Break-up

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breakup

I have fallen in love 6 times in my life. Falling in love feels like a higher state of consciousness where all we care about is spending time with our beloved, where our happiness is her happiness as we would do anything to earn her grace. In that state, time ceases to exist as 10 hours with our lover feels like 2 minutes. Eating, drinking and sleeping are deemed non-important when we are love-intoxicated. It is a very powerful state that can induce fears among the person’s entourage as someone in love appears suddenly so unpredictable. For that reason, psychologists have described this state in less favorable terms as infatuation or limerence, denoting a state of obsession, unreasoned passion or even addiction. In my personal experience, it is a very beautiful state that needs to be cherished, enjoyed thoroughly and extended as long as possible as it is so precious. Reality eventually kicks in, and it always feels too early when it does.

The Universe is very interested in our growth and it knows that there is nothing better than an intimate relationship to boost our self-awareness. So, it baits us with the magnificent feeling of falling in love. When we merge with someone else, we die and we are being reborn. The person we are going to fall madly in love with is the person that has the potential to maximize our inner development. Unfortunately, we all know from our lives that the times when we grew the most may have been the most challenging, and this is true for intimate relationships. I fully subscribe to the Imago theory that was developed by the Hendrix’s. It says that we are attracted to partners that will help us relive and eventually heal the unresolved traumas from childhood. Sometimes partners are able to go through that growth and healing together. However, some other times, one partner may run away from the other and will see the break-up as the most conducive to their healing. It is a matter of individual choice, and it is best to honor the person’s free will rather than pretending we know better by emitting judgments. Nevertheless, breaking up from an intimate partner is one of the most painful experiences of our existence down here, only comparable to the death of a loved one.

Paradoxically, my most difficult break-up was with my first love when I was only 19. I did not make a formal commitment to her such as an engagement. There were no legal or financial complications. We were both very young and our break-up only impacted us emotionally with very little consequences for our friends & family. How is it possible that my break-ups involving children, parents or splitting all of our assets could have felt less difficult to handle? This confirms that our life experience, the healing tools at our disposal, and mature thinking are critical in supporting the grieving process of break-ups. For this reason, I want to share with you what I have learned in this process in hope that it may be helpful to you.

huge-wave-crashing-on-pier-dock.jpgFollow the waves instead of resisting them

The process of uncoupling is brutal because it involves many parts of us: physical, emotional and mental. As we lose this special person in our life, our body may go into shock as we cannot hug them, touch them or cuddle with them anymore, especially if this aspect of the relationship was really fulfilling. We may miss sharing our feelings, the small attentions, feeling loved or their emotional presence. We may miss the long, passionate and intellectually stimulating conversations. It will really depend on the specific relationship dynamics. In any case, this leaves a big void in our life. It is best to acknowledge it and completely feel it rather than denying it. I would like to share a quote that was sent by a friend of mine: “Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.” – Jamie Anderson

People who cannot move on from a relationship are people who cannot grieve because they refuse to feel the pain associated with the loss. Their ego refuses to experience this suffering because it would make it mean that they contributed to the failure of the relationship, that they were flawed, that they were bad, that they are meant to be alone, that they are unlovable, that they deserved to be abandoned, and so on, and so forth. It is all about unhealed attachment traumas. Instead they become negatively obsessed with the former object of love that they used to glorify publicly. They attempt to appear as a victim, forgetting they entered the relationship full heartedly with their freedom of choice. We do not need to be perfect to be loved. To be human is to be imperfect and we make mistakes. I gave all that I had to my important relationships so I hold no regret. Yes, I made mistakes but I did not know better at the time, so there is nothing to dwell on.

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After we have broken-up from a partner we loved, the pain will be acute, and the first waves will hit us hard. Last April, after I had just landed in France, if one of my friends would ask me how I was doing, I could not say a word but started shedding tears as the dissolution of the marriage had just started. This was healthy! After getting some sleep and recovering from jet lag, my mind was again in control and I lost touch again with my emotions. I had brought back my heart walls so as not to feel the pain of the break-up. Fortunately, my friend Jacques made me realize that I was getting in the way of my own grieving process. My mind was so afraid to feel out of control that it had started shutting down the feelings of loss. This was unhealthy. Societal expectations are therefore the opposite of what we need for our grieving process. The down waves may take the form of feeling unlovable, isolated, anxious or depressed for example. These emotions have to be experienced fully and somatically (with the body) with no judgment. The big mistake we make in our healing process is to overuse our mind while the body is so much better equipped to release trauma. Crying, shouting, shaking has done more for my healing than all of my analytical processes. Analysis should follow healing from the body and the emotions but not precede it. Fortunately, we have the ability to take advantage of our emotional suffering for healing purposes. So we can always benefit from a difficult and painful situation.

In my personal experience, the up and down waves take on average a week, and the waves’ intensity get lower over time to eventually stabilize back to a normal state. Recently, during one of the down waves, I started feeling very heavy energy. I went to lunch with a friend anyway but the plumber called me just as I was about to order lunch. I had to come back home right away. I realize this was a wake-up call to make the healing process the priority instead of daily activities. We went into the healing room and I started expressing the raw feelings without any filters. In this case, it was about that I felt that people I loved the most saw me as a monster. I let my body purge these emotions, and could come back to the original childhood fragment related to my sister. My parents lacked emotional maturity and did not prepare her well for my venue into this world. She saw me as the newcomer that was stealing from her the small crumbs of love from our parents. She developed hatred towards me that I had to internalize to cope. So I developed self-hatred and I created in my reality situations to reflect that belief. I was able to let go somatically of that belief during this session. I worked on changing that belief during another healing session. Interestingly, at the end of that session, one of my loved ones that is demonizing me called me unexpectedly and we had a nice exchange. I knew then that my inner work was starting to work on the fabric of reality.

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If you are getting a divorce, chances are that not all of the relationship was rosy and aspects of it were rather difficult. So the good news is that you will be experiencing up waves too! If your partner was over controlling and possessive, you may feel a sense of exhilaration from your newfound freedom. If your life was drowning in drama, you may feel relieved about experiencing peace and quiet again. If you were constantly criticized and always walked on eggshells, you may enjoy being again in an environment that is both supportive and nurturing. If you did not particularly enjoy your wife’s close friends, you may be happy to be away from them. Use these up waves to your advantage. Make sure to create opportunities for yourself to do the things you could not do when you were in the marriage to fully experience some of the benefits of the break-up. This will make you feel better about the divorce. On my end, I took a month in Europe to reconnect with old friends and family. There was nothing more healing than being surrounded by people who loved me and appreciated me for who I am. Healing is about having the opposite experience. I got inspired by doing things I was not able to do when I was married. This helped me to see the glass half full instead of half empty. Also we can only receive after we empty our cup so let us develop a sense of wonder of what is coming next into our life after the loss of love.

Get support

Screen Shot 2018-06-27 at 11.35.14 PMWe have been conditioned in this society to do everything on our own. So naturally, when tragedy strikes, we have a tendency to isolate. This is not healthy. We are social creatures and need each other. After breaking up an important relationship, our emotional balance goes off so we should not make things worse by denying our most basic human need to feel supported, loved and cared for. I felt very fortunate that some good-hearted people showed up in my life and kept me company when I needed it the most. Good people naturally want to help especially when their support is appreciated. It feels empowering to them and they are often healing themselves through this process too. The key is to be authentic with your pain and your needs, and you will be surprised by the amount of goodness coming your way.

Real pain versus imaginary pain

As I mentioned before, break-ups are some of the most painful experiences we can go through. However, we can make the process of grieving easier or harder on ourselves with the quality of our thoughts. The feeling of loss is real and takes time to heal. However, there are a lot of other emotions that are not real in the sense that they are fabricated by erroneous thinking. Without the faulty thought, some of the negative emotions would not even exist. This is where our mature inner adult (IA) can help our hurt inner child (IC).

IC: “This person destroyed my life. I will never be able to recover. This person took everything away from me.”

IA: “This was a difficult experience and I chose it out of my free will. There are important lessons to learn from any painful relationship.”

IC: “What’s wrong with me that I cannot have a healthy and nurturing relationship? I am forever doomed. God hates me.”

IA: “I have learned important lessons of this past relationship and I am much better equipped as a result to attract the right type of person into my life. Though it was painful, I see this person as an important teacher. There are often many layers of healing we need to go through to manifest what we truly want.”

IC: “This person has to pay for what he did to me and my children. I will make him pay for the rest of eternity so that he does not hurt anyone like he hurt me.”

IA: “I hope this person can be happy in their future relationships. I am glad I am not in his life anymore so that I can attract a relationship that feels better. If the same pattern appears again in any future relationship, I will know that the problem may be more related to me than him.”

If the inner child is really hurt, it is best for the inner adult to start validating the inner child before sharing his wisdom. For example, in the first situation, this would look like “I feel that this person destroyed my life and took everything away from me. Sometimes I may feel that I will never be able to recover. However, I have been through similar difficult break-ups in the past and I have survived. I actually keep attracting better partners. I can see this was a difficult experience but I chose it out of my free will and no one forced me into it. There are some important lessons I learned from this relationship”. Use your intuition to balance effectively your IC and IA. If you were to let your toddler run the show in your household, things would be quickly out of control and your sweet child would turn into a high-chair tyrant. Meet all the emotional needs of your inner child but do not lose yourself in the process. An important role of the IA is to educate the IC to grow-up. Emotional validation has to come with accountability so that we do not get stuck in a victim role, which is one of the lowest vibrational states.

Keeping contact or not after a break-up?

People who break-up that still love each other will feel very hurt. It is often very difficult for them to stay in contact, and any exchange with the estranged partner may feel like re-traumatization. In an ideal world, especially if there are children involved, it would be best for former partners to stay friendly and on social terms. In my experience, it is however only feasible when the love has faded away for both partners and they have moved on with their respective lives. There is no sense of loss anymore or hard feelings. This can take time. How likely is this when a couple has just broken up? Very unlikely. If one person is not in love anymore but the other person is, then the situation is just as difficult. I am of the opinion that people need to do what is best for their personal healing. However, if children are involved, put the children’s healing first while not succumbing to ex-partner control dramas. I have kept in touch with a couple of the women I have been in love with in the past, and I have found these relationships rewarding. However, it often took years before we were able to reconnect. This should not be forced, as the newly gained friendship would need to be unconditional and away from all the failed expectations of the past. So in most cases, a clean cut in the short-term may be preferable to support the emotional healing of the recently broken up couple.

Gratitude as the ultimate healing tool

By doing important healing work in Europe supported by friends and family, I found the resources to write a blog about the end of the marriage in a way that was genuinely grateful. And this time, I was not bypassing. I could appreciate all the wonderful times and all the gifts that came from the relationship. It was now up to me to create in my life and in myself all the things I previously adored in her. When we are grateful, we cannot be resentful. When we are grateful, we cannot feel like a victim. When we are grateful, we cannot feel revengeful. When we are grateful, we are looking forward to a bright future and we are not lost dwelling on the past. When we are grateful, we do not close ourselves off and on the contrary, we keep our heart open to new possibilities. We should not rush ourselves into this state however. Before we can reach genuine gratitude, all raw emotions of powerlessness, anger, resentment, sadness and loss have to be experienced. And sometimes, we have to go through these emotions multiples times through various cycles. Our emotions need be true, and we should not pretend we are feeling something that we are not. This is a big part of living an authentic life. We need to find the courage to express openly how we feel when we are in a safe environment unconcerned of the good opinions of others

How long does it take to heal from a break-up?

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If we are committed to our healing, have a supportive environment, and can rely on a wise IA (Inner Adult), I think one month per year of the relationship is a fair expectation. Otherwise, it may take much longer and actually some people never get over some past relationships. Sometimes the grieving or pulling away will actually start when you are still in the relationship. During the grieving phase, strict celibacy is most recommended. Our sexual energy is the finest energy at our disposal and this energy can be turned inward for healing. This will work marvels and help you shift to a new level. If we genuinely listen to our body during a grieving cycle, we will notice that the body has no desire to expand its energy sexually. Only the mind may do so in order to prevent experiencing difficult emotions as it follows an addictive pattern. Our mind is a good servant but a poor master. Our heart and body wisdom are far more reliable to know what is best for us. Do not rush your grieving process. Slower is often faster.

How about you? I am interested to know more about your own break-up stories, what you learned from them, and what helped your grieving process.

French translation below – Article en Français ci-dessus

Rupture amoureuse

Je suis tombé amoureux six fois dans ma vie. Tomber amoureux, c’est comme vivre un état de conscience extatique où tout ce qui nous intéresse est de passer du temps avec l’être aimé, où notre bonheur est son bonheur, et nous ferions n’importe quoi pour mériter sa grâce. Dans cet état, le temps cesse d’exister, et dix heures avec l’être aimé passent si rapidement. Manger, boire et dormir sont relégués au second plan lorsque nous sommes dans cet état d’ébriété amoureuse. Une personne amoureuse suscite des craintes au sein de son entourage, car elle apparaît soudainement imprévisible. Pour cette raison, les psychologues ont décrit cet état amoureux en des termes peu favorables dénotant un état d’obsession, une passion irraisonnée ou même une dépendance. D’après mon expérience personnelle, c’est un très bel état qui doit être chéri, apprécié complètement et rallongé aussi longtemps que possible, car il est si précieux. Le quotidien et la routine reprennent le dessus sur cette passion toujours trop tôt.

Il n’y a rien de mieux qu’une relation intime pour notre croissance intérieure et développer notre conscience personnelle. Les périls sont importants, et la nature nous appâte par ce sentiment magnifique d’être amoureux. Lorsque nous fusionnons avec quelqu’un d’autre, nous mourons et nous renaissons. La personne dont nous allons tomber éperdument amoureux est celle qui a le potentiel de maximiser notre développement intérieur. Malheureusement, nous savons que les moments de notre vie où nous avons grandi le plus ont peut-être aussi été les plus difficiles, et cela est d’autant plus vrai pour les relations intimes. Je souscris pleinement à la théorie Imago développée par Harville Hendrix. Il dit que nous sommes attirés par des partenaires qui nous aideront à revivre et éventuellement à guérir les traumatismes non résolus de notre enfance. Le couple est parfois capable de s’aider mutuellement à revivre ensemble ces traumatismes de l’enfance afin de catalyser leur guérison intérieure. Cependant, bien trop souvent, l’un des partenaires prend peur, abandonne ou considère que la rupture est la condition la plus propice à cette même guérison. C’est une question de choix individuel, et il est préférable de respecter le libre arbitre de la personne plutôt que de prétendre que nous savons mieux qu’elle en émettant des jugements et des critiques. Néanmoins, rompre avec un partenaire intime est l’une des expériences les plus douloureuses de notre existence ici-bas, comparable à la mort d’un être cher.

Paradoxalement, alors que je n’avais que dix-neuf ans, j’ai ressenti la fin de mon premier amour comme la rupture amoureuse la plus difficile que j’ai vécue. Je n’avais pourtant aucun engagement formel, comme des fiançailles. Il n’y avait aucune complication juridique ou financière. Nous étions tous les deux très jeunes, et notre rupture ne nous a touchés que de manière affective, avec très peu de conséquences pour nos amis et notre famille. Comment est-il possible que mes ruptures impliquant des enfants, des parents ou la séparation de tout notre patrimoine aient été moins difficiles à gérer ? Cela confirme que notre expérience de la vie, les outils de guérison à notre disposition et une pensée mature sont essentiels pour la guérison des cœurs brisés. Pour cette raison, je souhaite partager avec vous ce que j’ai appris au cours de ce processus, dans l’espoir que cela puisse vous être utile.

Le processus de découplage est brutal, car il implique de nombreuses parties de nous-mêmes : physique, émotionnelle et mentale. Lorsque nous perdons la personne que nous aimons, notre corps peut être sous le choc du fait que nous ne puissions plus les embrasser, les toucher ou les câliner, surtout si cet aspect de la relation était épanouissant. Il peut être aussi douloureux de ne plus partager nos sentiments ainsi que les petites attentions du quotidien, de ne plus se sentir aimé, et leur absence nous pèse émotionnelle. Les longues conversations passionnées et stimulantes sur le plan intellectuel peuvent aussi nous manquer. Les souffrances de la rupture sont vraiment spécifiques à chaque relation. Cependant, cela nous laisse avec un grand vide dans notre vie. Il est cependant préférable de reconnaître et de ressentir ce manque plutôt que de le nier pour notre guérison. Je voudrais partager avec vous une citation qui m’a été envoyée par un de mes amis : « Le chagrin, c’est de l’amour. C’est de l’amour que vous voulez donner, mais il n’y a plus personne pour le recevoir. Tout cet amour non partagé se rassemble dans les coins de nos yeux, dans le creux de notre gorge et dans cette partie vide de ta poitrine. Le chagrin est un amour qui n’a nulle part où aller. » – Jamie Anderson

Les personnes qui ne peuvent pas guérir et donc faire le deuil d’une rupture amoureuse sont celles qui refusent de ressentir la douleur associée à la perte de l’être cher. Leur ego refuse de vivre cette souffrance, car cela voudrait dire qu’ils son responsable de l’échec du couple, et donc qu’ils étaient défaillants, qu’ils étaient mauvais, qu’ils rendaient l’autre malheureux, qu’ils méritaient d’être abandonnés et ainsi de suite. Il s’agit de traumatismes d’attachement de l’enfance non guéris. Au lieu de cela, ils s’obsèdent à détruire et critiquer cette personne qu’ils glorifiaient auparavant. Ils tentent maintenant d’apparaître comme une victime, oubliant qu’ils sont entrés dans cette relation amoureuse avec leur libre arbitre. Nous n’avons pas besoin d’être parfaits pour être aimés. Être humain, c’est être imparfait, et nous faisons des erreurs. Je me suis donné entièrement aux femmes que j’ai aimées, et je n’ai rien à regretter. Oui, j’ai fait des erreurs, mais j’ai agi au mieux en fonction de mes compréhensions de l’époque. Il n’y a donc pas de quoi s’attarder à refaire le passé.

Après avoir rompu avec un partenaire que nous avons aimé intensément, la douleur est aiguë et les premières vagues de chagrin nous frappent durement. En avril dernier, peu après la rupture avec ma femme, si l’un de mes amis me demandait comment j’allais, je ne pouvais pas dire un mot, mais commençais à verser des larmes. C’était en fait une bonne chose ! Après avoir dormi un peu et récupéré du décalage horaire, ma tête était à nouveau en contrôle et j’ai de nouveau perdu contact avec mes émotions. J’avais à nouveau blindé mon cœur pour ne pas ressentir la douleur de la rupture. Heureusement, mon ami Jacques m’a fait comprendre que je m’opposais à mon propre processus de deuil et donc de guérison émotionnelle. Ma tête avait si peur de perdre le contrôle qu’elle avait commencé à enfouir mon chagrin. C’était malsain. Les attentes de la société reliées à la non-expression des émotions négatives sont donc le contraire de ce dont nous avons besoin pour notre processus de deuil. La perte d’une relation intime peut prendre la forme d’une dépression, d’une lourde solitude, de l’angoisse ou d’une tristesse inconsolable, par exemple. Ces émotions doivent être vécues pleinement et somatiquement (avec le corps) sans jugement. La grande erreur que nous commettons dans notre processus de guérison est de tout résoudre et analyser par la tête alors que le corps est tellement mieux équipé pour libérer un traumatisme. Pleurer, crier, trembler a plus fait pour ma guérison intérieure que tous mes processus analytiques. L’analyse doit suivre la guérison du corps et des émotions, mais pas la précéder. Heureusement, nous avons la capacité d’apprendre de nos souffrances émotionnelles pour devenir des personnes avec plus de sagesse et de compassion. La vie nous donne justice, car nous pouvons heureusement toujours bénéficier d’une situation difficile et douloureuse.

D’après mon expérience personnelle, les vagues montantes et descendantes de souffrance émotionnelle prennent en moyenne une semaine, et l’intensité de celles-ci diminue progressivement avec le temps pour finalement se stabiliser à un état normal. Récemment, pendant l’une des vagues, j’ai commencé à ressentir une énergie très lourde. Malgré cela, je suis allé déjeuner avec un ami, mais le plombier m’a appelé au moment où j’allais faire ma commande. Je devais rentrer à la maison tout de suite. Je me suis rendu compte que cet appel était un signe que je devais mettre en priorité mon processus de guérison plutôt que mes activités quotidiennes. Nous sommes allés dans la pièce de la maison réservée aux guérisons émotionnelles et avec le soutien de mon ami, j’ai commencé à exprimer sans filtre toutes mes émotions négatives. Dans ce cas précis, je ressentais que les personnes que j’aimais le plus dans ma vie me considéraient comme un monstre. J’ai donc laissé mon corps purger ces émotions, et j’ai pu alors revenir au traumatisme initial de mon enfance relié à ma sœur. Mes parents qui manquaient de maturité émotionnelle dû fait de leurs propres traumatismes et ne l’avaient pas bien préparée pour mon entrée dans ce monde. Elle m’a perçu comme un intrus qui lui volait les petites miettes d’amour venant de nos parents. Elle a montré tout de suite une haine envers moi bébé, que j’ai dû intérioriser pour y faire face. J’ai donc développé un dégoût envers moi-même et j’ai manifesté dans ma vie des situations pour incarner cette croyance. J’ai heureusement pu abandonner somatiquement cette opinion négative grâce à deux séances de guérison. Fait intéressant, à la fin de la deuxième session, un de mes proches qui me diabolisait m’a appelé de façon inattendue et nous avons eu un bon échange. Je savais alors que mon travail intérieur commençait à travailler sur le tissu de la réalité.

Si vous divorcez, il est probable que la relation n’était pas toute rose et que certains aspects étaient plutôt difficiles. La bonne nouvelle est donc que vous ferez également l’expérience de vagues émotionnelles montantes et joyeuses également ! Si votre partenaire vous traitait de manière trop possessive et contrôlante, vous ressentirez peut-être un sentiment d’exaltation relié votre nouvelle liberté. Si votre vie était submergée de drames constants, vous serez alors soulagé de retrouver la paix et la tranquillité. Si vous étiez constamment critiqué et que vous marchiez toujours sur des œufs, vous apprécierez d’être à nouveau dans un environnement à la fois positif et encourageant. Si vous n’appréciiez pas les amis proches de votre partenaire, vous serez alors heureux de vous en éloigner. Utilisez ces vagues ascendantes à votre avantage. Assurez-vous de faire à présent les choses qui n’étaient pas possibles pendant le mariage afin de profiter pleinement des avantages de la rupture. Cela vous permettra de mieux vivre le divorce et de voir le verre à moitié plein au lieu de celui qui est à moitié vide. De mon côté, j’ai pris un mois de vacances en Europe afin de renouer le contact avec d’anciens amis et ma famille. Il n’y avait rien de plus apaisant que d’être entouré de gens qui m’aimaient et qui m’appréciaient pour qui je suis. Guérir, c’est vivre l’expérience inverse du traumatisme. Selon la sagesse bouddhiste, nous ne pouvons recevoir qu’après avoir vidé notre tasse, alors laissez-vous remplir d’un sens d’anticipation et d’émerveillement de ce qui va arriver dans notre vie après la perte de l’amour.

Solliciter de l’aide

Nous avons été conditionnés par la société à tout faire par nous-mêmes. Alors, naturellement, lorsque nous sommes blessés, nous avons tendance à nous isoler. Ce n’est pas sain. Nous sommes des créatures sociales et avons besoin les uns des autres. Après la rupture d’une relation intime importante, notre équilibre émotionnel se dégrade, nous ne devons donc pas aggraver la situation en niant notre besoin humain le plus élémentaire de se sentir soutenu, aimé et pris en charge. J’étais très chanceux que de bons amis et des personnes aimantes me tiennent compagnie quand j’en avais le plus besoin. Il est naturel pour la plupart d’entre nous d’aider son prochain surtout quand notre soutien est apprécié. Cela nous donne une image positive de nous-même, et aider l’autre, c’est aussi souvent se guérir soi-même. Le plus important, c’est d’être authentique dans l’expression de votre douleur et de vos besoins, et vous serez alors surpris de toute la bonté venant vers vous.

Douleur réelle et douleur imaginaire

Comme je l’ai déjà mentionné, les ruptures sont parmi les expériences les plus douloureuses que nous puissions vivre. Cependant, nous pouvons rendre ce processus de deuil plus ou moins facile grâce à la qualité de nos pensées. Le sentiment de perte de l’être aimé est réel et cela prend du temps à guérir. Cependant, beaucoup d’autres émotions n’ont pas vraiment lieu d’être dans la mesure où elles sont fabriquées par une pensée erronée. C’est là que notre adulte intérieur(AI) peut aider notre enfant intérieur (EI) blessé.

EI : « Cette personne a détruit ma vie. Je ne pourrai jamais m’en remettre. Cette personne m’a détruite. »

AI : « Ce fut une expérience difficile, mais je l’ai choisie de mon plein gré. Il y a d’importantes leçons à tirer de toute relation douloureuse. »

EI : « Qu’est-ce qui ne va pas chez moi, je ne peux pas avoir une relation saine et enrichissante ? Je suis maudite à jamais et je serai seule pour le reste de mes jours. »

AI : « J’ai appris d’importantes leçons de cette relation passée et je suis beaucoup mieux équipée pour attirer le bon type d’homme dans ma vie à présent. Bien que cela ait été douloureux, je considère cette personne comme quelqu’un qui m’a beaucoup apporté. Je sais maintenant beaucoup mieux ce que je recherche chez un homme et ce dont je ne veux plus. »

EI : « Cet homme doit payer pour tout le mal qu’il a fait à moi et à mes enfants. Je vais le faire souffrir pour le reste de l’éternité pour qu’il comprenne. »

AI : « J’espère que cette femme pourra être heureuse dans ses relations futures. Je suis heureux de ne plus être dans sa vie, car il y avait beaucoup trop de conflits, et je peux maintenant attirer à moi une relation qui me convient bien mieux. Si le même schéma réapparaît dans toute relation future, je saurai alors que le problème vient de moi et non d’elle. »

Si l’enfant intérieur est blessé, il est préférable que l’adulte intérieur commence à valider l’enfant intérieur avant de partager sa sagesse. Par exemple, dans la première situation, cela ressemblerait à ceci : « Je sens que cette personne a détruit ma vie et m’a tout pris. Parfois, je m’égare à penser que je ne pourrai jamais me rétablir psychologiquement. Cependant, j’ai vécu des difficultés similaires dans le passé et j’ai survécu. En fait, je continue d’attirer de meilleurs compagnons. Je peux voir que ce fut une expérience difficile, mais je l’ai choisie de mon plein gré et personne ne m’y a forcée. J’ai appris quelques leçons importantes de cette relation. » Utilisez votre intuition pour communiquer harmonieusement avec votre EI et votre AI. Si vous laissiez votre bambin tout diriger chez vous, cela tournerait rapidement au souk, et votre doux enfant deviendrait un tyran en landau. Écoutez patiemment tous les besoins émotionnels de votre enfant intérieur, mais ne vous oubliez pas dans ce processus. L’un des rôles importants de l’AI consiste à éduquer l’EI pour qu’il grandisse. La validation émotionnelle doit aller de pair avec la responsabilité afin que nous ne restions pas coincés dans un rôle de victime, qui est l’un des états vibratoires les plus bas.

Rester en contact ou non après une rupture ?

Les personnes qui se séparent, mais qui s’aiment encore seront très blessées. Il est souvent très difficile pour eux de rester en contact, et tout échange avec l’ex-partenaire peut être ressenti comme un nouveau traumatisme. Dans un monde idéal, en particulier s’il y a des enfants, il serait préférable que les anciens partenaires restent courtois. D’après mon expérience, cela n’est toutefois possible que lorsque l’amour du couple n’est plus là et que chacun a tourné la page. Il n’y a alors plus de sentiment de manque ou de rancœur. Cela peut prendre du temps. Quelle est la probabilité que cela se produise lorsqu’un couple vient de se séparer ? C’est très improbable. Si une personne n’est plus amoureuse, mais que l’autre personne l’est, la situation est tout aussi difficile. Je suis d’avis que les gens doivent faire ce qu’il y a de mieux pour leur guérison personnelle. Toutefois, si des enfants sont impliqués, accordez la priorité à la santé émotionnelle des enfants sans céder aux drames et au contrôle de votre ex-partenaire. Je suis resté en contact avec quelques-unes des femmes que j’ai aimées par le passé, et j’ai trouvé ces relations enrichissantes. Cependant, il a souvent fallu des années avant de pouvoir créer une amitié après la fin de l’histoire d’amour. Cela ne peut être forcé, car l’amitié nouvellement acquise doit être inconditionnelle et éloignée de toutes les déceptions de la relation passée. Donc, dans la plupart des cas, une coupure nette est préférable à court terme pour permettre la guérison émotionnelle du couple récemment éclaté.

La gratitude comme outil de guérison ultime

En effectuant un important travail de guérison en Europe grâce au soutien de mes amis et de ma famille, j’ai trouvé les ressources nécessaires pour écrire un blog afin d’annoncer notre divorce d’une manière réellement reconnaissante en pensant à tous les bienfaits et les moment merveilleux qui ont accompagnés notre relation. Et je ne faisais pas la politique de l’autruche. C’était maintenant à moi de créer dans ma vie et en moi tout ce que j’avais adoré auparavant chez elle. Lorsque nous sommes reconnaissants, nous ne pouvons pas être en colère. Lorsque nous sommes reconnaissants, nous ne pouvons pas nous sentir victimes. Lorsque nous sommes reconnaissants, nous ne pouvons pas nous venger. Lorsque nous sommes reconnaissants, un avenir radieux nous attend et nous arrêtons de vivre dans le passé. Lorsque nous sommes reconnaissants, nous ne nous fermons pas et au contraire, nous gardons notre cœur ouvert à de nouvelles possibilités. Cependant, nous ne devons pas précipiter le processus de deuil en soi. Avant que nous puissions atteindre une véritable gratitude, nous devons faire l’expérience de toutes les émotions crues d’impuissance, de colère, de rancœur, de tristesse et de manque. Et souvent, nous devons vivre ces émotions négatives plusieurs fois au cours de différents cycles. Nos émotions doivent être authentiques et nous ne devons pas prétendre ressentir quelque chose que nous ne ressentons pas. C’est cela que de vivre une vie authentique. Nous devons trouver le courage d’exprimer ouvertement ce que nous ressentons lorsque nous nous sentons en sécurité sans se soucier de l’opinion d’autrui.

Combien de temps faut-il pour guérir d’une rupture ?

Si nous voulons vraiment guérir, si nous vivons dans un milieu sain et si nous pouvons compter sur un adulte intérieur qui a de la sagesse, je pense qu’un mois par année de la relation est un délai raisonnable. Toutefois, cela peut prendre parfois beaucoup plus de temps et d’ailleurs, certains individus ne surmontent jamais certains chagrins amoureux. Il est aussi possible que vous fassiez le deuil de l’être cher alors même que vous êtes encore dans la relation. Pendant la phase de deuil, le célibat strict est très recommandé. Notre énergie sexuelle est la plus fine des énergies dont nous disposons, et vous avez besoin de tourner cette énergie créative vers l’intérieur pour votre guérison. Si nous écoutons réellement notre corps pendant un cycle de deuil, nous remarquerons que le corps n’a aucune envie de dépenser son énergie sexuellement. Seule la tête peut le faire afin d’éviter de ressentir des émotions difficiles, car cela suit un schéma de dépendance et de peur de la solitude. Notre tête est un bon serviteur, mais un bien pauvre maître. La sagesse de notre cœur et de notre corps est beaucoup plus fiable pour savoir ce qui est le mieux pour nous. Ne précipitez pas votre processus de deuil.

Je suis intéressé à en savoir plus sur vos propres histoires de rupture, ce que vous en avez appris et ce qui a aidé votre processus de deuil. N’hésitez pas à partager vos histoires et vos questions ci-dessous dans les commentaires.

18 thoughts on “Break-up

  1. Your just an amazing human being Ale..I loved this the honesty and your ability to look at yourself with such honesty..Truly beautiful..You know my break up story already .Thank you for sharing this information it helped me gain some insight into my own self

  2. Such a beautiful heart 💜 your honesty and openness is inspiring. Many blessings. I am grateful for you.

  3. This is so very helpful. I’m going on two weeks now of break up after a combined 3 years with her. We’re both CP’s and I thought we had all the tools to get through anything. Our truths were too opaque in the end and I have been starving of love due to my own complexities and traumas combined with certain incompatibilities we discovered. Not sure anyone was ever fully in due to fear and programming. I have been having to choose isolation during this time because I have basically no support in the physical. Everyone whom shows support is via text, video or phone. Exactly pointing to me not going through this critical in the most healthy fashion. I keep imagining myself at some healing center to grieve and regain all my power and health back and unwind, but I have no idea where to go and I’m terrified of people in general.. in these states especially. I’m sure this is why everyone showing support is via devices, texts, video… my own manifestation of keeping people far enough away but I can’t do it anymore. I need people. We all do as we know. It’s crazy because I’m so fucking good at helping others but when it comes to me I’ve always chosen isolation. I lose my true self at the hint of people being in my presence. I choose people unequipped to be able to handle the real me so I become anything they need me to be. This time I’m not able to and it’s killing me. Your article was so helpful to me. Thank you so much for guiding in an area where a guide (me) is being guided. I truly enjoyed meeting you a couple years ago Ale. I hope to see you again sometime as I remember how absolutely loving and wanting to be present your energy was. You made me feel like you really wanted to connect. I was stunned and grateful that day. You had a natural way of being there with me in the present moment. A softness that was strong.

    🐺

  4. Every breakup is different. There are many unwritten rules to navigate. For example the one being broken up with get to decide the conditions for further contact. The one breaking up is the one to initiate that contact.

    I haven’t been married yet, but as soon as I say I love someone I mean it. Even if that means letting them go and be happier with someone else (inevitably). It hurts like hell, but as long as you don’t have any regrets about getting together in the first place, there are memories to cherish.

    I usually have 14 days in shock where I can organise help before hell breaks loose for at least a month.

    I strive to keep the friendships. For some I am even the one who got away, but if an ex just want us to relive the past, there is no other choice than to move on. You seem to have the same experiences.

    Hold your head high, even when grieving. You seem to know how it works already. Have confidence in your self worth (I wish I did).

  5. Yes there is free will, yes people are allowed to use it and leave a relationship at any time… but if this is the action taken.. especially over and over again.. then you never took on your partner as part of yourself. You describe relationships as if they are a drug to make yourself feel good and then when that stage wears off you leave and you make excuses for hurting the person you were supposed to have committed to because you “didn’t know better at the time so there is nothing to dwell.” Even if you can free yourself of the emotions, you don’t get off that easy because you are hurting people. This is what it is and I am not demonizing you because we all have hurt people, but if you ever want a true partnership with a real twin flame you will need to learn empathy and how to take on the other as part of you. Men have a real problem with this.. especially men who are business oriented. If you do this you won’t want to leave any more than you want to cut off your own arm. The part that you wrote that I thought was most on point and valuable was the part about grieving a relationship and how a person on the other end of this type of thing has a hard time getting over their own ego and admitting they played a role and chose a relationship that failed.. they don’t want to face feelings that they were “bad” etc. I think this is very true and hard for some of us, especially women. I really like the quote you shared about grieving. It can be very difficult to take on the problems of another person especially a person who is obsessive about shadow work because of their own intense trauma imprint. Without proper communication and balance and honesty upfront about the commitment this is a recipe for disaster. It will feel that person is too needy and will be abandoned.. so there must be balance in this world to restore order.. we must handle our own shit yes but we need each other too! I wish you Love and Light as all beings on a path to peace to heal from this experience… and I hope for the future you can learn the true art of empathy so that the whole world benefits and no more commitments that can’t be honored are made and therefore you can either live in bliss with a twin flame or be honest that isn’t what you really want and attract a different type of relationship.

    • Very insightful comment. Yes, empathy and attunement is something I have struggling with, and have to keep improving on. Without looking for excuses, many of us business people learn to reduce pain faced with responsibilities by shutting off emotions. My last partner and I loved each other very much but unfortunately we were both insufficiently healed to make it work long-term. I lacked attunement and empathy, and she could not handle any autonomy from me which I need to feel alive and creative. It is a bit of a tragedy when you know it is a twin flame relationship. I do not think any of us could have done any more that we did. We gave it our 120% so this is why I am saying I hold no regret. Healing takes time and we could not find a short-cut…but we kept trying until the external pressure reached a threshold and broke us apart in a painful way. Some things in life really suck but fortunately we can always take advantage of it through our inner work.

      • I respect a lot that you are open to learning.. and don’t just shut this down immediately
        I think the biggest thing by far is to get to this balance where we can take on another as part of ourselves (empathy) but have boundaries and communication to be able to handle our own shit without feeling abandoned. No one should have to take on the problems of another person in a way where it feels like you have to figure it out for them. They are part of you but independent too 🙂

        Also I think it is ok to admit for some men that they just don’t want a true committed relationship.. some are not meant for a twin flame.. they like the initial phase of that feeling of attraction and intense positivity but don’t feel empathy and take others as part of them/family… so when that intitial phase wears off they are done… if they can be real and honest with themselves first and therefore others about who they are And hey want it may save a lot of hurt…
        Some men just want different things and that is ok! All feelings are valid.. just best to be real

      • Also I am sorry I know it must be a hard time.. I wish you both healing and renewed vitality and happiness … I hope you both can find a path to forgiveness and see the love that is there.. if someone feels to be demonizing you just remind yourself that they are hurt and struggling and try to find it in you to love them ❤️From the place you can

  6. I don’t think you can quantify healing and say “it takes one month per year of a relationship to heal” because the grieving and healing process is different for each person. The Dynamics of marriage are also different for each person. Some people have an easier time than others cutting those karmic bonds and chords. My parents divorced after 20 years of marriage. 25 years after the divorce, one of my parents still has strong karmic bonds and cannot “let go” while my other parent has long since moved on.
    Vaillant, please don’t discount therapy or counseling. It could be very therapeutic with the healing you are doing. I wish you the best.

  7. “How about you? I am interested to know more about your own break-up stories, what you learned from them, and what helped your grieving process.”—- I need you email address to write my own because when I wrote , comment can’t be posted as it was a long story.

  8. Sometimes, it takes sex to heal. Sometime, you need to go through using your sexual energy with someone to understand it’s working again. Sometimes breack-ups are a very big trauma, and require to gain back some confidence you lost in the relationship. Especially if your formal ex has convinced you he or she was the only one to be able to make you be really intimate. But as everybody says, break-ups are different for everyone, it’s like everything, we have to keep what’s good, and to get rid of what’s not. Any path is the right path as long as it brings you to happiness.

  9. Love is a wonderful feeling, but the pain of break up is something I told myself I wouldn’t want to experience again…. But yet I still fall in love again hahahah
    But I must say, even when I break up, a small part of me still retains the love for everyone that I have dated so far!
    Oh and do check out my blog and give me a follow too!

  10. My most recent relationship had lasted for about 9 months, and we broke up roughly a month and a week ago. At the beginning I felt numb, empty, indifferent. I knew that something was happening within me, I could feel the waves of a very agitated ocean moving back and forth, but it was all avoided by some kind of emotional detachment. Then anger started crawling in, I was resentful, and still am. But now I can have a bit of emotional balance that makes me live my life in a more steady way. You say that to isolate ourselves in the process of healing is not healthy. Honestly, I couldn’t find another way how to balance what’s within me and what’s surrounding me. I needed, and still do, a lot of alone time. I’ve gradually detached from friends and started enjoy the presence of me in my own life, which has always been expendable until now. I’m not saying I have abandoned my friends, but Im there for them when I can and want.
    I still think of him. Yesterday was his birthday and obviously I threw a thought at him. Lately I’ve also been wondering what had I done wrong (I do give for granted that I made mistakes), and I’ve allowed myself to investigate further. I think I know what I had done wrong in the relationship to make it so dramatic, on the other hand I am still thankful that it’s over. Despite the fact that I’m aware of the bads I had brought into the relationship, I am not willing to go back there, never ever again. Because my self-awareness is not enough to make it work, and I don’t want to waste more hope on him trying to make a change for himself and us, eventually, because I think he’s not capable.
    Yesterday on the tram back home all these mistakes I had done beated me in the face, right in between the eyes, and I kind of felt compelled to tell him that I know I am also responsible for all the sh*t, as a way to say “You’re not the only one that is complicated here”, because I was moved by sympathy (to be read in the Greek meaning – sharing feelings) towards him. But it’s completely unnecessary as we’re both off each other and I, personally, am on the initial phase to let go of him.
    Sometimes I feel like I should thank him for all the bad he’s done to me, although the emotional damage is quite big. On the other hand, all this experience with him brought my attention back to some ancient unresolved issues I have with myself, and our end was just the beginning of a new chance towards me.

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