wrong with her or try to fix her instead of acknowledging my responsibility in her distressed state. Regrets came through. I felt my lack of compassion towards her while holding her to very high personal behavioral standards that are not aligned to the extreme childhood traumas she endured. I also remember how Teal had shared with me so many words of wisdom or accurate explanation of what she and I were going through that I had completely dismissed. I saw clearly my resistance to her. As I suffered in the hands of a megalomaniac guru between 20 and 23 year old, I have used my logical mind as my safeguard and I have refused to take anyone on faith since. I have a need to understand to an extreme, and assume a position that other people are wrong unless they can prove me otherwise, which is a stress on relationships. I also saw my tendency to discount and dismiss other people. From four in the morning to noon, I continued to sob and experience my irrepressible grief. During that time, neither the shaman nor any of my friends came to support me. Because I was in an altered state of consciousness, I was as incapable as an infant to express the emotional need that I needed someone to hold my hand and to be present emotionally with me in this process. I had finally realized my need to feel supported and cherished by others instead of making it on my own, which I had done all my life. This time spent alone in my own torment seemed to feel like an eternity. I knew that I needed to have someone next to me and care for me to heal my development trauma to always do it on my own. Before that time, I did not really understand Teal’s words that the only way to heal from a development trauma is to meet the need that was not met in the first place. I had involuntarily inflicted a lot of pain on her through the trips to California I had to take from professional obligations last year not fully understanding her separation anxiety and not realizing that these separations were re-traumatizing to her as I thought she would simply get used to them as I felt I was doing the right and responsible thing. During these eight excruciable hours, I had to taste my own medicine and I had to deal with grief and isolation combined, and undergo the same ordeal that I had prescribed Teal a year ago. I stayed there for hours that seemed like months waiting to be liberated. While this was pure torture, I felt intuitively that this experience was brought to me so that I could feel her pain, which was one of the intentions I had set for this journey. All of my friends were done with their journey by early morning. They chatted, exchanged jokes and went for a nearby hike to a waterfall while I stayed suspended in limbo waiting, not knowing when I would be freed. Finally, around noon, the shaman came to me. I found the strength to make him understand that I need to feel his love and care as I finally get him to hold my hand. He gave me his unconditional presence but then start sharing with me some positive spiritual principles such as “there is only light and love”. This hurt me as I felt he did not see me or wanted to be with me in my pain. I start talking to him painfully to explain my need not to receive spiritual bypassing and I only wanted him to stay with me in my grief without trying to change or fix anything. I wanted to be loved unconditionally by him through his full presence, I wanted my deep sadness acknowledged, I wanted his empathy and compassion on how cruel the situation with my children had been. He got it. According the law of attraction, the painful reflection I am getting in my life is perfect but it is heartless and not conducive to healing when people reflect that high level abstract truth. Only a human perspective that is full of empathy, concern and compassion with all its raw emotions may bring healing. I only managed to start walking around 2 PM, about 20 hours after the start of the ceremony. The shaman brought me to walk into the river close to the property. He looked at me in the eyes and thanked me for the words I had shared with him. It really felt he brought a new understanding to support people even more deeply into their shamanic journeys. We looked at each other in the eyes and connected with profound love & respect. It is ironic that I managed to teach a Shaman a truth that I have been resisting so much to learn from Teal as my spiritual journey before her had been mostly about positive focus, spiritual bypassing and avoiding pain through filters and manipulating reality through my mind.
When I came back home, it felt good to be back and reconnecting with my beloved wife and share our mutual realizations from the journey. As I was now more aware that I have been disconnected, we decided that I should open to the community and ask for their help to provide their candid feedback if they find me insensitive so that I can be more aware of some of my coping mechanism to build a sincere desire for change. Unfortunately, it did not go as well as I expected. Eric shared his frustration that he is not yet in the place to help me because of accumulated resentment. The next morning, when we stopped by Graciela’s house, she announced that she is done with me that she is tired of getting hurt and does not want to support our relationship anymore without explaining what it meant in actual terms. Graciela’s face was marked with shock, anger and pain as she expressed her feelings. I was in disbelief not understanding how she could have built so much resentment and not even noticing it. This situation became unbearable for Teal as she was now put in the position to choose between her husband and best friend. Five members of the community spent the full day working on my difficult personality. I felt humiliated. This felt so unfair that everyone seemed to see that I was the only guilty one, but fault of another alternative I had to swallow to a full day of painful feedback, horrified by the picture held about me.
While I was hopeful that the Ayahuasca would heal Teal & I relationship, the opposite seemed to be happening. All the accumulated resentment built by the custody court case and my company transition that had translated into Teal’s worst possible nightmare were now all in the open and put considerable stress into our relationship. Over the next following days, some difficult arguments took place that made me feel more and more powerless, not really understanding the animosity towards me while I felt I did the best I could do every step of the way, always convinced I was doing the right thing.
Graciela had to withdraw for a couple of days from Teal & I to deal with the intensity of her emotions towards me. Graciela is a very conscious young woman fully committed to her personal development. Though it was clear my insensitivities and disconnection was a big part of the blow-up, she was able to acknowledge her own shadow and childhood traumas that I reflected back to her. She came to me with a pure and beautiful spirit of resolution. She had decided to come to me with an offering that will help me open my heart. Graciela is a woman working with Kambo and suggested she could help me through this modality to open my heart and let go of my protective narcissistic bubble. While my ego had resistance as I had to admit my own flaws, I know her ability and gift as a facilitator and decided to accept her present, especially that I was feeling again at a loss to create a beautiful relationship with the woman of my dreams. It would be a series a three sessions. Because of my schedule, we spread it out over a period of weeks.
The day before the first Kambo ceremony that I scheduled with Graciela, Teal was quite busy during the day and I was looking forward to reconnect with her in the evening. Unfortunately, when she came, Teal was very irritated towards me and I became the target of her anger and resentment. Our discussion went quickly downhill from there, so much that I asked her to practice silence together until we were able to express words that were conducive to resolution. Ten minutes of painful silence followed. Teal felt very resentful of two traumatic events that happened to us in 2016 when I had to make some difficult decisions that made her suffer though I stayed convinced this was the right decision. I started to explain to her the conundrum that I faced by using a simple example as the two other situations were too painful for a construction discussion. We brought a beautiful chime from Park City and Teal had hung it outside below our bedroom at Philia as it looked great there. Unfortunately, Costa Rica can have very windy nights and the chime would wake me up at night. I asked her if we could hang it somewhere else but she felt rightly so that was the best place for it. She suggested to tie it at night with a ribbon but I told it was unnecessary as I did not want to impose on her to do this every night as I felt she has way more important things to do. This example illustrated perfectly my coping strategy. I lived all my life as there is only two ways to deal with an unpleasant situation: you either cope by making the thing you do not like OK, or I change externally. Overtime, I managed to educate my willpower and endurance to such a degree that coping is typically my favorite option as I take the burden upon myself and do not need to create a conflict, however often at the expense of parts of myself. Also, to compensate for the fact that I can be more flexible on many small things, I developed a very strong core that is unmovable. Therefore, I would take sometimes a very strong stand and be extremely stubborn about it no matter what is the consequence to keep some form of identity. All of my life, I basically only gave myself two options. Either I cope by repressing my own needs and wants, or bulldoze my needs over others, which then forces me to cope to not care about the resentment of others. It never occurred to me before that there could be a third solution where I could consider a solution where both my needs and the other person needs would be addressed at the same time! It seemed obvious however it never occurred to me until that discussion with Teal. I suddenly realized how much damage this limited belief had done to my life and people close to me. That night, Teal actually put a ribbon around the chime and both of our needs were met easily. We practiced a role-play where we went back to the events where I imposed my needs over her, with this time the desire to consider both of us at the same time. To my surprise, this was actually possible but now it stopped building resentment and built trust instead as I actually showed genuine concern for her best interests. When a need conflict happens, the partners would need to express both of their needs and wants in a vulnerable way and start exploring out a solution together that could work for both. This may seem simple but I had never done this before. It was only either suppressing my needs or discounting the ones of others. It was always a lose-lose. Also, I realized that I used my spiritual practice all of my life to cope. I had become a master at filtering and altering reality, creating positive meaning to painful situations in order to feel better. This pattern runs in my family. My grandmother who is soon 101 year old is the happiest in her nursery home. She is surrounded by people who are dying, miserable and in pain most of the time and she only sees the positive. My father has no real relationship with his children, and a difficult marriage with heavy resentment but thinks his wife is too perfect. By being in denial, and making a painful and unacceptable situation OK, we actually make change impossible. Our filters will stop making reality painful, however unfortunately we then become enablers of very dysfunctional patterns and the repressed negative emotions find their reflection in the immediate environment. If a wife copes with the abuse of her husband, she accepts it and do not then try to change an ugly reality. By coping, adapting to our circumstances and to our world, we actually make things worse instead of better as we allow the dysfunction to continue. This intense realization had come just before the first Kambo ceremony just as the frog had started working on me.
I am now in front of Graciela before we start the Kambo ceremony. She asks me if I have an intention. Kambo is a hard process as the frog poison you absorb makes you vomit and purge in the most unpleasant ways. I call Kambo a mini Ayahuasca as it makes you purge in the same way but the journey lasts only one hour instead of a full night. These are medicines that are hard to get addicted to, as the purging is so unpleasant. I really did not feel at that moment to go through this experience again. I then looked at my present life and I realized the horror of my situation. The 3 people I love the most in this world resent me also the most also: my wife Teal and my 2 children from my previous marriage. I have had a disgruntled wife telling me she is not happy. I had the same situation in my previous marriage. I can feel the love nevertheless of Teal and my two children. I realize in this moment that I could not have dreamt of a more perfect wife. Even in my wildest dreams, I could not have wished for someone like Teal who is so spiritual, smart, beautiful, creative with a grand purpose. My children are also great kids: smart, gifted in so many ways with a big heart. At that moment, I decide to dedicate my Kambo session with Graciela to Love. I am doing this to bring back the flow of Love in my life for these 3 people. In this space, I can finally let go of my fear, take a leap of faith, as I have known for a long time that a life without Love is not worth living. Graciela now asks me to drink 1.5 liters of water. This is not easy and I feel bloated by the water. She then proceeds to burn my skin with a small wooden skin on my heart shakra where she decided to apply the Kambo. While unpleasant, this pain is nothing in comparison to the emotional pain I have just contemplated. She now spread the frog poison on my burns. After less than a minute, my heart starts beating intensely. I see the fear in some of my thoughts that my heart would stop beating. I let go of the resistance. I start vomiting, mostly water, as I fasted in the morning. It feels awful and deeply humbling as I keep purging. Fortunately, after only a couple of minutes, I vomit a core belief from my childhood called “Personne ne n’aime” which means “no one loves me”. It is hard to explain but it feels like this French sentence was physical and I actually spit out from my body at that time. I reflect and see the truth of this statement. I do not mean to put my parents under the bus as they did what they could with what they had. My father did not have parents until he was 10 year old and my mother lost her mum when she was 3 and she does not even remember any contact with her father. Because of their own family traumas, they simply could not give me what I was longing so much for, because they never received it in the first place: love, closeness and nurturing. The belief that “no one loves me” crystallized the harsh reality of how I was feeling as a child and stayed with me for almost the next 40 years. Core beliefs are so strong that your whole reality will actually get organized around them and create misery when it is a limited belief like this one. Following Teal’s core teaching, I stayed with the feeling, became fully present to my inner child holding this belief and validated him. I realized that even my external and worldly success was simply a coping mechanism for the fact I did not think I could be loved for who I was, and only performance could give me love. When I was six, my father gave me money as I brought back straight As from school. Therefore, I thought that if I were a good enough student, I would have love. At age 20, I passed the exam of one of the best school of France but crashed a couple of months after the admission when I realized that this accomplishment would not give me what I was so desperately looking without knowing: love. As a result, I joined a spiritual group, which ended up being a cult a couple of months later as I was desperately trying to find a way out of my emotional torment. I thought this spiritual group was everything I had always looked for. However, I left disillusioned 3 years later after realizing all the corruption and abuse orchestrated from the leader. I had been used and not loved. At 26, I entered a 15-year relationship & marriage, which brought two wonderful children in a course for status, success and money in the heart of the Silicon Valley. Unfortunately, when we mutually decided to part, I was ostracized by my ex wife and her parents and lost my children as a result. At that moment, I saw that my marriage had been more a contract based on mutual benefits than a relationship based on real love. In order for me to heal the child that believes that no one loves him, I need to give him what he truly wants: Love & Appreciation. Even at Philia, I had created a situation where team members would resent me because of my domineering attitudes that were focused on execution rather than connection. I also made it OK for people to resent me as long as they do their job. I have watched Teal do the opposite, something spending up to a full day to solve a problem with a person. I thought initially it was a complete waste of time not realizing she was working on alignment, and once people are fully aligned they will go the extra mile, be proactive and amaze you with the quality of their work. I made a commitment at that moment that it was not OK for me to be resented anymore. I had to stop this especially that our retreat center is based on connection. I felt I understood authenticity for the first time. I cannot be authentic by coping or imposing my needs above others. Instead, I need to focus on a third alternative that can only come through when I interiorize the other person needs. I saw the community too. I saw clearly in my medicine journey that one of our team members with responsibilities had been resentful towards me. To heal my inner child, I became apparent to me I had to stop making it OK for me to be resented. I put my life savings in this property and enormous efforts both for the move and property. I have not done that to get people to resent me. It felt very unfair. While I understood I created this situation to prove the belief “no one loves me”, I had to put a clear stop to this to start healing this destructive belief. I decided to meet with this person the same day. It did not matter anymore how long it would take to solve our difference and I made the commitment to live an environment where I am liked instead of feared. I can still be true to my own needs and their needs at the same time. I committed to do what it takes for people to like me. I have had the attitude that I do not care what people think about it as long as things get done.
Ten days have passed and it is now the time for the second Kambo with Graciela. The positions of the burns are typically intuitively felt by the shaman just before the ceremony. But the night before, I had woken up Teal by talking in my sleep saying very clearly “6 points in the palindrome”. While I did not this before, a palindrome is a word that reads the same backward and forward such as “madam”. While at breakfast, we felt intuitively that it is a message for the Kambo ceremony as “points” are another word for the burn marks used to absorb the frog medicine. Graciela does a Google and tells us that “eye” is the only body part that is a palindrome. This discovery triggers me. After I started dating Teal, I had told her I did not need to take Kambo because she was my medicine. While this is true, the other reason I did not want to do Kambo because it makes marks on the body and all my life, I have been uncomfortable with anything that alters the original nature of the body. Now, they are talking about a burning stick in the eye! Teal asked me to think what it would really mean. I feel intuitively that it must be the third eye however I am thinking that the last thing I want to do is to have burn marks on my forehead especially that I am an important upcoming business meeting in the US. I start to complaint, revolt and state clearly that I do not want to do it. Teal looks at it and she starts experiencing genuine sadness and she shed a couple of tears. She said “How ironic” as, in the same token, I would rather look good than love her. Over the last previous days, we had a couple of arguments where I deflected my shame into her and made her feel like the one with problems while I was actually the one creating the trigger in the first place. During these times, I had chosen to defend my self-concept and look good instead of seeing the truth. I started to feel her pain, disappointment and sadness about me. At that moment, I remember the time where I would have given everything just for the opportunity to have a date with her. I reminded myself of my commitment to remove any wall that stands between me and her, and my promise to her that as long as I can breath, I will always choose to love her. Her Love had defeated me and I accepted reluctantly to get Kambo from my forehead as I reminded myself that my relationship with her is to me so much more important than looking good. I started thinking about wearing a hat, or put my hair in front of the marks to get more comfortable about the idea and get into acceptance with this higher guidance. She re-assures me that she can make them look good. An hour later, I am laying down ready for the application of Kambo, I remind myself of my intention “I want to see” focusing on my 3rd eye chakra. Six burns are applied on my forehead. Shortly after, I experience a faster heartbeat, and I start to emit some tones to clear energy in my throat chakra that is between my heart and third eye. The medicine takes much more time to work on me than the previous session. It took at least ten minutes before the need to purge. Teal is in the room typing on her computer writing her next Ask Teal episode. I reach out to her in a vulnerable to stop doing it, as I really need her undivided attention. This is ironic too as I am typically the one absorbed on my computer tuning other people out. A vision starts coming through. My consciousness becomes Teal as a child on a table. I am in the process of being tortured by Doc. He shows absolutely no empathy like he is working on a robot. I experience unbearable pain. On the other side of Doc comes the spirit of Teal’s mother. She does not see Teal’s pain and push it back onto her not understanding why her daughter is acting so uncontrollably and wondering what is wrong with her. She gets angry with her. Back on the table, I feel like I am made to swallow my own vomit. I am in pain as I purge but I realize suddenly that I am so lucky that I am able to scream or vomit. It feels like such a good release and I receive the loving attention of both Teal and Graciela in the room. When Teal was tortured, she did not have the luxury of any form of release. Doc would put something in her mouth to prevent her from screaming. The torture experienced felt so much more horrific when there is not even a possibility to release and to witness the complete emotional disconnection from Doc. I am now transported into a different mindscape that I see is connected to a vision I had 5 years previously during a breathwork facilitated by Todd Zimmerman (Todd came to Philia from March 11th to 18th 2017). At that time, five years ago, one of the women breathing in the room was reliving a rape she had experienced as a teenager. She yelled from such a profound part of her being that it started to affect me and I relived intuitively a sensation of a past life where I was a father where my father got raped and I made it worse through my own behavior. Now, under Kambo, what was an alluring feeling 5 years ago during that breathwork session appears as a very clear past life in high definition. We are back in time and I am a spiritual teacher in India with an important following. I am a scholar, I hold an impressive spiritual knowledge of the scriptures. I think I know everything, and I have always a response to any of my followers’ questions. My ego is huge and I am full of myself. I am respected and feared, and some of my domineering and inflexible attitudes create antagonism too. Through unfortunate circumstances, my only daughter gets raped by some of my enemies as they try to hurt me through her. I see myself being furious at my daughter telling her how she brought ridicule and dishonor onto our family and my reputation. I shun her and punish her. I make it all her fault. Because of my hardness, cold and cruel behavior, she commits suicide and dies. When my followers inquiry about this tragic event, I tell them with utter certainty as someone believing his own lies, that a life had come where she would awaken so she decided to take the opportunity and exit her body. Deep down, I know I am the one responsible for the death of my only daughter because I kept spreading shame on her open wound. During that life, I never let myself experience consciously the responsibility for her death. From that point on, I went downhill and created a lot of damage among my followers. I see how my cult experience in this life was a direct consequence of this karma. I see clearly who is the reincarnation of my daughter in this life. I experience sincere regrets towards this person and I got to better understand her antagonistic behavior towards me that never seemed to make sense. I experience a desire to make it better, and can now more easily let go of her behavior that I judged as unfair. I understand that lack of empathy is the most dangerous thing of the world. If every one of us could feel each other pain, the world would be so different. Family quarrels, work oppression, crime, wars would end immediately. I decide to make a total commitment to allow myself to feel. I realize that I used the tools of self-development and spirituality to make myself comfortable and avoid pain no matter what are the circumstances and I became a “master coper” as a result. I now consciously choose to feel in full awareness even if it involves pain in order to become fully alive.