A lasting and fulfilling love relationship may be one of the rarest things to experience in this life as mere mortals. Couple issues are common and the divorce rate has been exploding all over the world over the past decades. When people needs are moving up the Maslow pyramid, from pure survival to creating a life that feels good, they have higher expectations and they aspire to an emotionally fulfilling intimate relationship. Many people are expert at projecting how good they are doing as a couple to the outside world but as soon as they are home alone, difficult arguments may start. Actually, very few couples are experiencing the following attributes that would characterize a successful intimate relationship:
Feeling loved, seen, understood and cared for
Enjoying spending time together
Heartfelt intimate connection that translates in feeling the other in oneself such as giving to our beloved feels better than giving to oneself
Physical affection including great sex
Lots of laugh together
Such relationships are a very rare gift, and nothing can come even close to bring us intense happiness. Keeping it for the long run is even rarer.
THE LURE OF PASSION
There is a common belief that love stories always end up badly. This is why we say falling in love instead of waking up to love. Romantic love is this intense and all-consuming feeling to merge with another. It is not rational, explainable or conscious. It feels more like a mystical state than anything else. It stems from the depth of our subconscious. It yields incredible power to change the course of any life, and its primary purpose is to break the walls required to promote our inner growth.
Romantic love is a way for nature to urge us into forcing us to solve our unresolved fragments, to bring our shadows into light and to work out our Karma. It is one of the ways for spirit to orchestrate our growth as a spiritual being having a human experience.
First, intense love attractions are about our traumatic past so that we may re-experience them in a different form to bring them back to our conscious mind, and complete healing. Girls with an absent father will automatically look for an emotionally unavailable man. They try hopelessly and futilely to be loved by them. It is their subconscious attempt to get loved by dad again. A man who was abandoned as a child will repeat over and over this pattern of abandonment with his partners. We replay the trauma of the past tragically and we get hurt badly. Some of us are able to reflect upon these difficult experiences to heal our painful past to create a life that feels good. But many of us sink even deeper into addiction, or develop mental and physical health issues.
There is nothing like love to transform us to our very core. Love relationships also act as a strong indicator of the qualities we need to develop within to become whole. We fell in love with someone because they have attributes that we want to possess. They are guiding us through our journey of self-development. We are not even conscious of this process. Attraction is based on how much a person is able to reflect our disowned self. This is why shrewd businessmen lacking empathy are often attracted to highly sensitive women. They represent the heart they have lost along the way of their financial success. Unfortunately, we quickly start doing to the object of our love what we have done to the aspect of us this person is mirroring, the aspect of us that we have disowned. We shut it down, we judge it as weak and incompetent with the repercussions we know to the detriment of the relationship. This is largely the reason why many love stories end up badly.
The first beautiful phase of a romantic relationship shows us what we can become as we achieve our full potential. These states of consciousness include feeling incredibly alive, ego dissolution, feeling one with all, sharing and feeling love with an open heart. So why don’t we go directly towards this magical potential that we all possess instead of getting lured by the reflection of this love in another human being? Why don’t we go directly for the fire of self-love and trust that a beautiful intimate relationship will manifest in this physical dimension to mirror that love?
On an amusing and anecdotal note, many people give up on human love and just buy a dog. They know that no one would ever be able to provide this level of unconditional love exhibited by their pet. Some others just turn towards God, Jesus or Buddha because an imaginary being that they project as perfect could never do them wrong. They just project the pure love potential that exists within all of our hearts to an external projection. And some others again look for self-realization. At the end, it is all the same search for love, to realize that it lays within our own heart.
LOVE AS MANIPULATION
There are many wrong reasons to be in an intimate relationship with someone. We may be afraid of feeling lonely. We may feel incapable of taking care of ourselves financially, emotionally or physically. We may want to look good (or avoid looking bad) to our family, friends or community. We are ashamed of all these reasons so we manipulate to get our needs met. Seduction takes the form of manipulation. We show the other person the aspect of us that will appeal to their own insecurity and lack: we want partners with a sexy body to boost one’s self-esteem, another one with a muscular one to feel safe next to him, a wealthy partner for financial security, a witty boyfriend for fun, an intelligent girlfriend for stimulation or someone empathic for warmth and support. We all intuitively do this as part of the seduction game. So we start the relationship on the promise of what the other person is looking for, but this is a small aspect of us. Quickly, we cannot help showing who we truly are, especially if we live with our lover. All our flaws and all the dark reasons why we wanted to be in a relationship go on the open. This is the moment of shock where the beloved becomes ugly and scary. Unfortunately, we are already hooked and it is too painful to leave. It will remind us possibly of how unlovable or unattractive we are, or of the traumatic childhood event where we were abandoned. We prefer not to say anything, not to rock the boat. Tension builds in the relationship. More distance or activities outside the relationship are required to soothe this terrifying intimate mirror.
However, a relationship that was based initially on something we are not or very partially is doomed. It is simply not sustainable to keep pretending. Less and less of our energy gets invested in the relationship. We start looking at other options, project our own limitations into our lover, and build resentment. We enter the relationship on the basis of manipulation and we get surprised when we get manipulated in return. This is the story of the 65-year-old dating a 25-year-old who gets shocked at the price tag that comes with it. This is a business transaction, not a relationship. One of the most common and unconscious forms of manipulation is the game between the love avoider (typically played by the man but not always) and the love anxious. As long as the woman is not attached, the man showers the woman with attention, gifts, fun outings and compliments. But as long as the woman opens her heart to the man, he gets scared, feels suffocated and the fear of commitment takes over. The woman hurts deeply as a result so she starts detaching. He panics about the lost love and with the extra distance, the man is comfortable again to pour love again into the woman and does everything he can to win her over again. But he becomes commitment-phobic as soon as he wins her back. This game can continue indefinitely.
At worst, romantic love may also become a mirage, a coping mechanism not to face our inner void or even an addiction. At best, it opens the gates of our heart and to the divine.
I have a long-time friend now in his 70s who has a long history of relationships. He has done it all. In the 90s, I knew him in a polyamorous setting with 3 beautiful women. While this could have appeared like a dream for many men reading this article, he told me recently that being alone is better than being with multiple partners. And being with a special person is better than being alone. This was his wisdom after over 50 years of relationships and it was genuine. It is so easy for us to play games, lie to ourselves, get lost in distractions rather than opening our heart to true intimacy.
LIMITS OF COMPATIBILITY
After being burned out so many times with the lure of passion, we may decide to take a different approach. We go online and answer the hundreds of questions of match.com and eHarmony to find a perfectly compatible partner. Enough of the drama, of the crazy step kids and the misunderstandings. We finally find someone with the same interests in life, the same culture, the same sex drive, the same diet, the same vision for life, the same social status and with kids of the same age. The relationship feels good and drama free. We feel we have finally transcended our past traumas to experience a relationship that feels good. We realize we can be friends in addition to lovers.
But after a while, we feel something is missing. We are missing the butterflies in the stomach. We crave for that intense passion that made us lose our mind. We are missing this feeling of fusion where our ego dissolves. We start wondering about the opportunity cost of compatibility. We cannot deal with the grief of missing real love, especially when we have experienced it before and we know how it feels. We may have a great loving friend but we start thinking this may prevent us from meeting our soulmate. A compatible relationship may feel more like a friendship than love. While a strong friendship between lovers makes life much easier to live, there is still the part of us that likes to be out of control and even obsessed about the object of love. This intensity is making us feel alive. When routine takes over, our lover may feel more like a roommate who shares now with us all the stress and burden of our life. At the same time, just meeting for the good times and doing fun things together feels empty after a while. We want something more, a fusion where we are able to share all of who we are, not only the bright side. We starve to be seen fully in all of our light and shadow, and to be loved with all our idiosyncrasies. But we are terrified that our partner would run away if they see our dark side. After all, the personality tests we took were all about our conscious aspects and not the defects we are ashamed of.
In my practice, I see people with high conflict relationships that have been together for a long time, and some that never had an argument who just decide to separate. Conflict is not what ends a relationship. To some extent, we fight for things we care about. To stop caring is what ends a relationship. Some people see relationship just as a way to get one’s needs met. This is so prevalent in this time of consumerism and social media. However, a love relationship is more defined by what we are able to give than by what we are able to get. Love is not rational. It is not about convenience. It is more an art than a science. It is all about feeling, and it is hard to make sense of all these feelings. We like stability and peace, but too much of it makes us feel uneasy. The moments of doubt and uncertainty in the relationship make us remember not to take anything for granted, that we are together by choice and not because we have to. We marvel at that irrational love we cannot explain because it is unconditional. Great sex is based on duality, on the opposites that challenge each other. When we are too similar, the polarity decreases as well as the sex appeal. Sometimes, a lover may even create some futile arguments to spark some flames because she/he becomes afraid that the relationship may become dull.
DEVELOPING DEEPER INTIMACY
Relationships are difficult because we are a multiplicity instead of being a unified whole. There is an aspect of us that is looking for fusion. However, there is another aspect that is looking for individuality and freedom. As a person, we are the composite of many layers of our past development that encapsulate with each other. The baby part wants to find fusion again with mum, and the toddler in us wants to explore away from mum. And we possess many other aspects that contradict each other. To be a human being is complex and it gets worse as we age. This is why it is so important to be introspective to know oneself and become more attuned. This way, we can compensate this inner complexity with good communication to accommodate the needs of both our internal parts and the ones of our partner. Of course, it is easier said than done.
Love starts with getting infatuated with the partner’s qualities that we desire subconsciously, the aspects of us that we have disowned. This is a form of narcissistic love, where we are in awe of our own potential through the mirror of the beloved. I believe however that true love is based on embracing and even loving the other person’s shadows or quirks. This is what is going to make a relationship last.
The reality is that we do not want to work on a relationship. We want to be in the flow. Of course, when children, material and status considerations, fear of abandonment are in play, there are very big incentives to make the relationship work. So we start problem-solving the relationship like a problem at work. We read relationship books looking for the magical recipe to fix the relationship. Love becomes a project. We become roommates or business partners with our mate and the intimacy fades away. We calculate, monitor closely what we do or say to reach an outcome. However, the flow of love requires free expression and spontaneity. It is about creating a container large enough for the person to express themselves fully so that they may be seen in their totality. It is about living in the present without any parachute. It is about reminding ourselves that love is a gift and not a due and it may vanish or come back at any time. It is about letting go off control. This is where self-love is so important. If we do not possess enough self-love, the idea of losing the object of our love is unbearable. Jealousy sets in. Otherwise, we understand that our lovers just reflect the love that is within us.
It is a wonderful feeling to be in a relationship because we want to and not because we have to. This is only possible if we have enough autonomy. Two hearts that love each other in total freedom is magical and it can be so terrifying at the same time. And it is even better when we cannot even explain why we love someone. It is an act of grace. I have learned to enjoy missing a lover and it is a such good indicator of the love I feel for her.
A relationship needs space to grow and this amount of space is dependent on the people in the relationship. Creating space helps to counter the tendency we have to take people for granted, to remember the qualities instead getting stuck on the deficiencies. The time when we miss each other genuinely takes away the natural erosion of life and routine on the relationship.
I go back to the words of intimacy expert Peter Sandhill. According to him, it takes 3 main ingredients for a fulfilling intimate relationship. First, we need love or the powerful subconscious pull that brings two beings together. Every relationship goes through ups and downs, and without this powerful attraction, we simply will not have the perseverance and the commitment to face the challenges coming our way. Secondly, we need compatibility so that we may experience more beautiful memories, enjoyable shared moments and connection time instead of conflicts. This will keep the relationship fresh and limit the natural erosion of everyday life on the relationship. Third, we need the tools which are the combination of our inner work, effective communication and relationship knowledge. We need to stay students of life and commit to become the best version of ourselves because a relationship is nothing else that the closest mirror to the totality of who we are.
What makes love so unique is that there are no rules. It is a continuous exploration. As we evolve and reflect, we have the ability to co-create a relationship that feels good for both partners or part ways. There is no magic formula but we have much power than we can imagine to heal and experience gratifying relationships. We may learn from the experience of others but, at the end of the day, it is really up to us. Authenticity, communication, creativity, commitment, openness are the constants. And let’s remember that love is more about an art than a business where flow, inspiration, courage will always mean more than willpower, problem-solving and planning.
We were born dependent. First, we were one with our mother in her womb. Then birth separated us from her. We had to start breathing on our own. As we grow up, we learn to move on our own, to feed ourselves, to make our own decisions and live our own destiny. Little by little, we are learning autonomy however we still long for the primordial desire of fusion with our own mother. Our parents did the best they could but they passed onto us their own deficiencies so we arrive to adulthood in a state of incompleteness. Love acts as a powerful spell because we feel incomplete and we are desperately looking for a better half to fill our void.
Falling in love is the subconscious drive towards completeness. Without this incentive, most of us will simply not have the courage to work on our shadows (mostly transgenerational). This is why intimate relationships are so difficult but also so rewarding. Shadow, more than light, is the foundation for the powerful attraction between lovers. Because we are all so afraid to change, nature gave us the perk of sex to incentivize us towards evolution. Nature gave us the ability to experience the ecstasy of integration at a physical level so that we may want to experience it at an emotional, mental and spiritual level.
re-read recently the story of Orpheus. He was a demi-God, a legendary musician,
poet, and prophet in ancient Greek religion. Even he could not bear the loss of
his wife Eurydice. After he failed to retrieve her from the kingdom of Hades,
he wandered randomly as a hermit and inconsolable, he fell prey to the Thracian
Maenads. Romantic love is by far the most fulfilling experience here on earth,
but it is also the most fragile. It is dependent on the free will of another
human being because without genuine reciprocity, it is not a relationship. Even
when both lovers are connected, many external events or people may disrupt
their passion: parents, status or financial issues, visa issues, ex partners or
children, illness. When it is not something external, even if they love each
other very much, they may face incompatibilities that they may be unable to
solve such as a different attachment style, power struggles, ineffective
communication, different vision for life or preferences, or children conflict for recomposed families.
And even when everything aligns, death may take away one of the lovers leaving
the other one in utter despair.
we are able to love ourselves and experience autonomy, we are limited to be in
codependent relationships. These relationships will still help us to grow and
develop but a great deal of suffering is typically associated with them. The
great attraction between the lovers is proportional to their own lack and
incompleteness. These relationships have amazing potential as the partners commit
to grow and to do their inner work. But they will feel miserable if they resist
their own expansion. They both need to realize their own incompleteness with
humility, and support each other personal growth.
my personal experience, I would like to describe the characteristics of such
the base of the dysfunction is always the lack of SELF-LOVE. Because we
do not love ourselves, we feel dependent on our romantic partner to experience
love. This weak sense of self will manifest in the following forms:
Inability or unwillingness to give space
Even the most compatible partners will have some areas where they diverge. They may not like the same type of food, enjoy different set of activities or may want spend time with different people. People who are insecure will interpret mistakenly the unwillingness to join in an activity as a sign that they are unlovable so they will put pressure on the partner to stick together even if this means that one of them will miss out on something important for him/her. This will build resentment on both sides. Other times, we may not be in an emotional state to provide adequate support to our loved one. In this case, it is best to recommend that they see a good friend or a therapist. Unfortunately, the partner will interpret this as rejection or abandonment. Of course, giving space should be more the exception than the rule otherwise there may not be enough compatibility to hold the relationship together. At the same time, it is natural for conflicting needs to arise in the course of a relationship; so giving space to each others to meet these needs separately will release considerable pressure.
all have weaknesses so we cannot be trusted in all areas. If you do not trust
your partner to take the garbage out every Monday night because he is often
distracted, then it is fine to give him a gentle reminder because history has
proven that he is likely to forget. However, if we cannot trust our partner in
aspects that are fundamental to us in the relationship, we should either work
on our trust issues or exit the relationship. Without this underlying trust,
there cannot be a relationship. Here are some examples of what could be a deal
breaker for a couple but it varies from relationship to relationship and I
highly recommend that the lovers discuss them clearly before fully committing
to each other: sexual infidelity, emotional infidelity, physical or emotional
abuse, circumcision of the children, caring for aging parents or stepchildren,
providing financial support, regular sexual intercourse, emotional intimacy
& affection. What may be a deal breaker for one couple may be insignificant
for another so communication is key. The first step however is to know your own
boundaries and love yourself enough not to violate them, even if this means
letting go of the relationship. We can only trust our partner if we can trust
Projecting a false persona
we believe we are unlovable, we create a false persona in order to get that love
we are desperately starving for. This however is a recipe for disaster. This is
very common with men. Where they are in
the courting mode, they perform lots of actions that they would simply not do
in an established relationship: offering thoughtful gifts, organizing
breathtaking dates, spending more money than they can afford on their beloved,
being ultra gentle and considerate. Then, once their object of desire gets
attached to their false persona, they relax and a less attractive personality
surfaces. Inevitably, the lady feels duped and this is not a healthy foundation
for a relationship. Being yourself from the start will limit the number of
dates you may be able to get however what is important is the quality of the
relationship and not the quantity. Here are some examples of not so innocent
white lies. We may pretend we like some
activities or food we dislike, or we exaggerate our wealth, success or sexual
performance. It is just a question of time for your mate to know you
intimately. If she or he fell in love with a false persona, she or he will
surely leave once she or he discovers your true self because this is not what
she or he signed up for. Ensure to only display behaviors or attentions in your
courting phase that are sustainable over the long run not to disappoint your
loved one down the road.
Over reliance on the relationship for important needs
mistake that many men providers do after getting married is to rely solely on
their wife to organize their social life while all their energy is focused on
work. If for any reason, their wife leaves them or even dies; they are left
alone or completely unable to take care of themselves emotionally. The same
applies for financial needs if one partner gets used to a certain lifestyle
with the inability to earn money on their own. Too much dependency creates
insecurity and a tendency to compromise oneself for the benefit of the
relationship because we feel incapable of sustaining ourselves outside the
relationship. It is healthy to be attached to someone special and it is natural
to grieve when this person disappears from our life but we need to know that we
have the ability, resourcefulness and the resilience to bounce back given
enough time to heal. This certainty takes self-love. Unfortunately, life is
unpredictable and tragedy can strike inadvertently. A certain level of
dependency is healthy in a relationship so that both partners can focus on
their strengths however not to a point where a person is unable to function at
all without their other half. Where there is too much dependency, breakups end
up being much more difficult than necessary and the abandoned partner may
become revengeful and obsessed with terrible consequences.
Fixing the other person
with lower self-esteem may feel ashamed about who they are but do not have the
strength to face it. It is less dreadful to keep focusing on other people’s
flaws and keep fixing them. As they focus on their partner’s weaknesses, they
get distracted so that they may not see their own flaws. They resent aspects of
themselves but their ego cannot admit it. So they keep projecting their
deficiencies onto others. They find compliant tormented souls that are well too
aware of their imperfection and actually enjoy the constant reproaches because
this reminds them of their early abusive family environment where they were
repeatedly put down. Constant nagging is a relationship killer. We have to put
at least ten times more pressure on ourselves for positive change than our
partner. Let us inspire them with our own example. And when we share
constructive feedback, it is best to address it vulnerably in the first person
(i.e. I feel unloved and taken for granted when you make plans without
who believe something is wrong with them have an ego that needs to hide and
repress their perceived imperfections at any cost. They do not believe their
value can speak for itself so they use every opportunity to express how good
they are, how much they are doing for the other person, how successful they
are, how much money they have, how educated they are, how good of a parent they
are, how good of a cook they are, etc… When you are certain of your own value,
you are happy just being and there is no need for self-advocacy. And if people
are unable to see your value unless you are claiming it, you may have an
inflated sense of self or it may be time to renew your circle of friends.
the second category of characteristics of codependent relationships, we do not
trust the universe to bring someone even more special after we complete the
healing of a painful breakup. So we resort to manipulation to keep our partner
chained to us at any cost and there are many forms of CONTROL we can exercise:
we keep denigrating or criticizing our partner, it will lower their
self-esteem. They will lose their self-confidence and they will not believe
that anyone else will be able to love and appreciate them. They should just be
comforted that we stick around for them. This is one of the favorite tools used
by narcissists. The recipient of such abuse needs to remember that if there is
genuine love & attraction, there is mutuality so one partner is not
entitled to feel superior. It is likely that the two partners are replaying the
abuse of their childhood whether as a victim or a perpetrator, which are two
sides of the same coin.
This is one of the indications of possessive love. While it is natural to have sensible expectations on one’s partner, jealousy is the irrational fear of losing the object of love of which we have become dependent. So we need to limit them (as well as their well-being and personal growth) when we should be the ones working on our limited beliefs and insecurities. We forbid them to interact or even to appreciate beauty from people of the opposite gender. We punish them emotionally through stonewalling, anger or withdrawing affection when our jealousy is triggered.
Power play and emotional blackmail
Every partner in a relationship typically has assets that are desired by their significant other. It may be money, beauty, sex, fame or skills. It is natural for lovers to benefit each other as long as giving comes from the heart. Manipulation comes from our transactional mind. This is the type of actions that the transactional mind will take. We purchase a nice bag for our wife before we ask her to go to a wild bachelor party in Las Vegas with our best friend. We give her a nice massage to get sex afterwards. We buy her beautiful flowers because she is suspecting that we are having an affair with a colleague. We let our husband have sex with us so that he will stop stonewalling us. It is best to express one’s needs and concerns directly instead of resorting to manipulation. When the relationship stops feeling fair, we can communicate about it in a vulnerable way rather than punishing them without any explanation. They will probably not understand, and it will make things worse. When we do something in a transactional way, it would feel off from our partner’s perspective. She or he would feel objectified and then resentful. We will then feel unloved, confused or rejected, not understanding why our partner is always dissatisfied. It is a no win situation.
We are wired to accept as truth what the majority thinks. A manipulator will often draw family members, colleagues or friends that are already loyal to them to prove a point and show they are right. Someone who is sincere will be patient with their loved ones and use logic to share their perspective, or draw from experts’ neutral opinions. For this reason, a couple should be weary to live with family or community members especially if they will automatically side with one party in case of a conflict.
relationship takes maturity, experience and SELF-AWARENESS. Here are
some of the difficulties that couples may face unintentionally because of their
lack of wisdom and personal development
Our intimate partner is our closest mirror. As such, we often interact with the person in the mirror, which is ourselves, instead of our lover. If we make a list of what annoys us in our partner, we will find undoubtedly aspects of us that we have repressed and judged severely. A lot of the attraction we feel for our partner comes from the fact that they express naturally what we have repressed in us. Unfortunately, instead of bringing these aspects back to the conscious mind for positive manifestation, we irrevocably repress or shame these aspects in them, reproducing in them our own fragmentation. Never forget that your intimate partner is for the most part your repressed self, and as such they have invaluable lessons to share with you if you can pay close attention.
may have a tendency to impose our needs over our partner’s needs or on the
opposite, put their needs before our own. Both approaches are not sustainable.
People can only repress their important needs for so long. First, it takes a
commitment for spouses to understand their important needs and communicate them
clearly to each other. Then they should creatively think on how to meet all of
their needs creatively. Partners are intimately connected so dissatisfaction in
one will immediately surface in the relationship to impact the other. By helping your
significant other to get their genuine needs met, you are helping yourself to
enjoy a more harmonious relationship. And an affectionate relationship will
dramatically improve your quality of life and personal happiness.
as I say but not as I do” is the opposite of positive inspiration. It does not
work with children and works even less with our partners. In a relationship,
double standards can be allowed and will not build resentment only if both
partners are consciously aware of them, and it feels fair to them. There are
some double standards that may be customary, such as a woman waxing but not her
husband. It may be accepted for one spouse not to contribute in cleaning the
household if they are the one that brings in all the income. All these
agreements have to be made consciously and not assumed because this is the way
we were raised. There are some other double standards that may be more
problematic. In recomposed families, one spouse may want a lot of focus and
attention on his/her own children while feeling very uneasy around his/her
partner’s children. They may want to be
the center of attention of his/her partner while providing little care for
him/her. Or they may want all of their social time to be spent with his/her
friends and not their significant other’s comrades. This is the fastest way to
lose credibility. The Golden Rule of treating others as oneself is found in
many religions and cultures for a reason.
Idealization followed by demonization
This is unfortunately common to so many relationships. At the beginning of a relationship, we can only see the positive in our beloved but give it a couple of years, and we can only see the negative. Then the break-up happens, and we make them literal monsters. People do not change that much and chances are that the person we adored is the same one that we now detest. We just applied a different filter. We shifted from the awareness of our own inner greatness revealed by this person to the projection of our own ugliness. The person you love is just as imperfect as you are. If you were with them, it means they were your match for the time being so demonizing them is nothing different than criticizing yourself. It is best to acknowledge with humility and truth their qualities and shortcomings, and realize that they have a lot to say about you too. Let all feelings of disappointment, anger, sadness and betrayal run inside of you because this is important for your healing, but once these emotions have run their course, strive for objectivity and truth. Forgive them in order to find peace within yourself.
Expectation is the other relationship killer. As an example, we have had a long day and we expect our spouse to take care of us when we come home. It is likely that your spouse will have had the same hard day and has the same expectation. This inevitably will lead to a dispute. We always need to come back to the relationship with the intent of giving. If we are unable and we need to receive, let’s express it authentically and vulnerably. Let your partner have the freedom to not support you if they are too drained and not in the right state of mind to do it. As a general rule, you should have 10 times more expectations of yourself than your partner. This will help you receive with gratitude all the little things they do to improve your life.
It is now easy to see why these types of relationships are the source of so much struggle and suffering. Love feels like a curse. Our loved one drives us insane but we cannot live without them. We are so afraid to be abandoned, or of their emotional reactions that we make a lot of compromises that hurt our personal integrity. As life’s pressures increase with children, financial & professional challenges, or illness, the dysfunctions in the relationship appear even more clearly. The relationship acts as a magnifying glass for our traumas, and our own shortcomings. The only solution is to be introspective, evolve, improve and grow in self-love and self-awareness. Then we will be able to transform our relationship or attract a new one that feels good.
It is a cliché that men and women feel loved a different way, and it is so true in many ways. Most men feel love primarily through sex and the common joke is that men think with their penis instead of their brain. The famous comedian Robin Williams used to say that the problem is, God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Women feel love primarily by being seen. They feel seen by getting a gift that shows we know what they like, by doing an act of service that we know they will appreciate (ex. cooking dinner on a night where we can feel they are exhausted, or taking the kids when we can see our spouse needs time for herself), by saying something nice and specific about her outfit or hairdo, by remembering special dates related to our love story, by selecting activities together that she enjoys, by noticing how she feels, by giving her heartfelt compliments about who she is as a person. What is important is that she has to feel unique, special and differentiated to show that you truly see her. This is why if you buy an expensive ring without making a conscious effort why this is the perfect ring specifically for her, the gift may not be appreciated. They will also not feel the love if you buy standard red roses, with a landmark card and balloon for Valentine’s Day or organize a trip a ski trip when she is really a beach person. Men feel always so confused about it and unappreciated. They performed the action, spent the money, made the effort but she is still not happy! It is because there was no conscious effort to make her feel seen in the offering and the man way of showing love was not differentiated. It has to be tailored in a way your partner feels seen as the unique person that she is, that you made the effort to understand who she is, and you have penetrated her inner world to do so.
So men try to make their partners feel seen to get laid. Women give sex to their men with the hope to be seen. It is often a frustrating transaction. How did we get there?
For a very long time, men were mocked to show any type of feelings as it evoked weakness. We were not allowed to show sadness, fear, shame, anxiety, grief, despair or helplessness if you were to be considered a real man. So we had to suppress all of these emotions. We were shamed and ridiculed for our feelings but we were always praised and envied by other men by mating with attractive women. This is why so much of our self-worth and identity has to do with sex. In this process of repressing our emotions, we lost the subtlety of being and the appreciation of the invisible things that make life magical. We lost touch with the incredible love to be experienced when we are seen as a person. So we compensated by being seen in ways that are very tangible and more quantitative: our material possessions, the physical beauty of our wife, our societal status, our medals, the school we are from, our profession, and all of our accomplishments. This may be comforting for the mind but it does nothing to our emotional being. In my career, I have met many very successful people with outstanding achievements but very few carried the radiance that you can see with genuinely happy and loving people.
I spent time recently with a friend and her 11-month-old baby. The baby kept frowning at me, which was funny, cute and surprising. The mother told me that when she saw this funny expression the first time on her baby’s face, she praised him a lot and gave him a lot of attention as she found it so adorable. The baby felt seen at that moment. So he is doing it now to everyone around because he is craving for being seen, as this is one of our most basic emotional needs. He does not understand yet you frown at people you are unhappy with. A lot of the attachment traumas we suffer come from the fact that we either have not been seen enough as a child (neglect) or seen in something unpleasant (abuse). It is so incredibly important for a baby’s development to be seen as a bundle of joy, which means to be adored, celebrated and treasured.
In my own interpretation of the Creation, God divided itself in trillions and trillions of life forms to see Itself. When he was One and non manifested, he could not see Itself, could not know Itself and could not love Itself. God, too, risked everything for the sake of love and fragmented as a result. When someone awakens, it is said they develop God consciousness. Basically, they are able to see God (or themselves) in everything and everyone. Seeing the spark of the divine in all of creation is the highest form of love we can ever experience. Loving is seeing one’s divine nature in the mirror of creation. First, we require very specific mirrors such as a twin flame to experience that state. Later, as our ego becomes more diffuse and less rigid, all of our creation can reflect our divine nature. Poets understand this more than anyone. A dog running on the trail, the scent of a rose, a river flowing, a sunset on the horizon, the smile of a child. All of it can remind us of who we truly are, so that we can feel seen and loved.
As a number of my male friends, I have done poorly in my life making my partners feel seen. This has been an area where I struggled in all my love relationships despite my best efforts. I do not think my children felt seen by me too when they were younger and the same pattern limited so of my friendships for the same reason. My parents did not have parents when they were young so they never developed a sense of what it is to be truly seen, felt and understood. Most of our childhood traumas are more about what was not done to us rather than what was done to us. What is not healed in one generation is passed on to the next and I was no exception. An important event happened this week that may finally shift this pattern and this cycle of suffering. I was sitting with an older and very self-aware friend just trying to connect. For the first time of my life, I felt in my body the conscious sensation of being seen by him. I felt he could truly penetrate my world and see me. He made some insightful comments about me that made me feel differentiated and unique that brought tears to my eyes. For the first time of my life, I could understand somatically why women feel love when they are seen because I was this time on the receiving end and I could feel it myself with my whole being. Before, it had just been a mental concept for me, something I had to do to make my partner happy. I was not aware I had the same need to be seen too. I realized how to see each other is the easiest and more natural way of sharing love. And that sharing love is the most important thing we can ever do in our lives. I was bringing in me the capacity of feeling loved the same way the feminine does so naturally.
We need to be very conscious of social media. Like every tool, it can be used in positive ways to stay connected with family, friends, acquaintances or fans. It can be a learning and marketing tool, a way to share information effectively, or a source of inspiration. But it can also disconnect us from each other. So many people now would rather be on their phone rather than really connecting to the people that are in their physical vicinity. We make them feel small, unimportant and unseen as a result of looking for that small dopamine high. Let’s remember that connection and making each other feel seen is our most powerful way to share love, and there is nothing more important we could do at any given moment. And if you need to respond to an urgent email or text, then consider the other person and consciously ask for their permission to do so.
For millenniums, we dominated women but we lost ourselves as a result. We felt threatened by women because they could create new lives through childbearing when we could not. We felt desperate for the love of women and hated this dependency so we attempted to control them. Jesus was the living example on how to marry the divine masculine and divine feminine within us. The patriarchy that was in charge at that time felt very threatened and quickly eradicated any mention of the feminine from his teachings once they became mainstream. During a meditation, I received the transmission that the sign of the cross that most Christians practice had been in fact corrupted. It was supposed to be:
In the name of the Father (right hand on the forehead)
And of the Mother (right hand on the heart)
And of the Son (right hand on the left shoulder)
And of the Holy Spirit (right hand on the right shoulder)
Father is the Yang energy, fire. Mother is the Yin energy, water. From there, the whole world is created. The Son is Christ consciousness in a human body (Jesus of Nazareth), the union of the divine masculine and the divine feminine in one human body to show us that heaven on earth is possible. The Holy Spirit invokes our own responsibility to live a life that is aligned with our soul direction and the higher principles of this universe. So we felt so threatened by the feminine that we enslaved it. By doing so, we lost touch with the invisible world of feelings and impoverished our life in dramatic ways. We stopped perceiving subtle feelings and seeing the spiritual world. God, angels, guides and demons became myths and fables for the weak and superstitious. Science took over spirituality. While this was healthy in a way, we went too far the other extreme in order to compensate from the abuse of religions. We got trapped in a material world and our own material creations started to dominate us as most of our lives are now driven by material pursuits. We can only reverse this trend by bringing back the feminine. And we can do it by learning to love as a woman, by loving intimacy, being seen and being loved as we are seen for who we are. We can rediscover this truth in ourselves by really getting in touch with what feels good. It cannot be a mental process. Let’s ask ourselves what we are really looking for in a relationship and not forcing the answer. It is time for us to make the invisible a priority over the visible. The feminine is supposed to symbolize pure, unlimited, unrestrained and free flowing energy. The masculine has to do about focusing and directing this energy for manifestation but not controlling it. In the same way, when we try to control the energy of love, it goes away. Love goes with freedom and expansiveness. Through our inner work, we can reconnect with the spark of light that is pure love within us, and look for ways to reflect this light back through all of our relations.
Are you ready to marry the feminine and the masculine within yourself?
I have fallen in love 6 times in my life. Falling in love feels like a higher state of consciousness where all we care about is spending time with our beloved, where our happiness is her happiness as we would do anything to earn her grace. In that state, time ceases to exist as 10 hours with our lover feels like 2 minutes. Eating, drinking and sleeping are deemed non-important when we are love-intoxicated. It is a very powerful state that can induce fears among the person’s entourage as someone in love appears suddenly so unpredictable. For that reason, psychologists have described this state in less favorable terms as infatuation or limerence, denoting a state of obsession, unreasoned passion or even addiction. In my personal experience, it is a very beautiful state that needs to be cherished, enjoyed thoroughly and extended as long as possible as it is so precious. Reality eventually kicks in, and it always feels too early when it does.
The Universe is very interested in our growth and it knows that there is nothing better than an intimate relationship to boost our self-awareness. So, it baits us with the magnificent feeling of falling in love. When we merge with someone else, we die and we are being reborn. The person we are going to fall madly in love with is the person that has the potential to maximize our inner development. Unfortunately, we all know from our lives that the times when we grew the most may have been the most challenging, and this is true for intimate relationships. I fully subscribe to the Imago theory that was developed by the Hendrix’s. It says that we are attracted to partners that will help us relive and eventually heal the unresolved traumas from childhood. Sometimes partners are able to go through that growth and healing together. However, some other times, one partner may run away from the other and will see the break-up as the most conducive to their healing. It is a matter of individual choice, and it is best to honor the person’s free will rather than pretending we know better by emitting judgments. Nevertheless, breaking up from an intimate partner is one of the most painful experiences of our existence down here, only comparable to the death of a loved one.
Paradoxically, my most difficult break-up was with my first love when I was only 19. I did not make a formal commitment to her such as an engagement. There were no legal or financial complications. We were both very young and our break-up only impacted us emotionally with very little consequences for our friends & family. How is it possible that my break-ups involving children, parents or splitting all of our assets could have felt less difficult to handle? This confirms that our life experience, the healing tools at our disposal, and mature thinking are critical in supporting the grieving process of break-ups. For this reason, I want to share with you what I have learned in this process in hope that it may be helpful to you.
Follow the waves instead of resisting them
The process of uncoupling is brutal because it involves many parts of us: physical, emotional and mental. As we lose this special person in our life, our body may go into shock as we cannot hug them, touch them or cuddle with them anymore, especially if this aspect of the relationship was really fulfilling. We may miss sharing our feelings, the small attentions, feeling loved or their emotional presence. We may miss the long, passionate and intellectually stimulating conversations. It will really depend on the specific relationship dynamics. In any case, this leaves a big void in our life. It is best to acknowledge it and completely feel it rather than denying it. I would like to share a quote that was sent by a friend of mine: “Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.” – Jamie Anderson
People who cannot move on from a relationship are people who cannot grieve because they refuse to feel the pain associated with the loss. Their ego refuses to experience this suffering because it would make it mean that they contributed to the failure of the relationship, that they were flawed, that they were bad, that they are meant to be alone, that they are unlovable, that they deserved to be abandoned, and so on, and so forth. It is all about unhealed attachment traumas. Instead they become negatively obsessed with the former object of love that they used to glorify publicly. They attempt to appear as a victim, forgetting they entered the relationship full heartedly with their freedom of choice. We do not need to be perfect to be loved. To be human is to be imperfect and we make mistakes. I gave all that I had to my important relationships so I hold no regret. Yes, I made mistakes but I did not know better at the time, so there is nothing to dwell on.
After we have broken-up from a partner we loved, the pain will be acute, and the first waves will hit us hard. Last April, after I had just landed in France, if one of my friends would ask me how I was doing, I could not say a word but started shedding tears as the dissolution of the marriage had just started. This was healthy! After getting some sleep and recovering from jet lag, my mind was again in control and I lost touch again with my emotions. I had brought back my heart walls so as not to feel the pain of the break-up. Fortunately, my friend Jacques made me realize that I was getting in the way of my own grieving process. My mind was so afraid to feel out of control that it had started shutting down the feelings of loss. This was unhealthy. Societal expectations are therefore the opposite of what we need for our grieving process. The down waves may take the form of feeling unlovable, isolated, anxious or depressed for example. These emotions have to be experienced fully and somatically (with the body) with no judgment. The big mistake we make in our healing process is to overuse our mind while the body is so much better equipped to release trauma. Crying, shouting, shaking has done more for my healing than all of my analytical processes. Analysis should follow healing from the body and the emotions but not precede it. Fortunately, we have the ability to take advantage of our emotional suffering for healing purposes. So we can always benefit from a difficult and painful situation.
In my personal experience, the up and down waves take on average a week, and the waves’ intensity get lower over time to eventually stabilize back to a normal state. Recently, during one of the down waves, I started feeling very heavy energy. I went to lunch with a friend anyway but the plumber called me just as I was about to order lunch. I had to come back home right away. I realize this was a wake-up call to make the healing process the priority instead of daily activities. We went into the healing room and I started expressing the raw feelings without any filters. In this case, it was about that I felt that people I loved the most saw me as a monster. I let my body purge these emotions, and could come back to the original childhood fragment related to my sister. My parents lacked emotional maturity and did not prepare her well for my venue into this world. She saw me as the newcomer that was stealing from her the small crumbs of love from our parents. She developed hatred towards me that I had to internalize to cope. So I developed self-hatred and I created in my reality situations to reflect that belief. I was able to let go somatically of that belief during this session. I worked on changing that belief during another healing session. Interestingly, at the end of that session, one of my loved ones that is demonizing me called me unexpectedly and we had a nice exchange. I knew then that my inner work was starting to work on the fabric of reality.
If you are getting a divorce, chances are that not all of the relationship was rosy and aspects of it were rather difficult. So the good news is that you will be experiencing up waves too! If your partner was over controlling and possessive, you may feel a sense of exhilaration from your newfound freedom. If your life was drowning in drama, you may feel relieved about experiencing peace and quiet again. If you were constantly criticized and always walked on eggshells, you may enjoy being again in an environment that is both supportive and nurturing. If you did not particularly enjoy your wife’s close friends, you may be happy to be away from them. Use these up waves to your advantage. Make sure to create opportunities for yourself to do the things you could not do when you were in the marriage to fully experience some of the benefits of the break-up. This will make you feel better about the divorce. On my end, I took a month in Europe to reconnect with old friends and family. There was nothing more healing than being surrounded by people who loved me and appreciated me for who I am. Healing is about having the opposite experience. I got inspired by doing things I was not able to do when I was married. This helped me to see the glass half full instead of half empty. Also we can only receive after we empty our cup so let us develop a sense of wonder of what is coming next into our life after the loss of love.
We have been conditioned in this society to do everything on our own. So naturally, when tragedy strikes, we have a tendency to isolate. This is not healthy. We are social creatures and need each other. After breaking up an important relationship, our emotional balance goes off so we should not make things worse by denying our most basic human need to feel supported, loved and cared for. I felt very fortunate that some good-hearted people showed up in my life and kept me company when I needed it the most. Good people naturally want to help especially when their support is appreciated. It feels empowering to them and they are often healing themselves through this process too. The key is to be authentic with your pain and your needs, and you will be surprised by the amount of goodness coming your way.
Real pain versus imaginary pain
As I mentioned before, break-ups are some of the most painful experiences we can go through. However, we can make the process of grieving easier or harder on ourselves with the quality of our thoughts. The feeling of loss is real and takes time to heal. However, there are a lot of other emotions that are not real in the sense that they are fabricated by erroneous thinking. Without the faulty thought, some of the negative emotions would not even exist. This is where our mature inner adult (IA) can help our hurt inner child (IC).
IC: “This person destroyed my life. I will never be able to recover. This person took everything away from me.”
IA: “This was a difficult experience and I chose it out of my free will. There are important lessons to learn from any painful relationship.”
IC: “What’s wrong with me that I cannot have a healthy and nurturing relationship? I am forever doomed. God hates me.”
IA: “I have learned important lessons of this past relationship and I am much better equipped as a result to attract the right type of person into my life. Though it was painful, I see this person as an important teacher. There are often many layers of healing we need to go through to manifest what we truly want.”
IC: “This person has to pay for what he did to me and my children. I will make him pay for the rest of eternity so that he does not hurt anyone like he hurt me.”
IA: “I hope this person can be happy in their future relationships. I am glad I am not in his life anymore so that I can attract a relationship that feels better. If the same pattern appears again in any future relationship, I will know that the problem may be more related to me than him.”
If the inner child is really hurt, it is best for the inner adult to start validating the inner child before sharing his wisdom. For example, in the first situation, this would look like “I feel that this person destroyed my life and took everything away from me. Sometimes I may feel that I will never be able to recover. However, I have been through similar difficult break-ups in the past and I have survived. I actually keep attracting better partners. I can see this was a difficult experience but I chose it out of my free will and no one forced me into it. There are some important lessons I learned from this relationship”. Use your intuition to balance effectively your IC and IA. If you were to let your toddler run the show in your household, things would be quickly out of control and your sweet child would turn into a high-chair tyrant. Meet all the emotional needs of your inner child but do not lose yourself in the process. An important role of the IA is to educate the IC to grow-up. Emotional validation has to come with accountability so that we do not get stuck in a victim role, which is one of the lowest vibrational states.
Keeping contact or not after a break-up?
People who break-up that still love each other will feel very hurt. It is often very difficult for them to stay in contact, and any exchange with the estranged partner may feel like re-traumatization. In an ideal world, especially if there are children involved, it would be best for former partners to stay friendly and on social terms. In my experience, it is however only feasible when the love has faded away for both partners and they have moved on with their respective lives. There is no sense of loss anymore or hard feelings. This can take time. How likely is this when a couple has just broken up? Very unlikely. If one person is not in love anymore but the other person is, then the situation is just as difficult. I am of the opinion that people need to do what is best for their personal healing. However, if children are involved, put the children’s healing first while not succumbing to ex-partner control dramas. I have kept in touch with a couple of the women I have been in love with in the past, and I have found these relationships rewarding. However, it often took years before we were able to reconnect. This should not be forced, as the newly gained friendship would need to be unconditional and away from all the failed expectations of the past. So in most cases, a clean cut in the short-term may be preferable to support the emotional healing of the recently broken up couple.
Gratitude as the ultimate healing tool
By doing important healing work in Europe supported by friends and family, I found the resources to write a blog about the end of the marriage in a way that was genuinely grateful. And this time, I was not bypassing. I could appreciate all the wonderful times and all the gifts that came from the relationship. It was now up to me to create in my life and in myself all the things I previously adored in her. When we are grateful, we cannot be resentful. When we are grateful, we cannot feel like a victim. When we are grateful, we cannot feel revengeful. When we are grateful, we are looking forward to a bright future and we are not lost dwelling on the past. When we are grateful, we do not close ourselves off and on the contrary, we keep our heart open to new possibilities. We should not rush ourselves into this state however. Before we can reach genuine gratitude, all raw emotions of powerlessness, anger, resentment, sadness and loss have to be experienced. And sometimes, we have to go through these emotions multiples times through various cycles. Our emotions need be true, and we should not pretend we are feeling something that we are not. This is a big part of living an authentic life. We need to find the courage to express openly how we feel when we are in a safe environment unconcerned of the good opinions of others
How long does it take to heal from a break-up?
If we are committed to our healing, have a supportive environment, and can rely on a wise IA (Inner Adult), I think one month per year of the relationship is a fair expectation. Otherwise, it may take much longer and actually some people never get over some past relationships. Sometimes the grieving or pulling away will actually start when you are still in the relationship. During the grieving phase, strict celibacy is most recommended. Our sexual energy is the finest energy at our disposal and this energy can be turned inward for healing. This will work marvels and help you shift to a new level. If we genuinely listen to our body during a grieving cycle, we will notice that the body has no desire to expand its energy sexually. Only the mind may do so in order to prevent experiencing difficult emotions as it follows an addictive pattern. Our mind is a good servant but a poor master. Our heart and body wisdom are far more reliable to know what is best for us. Do not rush your grieving process. Slower is often faster.
How about you? I am interested to know more about your own break-up stories, what you learned from them, and what helped your grieving process.
French translation below – Article en Français ci-dessus
Je suis tombé
amoureux six fois dans ma vie. Tomber amoureux, c’est comme vivre un état de
conscience extatique où tout ce qui nous intéresse est de passer du temps avec l’être
aimé, où notre bonheur est son bonheur, et nous ferions n’importe quoi pour
mériter sa grâce. Dans cet état, le temps cesse d’exister, et dix heures avec l’être
aimé passent si rapidement. Manger, boire et dormir sont relégués au second
plan lorsque nous sommes dans cet état d’ébriété amoureuse. Une personne
amoureuse suscite des craintes au sein de son entourage, car elle apparaît
soudainement imprévisible. Pour cette raison, les psychologues ont décrit cet
état amoureux en des termes peu favorables dénotant un état d’obsession, une
passion irraisonnée ou même une dépendance. D’après mon expérience personnelle,
c’est un très bel état qui doit être chéri, apprécié complètement et rallongé
aussi longtemps que possible, car il est si précieux. Le quotidien et la
routine reprennent le dessus sur cette passion toujours trop tôt.
Il n’y a rien de
mieux qu’une relation intime pour notre croissance intérieure et développer
notre conscience personnelle. Les périls sont importants, et la nature nous appâte
par ce sentiment magnifique d’être amoureux. Lorsque nous fusionnons avec
quelqu’un d’autre, nous mourons et nous renaissons. La personne dont nous
allons tomber éperdument amoureux est celle qui a le potentiel de maximiser
notre développement intérieur. Malheureusement, nous savons que les moments de
notre vie où nous avons grandi le plus ont peut-être aussi été les plus
difficiles, et cela est d’autant plus vrai pour les relations intimes. Je
souscris pleinement à la théorie Imago développée par Harville Hendrix. Il dit
que nous sommes attirés par des partenaires qui nous aideront à revivre et
éventuellement à guérir les traumatismes non résolus de notre enfance. Le
couple est parfois capable de s’aider mutuellement à revivre ensemble ces
traumatismes de l’enfance afin de catalyser leur guérison intérieure.
Cependant, bien trop souvent, l’un des partenaires prend peur, abandonne ou
considère que la rupture est la condition la plus propice à cette même
guérison. C’est une question de choix individuel, et il est préférable de
respecter le libre arbitre de la personne plutôt que de prétendre que nous
savons mieux qu’elle en émettant des jugements et des critiques. Néanmoins,
rompre avec un partenaire intime est l’une des expériences les plus
douloureuses de notre existence ici-bas, comparable à la mort d’un être cher.
que je n’avais que dix-neuf ans, j’ai ressenti la fin de mon premier amour comme
la rupture amoureuse la plus difficile que j’ai vécue. Je n’avais pourtant
aucun engagement formel, comme des fiançailles. Il n’y avait aucune
complication juridique ou financière. Nous étions tous les deux très jeunes, et
notre rupture ne nous a touchés que de manière affective, avec très peu de
conséquences pour nos amis et notre famille. Comment est-il possible que mes
ruptures impliquant des enfants, des parents ou la séparation de tout notre
patrimoine aient été moins difficiles à gérer ? Cela confirme que notre
expérience de la vie, les outils de guérison à notre disposition et une pensée
mature sont essentiels pour la guérison des cœurs brisés. Pour cette raison, je
souhaite partager avec vous ce que j’ai appris au cours de ce processus, dans
l’espoir que cela puisse vous être utile.
Le processus de
découplage est brutal, car il implique de nombreuses parties de nous-mêmes :
physique, émotionnelle et mentale. Lorsque nous perdons la personne que nous
aimons, notre corps peut être sous le choc du fait que nous ne puissions plus
les embrasser, les toucher ou les câliner, surtout si cet aspect de la relation
était épanouissant. Il peut être aussi douloureux de ne plus partager nos
sentiments ainsi que les petites attentions du quotidien, de ne plus se sentir
aimé, et leur absence nous pèse émotionnelle. Les longues conversations
passionnées et stimulantes sur le plan intellectuel peuvent aussi nous manquer.
Les souffrances de la rupture sont vraiment spécifiques à chaque relation. Cependant,
cela nous laisse avec un grand vide dans notre vie. Il est cependant préférable
de reconnaître et de ressentir ce manque plutôt que de le nier pour notre
guérison. Je voudrais partager avec vous une citation qui m’a été envoyée par
un de mes amis : « Le chagrin, c’est de l’amour. C’est de l’amour
que vous voulez donner, mais il n’y a plus personne pour le recevoir. Tout cet
amour non partagé se rassemble dans les coins de nos yeux, dans le creux de
notre gorge et dans cette partie vide de ta poitrine. Le chagrin est un amour qui
n’a nulle part où aller. » – Jamie Anderson
Les personnes qui
ne peuvent pas guérir et donc faire le deuil d’une rupture amoureuse sont celles
qui refusent de ressentir la douleur associée à la perte de l’être cher. Leur
ego refuse de vivre cette souffrance, car cela voudrait dire qu’ils son
responsable de l’échec du couple, et donc qu’ils étaient défaillants, qu’ils
étaient mauvais, qu’ils rendaient l’autre malheureux, qu’ils méritaient d’être
abandonnés et ainsi de suite. Il s’agit de traumatismes d’attachement de
l’enfance non guéris. Au lieu de cela, ils s’obsèdent à détruire et critiquer cette
personne qu’ils glorifiaient auparavant. Ils tentent maintenant d’apparaître
comme une victime, oubliant qu’ils sont entrés dans cette relation amoureuse
avec leur libre arbitre. Nous n’avons pas besoin d’être parfaits pour être
aimés. Être humain, c’est être imparfait, et nous faisons des erreurs. Je me
suis donné entièrement aux femmes que j’ai aimées, et je n’ai rien à regretter.
Oui, j’ai fait des erreurs, mais j’ai agi au mieux en fonction de mes
compréhensions de l’époque. Il n’y a donc pas de quoi s’attarder à refaire le
Après avoir rompu
avec un partenaire que nous avons aimé intensément, la douleur est aiguë et les
premières vagues de chagrin nous frappent durement. En avril dernier, peu après
la rupture avec ma femme, si l’un de mes amis me demandait comment j’allais, je
ne pouvais pas dire un mot, mais commençais à verser des larmes. C’était en fait
une bonne chose ! Après avoir dormi un peu et récupéré du décalage
horaire, ma tête était à nouveau en contrôle et j’ai de nouveau perdu contact
avec mes émotions. J’avais à nouveau blindé mon cœur pour ne pas ressentir la
douleur de la rupture. Heureusement, mon ami Jacques m’a fait comprendre que je
m’opposais à mon propre processus de deuil et donc de guérison émotionnelle. Ma
tête avait si peur de perdre le contrôle qu’elle avait commencé à enfouir mon
chagrin. C’était malsain. Les attentes de la société reliées à la non-expression
des émotions négatives sont donc le contraire de ce dont nous avons besoin pour
notre processus de deuil. La perte d’une relation intime peut prendre la forme d’une
dépression, d’une lourde solitude, de l’angoisse ou d’une tristesse
inconsolable, par exemple. Ces émotions doivent être vécues pleinement et
somatiquement (avec le corps) sans jugement. La grande erreur que nous
commettons dans notre processus de guérison est de tout résoudre et analyser
par la tête alors que le corps est tellement mieux équipé pour libérer un
traumatisme. Pleurer, crier, trembler a plus fait pour ma guérison intérieure que
tous mes processus analytiques. L’analyse doit suivre la guérison du corps et
des émotions, mais pas la précéder. Heureusement, nous avons la capacité
d’apprendre de nos souffrances émotionnelles pour devenir des personnes avec
plus de sagesse et de compassion. La vie nous donne justice, car nous pouvons heureusement
toujours bénéficier d’une situation difficile et douloureuse.
expérience personnelle, les vagues montantes et descendantes de souffrance
émotionnelle prennent en moyenne une semaine, et l’intensité de celles-ci
diminue progressivement avec le temps pour finalement se stabiliser à un état
normal. Récemment, pendant l’une des vagues, j’ai commencé à ressentir une
énergie très lourde. Malgré cela, je suis allé déjeuner avec un ami, mais le
plombier m’a appelé au moment où j’allais faire ma commande. Je devais rentrer
à la maison tout de suite. Je me suis rendu compte que cet appel était un signe
que je devais mettre en priorité mon processus de guérison plutôt que mes
activités quotidiennes. Nous sommes allés dans la pièce de la maison réservée
aux guérisons émotionnelles et avec le soutien de mon ami, j’ai commencé à
exprimer sans filtre toutes mes émotions négatives. Dans ce cas précis, je
ressentais que les personnes que j’aimais le plus dans ma vie me considéraient
comme un monstre. J’ai donc laissé mon corps purger ces émotions, et j’ai pu alors
revenir au traumatisme initial de mon enfance relié à ma sœur. Mes parents qui manquaient
de maturité émotionnelle dû fait de leurs propres traumatismes et ne l’avaient
pas bien préparée pour mon entrée dans ce monde. Elle m’a perçu comme un intrus
qui lui volait les petites miettes d’amour venant de nos parents. Elle a montré
tout de suite une haine envers moi bébé, que j’ai dû intérioriser pour y faire
face. J’ai donc développé un dégoût envers moi-même et j’ai manifesté dans ma
vie des situations pour incarner cette croyance. J’ai heureusement pu
abandonner somatiquement cette opinion négative grâce à deux séances de
guérison. Fait intéressant, à la fin de la deuxième session, un de mes proches
qui me diabolisait m’a appelé de façon inattendue et nous avons eu un bon
échange. Je savais alors que mon travail intérieur commençait à travailler sur
le tissu de la réalité.
Si vous divorcez,
il est probable que la relation n’était pas toute rose et que certains aspects
étaient plutôt difficiles. La bonne nouvelle est donc que vous ferez également
l’expérience de vagues émotionnelles montantes et joyeuses également ! Si
votre partenaire vous traitait de manière trop possessive et contrôlante, vous
ressentirez peut-être un sentiment d’exaltation relié votre nouvelle liberté.
Si votre vie était submergée de drames constants, vous serez alors soulagé de
retrouver la paix et la tranquillité. Si vous étiez constamment critiqué et que
vous marchiez toujours sur des œufs, vous apprécierez d’être à nouveau dans un
environnement à la fois positif et encourageant. Si vous n’appréciiez pas les
amis proches de votre partenaire, vous serez alors heureux de vous en éloigner.
Utilisez ces vagues ascendantes à votre avantage. Assurez-vous de faire à
présent les choses qui n’étaient pas possibles pendant le mariage afin de
profiter pleinement des avantages de la rupture. Cela vous permettra de mieux vivre
le divorce et de voir le verre à moitié plein au lieu de celui qui est à moitié
vide. De mon côté, j’ai pris un mois de vacances en Europe afin de renouer le
contact avec d’anciens amis et ma famille. Il n’y avait rien de plus apaisant
que d’être entouré de gens qui m’aimaient et qui m’appréciaient pour qui je
suis. Guérir, c’est vivre l’expérience inverse du traumatisme. Selon la sagesse
bouddhiste, nous ne pouvons recevoir qu’après avoir vidé notre tasse, alors
laissez-vous remplir d’un sens d’anticipation et d’émerveillement de ce qui va arriver
dans notre vie après la perte de l’amour.
Nous avons été
conditionnés par la société à tout faire par nous-mêmes. Alors, naturellement,
lorsque nous sommes blessés, nous avons tendance à nous isoler. Ce n’est pas
sain. Nous sommes des créatures sociales et avons besoin les uns des autres.
Après la rupture d’une relation intime importante, notre équilibre émotionnel
se dégrade, nous ne devons donc pas aggraver la situation en niant notre besoin
humain le plus élémentaire de se sentir soutenu, aimé et pris en charge.
J’étais très chanceux que de bons amis et des personnes aimantes me tiennent
compagnie quand j’en avais le plus besoin. Il est naturel pour la plupart d’entre
nous d’aider son prochain surtout quand notre soutien est apprécié. Cela nous
donne une image positive de nous-même, et aider l’autre, c’est aussi souvent se
guérir soi-même. Le plus important, c’est d’être authentique dans l’expression
de votre douleur et de vos besoins, et vous serez alors surpris de toute la
bonté venant vers vous.
Douleur réelle et
Comme je l’ai déjà
mentionné, les ruptures sont parmi les expériences les plus douloureuses que
nous puissions vivre. Cependant, nous pouvons rendre ce processus de deuil plus
ou moins facile grâce à la qualité de nos pensées. Le sentiment de perte de
l’être aimé est réel et cela prend du temps à guérir. Cependant, beaucoup
d’autres émotions n’ont pas vraiment lieu d’être dans la mesure où elles sont
fabriquées par une pensée erronée. C’est là que notre adulte intérieur(AI) peut
aider notre enfant intérieur (EI) blessé.
EI : « Cette
personne a détruit ma vie. Je ne pourrai jamais m’en remettre. Cette personne
m’a détruite. »
AI : « Ce
fut une expérience difficile, mais je l’ai choisie de mon plein gré. Il y a
d’importantes leçons à tirer de toute relation douloureuse. »
EI : « Qu’est-ce
qui ne va pas chez moi, je ne peux pas avoir une relation saine et
enrichissante ? Je suis maudite à jamais et je serai seule pour le reste
de mes jours. »
AI : « J’ai
appris d’importantes leçons de cette relation passée et je suis beaucoup mieux
équipée pour attirer le bon type d’homme dans ma vie à présent. Bien que cela
ait été douloureux, je considère cette personne comme quelqu’un qui m’a
beaucoup apporté. Je sais maintenant beaucoup mieux ce que je recherche chez un
homme et ce dont je ne veux plus. »
EI : « Cet
homme doit payer pour tout le mal qu’il a fait à moi et à mes enfants. Je vais le
faire souffrir pour le reste de l’éternité pour qu’il comprenne. »
AI : « J’espère
que cette femme pourra être heureuse dans ses relations futures. Je suis
heureux de ne plus être dans sa vie, car il y avait beaucoup trop de conflits,
et je peux maintenant attirer à moi une relation qui me convient bien mieux. Si
le même schéma réapparaît dans toute relation future, je saurai alors que le
problème vient de moi et non d’elle. »
intérieur est blessé, il est préférable que l’adulte intérieur commence à
valider l’enfant intérieur avant de partager sa sagesse. Par exemple, dans la
première situation, cela ressemblerait à ceci : « Je sens que cette
personne a détruit ma vie et m’a tout pris. Parfois, je m’égare à penser que je
ne pourrai jamais me rétablir psychologiquement. Cependant, j’ai vécu des
difficultés similaires dans le passé et j’ai survécu. En fait, je continue
d’attirer de meilleurs compagnons. Je peux voir que ce fut une expérience
difficile, mais je l’ai choisie de mon plein gré et personne ne m’y a forcée.
J’ai appris quelques leçons importantes de cette relation. » Utilisez votre
intuition pour communiquer harmonieusement avec votre EI et votre AI. Si vous
laissiez votre bambin tout diriger chez vous, cela tournerait rapidement au souk,
et votre doux enfant deviendrait un tyran en landau. Écoutez patiemment tous
les besoins émotionnels de votre enfant intérieur, mais ne vous oubliez pas
dans ce processus. L’un des rôles importants de l’AI consiste à éduquer l’EI
pour qu’il grandisse. La validation émotionnelle doit aller de pair avec la
responsabilité afin que nous ne restions pas coincés dans un rôle de victime,
qui est l’un des états vibratoires les plus bas.
Rester en contact
ou non après une rupture ?
Les personnes qui
se séparent, mais qui s’aiment encore seront très blessées. Il est souvent très
difficile pour eux de rester en contact, et tout échange avec l’ex-partenaire
peut être ressenti comme un nouveau traumatisme. Dans un monde idéal, en
particulier s’il y a des enfants, il serait préférable que les anciens
partenaires restent courtois. D’après mon expérience, cela n’est toutefois possible
que lorsque l’amour du couple n’est plus là et que chacun a tourné la page. Il
n’y a alors plus de sentiment de manque ou de rancœur. Cela peut prendre du
temps. Quelle est la probabilité que cela se produise lorsqu’un couple vient de
se séparer ? C’est très improbable. Si une personne n’est plus amoureuse,
mais que l’autre personne l’est, la situation est tout aussi difficile. Je suis
d’avis que les gens doivent faire ce qu’il y a de mieux pour leur guérison
personnelle. Toutefois, si des enfants sont impliqués, accordez la priorité à
la santé émotionnelle des enfants sans céder aux drames et au contrôle de votre
ex-partenaire. Je suis resté en contact avec quelques-unes des femmes que j’ai
aimées par le passé, et j’ai trouvé ces relations enrichissantes. Cependant, il
a souvent fallu des années avant de pouvoir créer une amitié après la fin de
l’histoire d’amour. Cela ne peut être forcé, car l’amitié nouvellement acquise
doit être inconditionnelle et éloignée de toutes les déceptions de la relation
passée. Donc, dans la plupart des cas, une coupure nette est préférable à court
terme pour permettre la guérison émotionnelle du couple récemment éclaté.
comme outil de guérison ultime
En effectuant un
important travail de guérison en Europe grâce au soutien de mes amis et de ma
famille, j’ai trouvé les ressources nécessaires pour écrire un blog afin
d’annoncer notre divorce d’une manière réellement reconnaissante en pensant à
tous les bienfaits et les moment merveilleux qui ont accompagnés notre relation.
Et je ne faisais pas la politique de l’autruche. C’était maintenant à moi de
créer dans ma vie et en moi tout ce que j’avais adoré auparavant chez elle.
Lorsque nous sommes reconnaissants, nous ne pouvons pas être en colère. Lorsque
nous sommes reconnaissants, nous ne pouvons pas nous sentir victimes. Lorsque
nous sommes reconnaissants, nous ne pouvons pas nous venger. Lorsque nous
sommes reconnaissants, un avenir radieux nous attend et nous arrêtons de vivre
dans le passé. Lorsque nous sommes reconnaissants, nous ne nous fermons pas et
au contraire, nous gardons notre cœur ouvert à de nouvelles possibilités.
Cependant, nous ne devons pas précipiter le processus de deuil en soi. Avant
que nous puissions atteindre une véritable gratitude, nous devons faire
l’expérience de toutes les émotions crues d’impuissance, de colère, de rancœur,
de tristesse et de manque. Et souvent, nous devons vivre ces émotions négatives
plusieurs fois au cours de différents cycles. Nos émotions doivent être authentiques
et nous ne devons pas prétendre ressentir quelque chose que nous ne ressentons
pas. C’est cela que de vivre une vie authentique. Nous devons trouver le
courage d’exprimer ouvertement ce que nous ressentons lorsque nous nous sentons
en sécurité sans se soucier de l’opinion d’autrui.
Combien de temps
faut-il pour guérir d’une rupture ?
Si nous voulons
vraiment guérir, si nous vivons dans un milieu sain et si nous pouvons compter
sur un adulte intérieur qui a de la sagesse, je pense qu’un mois par année de
la relation est un délai raisonnable. Toutefois, cela peut prendre parfois beaucoup
plus de temps et d’ailleurs, certains individus ne surmontent jamais certains chagrins
amoureux. Il est aussi possible que vous fassiez le deuil de l’être cher alors
même que vous êtes encore dans la relation. Pendant la phase de deuil, le
célibat strict est très recommandé. Notre énergie sexuelle est la plus fine des
énergies dont nous disposons, et vous avez besoin de tourner cette énergie
créative vers l’intérieur pour votre guérison. Si nous écoutons réellement
notre corps pendant un cycle de deuil, nous remarquerons que le corps n’a
aucune envie de dépenser son énergie sexuellement. Seule la tête peut le faire
afin d’éviter de ressentir des émotions difficiles, car cela suit un schéma de
dépendance et de peur de la solitude. Notre tête est un bon serviteur, mais un bien
pauvre maître. La sagesse de notre cœur et de notre corps est beaucoup plus
fiable pour savoir ce qui est le mieux pour nous. Ne précipitez pas votre
processus de deuil.
Je suis intéressé
à en savoir plus sur vos propres histoires de rupture, ce que vous en avez
appris et ce qui a aidé votre processus de deuil. N’hésitez pas à partager vos
histoires et vos questions ci-dessous dans les commentaires.
A couple of years ago, when I fell in love with Teal, I would have given up everything to spend one day with her. My deepest wish was fulfilled and I was not granted one day but one thousand and one. However, unlike Schahriar and Sheherazade who sealed their union for eternity after one thousand and one nights, Teal and I are now separating and taking a different path. Destiny feels cruel when you are asked to leave the woman you love. There is nowhere to go but to the God within us to start healing, and ask for guidance for the rest of our journey here on earth.
As I start mending my broken heart, feelings of gratitude emerge. I never loved anyone as much as Teal and I was never loved by anyone as much as she did. A life without love is not worth living, and for this alone my life mattered. My memories with her will be mine forever and this is teaching me one more time to never take anyone for granted. She is a gorgeous woman but her heart is even more beautiful that her physical appearance. We lived our passion to the fullest during the time we were together. Just looking at her always brought smile to my face as I saw her as the most exquisite thing on this planet. I have gained so much during the 33 months we were together. Actually, these 33 months feel more like 33 years. First, she cracked me open and forced me into my authenticity after living a codependent life. This blessing would however make me lose the woman I love as it surfaced some incompatibilities we were not able to work through. As she could see inside of me, she supported me to get back to optimal health as I lost 30 pounds and I have never felt as healthy as today. I became vegetarian and sensitive to animal cruelty thanks to her. Previously, I had wanted to become vegetarian but was never able to make the transition. I loved her spontaneity, her vibrancy and aliveness. These are qualities I want to develop very much in myself. Teal is remarkably intelligent and she has also an amazing ability to articulate her thoughts in a way that is easily understandable. I learned so much with her in so many aspects of life. I now see and understand the world differently. She always has fun facts about anything. She is an encyclopedia in herself. She helped me transition from a human doing to a human being and reconnect to the important things of life. She actually set me back on my path. I also learned a lot from all of our struggles. Both of us are deeply introspective and that allowed us to gain wisdom from the difficulties we experienced.
Our break-up is so difficult not because we stopped loving each other but because we still love each other though we understand we have to take a different road. During this time of grieving, we are asking every one of you to be sensitive to our pain to make our healing easier. Un-pairing with someone we love deeply is one of most difficult experience in this earthy existence. When we fall in love, the beloved reflects to us the parts of us to develop. She showed me my light, my potential and my capacity to love. Now that my most magnificent mirror is going away, I am only left to actualize these qualities within myself.
We all go through difficult times in love relationships, and we have a tendency to lose sight of the all the exquisite moments we shared together. For this reason, I would like to share many beautiful memories that are still held preciously in my heart.