This blog is published in Wisdow from North
I have fallen in love 6 times in my life. Falling in love feels like a higher state of consciousness where all we care about is spending time with our beloved, where our happiness is her happiness as we would do anything to earn her grace. In that state, time ceases to exist as 10 hours with our lover feels like 2 minutes. Eating, drinking and sleeping are deemed non-important when we are love-intoxicated. It is a very powerful state that can induce fears among the person’s entourage as someone in love appears suddenly so unpredictable. For that reason, psychologists have described this state in less favorable terms as infatuation or limerence, denoting a state of obsession, unreasoned passion or even addiction. In my personal experience, it is a very beautiful state that needs to be cherished, enjoyed thoroughly and extended as long as possible as it is so precious. Reality eventually kicks in, and it always feels too early when it does.
The Universe is very interested in our growth and it knows that there is nothing better than an intimate relationship to boost our self-awareness. So, it baits us with the magnificent feeling of falling in love. When we merge with someone else, we die and we are being reborn. The person we are going to fall madly in love with is the person that has the potential to maximize our inner development. Unfortunately, we all know from our lives that the times when we grew the most may have been the most challenging, and this is true for intimate relationships. I fully subscribe to the Imago theory that was developed by the Hendrix’s. It says that we are attracted to partners that will help us relive and eventually heal the unresolved traumas from childhood. Sometimes partners are able to go through that growth and healing together. However, some other times, one partner may run away from the other and will see the break-up as the most conducive to their healing. It is a matter of individual choice, and it is best to honor the person’s free will rather than pretending we know better by emitting judgments. Nevertheless, breaking up from an intimate partner is one of the most painful experiences of our existence down here, only comparable to the death of a loved one.
Paradoxically, my most difficult break-up was with my first love when I was only 19. I did not make a formal commitment to her such as an engagement. There were no legal or financial complications. We were both very young and our break-up only impacted us emotionally with very little consequences for our friends & family. How is it possible that my break-ups involving children, parents or splitting all of our assets could have felt less difficult to handle? This confirms that our life experience, the healing tools at our disposal, and mature thinking are critical in supporting the grieving process of break-ups. For this reason, I want to share with you what I have learned in this process in hope that it may be helpful to you.
Follow the waves instead of resisting them
The process of uncoupling is brutal because it involves many parts of us: physical, emotional and mental. As we lose this special person in our life, our body may go into shock as we cannot hug them, touch them or cuddle with them anymore, especially if this aspect of the relationship was really fulfilling. We may miss sharing our feelings, the small attentions, feeling loved or their emotional presence. We may miss the long, passionate and intellectually stimulating conversations. It will really depend on the specific relationship dynamics. In any case, this leaves a big void in our life. It is best to acknowledge it and completely feel it rather than denying it. I would like to share a quote that was sent by a friend of mine: “Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.” – Jamie Anderson
People who cannot move on from a relationship are people who cannot grieve because they refuse to feel the pain associated with the loss. Their ego refuses to experience this suffering because it would make it mean that they contributed to the failure of the relationship, that they were flawed, that they were bad, that they are meant to be alone, that they are unlovable, that they deserved to be abandoned, and so on, and so forth. It is all about unhealed attachment traumas. Instead they become negatively obsessed with the former object of love that they used to glorify publicly. They attempt to appear as a victim, forgetting they entered the relationship full heartedly with their freedom of choice. We do not need to be perfect to be loved. To be human is to be imperfect and we make mistakes. I gave all that I had to my important relationships so I hold no regret. Yes, I made mistakes but I did not know better at the time, so there is nothing to dwell on.
After we have broken-up from a partner we loved, the pain will be acute, and the first waves will hit us hard. Last April, after I had just landed in France, if one of my friends would ask me how I was doing, I could not say a word but started shedding tears as the dissolution of the marriage had just started. This was healthy! After getting some sleep and recovering from jet lag, my mind was again in control and I lost touch again with my emotions. I had brought back my heart walls so as not to feel the pain of the break-up. Fortunately, my friend Jacques made me realize that I was getting in the way of my own grieving process. My mind was so afraid to feel out of control that it had started shutting down the feelings of loss. This was unhealthy. Societal expectations are therefore the opposite of what we need for our grieving process. The down waves may take the form of feeling unlovable, isolated, anxious or depressed for example. These emotions have to be experienced fully and somatically (with the body) with no judgment. The big mistake we make in our healing process is to overuse our mind while the body is so much better equipped to release trauma. Crying, shouting, shaking has done more for my healing than all of my analytical processes. Analysis should follow healing from the body and the emotions but not precede it. Fortunately, we have the ability to take advantage of our emotional suffering for healing purposes. So we can always benefit from a difficult and painful situation.
In my personal experience, the up and down waves take on average a week, and the waves’ intensity get lower over time to eventually stabilize back to a normal state. Recently, during one of the down waves, I started feeling very heavy energy. I went to lunch with a friend anyway but the plumber called me just as I was about to order lunch. I had to come back home right away. I realize this was a wake-up call to make the healing process the priority instead of daily activities. We went into the healing room and I started expressing the raw feelings without any filters. In this case, it was about that I felt that people I loved the most saw me as a monster. I let my body purge these emotions, and could come back to the original childhood fragment related to my sister. My parents lacked emotional maturity and did not prepare her well for my venue into this world. She saw me as the newcomer that was stealing from her the small crumbs of love from our parents. She developed hatred towards me that I had to internalize to cope. So I developed self-hatred and I created in my reality situations to reflect that belief. I was able to let go somatically of that belief during this session. I worked on changing that belief during another healing session. Interestingly, at the end of that session, one of my loved ones that is demonizing me called me unexpectedly and we had a nice exchange. I knew then that my inner work was starting to work on the fabric of reality.
If you are getting a divorce, chances are that not all of the relationship was rosy and aspects of it were rather difficult. So the good news is that you will be experiencing up waves too! If your partner was over controlling and possessive, you may feel a sense of exhilaration from your newfound freedom. If your life was drowning in drama, you may feel relieved about experiencing peace and quiet again. If you were constantly criticized and always walked on eggshells, you may enjoy being again in an environment that is both supportive and nurturing. If you did not particularly enjoy your wife’s close friends, you may be happy to be away from them. Use these up waves to your advantage. Make sure to create opportunities for yourself to do the things you could not do when you were in the marriage to fully experience some of the benefits of the break-up. This will make you feel better about the divorce. On my end, I took a month in Europe to reconnect with old friends and family. There was nothing more healing than being surrounded by people who loved me and appreciated me for who I am. Healing is about having the opposite experience. I got inspired by doing things I was not able to do when I was married. This helped me to see the glass half full instead of half empty. Also we can only receive after we empty our cup so let us develop a sense of wonder of what is coming next into our life after the loss of love.
We have been conditioned in this society to do everything on our own. So naturally, when tragedy strikes, we have a tendency to isolate. This is not healthy. We are social creatures and need each other. After breaking up an important relationship, our emotional balance goes off so we should not make things worse by denying our most basic human need to feel supported, loved and cared for. I felt very fortunate that some good-hearted people showed up in my life and kept me company when I needed it the most. Good people naturally want to help especially when their support is appreciated. It feels empowering to them and they are often healing themselves through this process too. The key is to be authentic with your pain and your needs, and you will be surprised by the amount of goodness coming your way.
Real pain versus imaginary pain
As I mentioned before, break-ups are some of the most painful experiences we can go through. However, we can make the process of grieving easier or harder on ourselves with the quality of our thoughts. The feeling of loss is real and takes time to heal. However, there are a lot of other emotions that are not real in the sense that they are fabricated by erroneous thinking. Without the faulty thought, some of the negative emotions would not even exist. This is where our mature inner adult (IA) can help our hurt inner child (IC).
IC: “This person destroyed my life. I will never be able to recover. This person took everything away from me.”
IA: “This was a difficult experience and I chose it out of my free will. There are important lessons to learn from any painful relationship.”
IC: “What’s wrong with me that I cannot have a healthy and nurturing relationship? I am forever doomed. God hates me.”
IA: “I have learned important lessons of this past relationship and I am much better equipped as a result to attract the right type of person into my life. Though it was painful, I see this person as an important teacher. There are often many layers of healing we need to go through to manifest what we truly want.”
IC: “This person has to pay for what he did to me and my children. I will make him pay for the rest of eternity so that he does not hurt anyone like he hurt me.”
IA: “I hope this person can be happy in their future relationships. I am glad I am not in his life anymore so that I can attract a relationship that feels better. If the same pattern appears again in any future relationship, I will know that the problem may be more related to me than him.”
If the inner child is really hurt, it is best for the inner adult to start validating the inner child before sharing his wisdom. For example, in the first situation, this would look like “I feel that this person destroyed my life and took everything away from me. Sometimes I may feel that I will never be able to recover. However, I have been through similar difficult break-ups in the past and I have survived. I actually keep attracting better partners. I can see this was a difficult experience but I chose it out of my free will and no one forced me into it. There are some important lessons I learned from this relationship”. Use your intuition to balance effectively your IC and IA. If you were to let your toddler run the show in your household, things would be quickly out of control and your sweet child would turn into a high-chair tyrant. Meet all the emotional needs of your inner child but do not lose yourself in the process. An important role of the IA is to educate the IC to grow-up. Emotional validation has to come with accountability so that we do not get stuck in a victim role, which is one of the lowest vibrational states.
Keeping contact or not after a break-up?
People who break-up that still love each other will feel very hurt. It is often very difficult for them to stay in contact, and any exchange with the estranged partner may feel like re-traumatization. In an ideal world, especially if there are children involved, it would be best for former partners to stay friendly and on social terms. In my experience, it is however only feasible when the love has faded away for both partners and they have moved on with their respective lives. There is no sense of loss anymore or hard feelings. This can take time. How likely is this when a couple has just broken up? Very unlikely. If one person is not in love anymore but the other person is, then the situation is just as difficult. I am of the opinion that people need to do what is best for their personal healing. However, if children are involved, put the children’s healing first while not succumbing to ex-partner control dramas. I have kept in touch with a couple of the women I have been in love with in the past, and I have found these relationships rewarding. However, it often took years before we were able to reconnect. This should not be forced, as the newly gained friendship would need to be unconditional and away from all the failed expectations of the past. So in most cases, a clean cut in the short-term may be preferable to support the emotional healing of the recently broken up couple.
Gratitude as the ultimate healing tool
By doing important healing work in Europe supported by friends and family, I found the resources to write a blog about the end of the marriage in a way that was genuinely grateful. And this time, I was not bypassing. I could appreciate all the wonderful times and all the gifts that came from the relationship. It was now up to me to create in my life and in myself all the things I previously adored in her. When we are grateful, we cannot be resentful. When we are grateful, we cannot feel like a victim. When we are grateful, we cannot feel revengeful. When we are grateful, we are looking forward to a bright future and we are not lost dwelling on the past. When we are grateful, we do not close ourselves off and on the contrary, we keep our heart open to new possibilities. We should not rush ourselves into this state however. Before we can reach genuine gratitude, all raw emotions of powerlessness, anger, resentment, sadness and loss have to be experienced. And sometimes, we have to go through these emotions multiples times through various cycles. Our emotions need be true, and we should not pretend we are feeling something that we are not. This is a big part of living an authentic life. We need to find the courage to express openly how we feel when we are in a safe environment unconcerned of the good opinions of others
How long does it take to heal from a break-up?
If we are committed to our healing, have a supportive environment, and can rely on a wise IA (Inner Adult), I think one month per year of the relationship is a fair expectation. Otherwise, it may take much longer and actually some people never get over some past relationships. Sometimes the grieving or pulling away will actually start when you are still in the relationship. During the grieving phase, strict celibacy is most recommended. Our sexual energy is the finest energy at our disposal and this energy can be turned inward for healing. This will work marvels and help you shift to a new level. If we genuinely listen to our body during a grieving cycle, we will notice that the body has no desire to expand its energy sexually. Only the mind may do so in order to prevent experiencing difficult emotions as it follows an addictive pattern. Our mind is a good servant but a poor master. Our heart and body wisdom are far more reliable to know what is best for us. Do not rush your grieving process. Slower is often faster.
How about you? I am interested to know more about your own break-up stories, what you learned from them, and what helped your grieving process.
French translation below – Article en Français ci-dessus
Je suis tombé amoureux six fois dans ma vie. Tomber amoureux, c’est comme vivre un état de conscience extatique où tout ce qui nous intéresse est de passer du temps avec l’être aimé, où notre bonheur est son bonheur, et nous ferions n’importe quoi pour mériter sa grâce. Dans cet état, le temps cesse d’exister, et dix heures avec l’être aimé passent si rapidement. Manger, boire et dormir sont relégués au second plan lorsque nous sommes dans cet état d’ébriété amoureuse. Une personne amoureuse suscite des craintes au sein de son entourage, car elle apparaît soudainement imprévisible. Pour cette raison, les psychologues ont décrit cet état amoureux en des termes peu favorables dénotant un état d’obsession, une passion irraisonnée ou même une dépendance. D’après mon expérience personnelle, c’est un très bel état qui doit être chéri, apprécié complètement et rallongé aussi longtemps que possible, car il est si précieux. Le quotidien et la routine reprennent le dessus sur cette passion toujours trop tôt.
Il n’y a rien de mieux qu’une relation intime pour notre croissance intérieure et développer notre conscience personnelle. Les périls sont importants, et la nature nous appâte par ce sentiment magnifique d’être amoureux. Lorsque nous fusionnons avec quelqu’un d’autre, nous mourons et nous renaissons. La personne dont nous allons tomber éperdument amoureux est celle qui a le potentiel de maximiser notre développement intérieur. Malheureusement, nous savons que les moments de notre vie où nous avons grandi le plus ont peut-être aussi été les plus difficiles, et cela est d’autant plus vrai pour les relations intimes. Je souscris pleinement à la théorie Imago développée par Harville Hendrix. Il dit que nous sommes attirés par des partenaires qui nous aideront à revivre et éventuellement à guérir les traumatismes non résolus de notre enfance. Le couple est parfois capable de s’aider mutuellement à revivre ensemble ces traumatismes de l’enfance afin de catalyser leur guérison intérieure. Cependant, bien trop souvent, l’un des partenaires prend peur, abandonne ou considère que la rupture est la condition la plus propice à cette même guérison. C’est une question de choix individuel, et il est préférable de respecter le libre arbitre de la personne plutôt que de prétendre que nous savons mieux qu’elle en émettant des jugements et des critiques. Néanmoins, rompre avec un partenaire intime est l’une des expériences les plus douloureuses de notre existence ici-bas, comparable à la mort d’un être cher.
Paradoxalement, alors que je n’avais que dix-neuf ans, j’ai ressenti la fin de mon premier amour comme la rupture amoureuse la plus difficile que j’ai vécue. Je n’avais pourtant aucun engagement formel, comme des fiançailles. Il n’y avait aucune complication juridique ou financière. Nous étions tous les deux très jeunes, et notre rupture ne nous a touchés que de manière affective, avec très peu de conséquences pour nos amis et notre famille. Comment est-il possible que mes ruptures impliquant des enfants, des parents ou la séparation de tout notre patrimoine aient été moins difficiles à gérer ? Cela confirme que notre expérience de la vie, les outils de guérison à notre disposition et une pensée mature sont essentiels pour la guérison des cœurs brisés. Pour cette raison, je souhaite partager avec vous ce que j’ai appris au cours de ce processus, dans l’espoir que cela puisse vous être utile.
Le processus de découplage est brutal, car il implique de nombreuses parties de nous-mêmes : physique, émotionnelle et mentale. Lorsque nous perdons la personne que nous aimons, notre corps peut être sous le choc du fait que nous ne puissions plus les embrasser, les toucher ou les câliner, surtout si cet aspect de la relation était épanouissant. Il peut être aussi douloureux de ne plus partager nos sentiments ainsi que les petites attentions du quotidien, de ne plus se sentir aimé, et leur absence nous pèse émotionnelle. Les longues conversations passionnées et stimulantes sur le plan intellectuel peuvent aussi nous manquer. Les souffrances de la rupture sont vraiment spécifiques à chaque relation. Cependant, cela nous laisse avec un grand vide dans notre vie. Il est cependant préférable de reconnaître et de ressentir ce manque plutôt que de le nier pour notre guérison. Je voudrais partager avec vous une citation qui m’a été envoyée par un de mes amis : « Le chagrin, c’est de l’amour. C’est de l’amour que vous voulez donner, mais il n’y a plus personne pour le recevoir. Tout cet amour non partagé se rassemble dans les coins de nos yeux, dans le creux de notre gorge et dans cette partie vide de ta poitrine. Le chagrin est un amour qui n’a nulle part où aller. » – Jamie Anderson
Les personnes qui ne peuvent pas guérir et donc faire le deuil d’une rupture amoureuse sont celles qui refusent de ressentir la douleur associée à la perte de l’être cher. Leur ego refuse de vivre cette souffrance, car cela voudrait dire qu’ils son responsable de l’échec du couple, et donc qu’ils étaient défaillants, qu’ils étaient mauvais, qu’ils rendaient l’autre malheureux, qu’ils méritaient d’être abandonnés et ainsi de suite. Il s’agit de traumatismes d’attachement de l’enfance non guéris. Au lieu de cela, ils s’obsèdent à détruire et critiquer cette personne qu’ils glorifiaient auparavant. Ils tentent maintenant d’apparaître comme une victime, oubliant qu’ils sont entrés dans cette relation amoureuse avec leur libre arbitre. Nous n’avons pas besoin d’être parfaits pour être aimés. Être humain, c’est être imparfait, et nous faisons des erreurs. Je me suis donné entièrement aux femmes que j’ai aimées, et je n’ai rien à regretter. Oui, j’ai fait des erreurs, mais j’ai agi au mieux en fonction de mes compréhensions de l’époque. Il n’y a donc pas de quoi s’attarder à refaire le passé.
Après avoir rompu avec un partenaire que nous avons aimé intensément, la douleur est aiguë et les premières vagues de chagrin nous frappent durement. En avril dernier, peu après la rupture avec ma femme, si l’un de mes amis me demandait comment j’allais, je ne pouvais pas dire un mot, mais commençais à verser des larmes. C’était en fait une bonne chose ! Après avoir dormi un peu et récupéré du décalage horaire, ma tête était à nouveau en contrôle et j’ai de nouveau perdu contact avec mes émotions. J’avais à nouveau blindé mon cœur pour ne pas ressentir la douleur de la rupture. Heureusement, mon ami Jacques m’a fait comprendre que je m’opposais à mon propre processus de deuil et donc de guérison émotionnelle. Ma tête avait si peur de perdre le contrôle qu’elle avait commencé à enfouir mon chagrin. C’était malsain. Les attentes de la société reliées à la non-expression des émotions négatives sont donc le contraire de ce dont nous avons besoin pour notre processus de deuil. La perte d’une relation intime peut prendre la forme d’une dépression, d’une lourde solitude, de l’angoisse ou d’une tristesse inconsolable, par exemple. Ces émotions doivent être vécues pleinement et somatiquement (avec le corps) sans jugement. La grande erreur que nous commettons dans notre processus de guérison est de tout résoudre et analyser par la tête alors que le corps est tellement mieux équipé pour libérer un traumatisme. Pleurer, crier, trembler a plus fait pour ma guérison intérieure que tous mes processus analytiques. L’analyse doit suivre la guérison du corps et des émotions, mais pas la précéder. Heureusement, nous avons la capacité d’apprendre de nos souffrances émotionnelles pour devenir des personnes avec plus de sagesse et de compassion. La vie nous donne justice, car nous pouvons heureusement toujours bénéficier d’une situation difficile et douloureuse.
D’après mon expérience personnelle, les vagues montantes et descendantes de souffrance émotionnelle prennent en moyenne une semaine, et l’intensité de celles-ci diminue progressivement avec le temps pour finalement se stabiliser à un état normal. Récemment, pendant l’une des vagues, j’ai commencé à ressentir une énergie très lourde. Malgré cela, je suis allé déjeuner avec un ami, mais le plombier m’a appelé au moment où j’allais faire ma commande. Je devais rentrer à la maison tout de suite. Je me suis rendu compte que cet appel était un signe que je devais mettre en priorité mon processus de guérison plutôt que mes activités quotidiennes. Nous sommes allés dans la pièce de la maison réservée aux guérisons émotionnelles et avec le soutien de mon ami, j’ai commencé à exprimer sans filtre toutes mes émotions négatives. Dans ce cas précis, je ressentais que les personnes que j’aimais le plus dans ma vie me considéraient comme un monstre. J’ai donc laissé mon corps purger ces émotions, et j’ai pu alors revenir au traumatisme initial de mon enfance relié à ma sœur. Mes parents qui manquaient de maturité émotionnelle dû fait de leurs propres traumatismes et ne l’avaient pas bien préparée pour mon entrée dans ce monde. Elle m’a perçu comme un intrus qui lui volait les petites miettes d’amour venant de nos parents. Elle a montré tout de suite une haine envers moi bébé, que j’ai dû intérioriser pour y faire face. J’ai donc développé un dégoût envers moi-même et j’ai manifesté dans ma vie des situations pour incarner cette croyance. J’ai heureusement pu abandonner somatiquement cette opinion négative grâce à deux séances de guérison. Fait intéressant, à la fin de la deuxième session, un de mes proches qui me diabolisait m’a appelé de façon inattendue et nous avons eu un bon échange. Je savais alors que mon travail intérieur commençait à travailler sur le tissu de la réalité.
Si vous divorcez, il est probable que la relation n’était pas toute rose et que certains aspects étaient plutôt difficiles. La bonne nouvelle est donc que vous ferez également l’expérience de vagues émotionnelles montantes et joyeuses également ! Si votre partenaire vous traitait de manière trop possessive et contrôlante, vous ressentirez peut-être un sentiment d’exaltation relié votre nouvelle liberté. Si votre vie était submergée de drames constants, vous serez alors soulagé de retrouver la paix et la tranquillité. Si vous étiez constamment critiqué et que vous marchiez toujours sur des œufs, vous apprécierez d’être à nouveau dans un environnement à la fois positif et encourageant. Si vous n’appréciiez pas les amis proches de votre partenaire, vous serez alors heureux de vous en éloigner. Utilisez ces vagues ascendantes à votre avantage. Assurez-vous de faire à présent les choses qui n’étaient pas possibles pendant le mariage afin de profiter pleinement des avantages de la rupture. Cela vous permettra de mieux vivre le divorce et de voir le verre à moitié plein au lieu de celui qui est à moitié vide. De mon côté, j’ai pris un mois de vacances en Europe afin de renouer le contact avec d’anciens amis et ma famille. Il n’y avait rien de plus apaisant que d’être entouré de gens qui m’aimaient et qui m’appréciaient pour qui je suis. Guérir, c’est vivre l’expérience inverse du traumatisme. Selon la sagesse bouddhiste, nous ne pouvons recevoir qu’après avoir vidé notre tasse, alors laissez-vous remplir d’un sens d’anticipation et d’émerveillement de ce qui va arriver dans notre vie après la perte de l’amour.
Solliciter de l’aide
Nous avons été conditionnés par la société à tout faire par nous-mêmes. Alors, naturellement, lorsque nous sommes blessés, nous avons tendance à nous isoler. Ce n’est pas sain. Nous sommes des créatures sociales et avons besoin les uns des autres. Après la rupture d’une relation intime importante, notre équilibre émotionnel se dégrade, nous ne devons donc pas aggraver la situation en niant notre besoin humain le plus élémentaire de se sentir soutenu, aimé et pris en charge. J’étais très chanceux que de bons amis et des personnes aimantes me tiennent compagnie quand j’en avais le plus besoin. Il est naturel pour la plupart d’entre nous d’aider son prochain surtout quand notre soutien est apprécié. Cela nous donne une image positive de nous-même, et aider l’autre, c’est aussi souvent se guérir soi-même. Le plus important, c’est d’être authentique dans l’expression de votre douleur et de vos besoins, et vous serez alors surpris de toute la bonté venant vers vous.
Douleur réelle et douleur imaginaire
Comme je l’ai déjà mentionné, les ruptures sont parmi les expériences les plus douloureuses que nous puissions vivre. Cependant, nous pouvons rendre ce processus de deuil plus ou moins facile grâce à la qualité de nos pensées. Le sentiment de perte de l’être aimé est réel et cela prend du temps à guérir. Cependant, beaucoup d’autres émotions n’ont pas vraiment lieu d’être dans la mesure où elles sont fabriquées par une pensée erronée. C’est là que notre adulte intérieur(AI) peut aider notre enfant intérieur (EI) blessé.
EI : « Cette personne a détruit ma vie. Je ne pourrai jamais m’en remettre. Cette personne m’a détruite. »
AI : « Ce fut une expérience difficile, mais je l’ai choisie de mon plein gré. Il y a d’importantes leçons à tirer de toute relation douloureuse. »
EI : « Qu’est-ce qui ne va pas chez moi, je ne peux pas avoir une relation saine et enrichissante ? Je suis maudite à jamais et je serai seule pour le reste de mes jours. »
AI : « J’ai appris d’importantes leçons de cette relation passée et je suis beaucoup mieux équipée pour attirer le bon type d’homme dans ma vie à présent. Bien que cela ait été douloureux, je considère cette personne comme quelqu’un qui m’a beaucoup apporté. Je sais maintenant beaucoup mieux ce que je recherche chez un homme et ce dont je ne veux plus. »
EI : « Cet homme doit payer pour tout le mal qu’il a fait à moi et à mes enfants. Je vais le faire souffrir pour le reste de l’éternité pour qu’il comprenne. »
AI : « J’espère que cette femme pourra être heureuse dans ses relations futures. Je suis heureux de ne plus être dans sa vie, car il y avait beaucoup trop de conflits, et je peux maintenant attirer à moi une relation qui me convient bien mieux. Si le même schéma réapparaît dans toute relation future, je saurai alors que le problème vient de moi et non d’elle. »
Si l’enfant intérieur est blessé, il est préférable que l’adulte intérieur commence à valider l’enfant intérieur avant de partager sa sagesse. Par exemple, dans la première situation, cela ressemblerait à ceci : « Je sens que cette personne a détruit ma vie et m’a tout pris. Parfois, je m’égare à penser que je ne pourrai jamais me rétablir psychologiquement. Cependant, j’ai vécu des difficultés similaires dans le passé et j’ai survécu. En fait, je continue d’attirer de meilleurs compagnons. Je peux voir que ce fut une expérience difficile, mais je l’ai choisie de mon plein gré et personne ne m’y a forcée. J’ai appris quelques leçons importantes de cette relation. » Utilisez votre intuition pour communiquer harmonieusement avec votre EI et votre AI. Si vous laissiez votre bambin tout diriger chez vous, cela tournerait rapidement au souk, et votre doux enfant deviendrait un tyran en landau. Écoutez patiemment tous les besoins émotionnels de votre enfant intérieur, mais ne vous oubliez pas dans ce processus. L’un des rôles importants de l’AI consiste à éduquer l’EI pour qu’il grandisse. La validation émotionnelle doit aller de pair avec la responsabilité afin que nous ne restions pas coincés dans un rôle de victime, qui est l’un des états vibratoires les plus bas.
Rester en contact ou non après une rupture ?
Les personnes qui se séparent, mais qui s’aiment encore seront très blessées. Il est souvent très difficile pour eux de rester en contact, et tout échange avec l’ex-partenaire peut être ressenti comme un nouveau traumatisme. Dans un monde idéal, en particulier s’il y a des enfants, il serait préférable que les anciens partenaires restent courtois. D’après mon expérience, cela n’est toutefois possible que lorsque l’amour du couple n’est plus là et que chacun a tourné la page. Il n’y a alors plus de sentiment de manque ou de rancœur. Cela peut prendre du temps. Quelle est la probabilité que cela se produise lorsqu’un couple vient de se séparer ? C’est très improbable. Si une personne n’est plus amoureuse, mais que l’autre personne l’est, la situation est tout aussi difficile. Je suis d’avis que les gens doivent faire ce qu’il y a de mieux pour leur guérison personnelle. Toutefois, si des enfants sont impliqués, accordez la priorité à la santé émotionnelle des enfants sans céder aux drames et au contrôle de votre ex-partenaire. Je suis resté en contact avec quelques-unes des femmes que j’ai aimées par le passé, et j’ai trouvé ces relations enrichissantes. Cependant, il a souvent fallu des années avant de pouvoir créer une amitié après la fin de l’histoire d’amour. Cela ne peut être forcé, car l’amitié nouvellement acquise doit être inconditionnelle et éloignée de toutes les déceptions de la relation passée. Donc, dans la plupart des cas, une coupure nette est préférable à court terme pour permettre la guérison émotionnelle du couple récemment éclaté.
La gratitude comme outil de guérison ultime
En effectuant un important travail de guérison en Europe grâce au soutien de mes amis et de ma famille, j’ai trouvé les ressources nécessaires pour écrire un blog afin d’annoncer notre divorce d’une manière réellement reconnaissante en pensant à tous les bienfaits et les moment merveilleux qui ont accompagnés notre relation. Et je ne faisais pas la politique de l’autruche. C’était maintenant à moi de créer dans ma vie et en moi tout ce que j’avais adoré auparavant chez elle. Lorsque nous sommes reconnaissants, nous ne pouvons pas être en colère. Lorsque nous sommes reconnaissants, nous ne pouvons pas nous sentir victimes. Lorsque nous sommes reconnaissants, nous ne pouvons pas nous venger. Lorsque nous sommes reconnaissants, un avenir radieux nous attend et nous arrêtons de vivre dans le passé. Lorsque nous sommes reconnaissants, nous ne nous fermons pas et au contraire, nous gardons notre cœur ouvert à de nouvelles possibilités. Cependant, nous ne devons pas précipiter le processus de deuil en soi. Avant que nous puissions atteindre une véritable gratitude, nous devons faire l’expérience de toutes les émotions crues d’impuissance, de colère, de rancœur, de tristesse et de manque. Et souvent, nous devons vivre ces émotions négatives plusieurs fois au cours de différents cycles. Nos émotions doivent être authentiques et nous ne devons pas prétendre ressentir quelque chose que nous ne ressentons pas. C’est cela que de vivre une vie authentique. Nous devons trouver le courage d’exprimer ouvertement ce que nous ressentons lorsque nous nous sentons en sécurité sans se soucier de l’opinion d’autrui.
Combien de temps faut-il pour guérir d’une rupture ?
Si nous voulons vraiment guérir, si nous vivons dans un milieu sain et si nous pouvons compter sur un adulte intérieur qui a de la sagesse, je pense qu’un mois par année de la relation est un délai raisonnable. Toutefois, cela peut prendre parfois beaucoup plus de temps et d’ailleurs, certains individus ne surmontent jamais certains chagrins amoureux. Il est aussi possible que vous fassiez le deuil de l’être cher alors même que vous êtes encore dans la relation. Pendant la phase de deuil, le célibat strict est très recommandé. Notre énergie sexuelle est la plus fine des énergies dont nous disposons, et vous avez besoin de tourner cette énergie créative vers l’intérieur pour votre guérison. Si nous écoutons réellement notre corps pendant un cycle de deuil, nous remarquerons que le corps n’a aucune envie de dépenser son énergie sexuellement. Seule la tête peut le faire afin d’éviter de ressentir des émotions difficiles, car cela suit un schéma de dépendance et de peur de la solitude. Notre tête est un bon serviteur, mais un bien pauvre maître. La sagesse de notre cœur et de notre corps est beaucoup plus fiable pour savoir ce qui est le mieux pour nous. Ne précipitez pas votre processus de deuil.
Je suis intéressé à en savoir plus sur vos propres histoires de rupture, ce que vous en avez appris et ce qui a aidé votre processus de deuil. N’hésitez pas à partager vos histoires et vos questions ci-dessous dans les commentaires.
It has become clear to me that the events of the past couple of years were meant to get me to step into my authenticity. Most of us are suffering from attachment traumas because our caregivers were not able to give us the unconditional love, reflection, emotional support, attention and availability that we needed to develop into emotionally secure human being. Why? Simply because they suffered the same traumas, and what is not healed is passed on to the next generation. These attachment traumas convert into the belief that something is wrong with us and that we are not lovable (core shame). As a result, we create masks in order to get the love that we desperately need. I have seen this subconscious pattern clearly in my love relationships over a 20-year period. The enmeshment trauma with my mum combined with the absence of my dad has created the unconscious belief that I can only be loved for what I do, the role I play and not for who I am. In this configuration, to be needed is to be loved while too much neediness is putting my inner child in a panic as it reminds this immature self of the pressure it could not handle. So here is my pattern. I fall in love with a woman, and I seduce her by projecting the image of the type of man that she wants. One was in an abusive relationship, so I became her savior. Another one was in deep spiritual search, so I became a spiritual guide. Another one was in search of financial security and status so I became a provider, a successful executive or a vice-consul. Another one needed constant external emotional regulation so I became a full-time caretaker. The trick worked in getting the woman I fell for, but there are consequences. As time passes, my partner gets to see the other parts of me and feels duped. By that time, she is however attached and committed to make the relationship work, especially as she struggles with her own abandonment traumas. Frequent arguments and constant drama are the mark of such relationships as my partner is in love with someone she is incompatible with. Her whole focus becomes about fixing me to become the person I was when I was courting her. This triggers my shame and I respond by pointing her own flaws, which triggers in turn her own shame. In my attempts to get my love relationship to work, I developed impressive skills in holding a container for someone I am not compatible with. This is truly exhausting. Stepping into authenticity, being completely open about who I am with the belief that I am lovable the way I am, is the better alternative.
To be authentic, we first have to know who we are. I am a Gemini man who is known to be the most complex sign of the zodiac. To make the matter harder, this is also a mutable sign. Now that I am in my 40s, I feel I can better define the core of who I am, and I am going to make my best attempt to describe it. I invite every one of you to do the same exercise.
Who am I?
I am curious, smart, adventurous, responsible, positive, high-energy, a free spirit, driven, loyal, flexible, resilient, complex, eccentric, daring, resourceful, spiritual, creative, perseverant, intense, self-reliant and introspective. I am a spiritual warrior, a magician, a lover and a leader. On the negative, I can be stubborn, willful and uncompromising when I have made up my mind. I am afraid of boredom. I have several splits: warm, loving and generous vs cold-hearted, kind & sweet vs insensitive, very social vs solitary, deeply intimate vs emotionally unavailable. I do not smoke, rarely drink, do not drink coffee, never take medication unless seriously sick, I am a vegetarian and believe in a healthy lifestyle. I value financial security and believe in living within your means. I believe in fairness, justice and reciprocity.
I love women and I am a sexual being. I love physical touch but I love connecting just as much through deep, introspective and interesting conversations. Sex is only appealing to me when it comes with a love connection. I love to love and to feel loved. I am very cuddly as I go to sleep and wake up in the morning but I will pull away in my sleep during the night. I love women who have embraced their darkness, sexuality and authenticity but can also be kind, motherly and protective. I love their purity of heart, spontaneity and sensitivity. I am into witches and artists. I am slightly love avoidant so I need someone who has the capacity to handle my coming and going with minimum anxiety. I am an alpha and I do not mind sharing the lead with a powerful woman as long as there is respect, reciprocity and no double standard. I enjoy nurturing from women tremendously. I like to be needed but not smothered. The times I have been the happiest in my life have been in an intimate relationship so love relationships are very important to me.
In friendship, I am loyal and I rely on my personal interactions with a person rather than other people’s opinions. I like people who are vulnerable, authentic and share their feelings openly. I prefer one-on-ones to group interactions, as I like to go deep. I like kind, complex and secure individuals where silence is just as comfortable as conversation. The security to care for each other in difficult times is important to me.
I love my teenage children, want to earn back their love to reconnect with them.
I am comfortable around crowds and I am expert at networking though I prefer more intimate gatherings.
I am an entrepreneur and a problem solver. I love starting new ventures from scratch. I need to use my mental capacities to make a difference in people’s lives. I enjoy financial independence through real estate or business. I like stretching myself and taking risk. I need an interesting career project that is outside my relationship. I like to have control over my own time. I love working from inspiration. I transform the suffering I went through, to help others going through the same ordeal using my life experience. I like philanthropic work especially for more difficult environments such as jail, hospice, orphanage, parental alienation and ritual abuse. I love that feeling to know I have made a difference in someone’s life. I want to be liked and respected in the community for my contribution. I need significance, not only vicariously by association but also for my own contribution. I like teaching, and having a leadership role.
My favorite sport is tennis and I like playing it competitively. I enjoy skiing, scuba diving, biking, hiking, camping, going to the gym and running. Though I love going to the beach, I enjoy the mountains even more. I like watching movies that are meaningful, documentaries and French movies. I like going out to restaurants and performances with my loved ones. My favorite music is transcendental, 80s pop, French and classical. I like a nice comfortable & beautiful home. I like community living for the emotional support, company, and convenience but I need to have enough one-on-one time with my beloved. I love traveling and exploring new exotic places. I like inviting people over for dinner and company. I enjoy cooking food for others as long as it is not everyday and an expectation. I like organizing weekend get-outs and vacation for my loved ones. I love the outdoors.
Meaning is important to me. I want the feeling that I have an impact and that my life is meaningful. I want a purposeful life that improves the quality of many lives. I want to live a heart-centered life. I want to awaken my subtle senses and feel so much more about life, people, animals and plants. I want to be healthy, be physically active and pain free. I like to do process work with people, to bring them to a space of new realizations and change their lives. I like process work too when I am able to get new release or understanding. I believe in balance, and in a life with eyes on the sky with feet planted solidly on the ground. I enjoy shamanic work, and accessing higher awareness to improve my life. I enjoy writing about my inner life and new understanding. My life is driven by the pursuit of happiness which is best achieved by living a heart-centered life that translates into sharing love and caring for each other, a deep connection with our Creator, simplicity, abundance and contemplation.
What a freedom and liberation to be open about who we truly are! No more need for manipulation. We stop sending mixed signals. People can decide on their own if we are the type of person they would like to know better. We prefer being alone (but not lonely) than to spend time with incompatible people. Despite all our personal flaws, we still believe we are lovable just the way we are. We create a life that feels good because it is full of the people and the things we love. We become trustworthy as we connect deeper to our core. We empower ourselves to attract into our life what we value most. Our inner peace is less disturbed by external situations, obstacles and tragedies.
Come play with me and take some time to share with the rest of us who you are too!
Yesterday, we went hiking with the family and visited an aviary with birds from all over the world. I had decided to organize some fun family time as I understood how important is “together time” for Winter, Teal and our extended family. Teal and I travel often and I have many activities and responsibilities that occupy my time and I recognized I was not present enough to my stepson and members of the extended community such as Graciela. As we were about to start on our day trip, Winter started to act out and refused to come. A couple of years ago, if it had been my children, I will have raised my voice and coerced them into getting into the car, shutting their feelings as I felt I knew better what was right for them. Fortunately, Teal knows better and she took the time to engage a dialog with her son. She got him to a point to express his discomfort. And as we were driving to the mountain, he started to give us to our awe a remarkable speech on the power of the attachment theory with the words of a 7 year old. He expressed how his heart was starting to feel distrust as people acting as nannies would come in and out of his life. He felt very connected to a community member that last year for a variety of reason had to leave us temporarily and as a result he is now feeling a resistance to get close again to new caretakers as he feels they would leave and the pain of separation would be too great to handle. He explained in a remarkably clear way for a 7 year old what he needed to feel very close to this individual again. She felt so moved by his words that she started shedding tears. I used this opportunity to ask Winter about our own personal connection and with his hands, he showed me the separation between him and I which was significant. He basically said that I was around but not really there. His statement moved me deeply too. He is right that I am not really present to him as a stepdad as I have not made it a priority and often find myself delegating his caretaking to other members of the community. We talked and we decided together to spend at least once a week some time just the two of us so that we can truly connect and feel closer to one another.
As we drove back in the evening, I told Teal that I felt a heavy heart and would love to do a process with her on it, before working on the computer. I had pain in my upper neck, which was an indication I was repressing emotions. Teal helped me work through some triggers and did some body work on me. Her hands are truly magical as her extra sensory gifts showed her visually the stuck energy in my body. At that point, she felt I was ready for an authentic talk. She confronted me that while we spent the day together, she felt I was not really engaged and present with the rest of them. It was hard to hear at first as I had organized the full day to make it fun for everyone, and it felt like all of us had a good time. I reviewed then the day in my mind and could see her perspective. I had spent the day a lot in my own mind. I did not make particular efforts to engage with anyone. I found myself a couple of times alone during the activities as I was either before or behind our small group. I asked to read my book in the car instead of going to the store shopping for clothes for Winter. I started to feel bad. I tried to do the right thing by organizing a fun family day but I had failed. I had been physically present but not emotional present to the family. As a result, my wife was actually starving of connection after a day dedicated to spending time together as a family! I pushed my projects aside that evening and made sure all my attention and focus would be on her and us.
Teal was right. I was acting as a human doing and not a human being, and I was making them feel while I was with them that I did not want to be there and that I would rather work on my projects. I became conscious that I had the same pattern with my previous family. I would go on hikes, often leading the way in the front of everyone, not curious about my children inner world, feelings, endeavors, content with a shallow connection while this would our only day off in a busy Silicon Valley work week. Shortly after Alina and I separated, I tried to make the time spent with my children special, and I would organize special trips, time with friends or activities during the time I had them. They however complained to me that what they really wanted was to connect to me instead of always being distracted. I felt unappreciated as I felt I was really trying to make our time together special. I was making them feel that they were not enough by themselves for themselves and that I had to always add more stimulation to make the time spent with them acceptable. This was not my conscious intent. This was more my own projection. I felt subconsciously I was not good enough that they would enjoy spending time with me without additional entertainment. People around me often feel that I would rather do something else than truly being and connecting with them. Despite my 25 years on the spiritual path, I felt disabled in my connection abilities. I was feeling powerless to create the very feelings in myself and others that are so important to me.
As I went deeper into my process with the support of Teal, I realized the trauma was coming from dad side. His mother would rarely visit him when he was a child. He subconsciously felt she would rather not be with him as she felt shame for the relationship that had given birth to him. Their infrequent meeting was more a painful reminder that there was something wrong and bad with him. My grandmother always lived in her own world too and always had difficulty connecting with family members at a deeper level while appearing as a socialite to the outside world. She had a sister called Tati Jojo who was very kind to us, and we developed a much deeper relationship with her, and this created some jealousy on my grandmother side as she could not understand why my sister and I felt closer to Tati Jojo than her as she was not aware of her relating pattern. We are dealing here with generational trauma. My grandmother mother died when she was 11. Her father quickly remarried. The new wife did not like her and her sister. They were kicked out of the house and had to start working at the post office in their early teens to sustain themselves. Then, 50 years later, my parents divorced when I was 10. My sister and I stayed initially with my father but because of the insecurity of my stepmother and the codependency of my father, I was sent back to be with my mother while I had asked my dad to stay with him. Again, I felt powerless not to repeat the same pattern. My son was 11 when Alina and I separated. While I did everything on my end to fight for an integrated family structure after the divorce, my children were taught to hate my new wife while they never met her, and from their perspective, they felt abandoned by a dad that would choose another woman over them. Any family trauma that is not healed, repeats from generation to generation, often in a tragic way.
After my parents divorced, some of the most painful time I experienced was the time spent with my father. During that time, I felt invisible. Though the times we would spend together were rare, he was not emotionally present to me. It felt like he would rather do something else and be somewhere else. I felt non-existent, small and unworthy of love. He often had hurtful comments or clumsy gifts that made me feel worse about myself. From his perspective, he felt he was making efforts trying to be a good father while still acting from his hurt inner child not very differently to what I am doing today with my closed ones. I understand that he often thinks of me and believes he loves me however his actions more often than not send a different message. He is not an abusive man. He is actually doing what he can but because of his own upbringing, he has incapacity to connect and make other people feel special because deep inside, he feels very unworthy. And I have to accept that he is a mirror of me. My father would often tell me that he and his parents were proud of my school results. As a result, I felt I could only be valued for my successes and external accomplishment not for who I am. I learned that people did not have a real desire to connect to me. I always strived to be the best at school so that I would have a chance to be loved. I became a human doing, and experienced for most of my adulthood relationships that were conditional in nature as a result.
Then Teal brought me to a visualization of the type of father that I really wanted as a child. This father would be fully present to me, he would be a teacher full of wisdom about life and relationships. When we would interact, he would focus and empathically listen to me, he would show concern, have the sincere desire to know me deep inside. He would be excited to spend time with me. I would always be on his mind. He would show small gestures of love making me feel important. He would act as a protector when necessary and always be available for me when I need it. He would encourage me, help me overcome my fears, have a sympathetic ear, and show both strength and vulnerability. As I contemplate who my inner child really wanted as a father, I come to realize the brutal truth that in my present life, I often act more like my father than being the man my inner child has been starving for. From this painful awareness, I feel a sincere desire to change. I understand that to truly heal my life, my relationships, it is time to give my inner child what I always wanted and give it to the closest people of my life. For you Winter, I want you to feel that I enjoy spending time and connecting with you, that you are important to me, that I will be careful with your heart and not pull away, that I am interested to understand and see the unique being that you are. For you Teal, I want you to feel that I would rather be with you than doing anything else in the world, that you are my top priority. I want to make you feel safe, cared for, cherished and adored. I want you to feel that I am an expert of you and always care about your best interest. I want to be your anchor, strength and stability even during the storms of life. I want to share the same qualities to my extended family. As I heal, I sincerely hope that my own children will feel the call of my heart and will consider reconnecting with me as they feel I could improve their lives and support them authentically instead of being a liability.
I remember that in the past I have tried to bring these higher masculine qualities however I am now realizing that I attempted to do so while repressing my inner child. Now, I am committed to bring these qualities within me while staying present to my inner child. My man self not only need to take care of my loved ones but also to my hurt little boy, as he is being reflected externally. This is why relationships are such an accelerated track for expansion. And by living a life with the spiritual catalyst, all my shadows appear clearly and there is nowhere to hide as everything is reflected and amplified.
In my life, I have been a human doing more than a human being and it is not a surprise I spent 20 years in the Silicon Valley where a regular work week is 70 hours without counting the side projects to get ahead. As a human doing, how we feel about ourselves is only connected to our accomplishments. We received compliments as a child only when we achieved something special externally. This is true to me and also to Teal’s childhood. This style of parenting is very common and well regarded in society. While it is better than emotional neglect, most people do not realize the amount of damage done by this parenting style. To be worthy of love, children learn to behave a certain way and accomplish certain results otherwise love is removed. They learn they do not have an intrinsic value. Unfortunately, everyone knows that the satisfaction derived by accomplishments is always short lived. When I was 20, after I entered one of the top engineering schools of France after national competitive exams, my joy only lasted a couple of weeks and quickly turn into depression as I lost the escape mechanism for my own inner void and childhood trauma. Teal told me yesterday that a happy wife will mean much more to me than any of my accomplishments in terms of personal happiness. She is so right. As we grow older, our joy comes more and more from simple pleasure of connecting and relating instead of our past achievements. As a human doing, we develop an addiction to cross as many items from our list in order to feel fulfilled for the day instead of feeling how we have impacted each other lives for the better. As a human doing, failure to perform means worthlessness and that we are undeserving of love.
I can see how this pattern has affected most of my relationships. Every time I have fallen in love, the first couple of months are heavenly. There is no time, just the pleasure to connect with one another. A day feels like a couple of minutes. Then the intensity of the infatuation subsides, and a covert subconscious belief comes in. It makes me feel that unless I am able to have achievements, she will leave me because I am not good enough on my own. So I pull away to focus on my activities in order keep the love I cannot afford to lose. By pulling away, I bring dissatisfaction to my mate that starts pulling away to protect herself emotionally and my very fear of the lost love becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. She feels abandoned, not good enough for who she is and her own insecurity is brought up. She feels unloved and unworthy at her turn. Inevitably, she detaches to make me feel the way I make her feel and the relationship becomes rocky. I become alone in my accomplishments and do not understand why love is going away while I am working so hard, and do so much for my wife and the family. This is the tragedy of the human doing.
Instead, by focusing on our children feelings, values, efforts, how they treat other people, we show them we truly care for who they are, and not only have concerns about their results. Let’s leave that for the corporate world. Transactional relationships may be OK for the business world however they are toxic for family relationships as we need to instill unconditional love to our children to create the new earth. We will then raise children with less fear of failure that are free to experiment and discover their unique gifts, as their self-esteem is not in danger when they do not perform according expectation. We may fear that this attitude may make them under achievers however by doing so, we focus on the very underlying conditions of success and we make them connect to their individual talent derived directly from their inner child. Movement, spontaneity and creativity are natural in children, not apathy. Inactivity and aloofness are the mark of trauma not of a healthy emotional upbringing. Our children can achieve success in two different ways. One will be a direct expression of their being, happiness and creativity, and will often translate in fulfilling and meaningful careers. Other will achieve success at the price of intense inner struggles, coping mechanisms, misery along the way often followed by a crash, realizing later in life that they hate their job and their lives. They will often fool people on the outside as everyone think they are successful. These two categories of success can be observed in all walks of life, especially with top athletes. The human doing is the personality than has repressed the human being or the inner child, the seat of the soul with all its creative, expressive and intuitive abilities. Our human doing has done enough damage shutting down our inner child. It is time to have our human doing serve our human being for a truly meaningful and satisfying life.
Do you want to be a human doing or a human being? What do you want your children to become?