Narcissism, rooted in the Greek myth of Narcissus, refers to a psychological trait characterized by excessive self-admiration, a grandiose sense of self-importance, and a constant craving for attention and admiration from others. It involves a preoccupation with one’s own achievements, talents, and appearance, often accompanied by a lack of empathy for others. Narcissism can have a profound negative impact on both personal and interpersonal levels. Individuals with pronounced narcissistic traits tend to prioritize their own needs and desires above those of others, leading to difficulties in forming and maintaining meaningful relationships. Their inflated sense of self-importance can create a sense of entitlement, making it challenging for them to truly connect with others or consider their perspectives. This self-centered focus can also result in a lack of empathy, causing emotional and relational distance, and hindering the development of healthy and fulfilling connections. Ultimately, narcissism can impede personal growth, hinder authentic connections, and generate a cycle of discontentment and dissatisfaction.

This definition encompasses the most apparent form of narcissism, known as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). However, if we broaden our understanding of narcissism as an inherent inability to genuinely connect with others due to being excessively absorbed in our own self-centered bubble, we can identify various other groups of individuals who exhibit narcissistic traits.

For example, in a codependent relationship, one person tends to prioritize the needs and desires of the other to an excessive and unhealthy degree, often at the expense of their own well-being. This can lead to an imbalance in the relationship dynamics, with one person assuming a more caretaking or enabling role. In some cases, the person who exhibits codependent behaviors may also display narcissistic traits. This can manifest as a need for control, manipulation, or an inflated sense of self-importance within the context of the codependent relationship. This form of codependency with narcissistic tendencies can create a dynamic where one person seeks validation and attention from the other while maintaining a sense of control over the relationship.

Actually, most of us display some forms of narcissistic traits when we are triggered by specific individuals or events. These triggers often stem from unresolved past traumas that continue to impact us. While individuals diagnosed with NPD or codependency represent the extreme end of the spectrum, it is important to acknowledge that all of us can display some of these behaviors when we are experiencing emotional distress or unwell. It is a sincere recognition that our behaviors may temporarily align with narcissistic tendencies during such periods.

In the early stages of child development, particularly during the formative years, it is important for a child to experience a sense of being the center of the world to develop a healthy ego. This process is essential for their overall psychological and emotional growth. Here are a few reasons why this is important:

Building Self-Identity: During early childhood, children are in the process of forming their sense of self. By experiencing themselves as the center of their world, they develop a foundation for their self-identity. This allows them to understand and differentiate themselves from others, fostering a healthy sense of individuality.
Autonomy and Independence: Feeling self-important and focused on oneself enables children to develop a sense of autonomy and independence. It encourages them to explore their environment, express their needs and desires, and develop a sense of agency. This fosters their emotional and cognitive development, as they learn to navigate the world around them.
Emotional Security: When young children feel that they are the center of attention and receive nurturing and responsive care, they develop a sense of emotional security. This lays the groundwork for healthy emotional development, trust, and the ability to form secure attachments with others.
Healthy Boundaries and Self-Care: By initially focusing on themselves, children learn about their own needs and preferences. This understanding helps them establish healthy boundaries and develop self-care practices. As they grow, they gradually learn to balance their own needs with the needs of others, fostering healthy relationships and empathy.
Developing Confidence: Feeling self-important and valued helps children develop confidence and a positive self-image. It provides a sense of worthiness, encouraging them to explore their abilities and take on new challenges with resilience and determination.

Healthy narcissism is crucial for a child’s development. For instance, a one-year-old baby’s healthy narcissism is evident when they vocalize their needs by crying to have their parents attend to their physical requirements, such as feeding. Similarly, during the stage commonly known as the “terrible twos,” toddlers exhibit a healthy narcissism through behaviors like tantrums, defiance, and newfound assertiveness, as they explore their growing sense of autonomy and independence.

Regrettably, during this critical developmental period, children are often hindered from expressing this necessary narcissism in a healthy manner. Many of us experienced neglect, absence, disconnection, conditional love, abuse, anger, unsafety, manipulation, or lack of care due to our parents’ own limitations and traumas. It is not about blaming parents; they did their best given their own level of development and understanding. It is a reality that reaching adulthood without some form of trauma is near impossible. If we embrace the concept of the soul’s journey, we may even consider that we intentionally chose our parents, specifically for the challenges they presented (the blueprint of the soul), as an opportunity to work on our karma and evolve as incarnated souls.

As we experience childhood traumas, our inner child can become stuck and cease to develop. Consequently, while our physical body may mature into adulthood, certain aspects of our being may remain akin to a needy Cry-Baby or an angry two-year-old toddler. When triggered, this part of us may manifest through rants and temper tantrums, causing disruption to our environment. We have all witnessed such inappropriate behaviors that appear irrational, crazy, or immature. However, if we observe the same behavior in a young child, it becomes amusing and inconsequential. The person exhibiting these behaviors is not inherently bad; rather, a young aspect of their self momentarily takes over their personality. Unfortunately, this can lead to significant damage and negatively impact their life or career, such as Will Smith smacking Chris Rock at the Oscars. In healthy childhood development, children gradually learn to consider others’ perspectives, develop empathy, and navigate social interactions. However, due to trauma, certain aspects of ourselves remain stuck in earlier developmental stages characterized by narcissistic tendencies. Consequently, an adult displaying narcissistic traits often reflects someone who was not allowed to express healthy narcissism during childhood. A friend once advised me to care for my children during their early years to prevent significant issues during their teenage years. This advice proved to be remarkably accurate. Investing in our children’s well-being during infancy is crucial for fostering responsible and compassionate young adults. It is vital not to dismiss our children, attentively observe their emotions, aid them in regulating those emotions, and derive appropriate meaning from their experiences. Adults must create a safe environment for young children to exhibit self-centered behaviors appropriate for their age. Therefore, one of the worst things a parent can do is to make a child feel guilty for being selfish. This dynamic can lead to the child being prematurely burdened with parental responsibilities and subsequently displaying narcissistic behaviors later in life. This scenario often occurs in large families where older siblings are expected to assume parental roles while still children themselves. Because embracing their children’s self-centeredness may be challenging for parents, nature has made babies, toddlers, and young kids “cute”. Our brains are wired to exhibit greater patience and tolerance towards individuals with a high degree of “cuteness” so as to help us support this most difficult part of our children’s development.

Now, the crucial question arises: What should we do with the aspects of ourselves that have halted development due to trauma and are currently trapped in immature stages?

Healing involves providing our trapped inner children with the opposite experiences they lacked. To resume their growth, they require care, a sense of being valued, dedicated attention, tenderness, and kindness—experiences that may have been absent in their early lives. It is common for many of us to seek intimate relationships for this reason, which often leads to disastrous outcomes. Instead of seeking a life partner to grow and share joyful moments with, and to contribute to each other’s happiness, we unconsciously seek a partner who resembles one of our parents. We hope this partner will provide the emotional nurturing that our original parent may have failed to give us. However, this pattern tends to perpetuate the same cycle of trauma and pain over and over again. Since love is instinctively associated with survival for a child, it explains why we can exhibit destructive or hateful behaviors towards someone we once considered our life partner as the relationship ends, rather than moving peacefully into conscious uncoupling.

Indeed, our blocked inner child requires an experience of healthy narcissism to resume its growth. However, instead of unconsciously demanding it from a romantic partner, a more effective approach involves working with a skilled therapist or coach who can guide us in the process of re-parenting our frozen inner child. This journey involves acknowledging our feelings, identifying our needs, and prioritizing ourselves without guilt or shame when appropriate. It can be as simple as indulging in our favorite food, getting a pet to experience unconditional love, treating ourselves to a spa day or retreat, purchasing a desired piece of jewelry, or exploring a new country solo. However, it often boils down to simpler acts: choosing to rest when tired, seeking solace in nature, meditating in silence with benevolence, understanding, and non-judgment, or journaling to explore our inner world. There are infinite ways to fulfill the needs of our undeveloped inner children, once we tap into our creativity. As we engage in this process, our inner child begins to grow again, thereby transforming all aspects of our lives, particularly our personal relationships. The inner child serves as the seat of the soul, holding the key to our joy and personal happiness.

Allow me to share a recent experience with one of my clients who had consumed hallucinogenic mushrooms as part of a shamanic healing journey. During a distressing trip, he found himself stuck in a vulnerable part of his inner child and decided to call me on WhatsApp. Recognizing the danger of the situation, I sought a quiet space at a friend’s house, even though it interrupted our plans. I settled into the dry bathtub to isolate myself, dedicating the following three hours to validating his feelings, creating safety and security, engaging in deep conversations, and making him feel truly special. Because of the drug and the fear he experienced from his bad trip, his inner child’s narcissism was stronger than his adult’s guilt of taking up my time on a Sunday. As a result, he could enjoy the process of me fully attending his inner child’s needs, which, at that moment, required feeling like the center of the world. I understood the importance of only ending the call when he was ready, regardless of how long it took. In hindsight, this experience brought him extraordinary healing, resulting in increased empathy and reduced self-centeredness. By addressing the genuine needs of our inner children, we enable their growth, leading to the development of more altruistic needs. To conclude the story, when I eventually emerged from the bathroom, my friend had patiently waited for me, and we shared a wonderful afternoon together. He reciprocated the unconditional support I had just offered. This illustrates the workings of the universal law of attraction.

Hence, here lies the paradox: To transcend narcissism, we must relearn how to be “narcissistic” in a healthy manner to heal our inner child. And what precisely is the appropriate narcissism for a fully functioning adult? Self-love. True self-love aligns with spiritual awakening, emanating from the heart and unity consciousness. Therefore, loving oneself in this state is nothing other than loving the entirety of creation, as we feel connected to all beings and everything around us.

French translation below – Article en Français ci-dessous

Rééduquer votre enfant intérieur : transformer le narcissisme en amour-propre

Le narcissisme, ancré dans le mythe grec de Narcisse, fait référence à un trait psychologique caractérisé par une admiration excessive de soi, un sentiment grandiose d’importance personnelle et un besoin constant d’attention et d’admiration des autres. Il implique une préoccupation excessive pour ses propres réalisations, talents et apparence, souvent accompagnée d’un manque d’empathie envers autrui. Le narcissisme peut avoir un impact négatif profond à la fois sur le plan personnel et interpersonnel. Les personnes présentant des traits narcissiques prononcés ont tendance à privilégier leurs propres besoins et désirs au détriment de ceux des autres, ce qui rend difficile la formation et le maintien de relations profondes. Leur sentiment exagéré d’importance personnelle peut rendre difficile une véritable connexion avec les autres ou la prise en compte de leurs points de vue. Cette focalisation sur soi peut également entraîner un manque d’empathie, créant une distance émotionnelle et relationnelle qui entrave le développement de relations saines et épanouissantes. En fin de compte, le narcissisme peut entraver la croissance personnelle ainsi que les relations authentiques et générer un cycle de mécontentement et d’insatisfaction.
Cette définition englobe la forme la plus évidente du narcissisme, connue sous le nom de trouble de la personnalité narcissique (TPN). Cependant, si nous élargissons notre compréhension du narcissisme comme une incapacité inhérente à se connecter véritablement avec les autres en raison d’un emprisonnement inconscient dans notre propre bulle égocentrique, nous pouvons identifier divers autres groupes de personnes qui présentent des traits narcissiques.
Par exemple, dans une relation co-dépendante, une personne a tendance à privilégier de manière excessive et malsaine les besoins et désirs de l’autre, souvent au détriment de son propre bien-être. Cela peut entraîner un déséquilibre dans la dynamique relationnelle, avec une personne assumant le rôle de soignant ou de sauveur. Dans certains cas, la personne qui présente des comportements co-dépendants peut également présenter des traits narcissiques. Cela peut se manifester par un besoin de contrôle, de manipulation ou un sentiment exagéré d’importance personnelle dans le contexte de la relation co-dépendante. Cette forme de co-dépendance avec des tendances narcissiques peut créer une dynamique où une personne recherche validation et attention de l’autre tout en maintenant un certain contrôle sur la relation.

En réalité, la plupart d’entre nous présentent certains traits narcissiques lorsque nous sommes déclenchés émotionnellement par une personne ou un événement. Nous sommes déclenchés parce que nous ne sommes pas complètement guéris émotionnellement, car la plupart d’entre nous sommes encore hantés par des traumatismes du passé. Les personnes diagnostiquées avec un TPN ou une co-dépendance se situent à l’extrême de l’échelle, mais il est honnête d’accepter le fait que nous présentons tous certains de ces comportements lorsque nous ne sentions pas bien.
Dans les premières étapes du développement de l’enfant, en particulier pendant les années formatrices, il est important qu’un enfant ait le sentiment d’être au centre du monde pour développer un ego sain. Ce processus est essentiel pour sa croissance psychologique et émotionnelle globale. Voici quelques raisons pour lesquelles cela est important :

Construction de l’identité : Pendant la petite enfance, les enfants sont en train de former leur sens de soi. En se percevant comme le centre de leur monde, ils développent une base pour leur identité personnelle. Cela leur permet de se comprendre et de se différencier des autres, favorisant un sentiment sain d’individualité.
Autonomie et indépendance : Se sentir important et se concentrer sur soi permet aux enfants de développer un sens de l’autonomie et de l’indépendance. Cela les encourage à explorer leur environnement, à exprimer leurs besoins et désirs. Cela favorise leur développement émotionnel et cognitif, car ils apprennent à naviguer dans le monde qui les entoure.
Sécurité émotionnelle : Lorsque les jeunes enfants ont l’impression d’être au centre de l’attention et de recevoir des soins attentionnés et responsifs, ils développent un sentiment de sécurité émotionnelle. Cela pose les bases d’un développement émotionnel sain, de la confiance et de la capacité à former des attachements sécurisés avec autrui.
Limites saines et auto-soins : En se concentrant initialement sur eux-mêmes, les enfants apprennent à connaître leurs propres besoins et préférences. Cette compréhension les aide à établir des limites saines et à développer des pratiques d’auto-soins. En grandissant, ils apprennent progressivement à équilibrer leurs propres besoins avec ceux des autres, favorisant des relations saines et l’empathie.
Développement de la confiance : Se sentir important et valorisé aide les enfants à développer la confiance et une image positive d’eux-mêmes. Cela leur donne un sentiment de valeur, les encourageant à explorer leurs capacités et à relever de nouveaux défis avec résilience et détermination.

Le narcissisme sain est crucial pour le développement d’un enfant. Par exemple, chez un bébé d’un an, un narcissisme sain se manifeste lorsque l’enfant exprime ses besoins en pleurant pour attirer l’attention de ses parents afin de satisfaire ses besoins physiques, comme se nourrir. De même, pendant la période souvent appelée les “terribles deux ans”, les tout-petits font preuve d’un narcissisme sain à travers des comportements tels que les crises de colère, la défiance et une affirmation de soi nouvelle, alors qu’ils explorent leur croissante autonomie et indépendance.
Malheureusement, pendant cette période cruciale du développement, les enfants sont souvent empêchés d’exprimer ce narcissisme nécessaire de manière saine. Beaucoup d’entre nous avons vécu des négligences, des absences, des déconnexions, des abus, de la colère, de l’insécurité, de la manipulation ou un manque de soins en raison des limites et des traumatismes de nos parents. Il ne s’agit pas de blâmer les parents ; ils ont fait de leur mieux compte tenu de leur propre niveau de développement et de compréhension. Il est en réalité presque impossible d’atteindre l’âge adulte sans avoir vécu une forme de traumatisme. Si nous adhérons à l’idée du parcours de l’âme, nous pourrions même considérer que nous avons intentionnellement choisi nos parents, spécialement pour les défis qu’ils présentaient (la trame de l’âme), comme une opportunité de travailler sur notre karma et d’évoluer en tant qu’âmes incarnées.

Alors que nous vivons des traumatismes pendant notre enfance, notre enfant intérieur peut se figer et cesser de grandir. Par conséquent, bien que notre corps physique puisse mûrir jusqu’à l’âge adulte, certaines parties de notre être peuvent demeurer comme un bébé en manque d’attention ou un tout-petit colérique de deux ans. Lorsqu’ils sont déclenchés, cette partie de nous peut se manifester par des emportements et des crises, causant des perturbations dans notre environnement. Nous avons tous été témoins de tels comportements inappropriés qui peuvent sembler irrationnels, fous ou immatures. Cependant, si nous observons le même comportement chez un jeune enfant, cela devient amusant et sans importance. La personne exhibant ces comportements n’est pas fondamentalement mauvaise ; plutôt, un aspect jeune de son être prend momentanément le contrôle de sa personnalité. Malheureusement, cela peut entraîner des dommages considérables et avoir un impact négatif sur sa vie ou sa carrière comme Will Smith quand il a gliflé Chris Rock aux Oscars. Dans un développement sain de l’enfance, les enfants apprennent progressivement à prendre en compte les perspectives des autres, à développer de l’empathie et à naviguer dans les interactions sociales. Cependant, en raison des traumatismes, certains aspects de nous-mêmes restent figés dans des stades de développement antérieurs caractérisés par des tendances narcissiques. En conséquence, un adulte présentant des traits narcissiques reflète souvent quelqu’un qui n’a pas été autorisé à exprimer un narcissisme sain pendant l’enfance, lorsque cela était approprié à cette étape du développement. Un ami m’a un jour conseillé de prendre soin de mes enfants lorsqu’ils sont jeunes pour éviter de gros problèmes plus tard, à l’adolescence. Ce conseil s’est avéré particulièrement pertinent. Investir dans le bien-être de nos enfants pendant la petite enfance est essentiel pour favoriser le développement de jeunes adultes responsables et bienveillants. Il est important de ne pas négliger nos enfants, d’observer attentivement leurs émotions, de les aider à les réguler et de leur donner un sens approprié à partir de leurs expériences. Les adultes doivent créer un environnement sûr pour que les jeunes enfants puissent manifester des comportements centrés sur eux-mêmes adaptés à leur âge. Par conséquent, l’une des pires choses qu’un parent puisse faire est de faire culpabiliser un enfant d’être égoïste. Cela peut entraîner le fait que l’enfant soit précocement chargé de responsabilités parentales et affiche ensuite des comportements narcissiques à l’âge adulte. Cette situation se produit souvent dans les grandes familles où les frères et sœurs plus âgés sont amenés à assumer des rôles parentaux tout en étant encore des enfants. Bien que l’égocentrisme de leurs enfants puisse être difficile pour les parents, les bébés, les tout-petits et les jeunes enfants sont conçus pour paraître mignons. Notre cerveau est programmé pour faire preuve de plus de patience et de tolérance envers les individus qui possèdent cette qualité d’être mignon afin de nous aider à soutenir cette partie la plus difficile du développement de nos enfants.

Maintenant, la question cruciale se pose : que faisons-nous des aspects de nous-mêmes qui ont cessé de se développer en raison des traumatismes et qui sont maintenant figés dans des stades immatures de développement ?

La guérison implique de fournir à notre enfant intérieur bloqué des expériences opposées à celles qu’il a connues. Pour reprendre sa croissance, il a besoin de soins, de se sentir spécial, d’attention, de douceur et de gentillesse, des expériences qu’il n’a peut-être jamais reçues auparavant. Il est courant que beaucoup d’entre nous cherchent des relations intimes pour cette raison, ce qui se termine souvent par des désastres. Au lieu de chercher un partenaire de vie avec qui grandir, partager les beaux moments de la vie et contribuer à son bonheur, nous cherchons inconsciemment un partenaire qui ressemble à l’un de nos parents et qui nous apportera l’épanouissement émotionnel que notre parent d’origine n’a peut-être pas su nous offrir. Cependant, ce schéma tend à perpétuer le même cycle de traumatismes et de souffrances encore et encore. Étant donné que l’amour est instinctivement associé à la survie pour un enfant, cela explique pourquoi nous pouvons manifester des comportements destructeurs ou haineux envers quelqu’un que nous avons autrefois considéré comme notre partenaire de vie, plutôt que de passer pacifiquement à la séparation consciente.

En effet, notre enfant intérieur bloqué a besoin d’une expérience de narcissisme sain pour reprendre sa croissance. Cependant, au lieu de le demander inconsciemment à un partenaire romantique, une approche plus efficace consiste à travailler avec un thérapeute ou un coach compétent qui peut nous guider dans le processus de re-parentage de notre enfant intérieur figé. Ce cheminement implique de reconnaître nos émotions, de découvrir nos besoins et de nous mettre en premier sans culpabilité ni honte lorsque cela est approprié. Cela peut être aussi simple que de se préparer notre plat préféré rien que pour nous, d’adopter un chien pour vivre l’expérience de l’amour inconditionnel que nous n’avons peut-être jamais reçu de nos parents, de se faire chouchouter avec un soin thalasso ou une retraite spirituelle, d’acheter un bijou que nous avons tant désiré sans attendre qu’un partenaire comble ce besoin, de partir dans un pays que nous avons toujours voulu explorer sans compagnon de voyage. Mais le plus souvent, cela est plus simple que cela. Choisir de se reposer lorsque nous nous sentons fatigués ou surmenés, même si notre esprit nous pousse à travailler plus fort pour respecter une deadline. Aller dans un endroit agréable en pleine nature pour se détendre et trouver la paix. Méditer et s’asseoir en silence en écoutant toutes les parties de nous-mêmes de manière neutre, sans jugement, avec bienveillance, gentillesse et compréhension. Tenir un journal pour en apprendre davantage sur nous-mêmes. Il existe une infinité de façons de répondre aux besoins de nos enfants intérieurs non développés une fois que nous apprenons à faire preuve de créativité à cet égard. En le faisant, notre enfant intérieur recommencera à grandir et, par conséquent, toute notre vie sera transformée, surtout dans le domaine des relations personnelles. L’enfant intérieur est le siège de l’âme et détient ainsi la clé de notre joie et de notre bonheur personnel.

Permettez-moi de partager une expérience récente avec l’un de mes clients qui avait consommé des champignons hallucinogènes dans le cadre d’un voyage chamanique de guérison. Il s’est retrouvé bloqué terrifié dans une partie vulnérable de son enfant intérieur. Reconnaissant l’importance de la situation, j’ai cherché un espace calme chez un ami, même si cela interrompait nos projets. Je me suis installé dans la baignoire sans eau pour m’isoler, consacrant les trois heures suivantes à valider ses sentiments, à lui créer un sentiment de sécurité, à engager des conversations profondes et à le faire se sentir réellement spécial. Grâce à l’influence de la drogue, il a réussi à surmonter la culpabilité de me prendre mon temps un dimanche et à répondre pleinement aux besoins de son enfant intérieur, qui consistaient à se sentir au centre du monde à ce moment-là. J’ai compris l’importance de ne mettre fin à l’appel que lorsqu’il était prêt, peu importe le temps que cela prendrait. Avec le recul, cette expérience lui a apporté une guérison extraordinaire, le rendant plus empathique et moins centré sur lui-même. En répondant aux besoins authentiques de nos enfants intérieurs, nous leur permettons de grandir, ce qui conduit au développement de besoins plus altruistes. Pour conclure l’histoire, lorsque j’ai finalement quitté la salle de bain, mon ami m’avait patiemment attendu et nous avons passé un merveilleux après-midi ensemble. Il m’a rendu le même soutien inconditionnel que je venais de lui offrir. C’est ainsi que fonctionne la loi universelle de l’attraction.

Voici donc le paradoxe : pour transcender le narcissisme, nous devons réapprendre à être “narcissiques” de manière saine et consciente. Et qu’est-ce que le narcissisme approprié pour un adulte pleinement fonctionnel ? L’amour de soi. Le véritable amour de soi est en réalité la même chose qu’un éveil spirituel, car il est basé sur le cœur et la conscience de l’unité. Ainsi, s’aimer soi-même dans cet état revient à aimer l’ensemble de la création, car nous nous sentons connectés à tous les êtres et à tout ce qui nous entoure.

Artículo en español a continuación

Replantear a tu niño interior: Transformando el narcisismo en amor propio

El narcisismo, enraizado en el mito griego de Narciso, se refiere a un rasgo psicológico caracterizado por un exceso de autoadmiración, un sentido grandioso de importancia personal y un constante deseo de atención y admiración por parte de los demás. Implica una obsesión por los propios logros, talentos y apariencia, a menudo acompañada de una falta de empatía hacia los demás. El narcisismo puede tener un profundo impacto negativo tanto a nivel personal como interpersonal. Las personas con rasgos narcisistas pronunciados tienden a priorizar sus propias necesidades y deseos por encima de los de los demás, lo que dificulta la formación y el mantenimiento de relaciones significativas. Su exagerado sentido de importancia personal puede generar un sentimiento de derecho, lo que les dificulta conectar verdaderamente con los demás o considerar sus perspectivas. Este enfoque centrado en sí mismo también puede resultar en una falta de empatía, creando distancia emocional y relacional, y obstaculizando el desarrollo de conexiones saludables y satisfactorias. En última instancia, el narcisismo puede obstaculizar el crecimiento personal, dificultar las conexiones auténticas y generar un ciclo de insatisfacción y descontento.

Esta definición abarca la forma más evidente de narcisismo, conocida como Trastorno Narcisista de la Personalidad (TNP). Sin embargo, si ampliamos nuestra comprensión del narcisismo como una incapacidad inherente para conectar genuinamente con los demás debido a estar excesivamente absorto en nuestra propia burbuja egocéntrica, podemos identificar varios otros grupos de personas que exhiben rasgos narcisistas.

Por ejemplo, en una relación codependiente, una persona tiende a priorizar las necesidades y deseos del otro en grado excesivo y poco saludable, a menudo a expensas de su propio bienestar. Esto puede llevar a un desequilibrio en la dinámica de la relación, con una persona asumiendo un papel de cuidador o facilitador. En algunos casos, la persona que exhibe comportamientos codependientes también puede mostrar rasgos narcisistas. Esto puede manifestarse como una necesidad de control, manipulación o un sentido exagerado de importancia personal dentro del contexto de la relación codependiente. Esta forma de codependencia con tendencias narcisistas puede crear una dinámica en la que una persona busca validación y atención del otro mientras mantiene un sentido de control sobre la relación.

De hecho, la mayoría de nosotros mostramos algunas formas de rasgos narcisistas cuando somos desencadenados por una persona o un evento. Nos desenfocamos porque no hemos sanado completamente, ya que muchos de nosotros todavía estamos acosados por traumas del pasado. Las personas que son diagnosticadas con TNP o codependencia se encuentran en el extremo más grave del espectro, pero es honesto aceptar el hecho de que todos nosotros mostramos algunos de estos comportamientos cuando no estamos bien.

En realidad, muchos de nosotros exhibimos ciertos rasgos narcisistas que aparecen de repente por personas o eventos específicos. Estos desencadenantes a menudo se originan en traumas pasados no resueltos que continúan afectándonos. Si bien las personas diagnosticadas con TNP o codependencia representan el extremo del espectro, es importante reconocer que todos podemos mostrar algunos de estos comportamientos cuando experimentamos angustia emocional o no estamos bien. Es un reconocimiento sincero de que nuestros comportamientos pueden alinearse temporalmente con tendencias narcisistas durante esos períodos.

En las primeras etapas del desarrollo infantil, especialmente durante los años formativos, es importante que un niño experimente una sensación de ser el centro del mundo para desarrollar un ego saludable. Este proceso es esencial para su crecimiento psicológico, emocional, y en general. A continuación, se presentan algunas razones por las cuales esto es importante:

Construcción de la identidad propia: Durante la primera infancia, los niños están en proceso de formar su sentido de sí mismos. Al experimentarse como el centro de su mundo, desarrollan una base para empezar a crear su identidad. Esto les permite comprender y diferenciarse de los demás, fomentando un sentido saludable de individualidad.
Autonomía e independencia: Sentirse importante y centrado en uno mismo, permite a los niños desarrollar un sentido de autonomía e independencia. Los anima a explorar su entorno, expresar sus necesidades ó deseos, y a desarrollar un sentido de agencia. Esto fomenta su desarrollo emocional y cognitivo, ya que aprenden a navegar en el mundo que les rodea.
Seguridad emocional: Cuando los niños pequeños sienten que son el centro de atención y reciben cuidado y atención receptiva, desarrollan un sentido de seguridad emocional. Esto sienta las bases para un desarrollo emocional saludable, la confianza y la capacidad de formar vínculos seguros con los demás.
Límites saludables y autocuidado: Al enfocarse inicialmente en sí mismos, los niños aprenden acerca de sus propias necesidades y preferencias. Esta comprensión les ayuda a establecer límites saludables y desarrollar prácticas de autocuidado. A medida que crecen, aprenden gradualmente a equilibrar sus propias necesidades con las de los demás, fomentando relaciones saludables y empatía.
Desarrollo de la confianza: Sentirse importante y valorado ayuda a los niños a desarrollar confianza y una imagen positiva de sí mismos. Les proporciona un sentido de valía, fomentando su disposición a explorar sus habilidades y asumir nuevos desafíos con resiliencia y determinación.

El narcisismo saludable es crucial para el desarrollo de un niño. Por ejemplo, el narcisismo saludable de un bebé de un año se evidencia cuando vocaliza sus necesidades llorando para que sus padres atiendan sus requerimientos físicos, como alimentarse. De manera similar, durante la etapa comúnmente conocida como “terrible dos”, los niños pequeños exhiben un narcisismo saludable a través de comportamientos como rabietas, desafío y una nueva afirmación de su autonomía, mientras exploran su creciente sentido de identidad e independencia.

Lamentablemente, durante este período crítico de desarrollo, a menudo se impide a los niños expresar este narcisismo necesario de manera saludable. Muchos de nosotros experimentamos negligencia, ausencia, desconexión, abuso, ira, inseguridad, manipulación o falta de cuidado debido a las limitaciones y traumas de nuestros padres. No se trata de culpar a los padres; hicieron lo mejor que pudieron con su propio nivel de desarrollo y comprensión. Es una realidad que alcanzar la edad adulta sin algún tipo de trauma es casi imposible. Si abrazamos la idea del viaje del alma, incluso podríamos considerar que elegimos intencionalmente a nuestros padres, específicamente por los desafíos que presentaban (el plan del alma), como una oportunidad para trabajar en nuestro karma y evolucionar como almas encarnadas.

A medida que experimentamos traumas en la infancia, nuestro niño interior puede quedar estancado y dejar de desarrollarse. En consecuencia, aunque nuestro cuerpo físico pueda madurar hacia la edad adulta, ciertos aspectos de nuestros pueden siguen siendo similares a un niño necesitado de atención o un niño pequeño enojado de dos años. Cuando se nos desencadena, esta parte de nosotros puede manifestarse a través de arrebatos y rabietas, causando disturbios en nuestro entorno. Todos hemos sido testigos de tales comportamientos inapropiados que parecen irracionales, locos o inmaduros. Sin embargo, si observamos el mismo comportamiento en un niño pequeño, resulta divertido e insignificante. La persona que muestra estos comportamientos no es inherentemente mala; más bien, una joven parte de su ser toma momentáneamente el control de su personalidad. Desafortunadamente, esto puede generar daños significativos e impactar negativamente su vida o carrera.

En el desarrollo saludable de la infancia, los niños aprenden gradualmente a considerar las perspectivas de los demás, desarrollar empatía y navegar las interacciones sociales. Sin embargo, debido a los traumas, ciertos aspectos de nosotros mismos quedan atrapados en etapas tempranas de desarrollo caracterizadas por tendencias narcisistas. Como resultado, un adulto que muestra rasgos narcisistas a menudo refleja a alguien que no se le permitió expresar un narcisismo saludable durante la infancia. Un amigo una vez me aconsejó que cuidara de mis hijos durante sus primeros años para evitar problemas significativos durante su adolescencia. Este consejo resultó ser notablemente preciso. Invertir en el bienestar de nuestros hijos durante la infancia es crucial para fomentar jóvenes adultos responsables y compasivos. Es vital no menospreciar a nuestros hijos, observar atentamente sus emociones, ayudarlos a regular esas emociones y darles significado apropiado a sus experiencias. Los adultos deben crear un entorno seguro para que los niños pequeños puedan exhibir comportamientos egocéntricos apropiados para su edad. Por lo tanto, una de las peores cosas que un padre puede hacer es hacer que un niño se sienta culpable por ser egoísta. Esta dinámica puede llevar a que el niño asuma prematuramente responsabilidades parentales y, posteriormente, muestre comportamientos narcisistas en la vida adulta. Esto ocurre a menudo en familias numerosas donde se espera que los hermanos mayores asuman roles parentales mientras todavía son niños. Aunque aceptar el egocentrismo de los niños puede ser desafiante para los padres, los bebés, los niños pequeños, están diseñados para parecer lindos. Nuestros cerebros están cableados para mostrar una mayor paciencia y tolerancia hacia las personas que poseen estas cualidades, para ayudarnos a apoyar esta parte tan difícil del desarrollo de nuestros hijos.

Ahora, la pregunta crucial surge: ¿Qué debemos hacer con los aspectos de nosotros mismos que han dejado de desarrollarse debido a los traumas y que actualmente están atrapados en etapas inmaduras?

La sanación implica proporcionar a nuestro niño interior atrapado las experiencias opuestas que les faltaron. Para reanudar su crecimiento, necesitan cuidado, una sensación de ser valorados, atención dedicada, ternura y amabilidad, experiencias que pueden haber sido ausentes en sus primeros años. Es común que muchos de nosotros busquemos relaciones íntimas por esta razón, lo que a menudo conduce a resultados desastrosos. En lugar de buscar una pareja de vida para crecer y compartir momentos felices, y contribuir a la felicidad mutua, buscamos inconscientemente una pareja que se asemeje a uno de nuestros padres. Esperamos que esta pareja proporcione el cuidado emocional que nuestro padre original pudo no haber brindado. Sin embargo, este patrón tiende a perpetuar el mismo ciclo de trauma y dolor una y otra vez. Dado que el amor está instintivamente asociado con la supervivencia para un niño, explica por qué podemos mostrar comportamientos destructivos o llenos de odio hacia alguien que alguna vez consideramos nuestra pareja en la vida en lugar de pasar pacíficamente a una separación consciente.

De hecho, nuestro niño interior bloqueado requiere una experiencia de narcisismo saludable para reanudar su crecimiento. Sin embargo, en lugar de exigirlo inconscientemente a una pareja romántica, un enfoque más efectivo implica trabajar con un terapeuta o coach especializado que pueda guiarnos en el proceso de ser padres de nuestro niño interior congelado. Este viaje implica reconocer nuestras emociones, identificar nuestras necesidades y priorizarnos sin culpa ni vergüenza cuando sea apropiado. Puede ser tan simple como disfrutar de nuestra comida favorita, tener una mascota para experimentar el amor incondicional, darnos un día de spa o retiro, comprar una joya deseada o explorar un nuevo país por nuestra cuenta. Sin embargo, a menudo se reduce a actos más simples: elegir descansar cuando estamos cansados, buscar consuelo en la naturaleza, meditar en silencio con benevolencia, comprensión sin juzgar, o escribir en un diario para descubrir más sobre nosotros mismos. Hay infinitas formas de satisfacer las necesidades de nuestro niño interior no desarrollado una vez que desarrollemos nuestra creatividad. A medida que nos involucramos en este proceso, nuestro niño interior comienza a crecer, transformando así todos los aspectos de nuestra vida, especialmente en el área de las relaciones personales. El niño interior es el asiento del alma y tiene la clave de nuestra alegría y felicidad personal.

Permíteme compartir una experiencia reciente con uno de mis clientes que había consumido hongos alucinógenos como parte de un viaje chamánico de sanación. Durante un viaje angustiante, se encontró atrapado en una parte vulnerable de su niño interior. Reconociendo la importancia de la situación, busqué un espacio tranquilo en casa de un amigo, aunque interrumpiera nuestros planes. Me acomodé en la bañera seca para aislarme, dedicando las siguientes tres horas a validar sus sentimientos, crear seguridad y confianza, entablar conversaciones profundas y hacerlo sentir realmente especial. Gracias a la influencia de la droga, logró superar la culpa de ocupar mi tiempo un domingo y atender plenamente las necesidades de su niño interior, que en ese momento requería sentirse como el centro del mundo. Entendí la importancia de finalizar la llamada solo cuando estuviera listo, sin importar cuánto tiempo llevara. En retrospectiva, esta experiencia le brindó una sanación extraordinaria, lo que resultó en un aumento de la empatía y una disminución del egocentrismo. Al abordar las necesidades genuinas de nuestro niño interior, permitimos su crecimiento, lo que conduce al desarrollo de necesidades más altruistas. Para concluir la historia, cuando finalmente salí del baño, mi amigo había esperado pacientemente y disfrutamos de una maravillosa tarde juntos. Él me devolvió el mismo apoyo incondicional que acababa de brindarle. Esto ilustra cómo funciona la ley universal de la ley de atracción.

The healing power of negative emotions

December 3, 2022December 4, 2022 / vaillantgicqueau / 2 Comments

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We live in a world where we have made an enemy of negative emotions. We do everything to run away from them. We turn to drugs, addictions, dysfunctional relationships, distractions or compulsive behaviors to avoid feeling negative emotions. What if they are the lead that we can turn into gold if only we knew the alchemical process?

First, there is no mystery why we are behaving this way because we were programmed by our environment to dread negative emotions. As a child, there were some emotions that were not welcomed into our family environment. The type of emotions allowed or punished depends of the family. For example, in my family, anger was not tolerated however sadness was allowed. Then, we go through the process of socialization through school, our workplace and the community we are a part of. Each one has their own set of rules regarding emotions that are acceptable or frown upon. If this was not enough, we act towards ourselves as the most severe judge regarding the emotions we allow ourselves to feel and not feel. Many negative emotions come with stigma and we carry too much shame about ourselves to admit we are feeling them. We make depression mean lost and weak, loneliness mean unlovable, anger mean dangerous so of course, our ego will do anything not to feel them in order protect our imaginary sense of self.

As a result, we have become experts in not feeling negative emotions. Because of the powerless state we live in, we thrive for solutions outside of ourselves while all answers are always from within. The global opioid market is $23 billions while the market of illegal mind altering substances is much higher. All addictions come from the fact we are avoiding to feel difficult emotions. This is well explained by Gabor Mate. According to him “Addiction is not a choice anybody makes, it’s a response to emotional pain”. Many dysfunctional relationship patterns are born because we are irresistibly attracted to partners that can express the emotions we have repressed. I would like to invite you to reflect on your own obsessive behaviors or coping mechanisms you have adopted not to feel. The list is endless for everyone of us.

At the same time, there are valid reasons why the society, and everyone of us have been programmed to be afraid of negative emotions. To be fair, the unconscious expression of negative emotions may be threatening not only to others but also to ourselves. The news are full of reports of homicides that happened in an excess of rage. We hear of people committing suicide when they get too depressed. There are more and more teenagers resolving to cutting when faced with overwhelming emotional pain. For this reason, we are afraid to open the pandora’s box as we get closer to our negative emotions. Actually, the opposite is true. By allowing to feeling our difficult emotions, we release the pressure and therefore reduce their uncontrolled expression.

Feeling emotions is an aspect of being human. A healthy integrated human being reacts to life events with emotions. He experiences anger when his boundaries or sense of values is violated. He experiences sadness when faced with loss. He experiences disappointment when he does not attain his objectives. He feels stressed or anxious when he is under too much pressure and feels overwhelmed. He feels depressed when he has lost meaning and purpose. Negative emotions are like messengers. They act as feedback mechanisms as we go through life. They are guides who help us keep our life in the right direction. They constitute our inner guidance system. There are two prerequisites to be able to use emotions as a life compass: awareness and complete self-honesty. We need to learn to recognize the types of emotions that circulate through our body, and have enough self-confidence to see our flaws without collapsing emotionally.

As the person matures, he understands which environment may be conducive to the free expression of his genuine emotions. Controlled anger may be effective to deal with your teenager that lied to you however anger is unwelcome almost every time in a court of law. So, as a first step, we need to develop awareness in the type of emotions that is arising within our consciousness, and secondly see how much we can safely express them within our current environment. We may feel sad, and if we are in the company of good friends, we know we can cry without feeling judged. Or we may be in a different setting where shedding tears could be interpreted as a sign of weakness or feel threatening to people around us. In this situation, we learn to postpone the conscious expression of negative emotions when we are in a safe place.

I am going to share with you my personal technique of dealing with negative emotions:
1. Recognition
I need to feel I have a heavy emotion that require my attention as it is a call for healing and understanding. It should be painful enough that I cannot easily push it aside through positive focus or immersing myself into an activity. On the opposite, it needs to feel that ignoring this feeling will be damaging to our holistic self. This type of emotions should not happen more than a few times in a month unlike I am going through a particularly difficult time in my life. I see some people doing shadow work so often that they forget to enjoy their lives, and develop a new ego centered around their traumas. This is another extreme to avoid. We have to find the right balance between avoidance and complacency. In case of doubt, trust your body sensations in the present moment to make the determination if you need shadow work or not.
2. Setting a time
If you are finding yourself in a safe place where you can isolate yourself, start your shadow work session right away. However, life is busy and we may not be able to deal with these negative emotions right away. Take care of your key priorities first to put your mind to rest and reduce your stress. Find a safe place where you may not be interrupted. Set-up a time in the near future to work on these emotions. Resist the urge to handle your negative emotions with any external quick-fix in the meantime.
3. Shadow work meditation
If I notice that my mind is restless, I will start first with a physical practice to quiet my mind which is a form of stretching and yoga. This helps me to reconnect with the present moment, my breath, my body in order to ground and raise my frequency. Clearing the mind chatter is critical to be able to listen to our higher intuition. Then I take the position of my favorite asana. From my perspective, the most important is to have a straight back while being comfortable to connect more deeply to our emotions, feelings and thought patterns. This works for me because I have been practicing meditation for many years. However, other centering modalities may be more adequate for you. Journaling makes thoughts more visible and tangible so that you may visualize them to facilitate an inner dialog. Some people prefer a walking meditation in nature. The natural harmony of trees, birds, insects, vegetation is helping them finding this inner center.

4. Be your own therapist
The inner work that now takes place will depend upon your own experience as a healer, coach or simply as an introspective person. However there are a few constants I want to share with you that apply to all shadow work. First, you need to sit with the emotions no matter how painful they are. It involves tearing down the protective walls, allowing to feel the negative emotions without judgment, to eventually accepting them as they are. Raw and uncomfortable as they may be, they act as a rope to bring us back to an aspect of your fragmented self that requires healing. There are many techniques available whether you connect with your body sensations, use creative visualization or validate your raw emotions but the overall goal is to go deeper until you have an emotional release such as tears. If you do not get an emotional release, your process has stayed mental and the healing will be very superficial.

Once the emotional release takes place, the healing process shifted from the mind to the body and therefore becomes therefore far more effective. Use breath, body and psychic awareness to help circulate the energy. Show compassion, detachment, loving kindness towards yourself as you experience energy shifting within your body. At that stage, observe without analysis in full presence and deep compassion. The goal is to feel as much as possible. It is about letting go and facilitating the process just like if you were delivering a baby. You are not making things happen, you are watching things happen.
After this stage is done, it is appropriate for mind and intuition to come back and make sense about what happened. What did you learn? What do you need? Did you recover an old trauma? What aspects of you require nurturing? Why were you feeling this way? What actions do you need to take in your life to shift this pattern? What new perspective do you need to adopt to stop suffering?
For example, you may have felt deep loneliness. It may be reminiscent to your childhood being raised by emotionally unavailable parents. You then realize you need to make connection with friends or an intimate partner a priority in your life and not give all your energy to your work. You are deciding to go out to meet new people.
Alternatively, you may be feeling angry towards someone. It reminds you to a situation as a child where you felt trapped. You are deciding to stop the perceived abuse from this person, and hold your personal boundaries. You are not going to acquiesce any more to actions towards you that you see as harmful and unfair.
Sometimes, it takes time to come a new understanding or a new course of action. This is completely fine. It is critical to sit with the feeling as long as necessary and any conclusion cannot be rushed. They should come effortlessly.

Being your own therapist takes practice. Initially, you may want to solicit the help of an outside therapist, facilitator or coach you resonate with as you go through these difficult cycles. Unfortunately, most people are disconnected from their body, feelings and emotions so they may feel overwhelmed at first to lead this healing process on their own. Do not have any shame in requiring compassionate help from a third party. Whether you use a guide or not for this process, you are still the one doing the work. Even the most advanced and compassionate healers cannot do the required healing work without your participation, trust and courage. As you get more experienced, it feels easier and easier to do shadow work on your own. You develop autonomy and the understanding that everything is within you.

Once you master the process of working with your own negative emotions, there are many benefits that will be added into your life.
1. Improved health
The majority of physical illnesses start with an emotional component. By being more in touch with your emotions, you will be able to do the necessary healing before it affects your physical body. You take notice of the early signs of unbalance and misalignment before they make you sick. You stop catching the seasonal flu and your immune system runs as a much higher level. You recover more quickly from life’s inevitable hardships and upheavals.
2. More clarity and sense of purpose
You are never stuck or feeling down for too long. 90% of your life is about creating, connecting and sharing, enjoying and having fun, taking care of yourself and others in a beneficial way. You get more done. You stop resorting to addiction or distractions to fill your inner void. You bring meaning to everything you do.
3. Magical manifestation
As you connect to your heart’s desire through shadow work, the universe hears your silent cry and may start manifesting what you truly desire above your expectations. The woman of your dreams may come into your life or your dream career may materialize. Your business may start developing at rapid speed. Your life mission becomes effortless. A very deep friendship may emerge. Sky is the limit in terms of manifestations. The key is to be truthful, authentic and connect deeply to what you really really while raising above the selfish needs and desires of the ego.
4. Wisdom
You develop self-knowledge and discernment. You become someone people come to for advice and guidance. You read people easily. You avert danger and perilous situations. You are taking better decisions and actions for everyday life. Every difficulty you face in life brings you more wisdom to live better. You win anyway, whether you were dealt good or bad cards from life.
5. Saving time and money
You find solutions from within, fast and without the need to external paid help. You prevent bad financial deals before they happen. Your inner guidance system is wide awake to make you avoid costly life turns you may regret later on. You feel the potential of opportunities coming your way.
6. Enhanced quality of life
You live life at a much higher level. It is not about getting by or surviving but thriving. You have stopped all life energy leaks such as addictions, dysfunctional relationships or compulsive to live a life that is worth living, full of new adventures and dreams to manifest. You awaken to your true self as you heal yourself through the transmutation of negative emotions.

Work on negative emotions is just as important as being present and disciplining our attention in our journey of awakening and achieving our full potential. While we dread them for they bring us misery, they hold the key to our liberation because of their healing power.

Mind Control and the Current Times

April 5, 2020April 22, 2020 / vaillantgicqueau / 6 Comments

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This blog was inspired by some harsh comments I received on Facebook. Though I understand that people are afraid of the exponential growth of the pandemic, I made a point that the mortality rate of Covid-19 was still way under the flu, cancer, car accidents, suicides, addictions, cancer or hunger mortality rates. This data can be easily verified.

An individual who is a competent professional, a family man and highly regarded in his community called my post stupid and reckless. When I disagree with someone, either I ignore them because I see there is no point in convincing someone who has already made up his mind or I attempt to have a rational dialog with them but I do not belittle them. Amendment 1 of the US constitution is freedom of speech. So why are the so-called “good and normal people” (GANP) becoming so hysterical and zealously trying to get everyone to conform to their opinion? Another GANP was calling murderers a couple that simply went hiking to the mountains while everyone knows that nature and physical exercise are excellent for the immune system. While I commented “Live and let live”, she started insulting me, removed my comment, and unfriended me on facebook. Will people who do not blindly follow the current mass hysteria be soon judged for voluntary homicide? What is fascinating is that the worst enforcement is not done by corrupt governments but by the GANP, all these hard-working people with “good reputation”, families and jobs. The GANP are actually enablers of most of the society’s dysfunctions as they carry mindlessly instructions that often come from a corrupt elite. To be able to understand this apparent contradiction, let’s dive deeper into mind control.

First, we have seen this before. After the shock of 9/11, the media were brainwashing us all day long that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction and we had to invade Iraq and remove him from power to guarantee the safety of good Americans. To frighten us even more, they added all the Anthrax attacks. Incidentally, anthrax was a biological weapon created by Russians in a lab back in the 1970s. In 2003, people who did not fall for the official narrative were called anti-patriotic. France opposed the USA at the United Nations to invade Irak so the Bush administration decided to rename French fries Freedom fries as retaliation 🙂 I had some French friends who lived in Texas who got their house covered with graffiti by patriotic GANP. Since, it has been well documented that the Bush administration lied to the American public to invade Irak in order to control their oil resources. However in 2015, still half of Republicans believed that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction. Politicians understand that perception is reality rather than truth, and this is why most media are controlled in order to disseminate propaganda to serve their agenda. In the run-up to the Iraq War, Halliburton was awarded a $7 billion contract for which only Halliburton was allowed to bid, the company that Dick Cheney received a $36 million severance package from when he became George W Bush Jr Vice President in 2000. Countless lives and 2.4 trillions dollars of taxpayers’ money were lost on this war, but the people responsible for this disaster continue to be covered with distinctions and honors instead of being put on trial for crimes against humanity.

My own life experience makes me qualified to speak about the subject of mind control. My parents had severe attachment traumas. My father was basically an orphan for the first 10 years of his life and my mother was raised in the foster child system. As a result, I lacked belonging. This made me a match to joining a cult when I was 20-year-old for 3 years. When I was 26, I became involved with a woman with a tight family structure that functioned in many ways like a small cult. I was too busy at work to pay attention to what was really happening as I was compensating my lack of self-love by providing them with the status they needed to compensate for their own self-hatred. But when the separation occurred after 15 years together, they alienated me against my own children, which was by far the most difficult hardship I had to integrate in my life. Parental alienation is one of the worst forms of mind control as it puts hatred where there should be unconditional love. When I turned 42, I lived a passionate love story and got married with a very popular New Age guru who was raised in some of the most malevolent, sophisticated and powerful cults of the world. Many people are viewing her as a dangerous cult leader too however the reality is far more complex. All of this made me a mind control survivor.

Through these experiences, I got to understand that people’s truth is quite subjective. While objective truths exist, they are mostly not accessible to the common man. The fact is that men and women will just consider truth what the people they love or respect consider truthful. Truth is therefore based on the social link so, by essence, it is completely subjective. I got to observe this when I was in the Fellowship of Friends (FOF) in my early twenties. Actually, many people who were in the cult were remarkably intelligent and had high IQ. There were many entrepreneurs, business owners, artists or professionals. Despite the fact that many of us were quite intelligent, we would blindly follow and believe the absurdities of the guru Robert Earl Burton (REB) whose sexual, financial and emotional abuse have now been fully exposed. So what type of idiocies would we believe? That he was more conscious than Jesus Christ, that he was best buddy with Leonardo Da Vinci (this is why we often left an empty seat next to REB), that he would have sex with members to awaken them, that we were the chosen ones to survive humanity downfall and repopulate the earth, etc… Actually, and this is a fact well-known among mind control experts, intelligent people are often easier to manipulate because they have a bigger ego, are more disconnected and less grounded. They are head-centered rather than heart-centered, and can easily let go of common sense when confronted with dogma.

I got to observe that effective mind control always happens with the same several steps:

Create the bond
Repetition
Isolation
Punition & Reward

Let me show you how this 4 step process works with examples extracted from my life experience.

In FOF, the bond was created by making connections with people who felt initially remarkably open-minded, warm, supportive and intelligent. At first, it felt like the family I never had so it fulfilled my deep desire for belonging. Then the same dogma, beliefs would be constantly spread by the members. Isolation was then created by boosting our ego (we are better than other people as we are the chosen ones) or by adopting a language or a set of beliefs that is not compatible with regular people. Once we were committed to the cult and more disconnected to the outside world, then more pressure could be applied. Good zealous members following mindlessly the corrupt leadership would be rewarded while anyone challenging the current power structure would receive fines or face ostracization. As most cults, FOF strictly forbad contact with former members so leaving the cult meant starting a life from scratch and losing all your friends and connections overnight. This is how most cults retain their members as belonging is such a strong need for all of us, and when the connection with the birth family is weak, it means facing complete loneliness.

With the mother of my children, the bond was created by a romantic relationship and the unhealthy love dynamic between codependent and narcissistic people. The repetition and brainwashing was mostly done by my mother-in-law who kept repeating how great and loving her family was, how they were the only good grandparents, the only ones who cared about us and our children, how their daughter was the best and how I was lost before I found her and her family, etc… Of course, at the same time, she would not mention all the family skeletons that hid in the closet. My parents were first alienated as deemed unworthy as she wanted to be the only grandmother by eliminating competing grandparents. She praised narcissistic love as the only true love. If I were to challenge the narrative, I would subject myself to endless arguments and wrath. Though I took care financially of them for many years and improved their lives in so many ways, when their daughter and I mutually decided to split, I was shun by the whole family. Their daughter then rewrote the narrative that I had abandoned her to play the victim and win the children over that would be used as weapons of war against me.

For my children, the bond was created naturally by birth. They were subjected by the same constant brainwashing of my mother-in-law. They were groomed to relate to only specific people from the community however this can only go so far as children who go to school will meet people from all walks of life. The consequence of deviating from the family line was shown clearly to them by making an example with their own father: complete abandonment, constant criticism, relentless attacks and harassment. It was made clear to them that they would not want to follow my footsteps.

My last wife’s cult abuser pretended to be her real father to create this bond and it took her years of therapy before realizing he had been lying to her all along. She was made to attend some of the most horrendous rituals where the cult’s dogma would be reinforced. If she started to attach to anyone outside the cult like a boyfriend, there would face unbearable consequences such as the killing of her dog. Her cult trainer would also ensure that she felt disconnected from her brother and parents. Also, disobeying the satanic cult was out of the question as she was frequently exposed to torture, gore or even death that resulted from deviating cult orders.

While she had done amazing considering her horrific background, she was not completely healed and fell at times for the same manipulative techniques that she suffered as a child. It is a principle that the suffering that is not integrated gets passed on. The bond was naturally created by a powerful passionate love story between both of us. As a prolific writer and a very intelligent woman who had to be always right, she would need to control the narrative. Her community composed of codependent people with limited life experience and cut off from their own family would also mindlessly repeat everything that she was saying. People with different ideas would be cut off and pushed away. They would lose connection with her and her followers while she kept repeating in her teaching that connection was the most important thing in the world. After we divorced, when I came back to the Costa Rica retreat center that I had founded to pick-up my belongings, I had a zealous community member treat me like a criminal. And this was the very same member I had invited to our wedding two years prior and gave personally an opportunity to join our community.

What we are witnessing now with Covid-19 is mind-control at a massive, global scale. The bond is created by the fact that we are a social species, the respect we have for authority, experts, science and our dependence on the media. I was in France when I witnessed the transition from normal everyday life to total confinement in just 3 weeks. First, the media started speaking about the coronavirus non-stop to instill fear and prepare public opinion for compliance on the orders to come. All people with a different opinion from mainstream media would then be isolated, ridiculed, or marginalized as conspiracy theorists or even criminals endangering public health. Social contact became prohibited on the basis of safety. People disobeying the confinement would be fined 135 euros ($150) while repeated offenders could go to jail. The worst punishment is however the aggressive judgment aggressively from the GANP.

Most people are educated and rewarded to become good executants, soldiers and workers but not to think for themselves. Independent thinking is more and more scarce in a society where we are constantly flooded with new information. We are made to believe that we are free from dogma and live in a democracy as we have supposedly left behind religion and dictatorship to the benefit of science and reason, however in many ways, science has become the new cult. People blindly believe what is coming supposedly from science without verifying with a critical mind the hypotheses, mental processes and conclusions. Science has many interesting theories, but these theories need to be challenged. This is the principle of taking a scientific approach to a problem. If we just trust science blindly just because it comes from scientific experts with impressive degrees, then we are following the same pattern of a cult. I had 2 master degrees by age 22 and I have one of the best engineering diplomas from France so people cannot dismiss me on the basis of poor scientific education. Instead, the GANP are expressing their disappointment with me for not following mainstream beliefs considering my respected scientific background.

Actually, it is very hard to know the truth when we are just fed information that we cannot verify and this is why we are so easily manipulated. As you can see, I had to survive extreme mind control environments in my life. As a result, I created my own methods to assess the truth or more accurately my truth as unlike the GANP, I have no plan to impose my limited beliefs on others. The thoughts I express here are mine and I just hope this sharing will encourage others to think for themselves, and look for their own truth. Self-reliance, inner strength and resilience have come to me as part of this process. I will now apply the same principles of independent thinking to the current pandemic and share with you my personal insights.

First, I want to trust that I have directly experienced with my senses that include sight, feeling, intuition, hearing, touch, personal wisdom, cognitive abilities rather than information from a third party. Of course, it can be argued that we are subjective and this is why I will never impose my views on others. However, I know this direct experience is always the highest truth I have access to.

I am a social person and I know a huge number of people at a personal level. To this day, I do not have a single first degree connection affected by Covid-19. I had a friend who had a bad flu for a couple of weeks after a break-up. Things continued to get worse and she ended up in the hospital. She was tested for Covid-19 and the result came back negative but she was diagnosed with pneumonia. My 78-year-old French father has been sick for several weeks too. He asked to be tested and he was denied the test because they had a limited number of tests and would rather use them on younger people. One of my close friends in Utah had a bad flu for a couple of days but did not have the money to be tested or see a doctor and he recovered within a few days. But, so far, none of the people I know personally have been tested positive for Covid-19. However I have met a few people who knew personally some people who have been tested positive. A friend’s family member that was over 80 year old supposedly died from coronavirus in Louisiana with 2 other people in a nursing home. So in truth, I know very little at a personal level about this disease and it has had no direct impact on me and my loved ones. However, it has already had dramatic indirect impact: loss of social contact, loss of revenue, diminished assets, confinement, inability to travel, cancelled events, removal of civil liberties, etc… So from my own little world, Covid-19 is mostly simply an abstract concept that dramatically affected my life due to the decisions people made about it or more precisely the fear of it. In truth, I cannot disprove it is a hoax in complete certainty and I cannot disprove the opposite as well. I have no direct experience with it, only what I have read about it. So I am keeping an open-mind about it until I have direct experience such as contracting the disease myself. I have taken no additional precautions over the past months besides keeping a healthy lifestyle while I have continued to be in contact with a large variety of people.

If I cannot have a direct experience with the subject, I do facts checking and try to rely on my cognitive abilities. To me, it is far as reliable but this is the best I can do given the circumstances. However, with the absence of direct experience, I take everything with a grain of salt and in terms of probabilities. In a nutshell, here is what I can assert so far with a 80% probability:

There is an infectious respiratory disease called Covid-19 and it was reported that it has killed over 60,000 people worldwide. It is more contagious and more fatal than the flu. People are concerned about the exponential growth of the disease. So far, Covid19 shows a mortality rate about 10 times higher than the flu
Covid-19 severe cases are concentrated with people who have a compromised immune system. 99% of healthy people that get the coronavirus heal relatively quickly from it. The mortality rate of people infected with Covid19 with no pre-existing conditions is less than 1%
A number of personalities have died of the coronavirus. Almost all of them were old and suffering with other serious diseases
There is confusion in the numbers as it appears people are included in Covid19 mortality number even if they die from something else as long as they tested positive for the virus. The amount of flu or pneumonia related death dropped significantly during the same period of time which would indicate some bias
There are a number of different theories about the origin of the virus. Some argue it came from animals and others from a biological weapon lab in Wuhan (whether intentionally or accidentally)
It was reported that the healthcare system of most countries affected is saturated due to the rapid growth of the disease. It can be noted however that many countries’ hospitals were already overwhelmed and under-resourced before the pandemic. Citizen reporters are sharing with us on the opposite movie clips of empty hospitals. Unless I visit one of these hospitals myself, I have to acknowledge that I really do not know how this pandemic has affected healthcare systems across the globe
Chloroquine has been portrayed as a viable effective treatment when combined with antibiotics in the early stage of the development of the disease. The mayor of Nice Christian Estrosi and other public figures who underwent the treatment had a rapid recovery.

There are however a number of decisions that authorities have taken very rapidly that I am taking the liberty to challenge.

Is the extreme confinement that has been ordered in Italy, Spain and France really effective?

The facts would actually show the opposite.

Countries such as Italy, Spain and France with the most confinement continue to have the highest mortality rates. I understand that people would argue anyway that things would be much worse without confinement. In any case, I would like to see better and not worse outcomes in this case. Sweden and Japan are not enforcing confinement and are doing much better than the countries above
One of the most highly respected experts in respiratory disease Dr Raoult is arguing for another method. He is advocating to perform testing at a massive scale and only isolating the people who are vulnerable and the ones who are tested positive. He is also recommending reducing the time these people are contagious through a medical treatment. South Korea which has taken this approach shows mortality rates 100 times lower than the countries mentioned above
Confinement leads to social isolation, depression, idleness, financial stress, lack of physical exercise and contact with nature which we know weaken the immune system and actually make people more vulnerable to the virus. Dr Bruce Lipton speaks brilliantly about this
Social distancing and masks are not that effective against the propagation of the virus
Social distancing is creating a society where we are even more disconnected from each other which negatively impacts our immune system. People are now unable to attend spiritual service, entertainment or social events. While I understand the logic behind social distancing, it comes with a high cost to our emotional health
Professor Knut Wittkowski, a respected epidemiologist with 35 years experience, feels strongly that confinement is counter productive, and goes against what mainstream media and our politicians have been advocating. As he says, he is not paid by the government and believes in science rather than propaganda. By keeping our children home, we are preventing herd immunity so we are exposing ourselves to a second wave of the coronovirus in the fall. He states that this pandemic is not that very different that flu pandemics we get on a yearly basis

We have had much worse pandemics in the past.

The Black Death was the first major European outbreak of plague and the second plague pandemic. The Black Death is estimated to have killed 30% to 60% of Europe’s population. In total, the plague may have reduced the world’s population from an estimated 475 million to 350–375 million in the 14th century. The influenza pandemic of 1918-1919 killed more people than the Great War, known today as World War I (WWI), at somewhere between 20 and 40 million people while the population at that time was estimated at 1.8 billion. If Covid19 creates as much damage as the Spanish flu with our current world population, it means that the coronavirus should kill about 150 million people. We have got over 60,000 deaths (about 0.03% of the corresponding deaths of the Spanish flu) so far with Covid19 and even if the disease continues to spread exponentially, it is hard to believe we will even come close to the 1918 influenza pandemic numbers fortunately!

Let’s now examine some so-called conspiracy theories that are circulating over the Internet. I recommend taking a closer look at David Icke’s materials for the people who are interested in diving deeper into the topic as he has done some very extensive research in the last 30 years.

Is 5G linked in any way with Covid19?

Many people have suggested that there are higher concentrations of Covid19 cases in areas where 5G has been deployed. While this could very well be a coincidence, I am well aware of the fact that governments’ secret programs have developed very sophisticated mind control technology through electromagnetic waves over the past 50 years, one of them being HAARP. Most of the results of this research have been kept hidden from the public. I researched this topic while I was married to an individual who had been subjected to the most brutal mind control technologies as a child. A human being is nothing else than a complex electromagnetic field. We all know how much our environment can affect us. We feel very differently in an impoverished polluted environment than when we are surrounded with beautiful nature. The fact that a corrupt elite could use this existing mind control wave technology to fulfill their agenda is more than likely. Secret government programs such as Operation Paperclip or Project MKUltra have been well-documented and are not conspiracy theories anymore. There is ample information on the Internet about the correlation of 5G with the coronavirus. Some experts are linking the adoption of new wave technology with past pandemics such as the 1918 influenza or the Hong Kong flu. They are also stating that viruses are reactions of the poisoned cell that, in defense against the poison itself, secretes the viruses to allow the cell to survive. If this is the case, confinement and social distance is completely useless so we would have brought an economic collapse for no reason. We live in a digital soup and the radio-frequencies coming from all of our devices is clearly affecting us. It is a fact that there are many more cases in countries that have deployed 5G technologies. Fortunately, the human body is amazingly adaptive and most of us will be able to develop immunity to this type of radiation as we continue to raise our vibration. The technologies we have developed have improved our life dramatically but they can also lead us to enslavement. Rudolf Steiner the founder of the Waldorf education, biodynamics and anthroposophy stated as early as 1917 that man needed to increase his spiritual power to adapt to the increased electrification of the earth. I understand this type of knowledge is not for everyone. People need to study it and make up their own mind.

Child trafficking

Through my 3 year relationship with a woman who was raised in a satanic cult, I got to understand the sophisticated mind control technology currently available to these secret societies. From my perspective, the best books on the topic have been written by Svali, a former trainer of the Illuminati as it matched almost perfectly with the personal experiences of my former spouse. Through her direct account, I got to understand that one percent of the population is mind-controlled from birth, and placed in key places of society. Many politicians, pop stars, judges, top athletes, celebrities, journalists, TV and media presenters, actors, business and financial moguls are mind-controlled slaves. They may have everything on the outside: wealth, fame, beauty, talent but be the most miserable person behind the curtains as they struggle with severe PTSD coming from the traumatic programming of their childhood. According to my ex-wife, but also whistleblowers such Los Angeles FBI chief Ted Gunderson or Robert David Steele, hundreds of thousands of children are exploited every year in the US alone for the benefit of these secret societies. Children are tested for special abilities through brutal training and testing. The ones that succeed become mind-controlled slaves who will be inserted in key places of society while the others will be used in pedophile rings or sacrificed in satanic rituals. For these shadow organizations, children are treated with even less humanity than pigs in a slaughterhouse. People stay mostly unaware of this terrible truth as most children come from “breeders” (cult members programmed to give birth to children to be used by the cult), orphanages or the foster care system. The whole world is shutting down because we have supposedly over 60,000 coronavirus deaths of people with an already compromised immune system, while we are oblivious to the vicious extermination and exploitation of millions of children across the globe every year. This truth is so disturbing that most people will dismiss it as a conspiracy theory. I was no different until I started a personal relationship with one of these satanic cult survivors.

Martial law, house arrest and group gathering prohibition

The pandemic has created conditions that any warmongers would have dreamed of. Curfew is imposed, and people are forbidden to meet. By extension, demonstrations are not allowed any more and fearful citizens are rallying behind their corrupt leadership. People in many countries are limited to one visit per week outside their home for basic necessities. Citizens are required to carry certificates if they go outside their home at the risk of getting important fines and even of getting arrested in case of repeated offense. Most people are happily complying with the sudden disappearance of personal freedom because they are made to believe that they are saving lives this way. All this is done without much data. Actually the countries with the strictest confinement rules are showing the most deaths at this point. Japan and Sweden are doing much better than Italy, France or Spain. We are now at war against an invisible enemy that justifies the removal of our civil liberties. This reminds me of the US government war on drugs by Richard Nixon whose aim was really to remove the competition and give a monopoly for the US shadow government to smuggle drugs into the USA to finance its black budget. This war on drugs achieved very little and on the contrary boosted the jail population to about 10 million people in the US by 2008 helping many unscrupulous individuals to get rich and profiting from the misery of others.

Destruction of small businesses

Employees are far more controllable than entrepreneurs. They need to comply with a top down hierarchical structure to keep their means of subsistence. While this is not always the case, strict compliance to a role is favored over creativity in large corporations or institutions. People lose their individuality to fulfill a corporate role. Most employees experience the fear of losing their job or the frustration of feeling controlled by a supervisor. Entrepreneurs feel more fulfilled and creative though their personal freedom comes with the price of hard-work and accountability. By shutting down all restaurants, lodges, stores, or any business dependent upon human interaction, the small businesses are the most impacted while the large corporations are here to profit. Amazon hired 100,000 more employees to meet with the increased demand due to the pandemic while small businesses are forced to shut down with almost no compensation. By enforcing strict confinement, our governments are destroying millions of small businesses while providing nothing in return. This can be equated to a forest fire that eventually will profit to the big trees, i.e. the large corporations. The large corporations are controlled by these same 1% or secret societies so it provides considerable advantage for the corrupt elite to enslave the masses by making them dependent financially. Dependent people are less likely to contest authority.

The stimulus package will impoverish the middle class even more

People naively think that the government stimulus package will save them. What would you think of a household that is already $230,000 in debt but only making $30,000 a year? Would you lend them another $20,000? Surely not if you were a bank. Well, this is the state of the US government. The US already has a $23 trillion dollar deficit but total tax revenue in any given year hardly exceeds $3 trillion dollars. It means that any US taxpayer owes the government $200,000 so the taxes that US citizens pay are really just paying interest on the money borrowed by the US government to the federal reserve, which is actually a private institution owned by invisible financial moguls. When the US government creates a stimulus package of $2.2 trillion dollars, it actually takes $20,000 from the pocket of every US tax payer. While Trump is insisting that the stimulus checks should have his name on them, this money is not coming from him but from all of us! This is not free money. All of this money printing will weaken the value of the dollar and will eventually decrease the purchasing power of all Americans. Unless small businesses are allowed to reopen soon, most of this money printing will end up in the pockets of large corporations and financial institutions. This will contribute even more to the disappearance of the middle class and we will be only be left with a privileged but controlled 1% and 99% of working poor and destitute people. The same logic can be applied to most European countries.

Vaccines and RFID

The media has already instilled a lot of fear in people to prepare them to accept any solution that will be presented to them. Along the lines of the movie Contagion starring Matt Damon, Jude Law, Kate Winslet, Gwyneth Paltrow and Marion Cotillard, all the people become desperate for a vaccine that they see as their only means for survival as per the propaganda. The media is already brainwashing the people into viewing vaccination as the holy grail. The concept of vaccination is a big debate in our society and I encourage people to make up their own mind about it. Mandatory vaccination is however a significant infringement on our most fundamental freedom. On a personal level, I do not trust the science behind vaccination and I will do everything in my power to avoid the future coronavirus vaccine. We now have the technology to insert RFID chips during vaccination and I simply do not trust the people in power to do anything without a hidden agenda. The governing powers are arguing that people without the vaccine are dangers to society as they could contaminate others. This reasoning is flawed as if their vaccine was that effective, vaccinated people would be immune to the disease so could not be contaminated. Starting with Bill Gates and Anthony Faucy, the elite that is promoting vaccination should be vaccinated first to put their money where their mouth is. Chip implant will make us no different than the pets or livestock that are already RFID’d.

Bill Gates

In one of Silicon Valley I founded, I had a CTO for 7 years that worked closely with Bill Gates. His boss reported directly to Bill Gates and my CTO used to have frequent interactions with Bill Gates. According to him, Bill Gates would often get into rages and use foul language with his employees. However, the public image of Bill Gates is very different. The media is portraying him as a stable and cool-headed individual, an innovator and a philanthropist. However things do not add up. Why would someone put so much energy to project an image of himself that he is not? Steve Jobs may have been a jerk but never tried to be someone that he is not. Microsoft had a poor reputation in the industry before, stealing ideas from others and practicing unethical business practices to crush the competition. After retiring from Microsoft, Bill Gates created a group of billionaires dedicated to spend their fortune to better humanity. However, his fortune (now over $100B) keeps increasing instead of decreasing while he vaccines the world away! How is that possible? He was close to Jeffrey Epstein who was conveniently suicided after being indicted for leading a prostitution and pedophile ring. He came from a wealthy family and his father had important ties with some of the most powerful American families. He warned the public years before about the pandemic to come in very exact terms. Is he simply a visionary or did he contribute to the problem in the first place? Now, he is omnipresent on the news as the media try to portray him as our new savior. He is pushing an agenda of mass vaccination and very strict confinement. It feels like he has groomed for a new and important role in the NWO for a long-time.

Cashless society

Conveniently, central banks and big tech companies are trying to push the agenda of a cashless society by stating that physical bank notes can be a carrier of the coronavirus. While there are benefits to a cashless society, there is too much at risk considering the level of depravity and corruption of the people in power. Using artificial intelligence, they could then instantaneously freeze the assets of anyone opposing their views on the basis of national security. Money is power, and there is already too much power into the wrong hands.

The New World Order (NWO)

Technology has reached a level of sophistication that it is now possible to create an Orwellian state. Artificial Intelligence and social media can be used to precisely identify the political views and interests of any citizen. Most of us are astonished at the accuracy of the online ads we receive on a daily basis. 5G networks make it possible to transmit a much larger amount of data for analysis and citizen tracking. More and more money circulation is electronic and can be easily followed. Is the coronavirus pandemic used to implement the last stages of a new technocracy? Will all people refusing to accept the NWO become marginalized in this new society?

The topics above are quite controversial and I have mentioned them to provoke people’s critical thinking. I will now address issues that cannot be contested from my perspective

When the remedy of the problem becomes far worse than the problem itself!

Economic collapse

With over 1 billion people confined in their own home, we are creating an economic collapse that will be the worst one of our lifetime. This is nothing else than a planned demolition of economies all over the world. Confinement is a luxury of the rich. When confinement is applied in developing countries such as India, Philippines or many African countries, it condemns to starvation large sections of the population that are incapacitated to earn any income. Desperate people take desperate actions. Civil unrest follows which can then justify brutal actions from authoritarian regimes. We may even create the conditions for a global conflict. I do not think I am taking any risk in saying that the controlled demolition of the worldwide economy will create more death than the pandemic itself.

Fear compromises the immune system

Most countries’ media are now instilling fear in people about the threat of the coronavirus 24/7. Because of this propaganda, most people are getting obsessed with being infected with the virus. As soon as they do not feel well, they immediately imagine the worst and dying a horrible death from Covid19. Dr Bruce Lipton is speaking eloquently on how the fear of the coronavirus has created much more damage than the disease itself. In the medical field, we need to account for the placebo effect when testing for drug efficacy because we understand that health starts with the mind. At least 5% of all diseases are estimated to be psychosomatic. People are not only getting worried for their health but they are now getting overly stressed financially because of the economic collapse triggered by strict confinement. House arrest combined very limited physical and social activities is creating conditions that considerably weakens the immune system of the population.

How the current pandemics reflects the complete powerlessness of the human collective consciousness

People have forgotten their true nature and how powerful they actually are. They see life as random and tragedies happening for no reason. They have forgotten that we live in a divinely orchestrated universe. After over 30 years of exploration and personal experiences, I can say without a doubt that the body cannot become sick unless there is dysfunction in our mental or emotional bodies. Our immune system is our best ally and not external drugs or vaccines. Prevention is always better than cure. I do recommend taking a promising treatment such as Dr Raoult’s chloroquine in severe cases but you will see adverse effects with any drug treatment. It is about assessing if the benefits of the treatment are higher than the risk. We increase our immune system vitality through physical exercises, good sleep, healthy diet, being in nature, exposure to sunlight, meditation, shadow work when difficult emotions emerge, being creative and social contact. As long as we keep a high vibrational state, we cannot be a match to any virus. Paul Micheal Glaser was the famous cop Starsky in the 70’s household TV series Starky & Hutch. He continued to have sexual intercourse with his wife Elizabeth even after he knew she was diagnosed with AIDS. He never contracted the disease. He had so much love for his wife that he never believed that she could give him anything that could harm him. Social distancing with loved ones is actually damaging to our immune system because we are a social species. We need to connect, to touch and to love. To love and to be loved will continue to be our most fundamental need even before food. We have much more power over our health and vitality than we could ever imagine. Many cancer survivors say that cancer is the best thing that happened to them because it forced them to re-evaluate their life and switch to a healthy lifestyle. Life is not random, and if we catch the coronavirus, let it be our teacher like any other hardship that has affected our life. Whether the coronavirus was man-made or an act of nature to reflect our harmful actions, it is at the end the same. We have become a match to that experience for a reason. By taking a holistic and introspective approach, we can gain from this global tragedy. In anything negative, there is always a positive intent and it is up to us to create meaning from this experience to grow in wisdom and self-awareness. Respiratory diseases are connected to the dysfunction of the heart chakra and I invite all of you to meditate upon this. I would just add that a society based on the exploitation of earth resources, animals and people goes fundamentally against unity consciousness.

There are worse things than death

We can see people’s true character when they are under pressure. I have always liked Wayne Dyer’s analogy that you know what a fruit is made of when it is squeezed. So when we are squeezed and pushed to our limits, what comes out of us? Love or selfishness? Anger or kindness? Depression or fighting spirit? During my spiritual explorations over the last 30 years, I got to realize that self-love and spiritual enlightenment is one and the same. For this reason, I have committed not to take any actions that will impede my ability to love myself, such as profiting from other people’s distress, lying to myself, lacking personal integrity or intentionally hurting another human being. Dying an honorable man is more important to me than surviving as a scelerat. We are on earth for a very short time anyway. Let’s make it worthwhile. The rush towards buying toilet paper, foods and weapons are indicative that most people are willing to lose their soul out of the fear of survival. Once we connect to our true nature, this type of short-cuts cease to be appealing.

Our hyper reactivity of the coronavirus pandemic is indicative of our selfishness.

We freak out about catching the coronavirus and we show no concern for the millions of children dying of starvation, for the raging wars in Syria, the flooding in Bangladesh or the earthquake in Haiti while they have caused so much more human casualty. But, when we are made to believe that anyone of us can get Covid19 and die a horrible death, only then so we start paying attention. This shows the lack of empathy of our society towards each other, and how self-centered we actually are.

Some GANP did not hesitate to say I should die or get severely sick from Covid-19 to dare contesting the mainstream media narrative. Death is the great mystery. This personality and this body eventually dies and if it is my time, I will accept it but not without a fight as I love life. I am not willing to stay alive at all costs however. I believe in the aspect of me that is immortal, life itself that is everywhere, eternal, always mutating and changing. Life always finds balance and unity. I have had spiritual experiences that have convinced me that love is the greatest force of the universe. Hardship and life challenges make us more humble, trusting and stronger. I simply refuse to live life from fear and control. There is always a choice. We can wake up to our true nature or alternatively become a piece of machinery in the gigantic matrix based on profiteering and the illusion of separateness. We can believe in unity consciousness or exploitation. The choice is ours. No one can take away your freedom unless you allow them to do so. Even if your external freedom is seriously infringed, there is always a way to keep your internal freedom and to stay true to your core values.

Part I – Pathological defense and coping mechanisms

June 21, 2019January 25, 2020 / vaillantgicqueau / 4 Comments

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Life as a human being is tough, and we are often given more than we can handle. When under stress, our psyche is determined to help us stay safe so that we may survive and overcome challenges coming our way. There is a large variety of common defense mechanisms that we employ to protect the ego, and they operate at an unconscious level to help ward off unpleasant feelings. Our defense mechanisms are another way we cope with anxieties. In psychoanalysis terms, coping mechanisms arise because we feel threatened, or because our id or superego (in psychoanalytic terms) becomes too demanding. Some psychologists differentiate between defense and coping mechanisms. According to them, a defense mechanism is unconscious and automatic, while a coping mechanism is a conscious attempt from the psyche to deal with a difficult situation.

Ego-defense mechanisms are natural and normal. We will always be using them when external situations that feel threatening and outside our control arise. As we grow older and hopefully wiser, our goal is to respond with more mature and adequate defense mechanisms.

On the other hand, because of past traumas, and unhealed aspects of ourselves, we are often displaying defense mechanisms that are not adapted to our external reality. In this situation, most of the focus has to be on releasing and healing the past traumas to minimize and eventually eliminate the trigger of the defense mechanism.

Finally, our lack of self-love, personal honesty, and self-awareness are responsible for many other maladapted defense mechanisms. The ego is terrified to see its shadows and will do anything to avoid seeing the truth about itself.

Initially, before changing anything, we need to develop an awareness of the coping mechanisms we use and observe our psyche without judgment. Eventually, through self-observation, we will be able to respond with better-adapted defense mechanisms to enjoy a happier and more fulfilling life.

Not all defense or coping mechanisms are created equal. We can categorize them in four main categories:

Pathological: There is a loss of contact with reality. We are in the realm of noticeable mental illness and irrationality. There is potential danger, harm or abuse for the individual and the people surrounding him/her.
Neurotic: Fairly common in adults, it offers short-term advantages in coping, but can often cause serious long-term problems in relationships, work and in enjoying life over the long run.
Immature: Acceptable with adolescents, they are unfortunately far too common with adults who have not developed their emotional intelligence and self-awareness. They are maladapted to the environment and the external reality.
Mature: They are only found with adults with high EQ, and they optimize success in life and relationships. They are respectful of others. They promote personal integration, resilience, creativity, learning and wisdom.

Part I – Pathological defense mechanisms

Delusional projection, paranoia, grandiosity

Delusional projection, paranoia, grandiosity

This is often found in schizophrenia. The person lives in her/his own imaginary reality and is suffering from grossly frank delusions about external reality, often of persecutory nature. It is often found in cult leaders who have adopted a grandiose idea of the self, and are looking for weak followers to adopt their insane beliefs. For example, using my own personal experience, Robert Burton from the Fellowship of Friends believed he was an angel trapped in a human body. During dinner, he would often leave an empty space for his « buddy » Leonardo Da Vinci whom he saw as his divine father. I have another acquaintance who sees himself fighting evil forces with the Son of God. According to him, he constantly fights antichrists, vampires, demons and hundreds of thousands of Chinese, American and Nazi soldiers but he feels relieved having 100,000 pages of prayers to help him (his own words). I also had a former girlfriend who was convinced I was attacking her psychically after we broke up.

Splitting

Splitting, also called black-and-white thinking or all-or-nothing thinking, is the failure in a person’s thinking to bring together the dichotomy of both positive and negative qualities of the self and others into a cohesive, realistic whole. It is quite common in romantic relationships where the object of love often turns into an object of hate. People suffering from borderline personality disorder will have a tendency to see their partner, as all good at the start of the relationship, or all bad, typically after the relationship is over to deal with their fear of abandonment. Brad Pitt was Angelina Jolie’s soul mate but after they separated, she could only see a child abuser in him. The person using splitting carries an enormous amount of shame and has low self-esteem. As a result, they are unable to see their own shadow and will project it back to the former lover or close friend. Splitting is also one of the marks of parental alienation. The alienating parent’s weak ego can only identify with the positive aspects of being a protector so s/he will turn the children into victims in order to make the targeted parent a dangerous perpetrator. Splitting is a defense mechanism that helps to attach to someone, detach from someone and deal with the anxiety related to rejection and abandonment as we are wired to run away from the bad and dangerous person, and bond with the nice and safe person.

Extreme projection

People are so afraid of their own physical, moral, or psychological deficiency that they project it onto another individual or a group. This is also known as scapegoating. Adolf Hitler was a repressed homosexual for most of his life but he arrested over 100,000 of his fellow gay and lesbian German subjects on the basis of their sexual orientation. The most homophobic people are often homosexual themselves. This type of defense mechanism where we project onto others what we do not want to see in ourselves is also called reaction formation. Sometimes, multiple defense mechanisms are at play at the same time. In family systems, parents will project their good parts onto the golden child while projecting their shadows onto the identified patient, who serves as a scapegoat for the whole family. One of my former girlfriends, who survived horrendous abuse in her childhood, started seeing me towards the end of our relationship as her childhood abuser and a dangerous psychopath. By the same token, the most jealous people are often the ones having affairs on the side.

Denial

It is the refusal to accept external reality because it is too threatening. We ignore anxiety-provoking thoughts by stating they are invalid. In the BBC documentary The Secret Swami, Isaac Tigrett, the founder of Hard Rock Café, stated that he believed that there was truth to the rumors of Sathya Sai Baba’s actions of pedophilia and sexual abuse towards thousands of his young male followers. But he also stated that such behavior would not change his faith in Sai Baba as he had to preserve his self image and his relationship with the guru he had donated over $100 million. All cult members rely heavily on denial to turn the other way when confronted with overwhelming evidence of the deviance of their guru. Children raised with an abusive parent also resort to denial to make this parent safe to feel safe themselves. I had an acquaintance who was sexually abused by her father all of her childhood and she still believed that no one in this world had loved her more than her father. In 2015, 12 years after the infamous invasion of Irak, still half of Republicans believed that weapons of mass destruction were found in Irak.

Addiction

Addiction is a psychological and physical inability to stop an activity or consuming a substance, even though it is causing psychological and physical harm. There are various degrees of addictions, and in its light form, it can be considered neurotic but the addiction can unfortunately often take a pathological turn. The most common addictions are alcoholism, smoking, drugs (both illicit and prescription drugs), overeating, gambling, sex, coffee, video games, workaholism and social media. I covered this topic in-depth previously. People, politicians and institutions often fail to realize that the addiction is only a symptom or a coping mechanism and not the core issue. As a consequence, in order to heal, we need to look and heal the emotional dynamic that the addiction is trying to block. Addiction to smoking is often linked to premature weaning, which resulted in poor self-image. Substance abuse is usually connected with the fear of being alone, and feeling disconnected with people. Genuine healing can take time so going to a less harmful coping mechanism can help tremendously too. Many alcoholics who were destroying their lives and those around them have turned to dogmatic religions (ex. Born Again Christian). This still represents a big improvement in their quality of life.

Self harm

self harm, cutting — hand with fresh and old scars of self destroyer

Nonsuicidal self-injury, often simply called self-injury, is the act of deliberately harming your own body, such as cutting or burning yourself. It is typically not meant as a suicide attempt but rather a drastic way to cope with extreme emotional pain, intense anger and frustration. One can only fathom the degree of emotional pain one must experience to feel release or even pleasure in self-mutilation. Unfortunately, while self-injury may bring a momentary sense of calm and a release of tension, it’s usually followed by the shame provoked by this behavior and the return of painful emotions. Teal Swan who used to be a cutter as a way to cope from a very traumatic childhood is one of the rare few who dared to talk about this taboo subject.

Stockholm syndrome

Harmless victims feel so powerless in the hands of their perpetrators that they develop a psychological alliance with their abuser as a survival strategy. As they see their perpetrator as all-powerful, there is nowhere to hide. Unconditional compliance feels unconsciously the only way to stay alive. Patty Hearst, the granddaughter of publisher William Randolph Hearst, was taken and held hostage by the Symbionese Liberation Army, “an urban guerilla group”, in 1974. She was recorded denouncing her family as well as the police under her new name, “Tania”, and was later seen working with the SLA to rob banks in San Francisco. She publicly asserted her sympathetic feelings towards the SLA and their pursuits as well. It took years of therapy for satanic ritual abuse poster child Teal Swan before she could acknowledge that her abuser was not her real father. A lighter and more common form of the Stockholm syndrome will get people with abusive parents to select similarly abusive partners in their adult life. Their wires have been crossed, as they had to create the association danger=love to survive their early life of mistreatment.

Excessive control, dominance, jealousy and possession

A person may feel so powerless from within, that they may compensate by exercising absolute control over other human beings, and sometimes animals. The most common form is the jealous husband or wife who gets into rage if their spouse speaks with someone of the opposite gender. They have an innate need to control all aspects of their spouses’ life. This control can also be seen in cases of parental alienation where the alienating parent is exercising full emotional control of their children, who have become their narcissistic objects. The same behaviors can be witnessed in the workplace where an authoritative boss is dictating the life of their employees for his/her personal benefit rather than advancing the company vision. Harvey Weinstein used his position in the movie business to sexually assault hundreds of young actresses such as Salma Hayek, Angelina Jolie or Gwyneth Paltrow. Cult leaders fall into the same category as they take full control of their disciples’ life for their personal benefit. In the David Berg’s cult Children of God, women were nothing short of slaves. In addition of raising children, taking care of the household, cooking, cleaning, they had to give themselves willingly to the elders (“sexual sharing”) and at night, they had to enroll new members prostituting themselves if required (“flirty fishing”). Dictators have the most negative impact with this pathological coping mechanism as they exercise absolute control over entire states. Colonel Muammar al-Gaddafi who was Libya’s supreme leader for 34 years was one of these despicable human beings, but there are so many more today creating hell for their subjects. Actually, there are 50 countries in the world with autocratic government and this contributes to billions of people’s misery.

Demonic possession

This is a more controversial defense mechanism that I am listing here however I have personally witnessed it on numerous occasions. Demonic possession has both terrified and fascinated humankind since the beginning of time, and this is why so many movies have been inspired by it. Under very severe stress or abuse, the front personalities may vacate the body, leaving an empty shell for demonic entities to take over. It is a defense mechanism, because it is a desperate attempt to survive by exiting the current reality. Unfortunately, when the front personalities come back into the body, they typically have to face, with indescribable shame, the horrible actions committed by the dark entities in their absence. Actually, many serial killers say that they were possessed by a demon that takes control of them when they are about to commit their heinous crimes. This type of personality dissociation is well known of satanic cults that use torture and the most extreme of sexual and physical abuse to insert demonic entities in children to transform them into obedient mind-controlled slaves. I became more aware of this sad reality as I fell in love with a woman that had been abused by a satanic cult all of her childhood.

Psychopathy

Similar to a sociopath, a psychopath has lost all ability for empathy because of repeated and extreme childhood traumas. Whereas a sociopath is still striving to be a good and a moral person from their mind, the psychopath is immoral and has given up on restraining his dark pulsions. He has typically formed some insane dogma to justify his deviant actions. An example of this can be found in the book Mein Kampf that Hitler wrote before he took control of Germany. Because the psychopath has fully disconnected from his heart, he is also fully disconnected from other people and sees them as separate of himself. This is the basis of Satanic cults where exploitation and vampirism are seen as a way to get stronger and more powerful. In this gloomy view of the universe, energy is limited and each one of us is alone so needs to use others as objects for personal gratification. Psychopaths have very deep buried traumas within them but they have completely shut down so as not to feel them. They only feel alive when they torture, abuse and brutalize their victims to mirror the internal aspects of them that are in hell. The more horror they perform, the more they disconnect emotionally to cope with the little left of their conscience and the more deviant they get. A tragic dismal path of destruction surrounds them.

Read part II – Neurotic defense mechanisms

Moving from a dysfunctional codependent relationship to a conscious one – Part II

May 30, 2019March 23, 2020 / vaillantgicqueau / 3 Comments

Light at the end of the tunnel, finally a conscious relationship

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Read part I

Even after many years of struggles in codependent and abusive relationships, it is possible to mature into a conscious relationship. Once the lessons have been learned, we finally see light at the end of the tunnel. Intimate relationships have been a source of torment, despair, frustration and powerlessness. They now become the most beautiful part of our life. Our life deepens and we get to experience the purity of the love within our heart through the most magnificent mirror of romantic connection. What does this relationship feel like?

1. Personal Work

Because of the law of attraction, the partner we love is the mirror of who we are, mostly the unexpressed aspects. Therefore, the better person we become, the better partner we will attract. A beautiful and enjoyable romantic partnership can only be the mirror of genuine self-love. For this reason, inner work is and will continue to be the biggest factor in attracting, loving and keeping this special person.

In a conscious relationship, we remember that our partner is a mirror. When they trigger us, we remember they are helping us to become aware of unsavory aspects we have repressed. We enjoy the good times, and we go into introspection during the challenging times to learn and become a better version of ourselves. If we think the behavior of our loved one has nothing to do with us, then we will not have strong reactions. We can either be supportive or feel indifferent, and lose interest. But if we are triggered, then we can be assured that it is about us. With experience, we learn to discriminate more and more accurately what is our stuff, and what is their stuff when a conflict arises. And we learn to discuss it in a vulnerable way to increase self-awareness and intimacy.

We learn to be alone while not feeling lonely. We do not need someone to complete ourselves. We do not need to marry someone to relive our childhood traumas. We are no longer afraid to be abandoned or betrayed. We understand that love is within us and not outside. So even if a breakup occurs, we know for certain that after we have grieved, the love within us will manifest an even better partner than before. This works as automatically as a sick body will eventually get healthy because health is our natural state of balance as we follow our inner guidance and get enough rest. We are able to make the best decisions for the relationship and ourselves because we are not driven anymore by the fear of ending up alone.

The people in a relationship are more important than the relationship itself. While it is wonderful to enjoy longevity in a relationship, we understand that there is no guarantee. As human beings, we keep changing and growing and sometimes people grow in different directions. It does not make anyone wrong, though the process of uncoupling can be so painful. We can only share happiness with our beloved if we are happy ourselves. To keep sacrificing oneself is not sustainable. We need to put our self first with the sincere hope that our partner will want to stick around, and we understand that they need to put them self first too. We understand the fragility of romantic love, as it requires so many conditions to truly blossom. For this reason, we never take it for granted and revel in every moment of deep intimacy. Sometimes, we love our partner so much that we understand that it is best for us to step away if we see that we are limiting their growth.

As we accept the free will of our partner, we are able to experience a new form of love that is not possessive. We do not feel threatened by the growth of our partner, thinking they may leave if they outgrow us. On the opposite side, we want them to reach their full potential. We understand that the love can only get better as each partner commits to becoming the best they can be. We want to experience two hearts that choose to love each other in complete freedom, a love that is genuinely unconditional. We accept that our partner may say no to us at times. It could be no to joining on an activity, no to sex, no to help us out, no to an external commitment and we trust them that they have taken our best interest in consideration. We work on our own abandonment or self-esteem issues or insecurities when this happens without attempting to manipulate them.

We commit to know ourselves and to be authentic. We commit to own both our light and shadow. Unless we know who we are, we appear unpredictable and unsafe to our partner. As we acquire self-knowledge, we understand our core needs and we are able to communicate effectively about them. We are honest, we act with integrity and we have healthy boundaries. When we have a conflicting need, we find a creative way for both partners to get their needs met.

The more we own our shadow, the more we can create a container for our partner’s shadow so that we can both bring more of ourselves into the relationship for deeper intimacy. The more we own our shadow, the less likely it is for any shame to disrupt the relationship. The more we own our shadow, the better we can support our partner’s emotional healing without judgment.

2. Building a life together

While the commitment to self comes first as it is the healthy foundation for anything we bring into our life, a relationship takes nurturing and commitment. A romantic partnership is like a beautiful flower that needs its daily intake of nutrients, good soil, sun, and water. An intimate connection is the co-creation of two individuals. It is a third entity in addition of the two individuals, not an entity that is supposed to overthrow the same individuals that brought it to life in the first place.

Take it Slow. It takes time to know a person. People have a tendency to move too fast together after having sex. Sexual chemistry may be irresistible at first but it will eventually wane off as incompatibilities surface. Sexual attraction is an indicator of the potential of a relationship for personal growth, while compatibility is the best indicator for longevity. Genuine trust is built slowly through repetition. Taking any step back in a committed relationship is very damaging so it is better to advance slowly but surely. Only commit when you are ready to do it, but then be consistent.

Become an expert on other person. We tend to forget it but the main reason to be in a relationship is to love and to be loved, to experience joy and happiness. Therefore, the better we know our partner, the easier it is for us to make them feel loved. It is critical to know their love language, how they feel appreciated, what opens their heart, how they feel cared for. The more you bring joy into their lives, the more your partner will feel inspired to reciprocate if s/he is not narcissistic. Be curious and keep asking questions to know your partner better every day. We should give at least five times more compliments than constructive feedback on how our partner’s behavior is affecting us negatively.

In its lower form, sex can be used for control and a way to release negativity. However, when used consciously, the benefits are immense. The regular mixing of Yin & Yang sexual energy of two lovers is excellent to their health. Sex can become a sacred ritual when the energy from the genitals gets refined in each subsequent chakra to eventually open the crown chakra. It allows the lovers to experience ego death in a divine embrace. It opens the door to some of the highest pleasures we are able to experience on this earth. It promotes playfulness and intimacy. It brings heaven on earth.

Many of us make the mistake of loving romantic partners for their potential and not for what they are today. While people can change, this is a long process so this type of expectation puts unnecessary stress onto the relationship. To truly love someone is to love his or her shortcomings. This makes it a safe place for our partner to grow without shame. We are able to see and love the whole person, without idealizing or demonizing him or her.

A conscious intimate relationship is the experience of togetherness without losing oneself in the process. It is the merging of freedom with responsibility and commitment.

We give without expecting anything in return. Unless absolutely necessary, we only do things for our partner when it comes from our heart to keep the relationship pure and unconditional. And by doing so, we raise our vibration and we move our center of gravity from the ego to the heart, to experience life at a much higher level.

We focus on creating joy and happiness for our partner. More and more, their bliss becomes our own, and their smile reflects the delight of our heart. We have no need to claim our value because it is already there as we wonder at the love in their eyes.

We strive to be sensitive towards our partner and we extend the same concern to our close ones. We ensure to be on the same page, and if we are not, we at least become aware that we are not. We are patient and understanding in solving our differences.

Self-improvement means encouraging and feeding the highest aspects within us, and starving the unsavory ones. We need to have the same commitment towards our partner. When a shadow aspect manifests but we do not feel our partner could take the constructive feedback, just ignore this aspect in silence. But under no circumstance should we feed their shadow otherwise it will come back to bite us. I once had a partner who had megalomaniac tendencies. I would be encouraging but never to the point where her ego could take the better of her. Unfortunately, she had a manager that was in love with her, and would continuously put her on a pedestal. He used her shadow to make her leave me so that he could get married with her. However, he is now the one who has to deal with the monster he has created.

3. Communication

There cannot be a relationship without communication. Communication can be verbal and non verbal. Communication is what harmonizes the uniqueness of two individuals so that a third entity, the relationship, may be created. The quality of your relationship is first determined by the quality of your communication. Communication is the invisible thread that makes the dance of relationships possible.

When our partner talks to us, we figure out the best course of action. Do they just need to vent? Do they need their pain to be validated? Do they need to be felt, seen and understood through active listening? Do they need to feel protected and loved? Are they actually looking for advice? (rarely) Do they want to explore a philosophical subject? (rarely)

We strive towards achieving the best balance in sharing our problems and worries. We share vulnerably what troubles us for deeper intimacy, however we are careful not to overwhelm our partner with our challenges. We develop a sense of how much our partner is able to handle without being dragged down. If they get triggered, they will make our state worse and not better anyway. We accept the fact that our partner has limitations just as we have limitations. We put our individual problems into the right container, as we understand our partner is sacred and should not be the recipient of our own dysfunction. We make it a priority to share the positive aspects of life over the struggles. We develop a habit to see the glass half full rather than half empty without living in denial.

In the medical profession, the Hippocratic oath teaches us to abstain from all intentional wrongdoing and harm. I believe the same applies to intimate relationships. While it is impossible never to hurt an intimate partner that is so close to us, we commit never to do it intentionally. And if we do hurt them, we become introspective so as to understand on how not to do it anymore. On the opposite, we commit to do everything in our power to bring more joy and happiness into their life.

Kindness is the antidote for shame. Kindness promotes safety in the relationship. When communication and interaction with our beloved is infused with kindness, we relax. We need less time alone to recharge because we are able to do it even more effectively in their quiet presence. Kindness allows an intimate relationship to become a refuge.

Authenticity comes with responsibility. We become aware how speaking our truth or acting from our authentic self may negatively impact our partner. We anticipate their reaction so that we can best communicate about our needs while minimizing negative impact for them. For example, if you have an urge to climb the Himalayas, you do it in a way that will guarantee your safety and at a time when your spouse can have extra support at home with the children.

Please be careful with what you are committing to because a broken promise can permanently damage the trust in the relationship. Trust is the foundation of intimate relationships. It takes one hundred consistent positive actions to earn trust but one failed promise can demolish everything. So be aware of your limitations. I recently saw a young couple where the woman was struggling with sexual inhibition because of a traumatic past of sexual objectification. We realized that she needed more space for her sexual healing so the young man committed never to initiate sex anymore and that he would leave it entirely to her. This idea came from a noble aspect of him however he was unaware of other parts of him that were unable to hold this promise. As a result, I suggested that they schedule sex once a week intentionally and leave the rest to her. This way, he will not be completely starved sexually and he could more easily create the space she needed for her sexual healing.

A relationship agreement is a wonderful way to clarify in writing how a couple can maximize happiness for each other. It brings focus and consistency in their efforts to nurture the relationship. It needs to be light and flexible for spontaneous love but precise enough to foster commitment. I encourage the couple to write an update of the relationship agreement every year as people keep changing and evolving. It should however never be used as an instrument of control, but as a gentle reminder for the partners’ dedication to love each other in the best way possible.

4. Conflict resolution

Shame is like a hot potato. We throw it at each other because we are afraid to get burnt. Arguments escalate the same way as we throw back and forth the burning shame to each other. Here is an example. The husband arrives late from a long day at work and a business dinner with clients. Wife says “The kids were acting crazy tonight. I am exhausted. I hate living with an absent husband. You are never here with us”. The husband feels ashamed. It triggers his self-worth issues so he responds “Well, there needs to be someone here to pay for the mortgage, and your weekly visit to the hairdresser”. Now this triggers the wife’s insecurities that she is not good enough, and she feels guilty to take care of herself so she goes into a fit of rage. Owning the shame is what breaks this circle. The husband could have simply responded “Yes, I feel bad that I let you down tonight again. I understand you need a caring husband on your side to raise our beautiful children. I am sorry”. Then she may vent a little bit more her frustration but there is no more escalation. This couple can come close again.When we need to give feedback on something that is bothering us in the relationship, we have to learn to do it in a vulnerable way and by taking full responsibility for our feelings. “I cannot stand my life with an absent husband. You are never here with us” becomes “I am struggling with the fact that you are so busy at work. I feel I am distancing myself from you because we do not spend enough time connecting with each other”. “You are such a nagging bitch” becomes “I am starting to struggle with my self-worth because I feel I cannot make you happy no matter hard I try. I am starving for appreciation and connection”. “You are so selfish and only thinking of yourself when you have sex with me” becomes “I felt very alone and objectified when we had sex last night. I am starving for a deeper connection between us. I want to feel that we care as much for each others pleasure as we do our own”. This approach mitigates shame and allows for the beginning of a conscious discussion instead of an argument.

A relationship is fragile, and has potential dangers from outside (life circumstances and other relationships) or inside (incompatibilities). The couple cannot be naïve about them and instead should develop full awareness of what is menacing their union. Some of these negative external influences could be: toxic in-laws, friends not in support of the relationship, difficult stepchildren brainwashed by a jealous ex, a very demanding boss, health or financial issues, or civil unrest. Relationship threats related to various incompatibilities are even more challenging, and it takes conscious communication and a lot of flexibility not to affect the relationship negatively. While most of the time together should be focused on positive aspects, it is critical to acknowledge what could have a negative impact and not sweep it under the rug. Love is precious but it is so fragile. Awareness will advert many dangers.

I am often asked the question on what to do when both partners get triggered at the same time. Ideally, both partners should isolate in a separate room to figure out their personal trigger. It can take the form of journaling, meditation or another healing modality. In this case, the partners are incapable of being a helpful container so it is best to do the work alone. Then they can come back together later and share what they have learned in a vulnerable way after they have calmed down. However, someone with an anxious attachment style may feel even more triggered if his or her partner disappears when a conflict occurs. In this case, I recommend they stay in the same room together as they work separately in silence with their own triggers.

It is a paradox but to be able to handle conflicts successfully, we should not be afraid of conflicts. If we give in because we are afraid of our partner’s negative emotions whether it is rage or despair, we are abandoning ourselves. Nothing gets solved this way, and we keep repeating the same unconscious patterns over and over again. It is natural to be afraid but a conscious relationship demands that we do not act from a place of fear. We acknowledge the fear but we continue to act from our highest truth, no matter what the consequences are. If our partner is not able to love us enough to handle our authentic truth, then we need to accept the fact that we may be better off with a different partner. Many teachers have said that fear and not hate is the opposite of love. Let’s learn to embrace conflict rather than running away from it. Let’s bring as much conscious awareness as possible during the conflict so that we can learn from our disputes.

It is natural to have preferences in the way our partner looks or behaves. We can express our personal preferences however we should never use any form of manipulation such as intimidation or blackmail to control our partner’s behavior or looks. We need to respect their free will and wait for them to take this action from their own volition. Let’s say your girlfriend does not shave her underarms and you find this unattractive. You may express your preference however if she is genuinely attached to her armpit hair, you should let it go. If this is a reason for you to break up with her, then she is definitely better off without you as it shows you are unable to love her the way she is.

Rather than seeing a relationship trigger as a curse, we need to rewire ourselves to see it as an opportunity. A trigger can be seen as a long and strong rope to recover lost and buried aspects within us. They can teach us invaluable lessons, promote self-knowledge and personal healing like nothing else. They bring to our awareness existing problems that need to be addressed. They help us improve our communication. If tackled properly, they help us deepen the intimacy with our partner.

Conclusion

Intimate relationships are challenging but there is nothing else that has the potential to bring us as much happiness, growth and wisdom. A conscious relationship is the ultimate reward of many years of trying, failing and learning to love. This is why many forms of art have been obsessed with romantic love and intimate partnership. It is the most beautiful reminder on this earth of the rapture of divine love. Never give up on the dream to love and to be loved.

Moving from a dysfunctional codependent relationship to a conscious one – Part I

May 18, 2019March 23, 2020 / vaillantgicqueau / 2 Comments

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We were born dependent. First, we were one with our mother in her womb. Then birth separated us from her. We had to start breathing on our own. As we grow up, we learn to move on our own, to feed ourselves, to make our own decisions and live our own destiny. Little by little, we are learning autonomy however we still long for the primordial desire of fusion with our own mother. Our parents did the best they could but they passed onto us their own deficiencies so we arrive to adulthood in a state of incompleteness. Love acts as a powerful spell because we feel incomplete and we are desperately looking for a better half to fill our void.

Falling in love is the subconscious drive towards completeness. Without this incentive, most of us will simply not have the courage to work on our shadows (mostly transgenerational). This is why intimate relationships are so difficult but also so rewarding. Shadow, more than light, is the foundation for the powerful attraction between lovers. Because we are all so afraid to change, nature gave us the perk of sex to incentivize us towards evolution. Nature gave us the ability to experience the ecstasy of integration at a physical level so that we may want to experience it at an emotional, mental and spiritual level.

I re-read recently the story of Orpheus. He was a demi-God, a legendary musician, poet, and prophet in ancient Greek religion. Even he could not bear the loss of his wife Eurydice. After he failed to retrieve her from the kingdom of Hades, he wandered randomly as a hermit and inconsolable, he fell prey to the Thracian Maenads. Romantic love is by far the most fulfilling experience here on earth, but it is also the most fragile. It is dependent on the free will of another human being because without genuine reciprocity, it is not a relationship. Even when both lovers are connected, many external events or people may disrupt their passion: parents, status or financial issues, visa issues, ex partners or children, illness. When it is not something external, even if they love each other very much, they may face incompatibilities that they may be unable to solve such as a different attachment style, power struggles, ineffective communication, different vision for life or preferences, or children conflict for recomposed families. And even when everything aligns, death may take away one of the lovers leaving the other one in utter despair.

Until we are able to love ourselves and experience autonomy, we are limited to be in codependent relationships. These relationships will still help us to grow and develop but a great deal of suffering is typically associated with them. The great attraction between the lovers is proportional to their own lack and incompleteness. These relationships have amazing potential as the partners commit to grow and to do their inner work. But they will feel miserable if they resist their own expansion. They both need to realize their own incompleteness with humility, and support each other personal growth.

From my personal experience, I would like to describe the characteristics of such relationships.

At the base of the dysfunction is always the lack of SELF-LOVE. Because we do not love ourselves, we feel dependent on our romantic partner to experience love. This weak sense of self will manifest in the following forms:

Inability or unwillingness to give space

Even the most compatible partners will have some areas where they diverge. They may not like the same type of food, enjoy different set of activities or may want spend time with different people. People who are insecure will interpret mistakenly the unwillingness to join in an activity as a sign that they are unlovable so they will put pressure on the partner to stick together even if this means that one of them will miss out on something important for him/her. This will build resentment on both sides. Other times, we may not be in an emotional state to provide adequate support to our loved one. In this case, it is best to recommend that they see a good friend or a therapist. Unfortunately, the partner will interpret this as rejection or abandonment. Of course, giving space should be more the exception than the rule otherwise there may not be enough compatibility to hold the relationship together. At the same time, it is natural for conflicting needs to arise in the course of a relationship; so giving space to each others to meet these needs separately will release considerable pressure.

Distrust

We all have weaknesses so we cannot be trusted in all areas. If you do not trust your partner to take the garbage out every Monday night because he is often distracted, then it is fine to give him a gentle reminder because history has proven that he is likely to forget. However, if we cannot trust our partner in aspects that are fundamental to us in the relationship, we should either work on our trust issues or exit the relationship. Without this underlying trust, there cannot be a relationship. Here are some examples of what could be a deal breaker for a couple but it varies from relationship to relationship and I highly recommend that the lovers discuss them clearly before fully committing to each other: sexual infidelity, emotional infidelity, physical or emotional abuse, circumcision of the children, caring for aging parents or stepchildren, providing financial support, regular sexual intercourse, emotional intimacy & affection. What may be a deal breaker for one couple may be insignificant for another so communication is key. The first step however is to know your own boundaries and love yourself enough not to violate them, even if this means letting go of the relationship. We can only trust our partner if we can trust ourselves.

Projecting a false persona

Because we believe we are unlovable, we create a false persona in order to get that love we are desperately starving for. This however is a recipe for disaster. This is very common with men. Where they are in the courting mode, they perform lots of actions that they would simply not do in an established relationship: offering thoughtful gifts, organizing breathtaking dates, spending more money than they can afford on their beloved, being ultra gentle and considerate. Then, once their object of desire gets attached to their false persona, they relax and a less attractive personality surfaces. Inevitably, the lady feels duped and this is not a healthy foundation for a relationship. Being yourself from the start will limit the number of dates you may be able to get however what is important is the quality of the relationship and not the quantity. Here are some examples of not so innocent white lies. We may pretend we like some activities or food we dislike, or we exaggerate our wealth, success or sexual performance. It is just a question of time for your mate to know you intimately. If she or he fell in love with a false persona, she or he will surely leave once she or he discovers your true self because this is not what she or he signed up for. Ensure to only display behaviors or attentions in your courting phase that are sustainable over the long run not to disappoint your loved one down the road.

Over reliance on the relationship for important needs

A mistake that many men providers do after getting married is to rely solely on their wife to organize their social life while all their energy is focused on work. If for any reason, their wife leaves them or even dies; they are left alone or completely unable to take care of themselves emotionally. The same applies for financial needs if one partner gets used to a certain lifestyle with the inability to earn money on their own. Too much dependency creates insecurity and a tendency to compromise oneself for the benefit of the relationship because we feel incapable of sustaining ourselves outside the relationship. It is healthy to be attached to someone special and it is natural to grieve when this person disappears from our life but we need to know that we have the ability, resourcefulness and the resilience to bounce back given enough time to heal. This certainty takes self-love. Unfortunately, life is unpredictable and tragedy can strike inadvertently. A certain level of dependency is healthy in a relationship so that both partners can focus on their strengths however not to a point where a person is unable to function at all without their other half. Where there is too much dependency, breakups end up being much more difficult than necessary and the abandoned partner may become revengeful and obsessed with terrible consequences.

Fixing the other person

People with lower self-esteem may feel ashamed about who they are but do not have the strength to face it. It is less dreadful to keep focusing on other people’s flaws and keep fixing them. As they focus on their partner’s weaknesses, they get distracted so that they may not see their own flaws. They resent aspects of themselves but their ego cannot admit it. So they keep projecting their deficiencies onto others. They find compliant tormented souls that are well too aware of their imperfection and actually enjoy the constant reproaches because this reminds them of their early abusive family environment where they were repeatedly put down. Constant nagging is a relationship killer. We have to put at least ten times more pressure on ourselves for positive change than our partner. Let us inspire them with our own example. And when we share constructive feedback, it is best to address it vulnerably in the first person (i.e. I feel unloved and taken for granted when you make plans without including me)

Constant self-promotion

People who believe something is wrong with them have an ego that needs to hide and repress their perceived imperfections at any cost. They do not believe their value can speak for itself so they use every opportunity to express how good they are, how much they are doing for the other person, how successful they are, how much money they have, how educated they are, how good of a parent they are, how good of a cook they are, etc… When you are certain of your own value, you are happy just being and there is no need for self-advocacy. And if people are unable to see your value unless you are claiming it, you may have an inflated sense of self or it may be time to renew your circle of friends.

In the second category of characteristics of codependent relationships, we do not trust the universe to bring someone even more special after we complete the healing of a painful breakup. So we resort to manipulation to keep our partner chained to us at any cost and there are many forms of CONTROL we can exercise:

Deprecation

If we keep denigrating or criticizing our partner, it will lower their self-esteem. They will lose their self-confidence and they will not believe that anyone else will be able to love and appreciate them. They should just be comforted that we stick around for them. This is one of the favorite tools used by narcissists. The recipient of such abuse needs to remember that if there is genuine love & attraction, there is mutuality so one partner is not entitled to feel superior. It is likely that the two partners are replaying the abuse of their childhood whether as a victim or a perpetrator, which are two sides of the same coin.

Jealousy

This is one of the indications of possessive love. While it is natural to have sensible expectations on one’s partner, jealousy is the irrational fear of losing the object of love of which we have become dependent. So we need to limit them (as well as their well-being and personal growth) when we should be the ones working on our limited beliefs and insecurities. We forbid them to interact or even to appreciate beauty from people of the opposite gender. We punish them emotionally through stonewalling, anger or withdrawing affection when our jealousy is triggered.

Power play and emotional blackmail

Every partner in a relationship typically has assets that are desired by their significant other. It may be money, beauty, sex, fame or skills. It is natural for lovers to benefit each other as long as giving comes from the heart. Manipulation comes from our transactional mind. This is the type of actions that the transactional mind will take. We purchase a nice bag for our wife before we ask her to go to a wild bachelor party in Las Vegas with our best friend. We give her a nice massage to get sex afterwards. We buy her beautiful flowers because she is suspecting that we are having an affair with a colleague. We let our husband have sex with us so that he will stop stonewalling us. It is best to express one’s needs and concerns directly instead of resorting to manipulation. When the relationship stops feeling fair, we can communicate about it in a vulnerable way rather than punishing them without any explanation. They will probably not understand, and it will make things worse. When we do something in a transactional way, it would feel off from our partner’s perspective. She or he would feel objectified and then resentful. We will then feel unloved, confused or rejected, not understanding why our partner is always dissatisfied. It is a no win situation.

Peer pressure

We are wired to accept as truth what the majority thinks. A manipulator will often draw family members, colleagues or friends that are already loyal to them to prove a point and show they are right. Someone who is sincere will be patient with their loved ones and use logic to share their perspective, or draw from experts’ neutral opinions. For this reason, a couple should be weary to live with family or community members especially if they will automatically side with one party in case of a conflict.

A good relationship takes maturity, experience and SELF-AWARENESS. Here are some of the difficulties that couples may face unintentionally because of their lack of wisdom and personal development

Projection

Our intimate partner is our closest mirror. As such, we often interact with the person in the mirror, which is ourselves, instead of our lover. If we make a list of what annoys us in our partner, we will find undoubtedly aspects of us that we have repressed and judged severely. A lot of the attraction we feel for our partner comes from the fact that they express naturally what we have repressed in us. Unfortunately, instead of bringing these aspects back to the conscious mind for positive manifestation, we irrevocably repress or shame these aspects in them, reproducing in them our own fragmentation. Never forget that your intimate partner is for the most part your repressed self, and as such they have invaluable lessons to share with you if you can pay close attention.

Needs’ conflict

We may have a tendency to impose our needs over our partner’s needs or on the opposite, put their needs before our own. Both approaches are not sustainable. People can only repress their important needs for so long. First, it takes a commitment for spouses to understand their important needs and communicate them clearly to each other. Then they should creatively think on how to meet all of their needs creatively. Partners are intimately connected so dissatisfaction in one will immediately surface in the relationship to impact the other. By helping your significant other to get their genuine needs met, you are helping yourself to enjoy a more harmonious relationship. And an affectionate relationship will dramatically improve your quality of life and personal happiness.

Double standards

“Do as I say but not as I do” is the opposite of positive inspiration. It does not work with children and works even less with our partners. In a relationship, double standards can be allowed and will not build resentment only if both partners are consciously aware of them, and it feels fair to them. There are some double standards that may be customary, such as a woman waxing but not her husband. It may be accepted for one spouse not to contribute in cleaning the household if they are the one that brings in all the income. All these agreements have to be made consciously and not assumed because this is the way we were raised. There are some other double standards that may be more problematic. In recomposed families, one spouse may want a lot of focus and attention on his/her own children while feeling very uneasy around his/her partner’s children. They may want to be the center of attention of his/her partner while providing little care for him/her. Or they may want all of their social time to be spent with his/her friends and not their significant other’s comrades. This is the fastest way to lose credibility. The Golden Rule of treating others as oneself is found in many religions and cultures for a reason.

Idealization followed by demonization

This is unfortunately common to so many relationships. At the beginning of a relationship, we can only see the positive in our beloved but give it a couple of years, and we can only see the negative. Then the break-up happens, and we make them literal monsters. People do not change that much and chances are that the person we adored is the same one that we now detest. We just applied a different filter. We shifted from the awareness of our own inner greatness revealed by this person to the projection of our own ugliness. The person you love is just as imperfect as you are. If you were with them, it means they were your match for the time being so demonizing them is nothing different than criticizing yourself. It is best to acknowledge with humility and truth their qualities and shortcomings, and realize that they have a lot to say about you too. Let all feelings of disappointment, anger, sadness and betrayal run inside of you because this is important for your healing, but once these emotions have run their course, strive for objectivity and truth. Forgive them in order to find peace within yourself.

Expectations

Expectation is the other relationship killer. As an example, we have had a long day and we expect our spouse to take care of us when we come home. It is likely that your spouse will have had the same hard day and has the same expectation. This inevitably will lead to a dispute. We always need to come back to the relationship with the intent of giving. If we are unable and we need to receive, let’s express it authentically and vulnerably. Let your partner have the freedom to not support you if they are too drained and not in the right state of mind to do it. As a general rule, you should have 10 times more expectations of yourself than your partner. This will help you receive with gratitude all the little things they do to improve your life.

It is now easy to see why these types of relationships are the source of so much struggle and suffering. Love feels like a curse. Our loved one drives us insane but we cannot live without them. We are so afraid to be abandoned, or of their emotional reactions that we make a lot of compromises that hurt our personal integrity. As life’s pressures increase with children, financial & professional challenges, or illness, the dysfunctions in the relationship appear even more clearly. The relationship acts as a magnifying glass for our traumas, and our own shortcomings. The only solution is to be introspective, evolve, improve and grow in self-love and self-awareness. Then we will be able to transform our relationship or attract a new one that feels good.

Read part II

What are transgenerational traumas and how do we transmute them?

May 2, 2019July 6, 2019 / vaillantgicqueau / 2 Comments

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There have been a lot of studies that have attempted to show that mental illness is genetic. For example, two percent of the population is bipolar. However; the probability of a person being bipolar raises to fifteen percent if they have one parent that is bipolar and to fifty percent if they have two parents that have this condition. I have facilitated hundreds of healing sessions. Therefore; I can explain why we get this correlation. From my perspective, this is not about genes but about the psychological condition of the people raising us.

The first important thing to understand is that, as a child, we are all wired to bond with our primary caretakers, typically our biological parents. This bonding is critical to our survival and our primitive brain has instinctively learned this behavior through many thousands of generations. In ancient times, children that erred away from the protection of their parents would be eaten by predators and their genes would be lost. So naturally bonding between parents and children became instinctive to improve survival rates. In order to attach to their parents and feel safe, children need to make their parents right, perfect and good even when there are far from being exemplary. This is how all transgenerational trauma get passed from one generation to the next.

Let’s say someone had some severe spankings from his father when he was a child and continued to have a good relationship with him throughout his adulthood. Unless there was conscious work done around these punishments, this person had to make his dad right as a child to continue bonding with his father even despite the fact he was beating him. Therefore he started developing beliefs such as “Dad is right punishing me because I am bad” or “Dad beats me because he loves me and is making me a better person this way”. These beliefs get subconsciously anchored in the inner child and will resurface in adulthood. Such a person will have a high tendency to reproduce the same physical punishments on his children because his inner child still believes that loving someone means beating them at times. They could also attract violent partners because deep in their subconscious mind, beating equal love. Or they may simply suffer from low self-esteem because they had to make themselves bad to keep dad good.

One of my clients was raised by an unstable borderline narcissist mother. She would give him severe beatings even after he became physically stronger than her and could have easily defended himself. He learned to always stay in control, de-escalate arguments and never express anger to sooth her neurosis. His mother was very sexual and flirted often with him when he was a teenager. He felt very ashamed with his sexual attraction towards her and buried those feelings too. As a result, he has been married twice to severely borderline women. The first one committed suicide and the second one left him for another man after destroying his life emotionally and financially. His inner child had to make mum perfect and good so he had to make her erratic behaviors, her rages, her constant dramas and her collapses as something good or even sexy! This is why he has been attracted to women like his mother all his life. When the scary and dangerous behavior is displayed in a potential mate, he feels irresistibly attracted. This is why we say falling in love and not jumping in love. Sexual attraction is more driven by shadow than conscious compatibility.

One of my other clients was abandoned by his mother when he was 9. His mother felt unloved in her marriage, met a new romantic partner, and wanted to give a chance to the promise of love. He had been deeply hurt by his mother’s sudden disappearance but he had to justify his mother’s behavior because he had to continue to love her. Later in life, he got married and had children. When his own daughter turned 9, he also broke up his marriage, fell in love with another woman and moved out of the state. He actually did not see anything wrong with his behavior because his mother did this to him, and his mother could not have done anything possibly wrong. So he passed on his own abandonment traumas to his children because he subconsciously had to make his mum right and good. Actually his mother had been herself abandoned by her own mother as a young child too.

Vaillant healing an African woman in Cameroon

When I was in Africa, I provided healing to a number of people who had been abandoned by their parents and given away to an aunt. This is actually common practice in some parts of Africa as children are often seen as objects or helpers. This old custom is not frowned upon, but does considerable psychological damage because these children believe there was something wrong with them to be given away. They wonder why they were given away instead of their biological brothers and sisters. These abandoned children have to make this harmful practice normal or even beneficial to keep a good image of their parents. Consequently, they have a tendency to repeat the same pattern with their own children. This is how unhealthy behaviors get passed from generation to generation. This is why 80% of juvenile sex offenders have themselves been victims of sexual abuse. Horrors such as incest also get passed through the family line in the same way. Incest victims are more likely to enable the same dysfunction with their own husband later in life. By failing to protect their own children from sexual abuse from their partner, they are making dad right again. This sick behavior comes from the unconscious need from the child to bond with parents at all cost. Unfortunately, these aspects get frozen in time and stay at a very immature level of development. They cycle of abuse then continue.

When we are abused by someone we need to love, we fragment and we bury the traumatic event into our subconscious so that our conscious mind can just remember a good, protective and flawless parent. The mind then files the traumatic subconscious memories in the same category as love/fusion/safety/connection/affection because they are the values we associate with a loving parent. The mind not only buries all the traumatic memories but also all emotions that come with them. Fear, grief, anger, despair and many negative emotions get buried at the same time. Instead of being released with the body for healing purpose, these discordant vibrations go deep within our psyche to poison it.

Some other times, the conscious mind is not able to accept or justify the abuse anymore, so it will go the opposite way and demonize the formerly loved caretaker. The child becomes obsessed in not being like the abusive parent. He rejects all good aspects of him too. From all good, the parent becomes all bad. All aspects of the parent within the growing child become then repressed but they still exist in his subconscious mind. Self-hatred and denial develop within the individual. As a result, she or he is even more a match to attract romantic partners or co-workers displaying the same attribute as the rejected parent. The law of attraction always reflects the individual inner world whether it is conscious or not.

One of my other clients had a father that was a womanizer. This was a source of distress for his mother and him, and from the time he was a teenager, he cut all contact with his father and he judged his behavior very severely. He was very righteous and became a successful pastor in a church. He was a model in the community and led an exemplary life with his wife and two children. As he was a gifted orator, he attracted a lot of attention from the churchgoers. Ten years into the marriage, he felt however that his sexual life was unexciting and unfulfilling, and that he was missing out. He could feel the sexual energy of these young women looking at him like he was the eighth wonder of the world. The pull to experience adultery was getting stronger and stronger, and he felt more and more confused and haunted by the devil. One day, the temptation became too great and he had an affair with another married woman that attended his sermon regularly. He felt very tormented as a result. By being obsessed about not being like his father, he had actually made these aspects control him.

When we hate a parent, it is like hating oneself because we had to internalize them at an earlier age to deal with the abuse. So we create a war within oneself and in a war, there is never a winner, only losers. We cannot kill these internal aspects without hurting ourselves. These aspects still needed to be expressed but because we made them unacceptable, they had to hide deep in our subconscious. Because of this, we are only able to experience them through projections, just like this righteous pastor who would judge infidelity so severely.

There is a better way and it is neither in idealization or demonization of our primary caretakers. Truth will set us free. This truth lies in accepting that we will always love our parents and when we have the courage to see their flaws, limitations and good qualities for what they are, without judgment, we will be liberated. When the truth of our past gets revealed, our conscience grows. We then allow the same aspects within us to surface in our conscious mind for integration. For example; if your father is a sociopath, it is likely that you would have aspects of you that are very insensitive and shut down. If you are able to see and observe these sociopathic behaviors in your father with compassion, then you are able to have the same awareness about your own insensitive behaviors and make the choice not to act upon it. This is why awareness is everything in the process of integration and healing. These aspects of ourselves may be repurposed and used consciously. For example, there are some situations in life when we need to think and not feel (ie when dealing with toxic people or situations). This would be a good time to bring our sociopathic part. A romantic dinner is not a good place for it! Alternatively, we can recover the pain that we felt being raised with our aloof father. By doing so, we are able to develop more awareness to make people around us feel more supported, cherished and nurtured. Every part of us, even the most hurt and undeveloped, can grow and increase in vibration if we have the courage to objectively see our flaws and how they impact others.

Before we can reach this state of objectivity with our parents, it is critical that we allow ourselves to feel all the emotions about them that we have repressed since our early childhood, whether they are feelings of rage, hate, envy, pity or fear. We express all these raw feelings to ourselves through meditation or to a skilled therapist. Through this process, we become aware of them, and the light of consciousness will automatically transform them into higher emotions such as sadness, acceptance or even gratitude. However, this process cannot be rushed and we need to stay authentic about how we truly feel. If we are able to see our parents’ imperfection with compassion, it means we have made our own generation more conscious, which is expected of us. It shows us the progress we have already made. We also want our children to go further than us. One of the most important things we need to do on this earth is to transform the transgenerational trauma that came from our family line. This is what will bring us the most happiness, joy and inner peace.

Someone who is not at peace with his parents cannot be at peace him/herself. It does not mean we need to have frequent interactions with them, because in some situations, it would not be self-loving if we have toxic parents. Peace is above the polarity of adoration and detestation. It sits in the middle. It can make space for both perspectives without judgment with full awareness. It is simply interested in the truth. There are many extraordinary people that had very abusive parents. Just like the lotus, which grows from mud, our soul grows from life struggles and we have the power within us to transform the most unsavory into the most sacred.

From the difficulties of our childhood, we learn important lessons that we can share with our children and our community to make this world a better place. We can extract the most wisdom from the most painful life situations. When we suffer, we cannot stay stagnant and it has the potential to accelerate our growth as long as we do not get broken in the process. We need to see transgenerational weaknesses as unexpressed potential. A sex addict can become the most amazing lover, violence can be channeled into athleticism or a desire for peace, the perpetrator or the victim can become protectors. We need to accept that we were co-created by our ancestry (earth/matter) and God (heaven/spirit). To become whole, we cannot reject one or the other; we need to integrate both together. Healing our ancestry is to transcend the polarities that we inherited from our genealogy in terms of abuse, abandonment or neglect. It is to recognize that all these parts exist within us and stop judging them. Through the miracle of unconditional love and presence, they can start growing again and mature. Eventually inner torment will make way to a lasting inner peace.

Most of us spend the first half of our life very heavily influenced by the transgenerational traumas of our family line. As we heal these fragments, we can start living a more conscious life from our authentic self. We become more anchored in the present, more sensitive to what actually is, in the moment, instead of living through the filters of our upbringing. Things begin to flow naturally and the scope of possibilities expands dramatically as we are not limited by our ancestral traumas anymore. It is then that life takes on a completely different dimension, and we are then free to be the expanded, transformational and joyful beings that we came here to be.

Divine justice

April 27, 2019June 28, 2019 / vaillantgicqueau / 3 Comments

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We live in an unfair world. For the most part, the dice are thrown at birth. If you are raised in an upper-middle class family in Silicon Valley, your chance of professional and financial success are a million times higher than if you were born into a broken family with an alcoholic father in Cameroon. I have traveled to over 50 countries in the world and I can see how determining the environment we are raised in is.

All leaders understand that an organization is far more successful when its members believe they are treated fairly and that the system is a meritocracy, where progress is based on ability and talent rather than on class privilege or wealth. Many good leaders strive to create order from the natural chaos of life, and ensure that group members are rewarded according to their actual contribution, themselves included. Unfortunately; many leaders in all branches of society are only making the pretense of justice through sophisticated manipulations and dissimulations, while continuing to follow purely selfish desires. This is why people are more and more disillusioned with politics as they see more and more clearly through the web of lies of leading political parties. But this trend is encompassing all fields of society.

I have had extensive experience with the US legal system and I can only see there the law of the fittest and not the law of justice. People are being fooled by the illusion of fairness in the legal system because laws appear to be neutral and impartial. However, people interpreting the laws are subjective and can easily fall into diverse manipulation, corruption or weakness of character. Most people that have had to endure the US legal system realize that the system itself composed of judges, lawyers and specialists was a more redoubtable adversary than the foe they intended to protect themselves from. I may sound harsh with the US legal system but it is actually better than many legal systems throughout the world that are even far more corrupt.

Following the same train of thoughts, many people, mostly atheists, are arguing that if God was omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, justice and love as all religions claim, then why would the world carry so much pain? We can witness so many real stories where “the good” are abused by “the bad” or where “the cheaters” win over the principled ones. This goes against everything we read or watched as a kid. We get to realize we were led to believe in justice so that we could better manipulated but that it is mostly an illusion.

However; there are many people that came from horrendous childhood environments and managed to overcome their challenging background to achieve extraordinary success. Motivational speakers abound in citing examples from famous people overcoming early struggles. Though they are a minority, I personally know people who endured the worst possible childhood and who were later on able to raise on top of their field. But if we look at these outliers, these same people had some extraordinary talent that made possible for them to create new opportunities in their life. So to an extent, they were gifted with some good cards despite their environment. So even this argument is more the exception that confirms the rule that we do not live in a fair environment.

Oprah Winfrey and Steve Jobs came from humble beginnings

We make the mistake to equate financial & professional success as the ultimate goal in life. However, if we dive deeper within, we realize that genuine happiness is really what we are after. We only want to be successful as far as we think it is going to make us happy. We all know financially and professionally successful people that are miserable and ordinary people that live a truly happy life. So it appears that happiness may be far less dependent on external situations than we may think.

I can see in my meditation that behind the background of emotions we got to experience every day such as excitement, sadness, joy or disappointment, we can find another dimension of self, the one that is beyond the roles we play everyday. When we commune with our inner self, and we touch our core, what do we find there? Peace or torment.

Torment has many characteristics. It feels like something is missing, that we are out of integrity, we cannot sit still as a result and we are looking for ways to distract ourselves. Judgment towards others or self-hatred which is really the same thing, restlessness, shame, the desire to hide our shameful self by projecting a new persona, identification with negative emotions, feeling split and divided, the feeling unworthy of love, alone and disconnected are all attributes of this state. Actually; many successful people are tormented. Their professional activity or financial success may be simply a coping mechanism for hiding their unhealed traumas or not a direct creative expression of their being.

Peace, on the opposite, comes with the alignment of our personality with our higher self. In that state, we feel love effortlessly by the simple act of being alive. We feel complete, and we may be alone without feeling lonely. We have desires without compulsive needs. We have faith in our future, and we are grateful of the lessons learned even if they were painful. We feel guided and protected. We stay the same authentic person in all situations. We are able to be fully present. Our activities are a natural and direct expression of our being and not an escape.

Genuine and lasting happiness comes mostly from our inner-self and it will determine if we experience torment or peace. This is where divine justice lies. When life brings us joy, we can simply rejoice in it but as life brings us suffering, we have the choice of using this hardship and learning from it. We can then get more loving, compassionate, pure and wise. The conscious experience of suffering can help us narrow the gap between our personality and our spirit, to live a more authentic life and experience inner peace as a result.

One year ago, I lost the woman I loved which compounded the loss of my 2 children 2 years prior. This brought very deep torment to my soul. I struggled with guilt, sadness, betrayal, disappointment, bitterness, discouragement, and depression. I used the very same tools that I am practicing daily on my healing clients, to heal myself. These tools include: inner work, introspection, conscious somatic experience of negative emotions, learning the lessons, surrounding the hurt aspects with unconditional love & presence, taking responsibility and initiating the appropriate actions.

During the past year, my external situation did not change. However; I am now feeling very different. I am finally AT PEACE. I realize this is the most important thing. This makes me believe that divine justice does exist because there is always a way to make a profit from suffering that comes our way. We are not choosing suffering consciously (though it can be argued that our higher self does) but when tragedy strikes, we still have a choice to look for the hidden gift. The fact that the painful external situation that revealed the inner struggle or unhealed traumas (the loss of love or children in my case) is not changing despite a drastic improved inner state is not a contradiction with the law of attraction because we live in an abundant universe. The law of attraction needs to respect the free will and the point of attraction of all parties involved. So, for example, if one has been alienated from his children, a loving stepchild may appear. Or if the former beloved does not come back to your life, an even more beautiful love will manifest. This is why it is so important not to be fixated on the outcome, but instead to follow one’s heart and surrender to spirit. Human justice may be imperfect so take refuge in divine justice, and inner peace becomes our ultimate reward. Help yourself, and God will help you.

Vaillant

June 9, 2018June 28, 2019 / vaillantgicqueau / 8 Comments

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It is very clear to me that I entered a new phase of my life. I have stripped away many false identities and personalities. Over the past couple of months, a new first name kept popping up intuitively for me. First, I dismissed it and did not make too much of it. Then, as it kept coming back, I started to consider it. The direction of my new life appeared more clearly to me and it became evident I had to carry a first name that is more aligned with the new energies I am meant to bring forth. So this is it. I will change my first name from Ale to Vaillant when I turn 45 on June 20^th.

A similar event happened to me when I turned 26. I had just integrated the biggest trauma of my childhood, and my focus and desire turned into external physical manifestation. I was provided intuitively the new first name Ale. Ale has the same pronunciation in French than “Allez” which means “Go for it”. It facilitates the transfer from thought to action, and helped me going from a dreamer and explorer to a doer. During that time, I built a healthcare and a software company in the Silicon Valley, ran a non-profit organization, had 2 children in a 15 year marriage and was Vice Consul of Monaco for 7 years.

In my early twenties, I became fascinated with numerology. While I do not rely on divination arts such as astrology, tarot, human design, numerology or palmistry to make my decisions, I have always been impressed with the insights provided by them, and they offer a great validation tool to what we already feel intuitively. So I looked at the numerology meaning of the different names and what I found sealed my decision!

I was born Alexandre. In Chaldean name numerology, its destiny number is a 4. 4s are influenced by Uranus that bring sudden and unexpected events in a mysterious way. During my childhood, my family life was quite unstable with many moves and the divorce of my parents when I was 10. I joined a cult when I was 20 (left when I was 23), got married the first time when I was 21 and emigrated to the US on my own when I was 22. I actually did not take my career seriously until I turned 26. 4s are known to plan the foundation of the future with weird ideas. They are practical persons that believe in individualism, tolerance and originality. This is very consistent with my youth. I was quite individualistic and distrusted groups because of my enmeshment fears. I was very practical with my schoolwork always striving to be the best and I was an idealist at the same time with a sincere desire to change the world. I showed a secretive nature displayed unexpected behavior to others as 4s typically do during this phase of my life.

As I turned 26, after a deep spiritual experience, I decided to name myself Ale. In Chaldean name numerology, its destiny number is a 9. 9s are ruled by Mars, which brings courage, aggression and humanitarian endeavors. 9s are risk takers, lead by positive example, are fighters that eventually become successful by grit, strong will and determination. 9s unfortunately experience many quarrels and strife in their home life. This was quite consistent with this phase of my life. I built a non-profit what became the largest French speaking networking organization in the Silicon Valley and helped many in the process. Then I founded my own company that kept growing despite so many obstacles I had to face along the way. My hard work, determination and perseverance made me prevail against all odds every time. I was married and divorced twice during that time, and my marriages were marked with many conflicts and drama though there was also a lot of positive coming out of them.

In Chaldean name numerology, Vaillant destiny number is a 6. 6s are ruled by Venus, the planet of love, romance, beauty, art and truth. They strongly trust in truth, justice and humanity. They are born teachers and healers. It also symbolizes unconditional love, home and hearth, loving relationships of every kind and deep compassion bordering on empathy. This is again very consistent to what I am feeling internally or what I am aspiring to. The Mars energy helped me achieve many external goals but left many of my relationships in shambles. I know I am meant to heal these relationships. I feel the thirst in my soul for the 6 energy, and we will see what comes out of it 🙂

According to Teal, I have spent most of my past incarnations as a female (and she has spent most of her past incarnations as a male) and this resonates with me. My astrology south node is in Cancer and I was a whiny kid that was shamed a lot for crying easily. I was raised in a culture and time where real men are tough and do not show emotions. So I had to repress many of the feminine energies in me to eventually become the alpha male that I became in my thirties. It was important for my soul to acquire this Mars energy in this lifetime however Venus energy feels more like home to me. I want to be a man that can integrate and welcome the more feminine qualities of nurturing, empathy, spontaneity and unconditional love. By harmonizing the Yin and the Yang in me, I will eventually be able to recreate this harmonious union of the feminine and masculine in my personal life, which is something I have failed to do up to this point.

What I feel intuitively as I enter this new cycle of life, and become Vaillant, I will become relationship-focused rather than action-focused. I will probably spend more time in Europe as its culture is more focused on relations. I want my life to be more about helping people, enjoying deeper connection with others, experiencing harmony in my home and relationships. I am getting to understand that ultimate happiness comes from sharing your inner light and joy with others, from helping others to reconnect with the love of their soul, from appreciating beauty around us and the simple things of life, to love God and to love each other.

Since I have been a teenager, one of my favorite song has been the “businessman blues” from Michel Berger. It was made popular internationally by Celine Dion and I would like to share it with you here. Here are the lyrics translated in English that express so well the transition from 9 to 6 energies.

The businessman’s blues

I’m successful in business

I’m successful in love

I often change of secretary

My office is at the top of a tower

From there I contemplate the whole city

From there I control my universe

I spend half my life in the air

Between New York and Singapour

I always travel in first class

I have my secondary residence

In all the Hiltons of the Earth

I can’t stand poverty

At least, are you happy?

I’m not happy but I look like it

I lost my sense of humor

Since I have a business sense

I have succeeded and I am proud of it

In fact, I only have a single regret

I am not doing what I wanted to do

What do you want my friend

In life we do what we can

Not what we want…

I wanted to be an artist

To be able to play my act

When the plane lands on the runway

In Rotterdam or in Rio

I wanted to be a singer

To be able to scream who I am

I wanted to be a writer

To be able to create my life (bis)

I wanted to be an actor

To change skin everyday

And to be able to think I am handsome

On a big colored screen (bis)

I wanted to be an artist

To make a new world

To be able to be an anarchist

And live like a millionaire (bis)

I wanted to be an artist

To be able to say why I exist

Is your name energy aligned to who you truly are? Who do you want to become and which name resonates with you? Would you like to empower yourself to create your own destiny?

One thousand and one nights with Teal

May 23, 2018February 3, 2020 / vaillantgicqueau / 34 Comments

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GoingSeparateDirections A couple of years ago, when I fell in love with Teal, I would have given up everything to spend one day with her. My deepest wish was fulfilled and I was not granted one day but one thousand and one. However, unlike Schahriar and Sheherazade who sealed their union for eternity after one thousand and one nights, Teal and I are now separating and taking a different path. Destiny feels cruel when you are asked to leave the woman you love. There is nowhere to go but to the God within us to start healing, and ask for guidance for the rest of our journey here on earth.

As I start mending my broken heart, feelings of gratitude emerge. I never loved anyone as much as Teal and I was never loved by anyone as much as she did. A life without love is not worth living, and for this alone my life mattered. My memories with her will be mine forever and this is teaching me one more time to never take anyone for granted. She is a gorgeous woman but her heart is even more beautiful that her physical appearance. We lived our passion to the fullest during the time we were together. Just looking at her always brought smile to my face as I saw her as the most exquisite thing on this planet. I have gained so much during the 33 months we were together. Actually, these 33 months feel more like 33 years. First, she cracked me open and forced me into my authenticity after living a codependent life. This blessing would however make me lose the woman I love as it surfaced some incompatibilities we were not able to work through. As she could see inside of me, she supported me to get back to optimal health as I lost 30 pounds and I have never felt as healthy as today. I became vegetarian and sensitive to animal cruelty thanks to her. Previously, I had wanted to become vegetarian but was never able to make the transition. I loved her spontaneity, her vibrancy and aliveness. These are qualities I want to develop very much in myself. Teal is remarkably intelligent and she has also an amazing ability to articulate her thoughts in a way that is easily understandable. I learned so much with her in so many aspects of life. I now see and understand the world differently. She always has fun facts about anything. She is an encyclopedia in herself. She helped me transition from a human doing to a human being and reconnect to the important things of life. She actually set me back on my path. I also learned a lot from all of our struggles. Both of us are deeply introspective and that allowed us to gain wisdom from the difficulties we experienced.

Our break-up is so difficult not because we stopped loving each other but because we still love each other though we understand we have to take a different road. During this time of grieving, we are asking every one of you to be sensitive to our pain to make our healing easier. Un-pairing with someone we love deeply is one of most difficult experience in this earthy existence. When we fall in love, the beloved reflects to us the parts of us to develop. She showed me my light, my potential and my capacity to love. Now that my most magnificent mirror is going away, I am only left to actualize these qualities within myself.

We all go through difficult times in love relationships, and we have a tendency to lose sight of the all the exquisite moments we shared together. For this reason, I would like to share many beautiful memories that are still held preciously in my heart.

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Connecting and having fun on the beach #spiritualcouple #esterillos #beach #tealswan #tealswanandalegicqueau

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Feb 20, 2018 at 7:42pm PST

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It is hard to kiss 💋 with a helmet on! #tealswanandalegicqueau #alegicqueau #kiss #tealswan #parkcity #ski #skicouple #husbandandwife

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Jan 7, 2018 at 3:42pm PST

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L’amour, toujours l’amour #aleandteal #tealswanandalegicqueau #longbeach #romance #alegicqueau #tealswan

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Dec 14, 2017 at 1:33pm PST

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At Jaco beach with my beloved #tealswan #tealswanandalegicqueau #thespiritualcatalyst #teal #alegicqueau #husbandandwife #beach #jacobeach #costarica

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Nov 12, 2017 at 4:15pm PST

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Teasing my love on a gondola in Venice Italy #tealswan #alegicqueau #aleandteal #husbandandwife #venice #veniceitaly #italy #gondola

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Oct 12, 2017 at 3:12am PDT

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Love is in the air #tealswan #alegicqueau #aleandteal #husbandandwife #love #lovelywife #romantic #beautifulgirl

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Aug 26, 2017 at 6:01pm PDT

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Riding horses on the beach in Costa Rica with Teal #horses #beach #romantic #horsebackonthebeach #horsebackriding #tealswan #alegicqueau #aleandteal

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Jul 12, 2017 at 10:28am PDT

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Jungle romance #tealswan #alegicqueau #aleandteal #husbandandwife #costarica

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Jul 11, 2017 at 9:01pm PDT

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A nice weekend with my beloved getaway before teaching the singles retreat tomorrow at Philia. There is nothing that can compare with finding with this very special person to build a life with. #alegicqueau #tealswanandalegicqueau #philia #philiacenter #singlesretreat

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Jul 1, 2017 at 11:46am PDT

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With my love on a spiritual journey to Arches National Park #tealswan #alegicqueau #aleandteal #wife #kiss #romance #archesnationalpark

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Jun 17, 2017 at 7:02pm PDT

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On a hike with my lovely wife #tealswan #alegicqueau #hike #husbandandwife #aleandteal

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Jun 3, 2017 at 2:05pm PDT

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I found my princess at Eloy Alfaro #eloyalfaro #sarchi #costarica #alegicqueau #tealswanandalegicqueau #tealswan #artisan #artisanwood

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Mar 9, 2017 at 2:47pm PST

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At Playa Hermosa with Teal my love #tealswan #alegicqueau #costarica #playahermosa #philiaretreat #philiaretreatcenter #spiritualcouple

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Jan 29, 2017 at 5:16am PST

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With my Teal Swan and Omar at Omar's Rawtopia #tealswan #thespiritualcatalyst #rawvegan #rawfood #omarsrawtopia #saltlakecity #alegicqueau

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Dec 18, 2016 at 8:07pm PST

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The reluctant swimmer #tealswan #alegicqueau #sandiego #california #funny #beach #couple

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Dec 9, 2016 at 1:49pm PST

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A fascinating evening with Emmanuel, a Rwanda survivor #tealswanandalegicqueau #tealswan #luxembourg

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Nov 15, 2016 at 11:06am PST

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Ale & Teal in Ireland #ireland #spiritualcouple #tealswanandalegicqueau #tealswan #newgrange

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Nov 14, 2016 at 6:17am PST

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Looking over the mist of Avalon #spiritualcouple #avalon #glastonbury #tealswan #tealswanandalegicqueau #alegicqueau #tor #husbandandwife

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Nov 11, 2016 at 4:10am PST

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In pigeon habitat inside the castle #tealswan #tealswanandalegicqueau #france #frenchchateau

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Nov 3, 2016 at 10:17am PDT

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Walking in Memory Grove #tealswan #alegicqueau #saltlakecity #river #husbandandwife #spiritualcouple

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Oct 30, 2016 at 2:36pm PDT

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Teal and I in Salt Lake City #tealswan #alegicqueau #aleandteal #utah #saltlakecity

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Oct 25, 2016 at 11:52am PDT

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Frequency clothing has launched! https://tealswan.com/frequency-products

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Oct 17, 2016 at 9:56am PDT

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Enjoying Toronto after watching the intense documentary about Teal Open Shadow #tealswan #alegicqueau #toronto #openshadow #husbandandwife

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Sep 24, 2016 at 4:52pm PDT

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Hiking #tealswan #alegicqueau #couples #hiking #parkcity

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Sep 5, 2016 at 2:19pm PDT

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Hiking with Teal #tealswan #husbandandwife #aleandteal #hiking #parkcity

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Aug 26, 2016 at 11:06am PDT

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A rose is a rose is a rose #alegicqueau #tealswan #aleandteal #husbandandwife #rosegarden #portland

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Aug 22, 2016 at 4:09pm PDT

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Kissing my darling #tealswan #alegicqueau #cannonbeach #oregon #husbandandwife

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Aug 19, 2016 at 3:08pm PDT

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The coldest I have been is the summer in San Francisco #tealswan #alegicqueau #husbandandwife #sanfrancisco

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Aug 1, 2016 at 5:32pm PDT

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Hiking in Zion #alegicqueau #zion #utah #tealswan

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Jul 24, 2016 at 3:38pm PDT

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Kissing my exquisite bride #tealswan #alegicqueau #aleandteal #brideandgroom

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Jul 18, 2016 at 10:08am PDT

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Love #alegicqueau #tealswan #rockymountains #parkcityutah #aleandteal #love

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Jun 20, 2016 at 2:29pm PDT

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Hiking with my lady #alegicqueau #hiking #tealswan #aleandteal #tealswanandalegicqueau

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Jun 18, 2016 at 11:01am PDT

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Happy with my lady #aleandteal #alegicqueau #tealswan #couple

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Jun 16, 2016 at 11:07am PDT

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Romantic hike with my love #tealswan #alegicqueau #aleandteal #parkcityutah #couple

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Jun 12, 2016 at 12:02pm PDT

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Opening night of Illuminate film festival #illuminatefilmfestival #alegicqueau #tealswan #tealswanandalegicqueau #sedona #openshadows

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Jun 2, 2016 at 8:28pm PDT

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Romantic horseback riding in gorgeous Winter Park #devilsthumbranch #tealswan #tealswanandalegicqueau #alegicqueau #horsebackriding #colorado #winterpark

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on May 28, 2016 at 3:18pm PDT

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Teal back to her family ranch where she would spend vacation as a child. Gorgeous! #alegicqueau #colorado #boulder #tealswan #tealswanandalegicqueau #adventure

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on May 27, 2016 at 2:10pm PDT

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The family in French newspaper for my grandmother's 100th birthday #alegicqueau #tealswan #aixlesbains #centenerian

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on May 26, 2016 at 8:38pm PDT

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Eternal Prague #spiritualcouple #alegicqueau #aleandteal #tealswanandalegicqueau #prague #shadowsbeforedawn

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on May 13, 2016 at 7:55am PDT

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With my beloved in Aix Las Bains #aixlesbains #alegicqueau #tealswan #aleandteal #france #spiritualcouple

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on May 11, 2016 at 4:55am PDT

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At lake Geneva Switzerland with my love #tealswan #alegicqueau #alegicqueau #spiritualcouple #switzerland #geneva

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on May 10, 2016 at 4:21am PDT

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In the green room before the Berlin workshop #tealswan #thespiritualcatalyst #alegicqueau #aleandteal #spiritualcouple

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on May 8, 2016 at 3:57am PDT

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Feeding my starlet who is about to speak in Berlin #alegicqueau #tealswan #aleandteal #spiritualcouple #goofy

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on May 7, 2016 at 4:23am PDT

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Date night #teal #tealswan #tealswanandalegicqueau #aleandteal #alegicqueau #ale #tealswanthespiritualcatalyst #spiritualcouple #love #inlove #inlovewithher

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Apr 9, 2016 at 4:16pm PDT

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Taking in my love while relaxing before the big workshop tomorrow #tealswan #tealandale #aleandteal #alegicqueau #orlando #spiritualcouple #tealswanandalegicqueau

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Apr 1, 2016 at 2:45pm PDT

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Piggy back #teal #tealswan #alegicqueau #aleandteal #spiritualcouple #love #piggyback

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Mar 13, 2016 at 4:06pm PDT

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Spring skiing #tealswan #teal #aleandteal #alegicqueau #skiing #skicouples

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Mar 5, 2016 at 9:16pm PST

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Enjoying ecotourism #tiritirimatangi #newzealand #tealswan #love #auckland

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Jan 31, 2016 at 4:36pm PST

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Somewhere over the rainbow! #tealswan #auckland #newzealand #love #ale #aleandteal #alegicqueau

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Jan 29, 2016 at 9:18pm PST

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Ale's paradise #gold coast #alegicqueau #tealswan #aleandteal #spiritualcouple #australia

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Jan 24, 2016 at 7:21pm PST

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Enjoying the Sydney opera house #tealswan #sydney #australia #sydneyoperahouse #aleandteal #alegicqueau

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Jan 22, 2016 at 9:00pm PST

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A unique attraction of Utah for families #aleandteal #alegicqueau #tealswan

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Jan 9, 2016 at 2:52pm PST

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Rejuvenating ourselves on the California coast #aleandteal

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Dec 29, 2015 at 1:58pm PST

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Enjoying LA at one of Teal's very favorite restaurants #cafegratitude #vegan #veganrestaurant #tealswan #alegicqueau #aleandteal

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Dec 28, 2015 at 11:54am PST

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About to watch O Cirque du Soleil #bellagio #tealswan #aleandteal #alegicqueau

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Dec 19, 2015 at 6:49pm PST

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Hiking with the woman of my dreams in the Mojave desert #calicotanks #tealswan #redrockcanyon #lasvegas #ale #alegicqueau #aleandteal

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Dec 19, 2015 at 12:24pm PST

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In heaven #sanfrancisco #ale #aleandteal #alegicqueau #tealswan

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Dec 13, 2015 at 1:22pm PST

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In Aptos #alegicqueau #aleandteal

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Dec 12, 2015 at 7:00pm PST

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At the Tosca opera in Monaco #tealswan #ale #alegicqueau #aleandteal

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Nov 19, 2015 at 10:51am PST

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Le Sacre Coeur in Montmartre Paris to celebrate our union #engaged #aleandteal #alegicqueau #romantic #tealswan #ale

A post shared by Coach Vaillant (@coachvaillant) on Nov 16, 2015 at 4:37am PST

A Conversation With “Grandmother”

May 15, 2017June 28, 2019 / vaillantgicqueau / 9 Comments

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I went back to “grandmother” last week. I am not talking about my grandmother who just turned 101-year-old, but the plant medicine administered by the shamans more commonly called Ayahuasca. Some centers in Costa Rica can actually administer it in a completely legal way. It always amazes me that some of the most toxic and addictive pharmaceutical drugs are administered completely legally in the US while the most healing and non addictive drugs such as Ayahuasca are banned. Though it was beneficial in so many ways, my last Ayahuasca journey 3 month ago had been painful however I knew I had to come back. When I went last time, I was stuck and quite desperate. This time however, I felt pretty good, having a sense of direction and making good progress on my life current challenges. But just like we should not wait for a health collapse to start exercising or eat healthy good, it is also wise to go to “grandmother” before we hit bottom.

This time, I did not have any particular intention besides coming closer to living my life with an open heart in a state of spontaneity. This has been a conscious goal of mine for at least 20 years. I feel I have made so much progress towards that goal however the destination still seems so far. I felt both anxious and in a state of acceptance before meeting “grandmother”. As we grow wiser, the fear does not disappear. Instead, we learn to speak with it so that it does not freeze us into inaction. There were just 3 of us for this ceremony, one community member and a Yoga teacher from Drake Bay, Costa Rica. We were brought to a new beautiful location with a river and abundant fruit trees. We had a couple of hours to chill out before darkness. After exploring the property, I used this opportunity to take a nap. This is when I realized I was under more pressure that I was willing to accept. After I woke up, I chatted with the shaman who shared with me his own journey in finding God. He does not see himself anymore as a separate individuality who has to control his life to make things happen. He sees himself as one of the arms of the divine, and in this new perspective and identity, synchronicity is abundant as a more universal and larger “he” is working towards the fulfillment of his mission. As we were talking after dark, I noticed the beautiful fireflies or lightning bugs that were flying around us. The shaman asked if I wanted to see one closer. He made a few steps, took one in his hands and showed it to me. The firefly was completely at peace and seemed to enjoy for me to look at it so closely. There was instinctive trust between it and the shaman, and with me vicariously. After about 2 minutes after I had all the time to contemplate the two light dots on its dots, it went back to its business flying away into the dark.

It was now time. The shaman called me to take in the magical drink. The taste is quite awful. Despite this, I declined his offer of getting honey to sweeten the bitter potion. It never takes me very much to start on my shamanic journey. The fact that I always choose to fast for at least 2 days before the medicine could be a factor. Within 5 minutes, my heartbeat had accelerated and my body felt the need to dance, sing and move. The shaman gave me a maracas to beat with the music. It felt good to be able to express the energy this way, as I know that when the energy gets stuck, confusion and purging are next. I felt the need to be active with my body for about 30 minutes until “grandmother” called me back to my inner world as I was entering the psychedelic part of the journey.

This was only my third time doing Ayahuasca. I had done it for the first time 5 years ago. During this first journey, I was first called to a high definition, high-tech fractal space. The sharp and very colorful beings that appeared were frightening as I felt I could not trust them. They initially appears as predators to me. It was so scary that I became afraid of death and leaving my body. During my second journey, I saw them again. I was not as afraid however still chose to ignore them. In this last journey, we were able to establish a more trusting connection as I started to accept that they might be benevolent beings from a higher dimension. They felt like doctors from the future. They took me in what seemed like a spaceship for treatment and were quite busy. Their physical appearance seemed like high technology, very colorful, robotic flamingos. As I warmed up to them, I even entertained the fact that I could be one of them on a visit to Earth. They recommended to me to keep coming every 3 month for a check-up as it is critical that I keep working on my heart connection, as I will inevitably gather heart blocks and hindrances during the normal course of my life at this stage of my evolution on Earth. My heart is the receptor that makes it possible to listen to the truth from higher dimensions, and live in harmony with the laws of this universe. During this journey, I identify this truth as Christ Consciousness. They went on explaining to me that the Lord left his Kingdom to our care, and only by staying connected to our heart, can we administer his territory (Earth) according his Loving and Conscious Will.

I was then brought in the current state of the world. I was sent in the immense heartless gearing of a production factory. It felt like animal farming but for humans. It was all about production, power, control, profit with no consideration for human feelings and happiness. Facing the actual reality of the matrix and new world order was incredibly brutal for my conscience under Ayahuasca. As Teal’s husband, I became interested to better understand SRA (Satanic Ritual Abuse) and the abominable treatments she went through in her childhood in order to become a more supportive husband. Before I knew her, I was aware of conspiracy theories like most of us but I felt powerless to do anything about it. The information on the Internet seemed sensational, contradictory in nature and not very scientific. I felt I could not verify the veracity of one perspective against the other, so I let go and just went after my own business dealing with things I was actually in control of, which was my work, my relationship and diverse activities that increased my quality of life. A turn around of my thinking happened when I read Breaking the Chain from Svali, a former Illuminati trainer. It was so similar in many ways to what I heard from Teal direct cult experience that I knew she was telling the truth. Two other books from former president models Cathy O’Brien and Brice Taylor Trance:Formation of America and Thanks for the memories confirmed to me the corruption and moral depravity of our world leaders, and that the situation is much worse that I had initially envisioned. Most of what we are taught or hold for true are sadly just lies and manipulation. History is teaching us that we defeated the Nazis. They have actually won as their most lethal weapon Mind Control has infiltrated all parts of society that has money and power: politics, large corporations, media networks, music & sports industry all over the world. Actually, the top German experts in mind control such as Josef Mengele were placed in top US universities in complete secrecy to continue their research. The new world order is already in place as the elite realized it was much easier to control the masses when they are ignorant to what is exactly going on. The creation of superhuman slaves through trauma based mind control and dissociation is the covert tool for the elite to lead society in any way they chose to. Presidential elections are decided in advance or when they are not, they make sure to control both candidates that are presented to the people. This was the case in the USA with Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, and it was again the case in France with Marine Le Pen and Emmanuel Macron. National elections are nothing but a puppet show designed to distract the masses to what is really going on. The actual world leaders are not the ones that are fed to us by the media. These leaders are just corrupt puppets that have already sold their soul to the devil through criminal activities, sex deviance and various addictions. The world as we know it is actually governed by black lodges that act in complete secrecy to feed demonic or low astral entities that have cut themselves from the Source. As a result, their only way to sustain themselves is through manipulation and stealing energy from beings who are still connected with their heart with the divinity, basically people like us. “Grandmother” showed me more clearly the covert ways of how we all get corrupted. I am going to give you some examples. Being vegan is quite inconvenient in our society, so we develop the taste and the craving for unethical food that require the systematic murder of our animal friends. These foods are heavily advertised through the mainstream media. By buying and eating this food, we become the partner in crime of the elite so now we have to defend them to cover our own shame. Let’s look at another form of insidious corruption. We work hard to develop skills and abilities to get us ahead and create a better world together. During our progression, we reach a spot where we get closer to a leader that we used to admire. As we get to know him personally, we realize then his level of moral depravity and we feel disillusioned and helpless. We exchange then our sincere desire to do good for the world and our longing for a merciful God for the vanity of belonging with the “big boys”. There is then no turning back as our thirst for power and security make us then commit some actions that if revealed would make us lose everything. As we get corrupted, we become easily controlled and manipulated. This is one of the reasons why the leading politicians are such sex addicts. They had to corrupt themselves to such an extent to get to the top that sexual deviance is used to sedate them as their conscience that is tormenting them. At least this is true for the ones that are not completely disconnected and dead inside. Many facets of society are conducive to traumas that promote disconnection and selfishness so that, we, the masses are more easily manipulated. There is only one escape from this somber reality. It is the connection to our own heart. Purity, personal integrity and self-discipline, the antithesis of corruption, is what keeps this heart link alive. At that phase on my shamanic journey, I see the voice of the Lord (Christ Consciousness) on the other end of my heart. This is the inner guidance and connection we desperately need not to give in the manipulation and venality of our leadership. In their gloomy reality, everything is transactional. People’s value is judged according a hierarchy, as they hold no value in themselves. It is a predatory environment based on exploiting rather than taking care. It is a world full of backstabbing, lies, manipulation, betrayal, selfishness and apathy. To realize the split in oneself between the two realities of our heart and disconnected mind is the first step towards healing, and loosening the grip with our own demons. How we spend our time, what we buy, who we connect with will strengthen or weaken the parts of this polarity. Become a vegetarian, avoid watching TV and mainstream media, develop authentic heart-based relationships, maintain a healthy balance in your life between work, family & friends, be kind with all living beings, buy an electric car with solar panels on your roof, honor the word you gave, be congruent with your value system in all of your relationships, and build a trusting connection with the divinity. These are some practical steps we can take to do our part in this confusing world to slowly develop an internal frame of reference when faced with the brutality of the truth regarding the world elite.

During that night with “grandmother”, I was brought many times to my wife. I felt so much love towards her that the words are lacking to express this ecstatic feeling. As a species, I saw how our need to attach is so critically important. Our society and even the spiritual field is so much about developing independence however it is unnatural. This is why understanding attachment theory is such an important key in one’s personal healing and in explaining most personality disorders. Attaching to someone we love is so critical and healthy to our personal development. This is another reason why I am excited to facilitate our next singles retreat in July, and catalyze people in finding new love. Relationships are hard but there is nothing else in life that can bring the same level of contentment and fulfillment. I could see at a deeper level my absolute terror for aloneness, and accept it as something healthy. We have been shamed for wanting intimate connection as it makes us look needy, weak and dependent while this is our birthright. It is also natural to be frightened to attach as it is so painful to lose the connection once the relationship breaks. This is why I want to educate people to recognize a match when they find one and then to empower them with tools to help grow the relationship and avoid rupture. There is something truly sacred when two people commit to each other. Only a life with love is worth living. I was shown how when a woman marries a man, she gives herself to him and to that extent, he becomes her owner. However, this is ownership in the sense of nurturing and taking care in the same way Teal & I feel responsible for the land we own at Philia with all the trees, plants, animals and bugs. We will not kill even a snake or a scorpion on our property. We are not speaking here of ownership the way that the corrupt elite think of, as their understanding of ownership is nothing but exploitation. The millions of mind controlled slaves today in the world can attest to this fact.

During this new experience with Ayahuasca, I developed a new relationship with purging. Purging is used by Ayahuasca as a purification mechanism. Let’s agree to call demon, a repressed and unhealthy attachment, belief, negative emotion or fear that is here to repress a sense of lack we have within ourselves. As we experience resistance to let go of our inner demons, Ayahuasca would sometimes attach them to our own fluid to purge both at the same time. This process is painful but salutary. 3 months ago, I did so much purging that I was really not looking forward to it again. Fortunately, this time, purging was only required on two occasions. The first one was related to the culpability around my children. Interestingly enough, I thought I was exempt of culpability as I hold consciously the belief that I always do my best so if it could have been better, it would have been. Actually, Ayahuasca made me realize that I was deeply repressing the culpability of losing my children. It was difficult to accept so “grandmother” had to get me to expel it physically. It felt such a relief once this energy was out of me. The second one was related to an action that I had taken that I knew was not in the interest of a loved one while it made financially sense. The mind had fortunately won and I was full of remorse. I had to suffer the potential consequence of damaging a very important connection for a monetary gain and realized deeply that it was not worth it. I made the decision to come clean to the person, take full responsibility for my decision and openly communicate about the shadow that had taken a hold of me. I ended up doing this a couple of days later and the person, while dissatisfied, did not hold a grudge as he felt I was sincere with my regrets. “Grandmother” challenged me throughout the night with some of my beliefs and actions. She would tell me “we can do this the easy way or the hard way”. This time, she only had to do it twice the hard way, which is something I am very thankful for. I developed a new understand regarding our relationships with demons. Demons are not able to have a hold on us unless we repress feelings or emotions. Denial is a necessary condition for demons. I got to understand better why Teal is so open with her emotions when sometimes it does not show her in the best light. By being authentic on how she truly feels, even if it can be frown upon as a spiritual teacher, she makes herself less vulnerable to these demonic entities. I am also trying to be more open about my own struggles so that many will follow, and together we can be more authentic and accelerate our path of healing and learning. The most deviant men today are often the ones that are looked with the highest regards: our presidents, heads of religious institutions or non-profit organizations, artists or sports idols. The books I mentioned above will make you realize this fact. They appear saintly for the media but participate in the worst perversions behind closed doors. Many people have become experts in projecting an appearance they give that have nothing to do with reality. As we come closer to seeing reality, the level of manipulation is such that we can feel lost in believing in anything or anyone anymore. In fact, when an action is made and tries to solicit positive attention, it is already suspicious. Productive narcissism as defined by Ross Rosenberg in the Human Magnet Syndrome is still narcissism. It is enough for our intentions, thoughts and deeds to be known by the divinity. Ultimately, as we need to cross over death, this is the only authority we will have to respond anyway.

I am currently counseling a business executive in developing a truly connecting and intimate relationship with his new partner. Despite his best intention, he is unable to feel into her, see her and understand her, which activate many insecurities in her and lead to conflict. He sees her as emotionally unstable and acting out for no valid reason. He thought I would help him to fix her so he became surprised when I confronted him that most of the work would have to get him to reconnect to his heart. When I talked to him, I felt true compassion, as I understand the struggle and suffering to go through to bring back to life our inner child. Unfortunately, in the business world, we are often rewarded to develop a sociopathic behavior. 10 years ago, I remember telling a new older executive I hired for my company that I was proud that I had never fired anyone in my company. He made fun of me and told me that he is going to get me tougher. Two years later, I had to go through a downturn and had to fire almost half of the company. He congratulated me for my “progress” and expediency. As a business executive, we need to make many decisions that impact people life and families. With the goal to succeed in a highly competitive environment, we do not give ourselves the time to feel and evaluate the consequence of our decisions on our employees’ emotional life. As a consequence, we learn to feel less & less. After 20 or 30 years in a position with responsibility, we have develop the capacity to disconnect so much that we have become incapable to develop a truly intimate and connecting relationship. We start treating our significant other like an employee as we start optimizing the home life in the same way as our office life. The irony is that most of our professional success is driven by the desire to be loved, admired and respected by our loved ones. It often leads us to a place where we are wealthier but actually alone. I am spending now a lot of my time undoing what I thought was useful to my career. I want to tell the younger generation that it was not worth it. Money & power is never worth selling your soul to the devil and disconnecting with your inner child. Do not compromise your personal integrity for short-term financial gains. It is however easier said than done and the temptations are plenty.

“Grandmother” brought to me a new understanding about people suffering with borderline personality disorder (BPD). This disorder comes often hand in hand with people who went through very severe abuse or have complex PTSD. These people do not have the means to cope with life. Borderline individuals are the psychological equivalent of third-degree burn patient. They simply have, so to speak, no emotional skin. For this reason, the slightest touch or movement can create immense suffering for the borderline. Yet, on the other hand, life is movement so they find themselves in permanent pain and crisis. I was shown that if everyone would lose their capacity to cope just like the borderline, then the world would rapidly become a better place. By coping, the rest of us are actually enabling and feeding the dysfunctionality of this world. Every day, we keep accepting the unacceptable: killing our animal friends for food when it is absolutely unnecessary, keeping our corrupt leaders unaccountable for their crimes, exploiting and polluting our earth for profit, ignoring the abuse of minorities as long as we are not part of it. What would happen if we were to become physically incapable to participate to all of this wrongdoing? A similar analogy can be made of autistic children who from a spiritual perspective are refusing to engage in our 3D reality as a wake-up call.

During the night, “grandmother” kept revisiting with me all these various topics, going deeper every time. At dawn however I shed my first tears as I felt fully the pain of separation with my two children, my little ones that will always be my babies. They are the flesh of my flesh (“la chair de ma chair” in French). It is so hard to feel alienated by them as I have not had contact for about a year. I am then shown the suffering of cows that are separated from their calves at birth for the dairy industry. The cows are then made to produce milk in an industrial way as they are in distress wondering what happened to their babies. The male baby calves are actually brought to a horrible death by the meat industry. The agony of the mother crying for her babies goes in the milk and the cheese that you eat everyday. As I relate to this suffering, I decide to let go of dairy products. It is not an easy for a French man as we are so attached to our cheese. I decide to use the natural cultural temptation of my body preferences and associate it with the future reconnection with my children. Every time I say no to dairy products, I connect with the suffering of these poor cows longing for their babies, which I connect with my own loss. This loss though uncomfortable is a way I can connect today with my children and send them my love on the inner planes. It does not matter how much it hurts, I make the commitment that I would rather be connected and be in pain rather than disconnected. I do not want to contribute more to the world misery. I still hold so much grief for losing my children. I realize however that I will be their caretaker for the rest of my life whether they accept it or not in this dimension. They live in me just as I live in them whether they are denying this reality presently. This is why it feels so ridiculous that they are currently made to believe they have no father or being assigned substitute fathers. Fortunately or unfortunately, the connection between biological parents and children can never be erased. I experience then compassion for my own parents and while I have diverging views with them, I promise to give an honest shot at loving them. I do not have to make what they have done OK to love them. I can love them even though I disapprove of many of their actions. The fact is they need peace and appreciation like anyone of us. If our children keep evolving and raise their standards for parenting, they will probably find that many of our behaviors were abusive. It is not always easy to love our parents especially if one of our parents keeps hurting us. However by being at war with them, we only are getting at war with ourselves. It is a difficult balance to achieve and only within the deepest places of our heart, can we know if it is best for us to maintain distance or develop a closer connection with them at a given time. Suddenly, I start breaking down as I relive the double abandonment from my mother and father when I was 11 year old. I am disappointed as I thought I had already worked through this trauma 5 years ago. Obviously, there was still much more to release as I now sob uncontrollably. “Grandmother” then shows me that my subconscious mind used my own children to re-experience the pain of this double abandonment. My daughter was the first one to disconnect with me. This feels like my mother who left me behind to live a new life as she is in too much pain. Then 6 months later, my son decides to stop all communication with me. This is a remembrance of my father who gives up on me, as he feels overwhelmed by the pressure he is under. I am called to apologize on this blog to my own children that I used them subconsciously to heal traumas from my own childhood. I want to tell them that the horrible experiences they had to go through are not their fault. This is not their pain. It is their mum and dad’s pains that were replayed subconsciously. It is unfair and cruel to them. This is why it is so important we do everything we can to heal emotionally before we have children. I have failed in this instance as I could not prevent the ordeal and tragedy my children had to go through. After I was able to fully relive this trauma, I hope they will feel more invited to reconnect with me as they could see I come more from a place to add to their lives instead of repeating the hurt from my past. In the meantime, I want them to know that they have teaching me unconditional love like no one before as I patiently wait for our reconnection. Papa thinks of you everyday and has never abandoned you.

And you “Grandmother”, I thank you for revealing to me so many insights that help me to become a better and more connected man. Your wisdom is grounded in simplicity, truth and heart connection. Thank you for guiding my steps. I will finish this blog with some humor from our friend JP Sears’ video “If Trump drank Ayahuasca”

The Human Doing

April 23, 2017June 28, 2019 / vaillantgicqueau / 10 Comments

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Yesterday, we went hiking with the family and visited an aviary with birds from all over the world. I had decided to organize some fun family time as I understood how important is “together time” for Winter, Teal and our extended family. Teal and I travel often and I have many activities and responsibilities that occupy my time and I recognized I was not present enough to my stepson and members of the extended community such as Graciela. As we were about to start on our day trip, Winter started to act out and refused to come. A couple of years ago, if it had been my children, I will have raised my voice and coerced them into getting into the car, shutting their feelings as I felt I knew better what was right for them. Fortunately, Teal knows better and she took the time to engage a dialog with her son. She got him to a point to express his discomfort. And as we were driving to the mountain, he started to give us to our awe a remarkable speech on the power of the attachment theory with the words of a 7 year old. He expressed how his heart was starting to feel distrust as people acting as nannies would come in and out of his life. He felt very connected to a community member that last year for a variety of reason had to leave us temporarily and as a result he is now feeling a resistance to get close again to new caretakers as he feels they would leave and the pain of separation would be too great to handle. He explained in a remarkably clear way for a 7 year old what he needed to feel very close to this individual again. She felt so moved by his words that she started shedding tears. I used this opportunity to ask Winter about our own personal connection and with his hands, he showed me the separation between him and I which was significant. He basically said that I was around but not really there. His statement moved me deeply too. He is right that I am not really present to him as a stepdad as I have not made it a priority and often find myself delegating his caretaking to other members of the community. We talked and we decided together to spend at least once a week some time just the two of us so that we can truly connect and feel closer to one another.

As we drove back in the evening, I told Teal that I felt a heavy heart and would love to do a process with her on it, before working on the computer. I had pain in my upper neck, which was an indication I was repressing emotions. Teal helped me work through some triggers and did some body work on me. Her hands are truly magical as her extra sensory gifts showed her visually the stuck energy in my body. At that point, she felt I was ready for an authentic talk. She confronted me that while we spent the day together, she felt I was not really engaged and present with the rest of them. It was hard to hear at first as I had organized the full day to make it fun for everyone, and it felt like all of us had a good time. I reviewed then the day in my mind and could see her perspective. I had spent the day a lot in my own mind. I did not make particular efforts to engage with anyone. I found myself a couple of times alone during the activities as I was either before or behind our small group. I asked to read my book in the car instead of going to the store shopping for clothes for Winter. I started to feel bad. I tried to do the right thing by organizing a fun family day but I had failed. I had been physically present but not emotional present to the family. As a result, my wife was actually starving of connection after a day dedicated to spending time together as a family! I pushed my projects aside that evening and made sure all my attention and focus would be on her and us.

Teal was right. I was acting as a human doing and not a human being, and I was making them feel while I was with them that I did not want to be there and that I would rather work on my projects. I became conscious that I had the same pattern with my previous family. I would go on hikes, often leading the way in the front of everyone, not curious about my children inner world, feelings, endeavors, content with a shallow connection while this would our only day off in a busy Silicon Valley work week. Shortly after Alina and I separated, I tried to make the time spent with my children special, and I would organize special trips, time with friends or activities during the time I had them. They however complained to me that what they really wanted was to connect to me instead of always being distracted. I felt unappreciated as I felt I was really trying to make our time together special. I was making them feel that they were not enough by themselves for themselves and that I had to always add more stimulation to make the time spent with them acceptable. This was not my conscious intent. This was more my own projection. I felt subconsciously I was not good enough that they would enjoy spending time with me without additional entertainment. People around me often feel that I would rather do something else than truly being and connecting with them. Despite my 25 years on the spiritual path, I felt disabled in my connection abilities. I was feeling powerless to create the very feelings in myself and others that are so important to me.

As I went deeper into my process with the support of Teal, I realized the trauma was coming from dad side. His mother would rarely visit him when he was a child. He subconsciously felt she would rather not be with him as she felt shame for the relationship that had given birth to him. Their infrequent meeting was more a painful reminder that there was something wrong and bad with him. My grandmother always lived in her own world too and always had difficulty connecting with family members at a deeper level while appearing as a socialite to the outside world. She had a sister called Tati Jojo who was very kind to us, and we developed a much deeper relationship with her, and this created some jealousy on my grandmother side as she could not understand why my sister and I felt closer to Tati Jojo than her as she was not aware of her relating pattern. We are dealing here with generational trauma. My grandmother mother died when she was 11. Her father quickly remarried. The new wife did not like her and her sister. They were kicked out of the house and had to start working at the post office in their early teens to sustain themselves. Then, 50 years later, my parents divorced when I was 10. My sister and I stayed initially with my father but because of the insecurity of my stepmother and the codependency of my father, I was sent back to be with my mother while I had asked my dad to stay with him. Again, I felt powerless not to repeat the same pattern. My son was 11 when Alina and I separated. While I did everything on my end to fight for an integrated family structure after the divorce, my children were taught to hate my new wife while they never met her, and from their perspective, they felt abandoned by a dad that would choose another woman over them. Any family trauma that is not healed, repeats from generation to generation, often in a tragic way.

After my parents divorced, some of the most painful time I experienced was the time spent with my father. During that time, I felt invisible. Though the times we would spend together were rare, he was not emotionally present to me. It felt like he would rather do something else and be somewhere else. I felt non-existent, small and unworthy of love. He often had hurtful comments or clumsy gifts that made me feel worse about myself. From his perspective, he felt he was making efforts trying to be a good father while still acting from his hurt inner child not very differently to what I am doing today with my closed ones. I understand that he often thinks of me and believes he loves me however his actions more often than not send a different message. He is not an abusive man. He is actually doing what he can but because of his own upbringing, he has incapacity to connect and make other people feel special because deep inside, he feels very unworthy. And I have to accept that he is a mirror of me. My father would often tell me that he and his parents were proud of my school results. As a result, I felt I could only be valued for my successes and external accomplishment not for who I am. I learned that people did not have a real desire to connect to me. I always strived to be the best at school so that I would have a chance to be loved. I became a human doing, and experienced for most of my adulthood relationships that were conditional in nature as a result.

Then Teal brought me to a visualization of the type of father that I really wanted as a child. This father would be fully present to me, he would be a teacher full of wisdom about life and relationships. When we would interact, he would focus and empathically listen to me, he would show concern, have the sincere desire to know me deep inside. He would be excited to spend time with me. I would always be on his mind. He would show small gestures of love making me feel important. He would act as a protector when necessary and always be available for me when I need it. He would encourage me, help me overcome my fears, have a sympathetic ear, and show both strength and vulnerability. As I contemplate who my inner child really wanted as a father, I come to realize the brutal truth that in my present life, I often act more like my father than being the man my inner child has been starving for. From this painful awareness, I feel a sincere desire to change. I understand that to truly heal my life, my relationships, it is time to give my inner child what I always wanted and give it to the closest people of my life. For you Winter, I want you to feel that I enjoy spending time and connecting with you, that you are important to me, that I will be careful with your heart and not pull away, that I am interested to understand and see the unique being that you are. For you Teal, I want you to feel that I would rather be with you than doing anything else in the world, that you are my top priority. I want to make you feel safe, cared for, cherished and adored. I want you to feel that I am an expert of you and always care about your best interest. I want to be your anchor, strength and stability even during the storms of life. I want to share the same qualities to my extended family. As I heal, I sincerely hope that my own children will feel the call of my heart and will consider reconnecting with me as they feel I could improve their lives and support them authentically instead of being a liability.

I remember that in the past I have tried to bring these higher masculine qualities however I am now realizing that I attempted to do so while repressing my inner child. Now, I am committed to bring these qualities within me while staying present to my inner child. My man self not only need to take care of my loved ones but also to my hurt little boy, as he is being reflected externally. This is why relationships are such an accelerated track for expansion. And by living a life with the spiritual catalyst, all my shadows appear clearly and there is nowhere to hide as everything is reflected and amplified.

In my life, I have been a human doing more than a human being and it is not a surprise I spent 20 years in the Silicon Valley where a regular work week is 70 hours without counting the side projects to get ahead. As a human doing, how we feel about ourselves is only connected to our accomplishments. We received compliments as a child only when we achieved something special externally. This is true to me and also to Teal’s childhood. This style of parenting is very common and well regarded in society. While it is better than emotional neglect, most people do not realize the amount of damage done by this parenting style. To be worthy of love, children learn to behave a certain way and accomplish certain results otherwise love is removed. They learn they do not have an intrinsic value. Unfortunately, everyone knows that the satisfaction derived by accomplishments is always short lived. When I was 20, after I entered one of the top engineering schools of France after national competitive exams, my joy only lasted a couple of weeks and quickly turn into depression as I lost the escape mechanism for my own inner void and childhood trauma. Teal told me yesterday that a happy wife will mean much more to me than any of my accomplishments in terms of personal happiness. She is so right. As we grow older, our joy comes more and more from simple pleasure of connecting and relating instead of our past achievements. As a human doing, we develop an addiction to cross as many items from our list in order to feel fulfilled for the day instead of feeling how we have impacted each other lives for the better. As a human doing, failure to perform means worthlessness and that we are undeserving of love.

I can see how this pattern has affected most of my relationships. Every time I have fallen in love, the first couple of months are heavenly. There is no time, just the pleasure to connect with one another. A day feels like a couple of minutes. Then the intensity of the infatuation subsides, and a covert subconscious belief comes in. It makes me feel that unless I am able to have achievements, she will leave me because I am not good enough on my own. So I pull away to focus on my activities in order keep the love I cannot afford to lose. By pulling away, I bring dissatisfaction to my mate that starts pulling away to protect herself emotionally and my very fear of the lost love becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. She feels abandoned, not good enough for who she is and her own insecurity is brought up. She feels unloved and unworthy at her turn. Inevitably, she detaches to make me feel the way I make her feel and the relationship becomes rocky. I become alone in my accomplishments and do not understand why love is going away while I am working so hard, and do so much for my wife and the family. This is the tragedy of the human doing.

Instead, by focusing on our children feelings, values, efforts, how they treat other people, we show them we truly care for who they are, and not only have concerns about their results. Let’s leave that for the corporate world. Transactional relationships may be OK for the business world however they are toxic for family relationships as we need to instill unconditional love to our children to create the new earth. We will then raise children with less fear of failure that are free to experiment and discover their unique gifts, as their self-esteem is not in danger when they do not perform according expectation. We may fear that this attitude may make them under achievers however by doing so, we focus on the very underlying conditions of success and we make them connect to their individual talent derived directly from their inner child. Movement, spontaneity and creativity are natural in children, not apathy. Inactivity and aloofness are the mark of trauma not of a healthy emotional upbringing. Our children can achieve success in two different ways. One will be a direct expression of their being, happiness and creativity, and will often translate in fulfilling and meaningful careers. Other will achieve success at the price of intense inner struggles, coping mechanisms, misery along the way often followed by a crash, realizing later in life that they hate their job and their lives. They will often fool people on the outside as everyone think they are successful. These two categories of success can be observed in all walks of life, especially with top athletes. The human doing is the personality than has repressed the human being or the inner child, the seat of the soul with all its creative, expressive and intuitive abilities. Our human doing has done enough damage shutting down our inner child. It is time to have our human doing serve our human being for a truly meaningful and satisfying life.

Do you want to be a human doing or a human being? What do you want your children to become?

Earth, the shame planet

April 16, 2017June 28, 2019 / vaillantgicqueau / 13 Comments

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This morning when I woke up, I felt some intense and dark heavy energy. For the last 6 years, meditation has been my refuge when I was faced with challenging emotions. For this reason, I put on my favorite meditation music, sat and started to listen to my internal world. I have verified what Teal teaches, which is that strong emotional triggers can be used as a rope to get deep within yourself and to get unique insights about the healing that needs to be brought forth. Often the strong energy of the trigger will bring on an altered state of consciousness. In this altered state of consciousness, you can see yourself from a higher perspective.

The first energy I felt was connected to the loss of my two children that I have not been able to talk with for almost a year now. A wave of shame ensued. How bad do you have to be if your own children aged 11 and 13 refuse to have any contact with you? At a conscious level, I can understand the psychological dynamics at play. I intellectually understand that because of the many complex aspects involved in this situation I should not be so hard on myself. However I find that my inner child is unable to separate from the deep shame created by this separation.

In my coaching role over the years, I have worked with many people that have daddy issues. Some of them had the most horrible fathers but the children were still trying to have a relationship with their father. They were doing this despite an obvious lack of reciprocity. I am not saying I was the perfect father as I can see that I have made many mistakes along the way as a father. I did what I could with what I knew at the time. Losing all contact with both of my children (like I never existed for them in the first place) feels utterly unfair and cruel. It feels so painful.

At this time during my meditation, I remembered my talk with my friend Avtar in Atenas, Costa Rica. He was telling me that I was making the pain worse by creating a story about the situation that would make me feel worse and solicit other people’s support. I challenged him. I told him that there is a part of us that requires validation, care and concern when we are confronting pain and suffering. Dismissing and discounting the part of us that is suffering is even more damaging. I shared my personal experience with him that I had become an expert at coping. Earlier in my life, I developed the ability to perform & function no matter what the circumstance. I had created a spiritual personality that could always see the silver lining in everything and even convince myself that situations that are traumatic are “all perfect”. While this is true from a higher dimensional perspective, it was only after being with Teal that I realized that I was bypassing and that I had repressed a lot of traumas this way. As a result, they kept manifesting externally. This is exactly what happened with the loss of my children.

My spiritual personality had shut down my inner child and left me disconnected. I had lost my spontaneity and my aliveness. Avtar and I agreed that it is important to avoid the two extremes of identifying with the story around the pain and repressing it. There is always a higher alternative which is to fully experience the energy around the trigger without a story and let this energy runs its course without resistance within ourselves.

As I reflected back on our conversation, I let myself fully experience the pain without identification or without the need to create a story around my pain. I went to a higher perspective and saw that I was continuously creating and emitting the energy of loss in my life. I dove into the energy of loss and I saw my life from this perspective. I re-experienced the loss of intimate partners that I was so close to. I felt their betrayal. I felt the pain of losing my stepson. I felt the pain of losing most of my friends who cut all contact with me after I made the decision to leave the cult I was a member of when I was 23. I felt the pain of losing my own children after a horrendous court battle. I felt the pain of suffering the betrayal of colleagues and employees that I worked with so closely for a long time. I have a self-concept that I am a good guy however all these events seem to show a different story. They show a herd of people angry with me, seeing me as an awful person. I acknowledged this fact and sank into the deep shame underneath all these events.

In the meditation, I was brought back to my parents and I was shown their shame. Shamanism teaches us that we inherit all of the unresolved issues of our parents through our genes. My mother lost her own mother when she was 3 years old after a neighbor had reported the abuse of the new stepfather. She became a foster child raised by an old lady. She was taught to shower in the dark because her own nudity was considered shameful. She was forbidden to turn on the light to do her homework so as to not waste the money of her caretaker. She was instructed to use worn ugly clothes in order to not attract the envy and the negative attention of people that were paying for her upbringing through subsidies with their tax money. My mother’s first love died in his early twenties from terminal illness.

My father’s story is also built upon shame. Unbeknownst to him (until he was in his sixties), his mother became pregnant with him after a love affair with a Nazi officer during the Second World War. She moved away and managed to hide the truth of the situation. However in order to avoid a possible punishment, she gave her son away to an old lady in the countryside. She would send her money, and rarely would visit. Though she loved him, she was incapable of hiding her own feelings of shame about this liaison from her son. It was only after getting more stable in her life and marrying the man that I thought was my grandfather that she took her son back. He was 10 years old. At that time, he hardly knew any French and was acting more like a wild animal than a boy of his age. Considering their background, my parents did relatively well. However, all of the shame they were not able to transform was passed to my sister and to myself.

For this incarnation, I chose to be the son of two parents who were struggling with huge shame issues. During this meditation, I saw my soul contract with shame. 4 years ago, during a spiritual experience, I saw how earth was a prison planet. I saw a vision that we were all souls that had deviated from the divine plan. I saw that from our own freewill, we started to hurt other beings in the universe and as a result, were brought to earth to re-learn the consequences of our actions to become benevolent again. From this perspective, we are like fallen angels using earth as our purgatory. Our sense of guilt has brought us to our human experience.

For a couple of years, I volunteered in jail as a chaplain to provide spiritual guidance to inmates. I realized that most convicts carry an immense amount of guilt and this is how they become a match to the experience of jail. There are a lot of people that have committed much worse actions that walk freely in the world today. If they experience no guilt, they would not end up in jail. This is why someone like Doc (Teal’s abuser) is still walking freely today. In this new meditation I saw how shame, even more than guilt, was the energy that was attaching us to earth. It is acting just like the force of gravity.

In the spiritual community, people see Love as being the opposite of Fear. From this new perspective, I could see how all fears stem from shame. When I am jealous, I feel ashamed about not being good enough for my partner. When I am afraid to do public speaking, I am ashamed to look like a fool. When I am afraid to lose my job, I am ashamed that I cannot support myself or ashamed of the disapproval of my supervisor. Most conflicts in relationship emerge from shame as well. We are desperately trying to make each other wrong so that we can be good. This is a deep realization I had with Teal a couple of weeks ago and now, we decided to practice owning our shame consciously rather than deflecting it in order to avoid conflict escalation.

I recently read the excellent book of Ross Rosenberg called ‘The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us’. He describes the codependent, narcissistic and borderline personality disorders and how they play out in relationship dynamics. As a result of reading this book, I realized that all personality disorders live within us in various degrees because they are the direct result of emotional abuse or neglect that took place in our childhood. From that perspective, there is no mental illness but only traumas that have not been released or integrated. When I realized this true cause of personality disorders, I began to see that these personality disorders all come from the shame we acquired in the face of trauma.

As a child, if something bad happens to us, we need to create meaning to deal with the suffering and most of time the meaning we create is that we are bad and this is why we deserve to get into painful experiences. The personality disorder we will develop will depend upon our degree of powerlessness in face of trauma and our own predisposition for coping. Of the three types, the codependent is the least powerless. While still raised in an environment where their emotional needs cannot be met, they are able to somehow affect the response of their caretakers. For example, a child like myself could have felt powerless with his mom’s mood swings, emotional unavailability and dark suicidal thoughts however he may have been able to get his mom’s attention by crying to evoke her pity at the very least. Codependents learn to control other people through various emotional manipulation strategies because they are not able to meet their emotional needs directly.

The codependent has a desperate need to appear to be the good guy to cover up his own inner shame. The two other disorders (Narcissists and Borderlines) develop from complete and utter powerlessness to create any needed emotional reactions from their early caretakers and they will split into 2 groups. The first group develops the ability to shut down their feelings as a coping mechanism to cover their own shame. These people can end up being narcissists, sociopaths or psychopaths. They become unable to feel. They replay their own inner drama externally, often by creating great pain around them. More often than not, men will adopt this coping mechanism because they are head centered. When the individual is unable to stop feeling as a coping mechanism, they will most likely develop borderline personality disorder. This often translates into self-injury, self-hate, suicidal tendencies and emotional deregulation. Women who are more heart centered are most likely to develop this personality disorder. This personality type creates a lot of turmoil around them however they are creating a living hell for themselves more so than for anyone else.

Some of the descriptions of these personality types may appear extreme, however we should consider that each one of us demonstrates some of these traits depending on the amount of unresolved trauma we experienced. And you will always find shame at the core of each dysfunction. Skilled therapists are reluctant to use these labels (narcissist or borderline) because they know their clients will automatically feel shame as a result of being put into that box, which would make the therapy unproductive. These terms are only useful when used from the point of view of self-observation and accessing the wealth of knowledge and tools available around them. They are not useful as a shaming mechanism.

Today, I did an exercise where I listed all the things I am ashamed of. To my surprise, there was over one hundred items in this list! It felt like I was finally being authentic and it helped me release a very heavy emotional burden that I felt I have been carrying for a very long time. I am only sharing with you a few of them because I am too ashamed of the rest 😉

I am ashamed that I have been such a terrible father that my children have chosen not to have a relationship with me
I am ashamed that I am so unattuned that people sometimes see me as dangerous
I feel ashamed of my heavy French accent after 20 years in the US
I am ashamed that I trigger my significant other often
I feel ashamed that I am not valuable enough to my father that he decided not to go to my wedding with Teal
…

This exercise helped me so much that I would like to invite you to share your own shame list with all of us in the comments below. We should consider that most institutionalized religions and most social organizations are anchored in shame. I am finding that one of the fastest ways to advance on the path of liberation is to become consciously aware of your shame.

Inducing altered states of consciousness to speed up evolution

March 26, 2017June 28, 2019 / vaillantgicqueau / 20 Comments

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I never took drugs or spiritual medicine outside of a safe shamanic container. A good friend and roommate of mine first introduced me to medicine work when I was 26. At the time, I took LSD and it completely shattered my reality. It short cut my mind and gave me an insight into the truth of spiritual reality, love, consciousness, my own life and my ultimate purpose. What I especially loved about it is that it gave me a direct access to reality, what people call God or Source and the truth of who I am. Because of this experience, I developed a lot of respect for medicinal plants and would commonly recommend to seekers who feel stuck or who have minds that get on the way on their heart. Because many of these substances are illegal in the US, I found in my early thirties a completely safe and legal way to bring altered states of consciousness using holotropic breathwork. As a psychotherapist, Grof was involved in earlier tests on the therapeutic potential of LSD. When psychedelics were peremptorily banned in the 1960s, Grof developed holotropic breathing as a means of simulating the psychedelic experience of LSD without the drug itself. I found an excellent facilitator where I lived in San Francisco at the time: Todd Zimmerman. Todd taught one of our best workshop to date at Philia from March 11^th to 18^th 2017. While breathwork does not provide the psychedelic elements that you may found with substances, it does bring altered states of consciousness, visions into the subconscious, deep emotional release and inner journeying. Another benefit is that one is able to bring much more memory from the journey as this is a body centered experience.

After I started dating Teal, I decided not to do medicine work. First, she was not that comfortable with shamanic medicine because it is bringing very high intensity emotions and could prevent people from feeling fully day-to-day reality that now become dependent of substances to get a high. The cult that abused her used breathwork as a way to program her as well so she was not open to try it at the time. However, after she had a private breathwork session with Todd at Philia, she changed her mind completely on this practice and stated this was the single best healing modality I had introduced to her. From my perspective, the states of consciousness brought by these shamanic processes are just guides to show your potential and bring you back into alignment with your higher purpose. They give you a window into the actual emotional truth of where you stand in order for you to take adjustments or changes to live your life at a higher level. They are a sacred tool that should not be used for recreational purpose. And many who have not treated them with respect have been burned. I was comfortable stopping medicine work at the time too because I felt that Teal was acting as my medicine as she continued to shake my reality, not letting me believe my own lies and challenge my perception while our love story provided so much movement that any increased stimulation felt unnecessary.

After we decided the move to Costa Rica, I become very busy with all the logistics and ensuring that Philia would be a success from the get go. As a problem solver, I threw myself in this endeavor fully while I started to pay less attention to my relationship with Teal. Teal started to feel more and more uneasy. She started to express a lot of discontent that I could not understand. From my perspective, we were living on a magical property in beautiful Costa Rica, with our family and friends, starting a retreat center to heal people, a common dream we shared. Our relationship continued to deteriorate to a point that Teal & I started to feel hopeless. After almost two years, I felt I needed to go on a shamanic journey to get out of the dead end I found myself. We had received an application through Philia of a local Ayahuasca shaman so I invited him and his wife to meet with Teal & I. Teal instantly connected with him and felt guided to take this journey too but the shaman recommended that we do it on different days as some of our struggles related to our relationship. She had decided to go one day before. When she came back, she had difficulty walking, crashed with the intensity of everything she saw but relieved in many ways. We only had one hour together before I had to leave to my own journey. I remember her eyes full of love as she saw through her third eye what Ayahuasca would teach me by crashing me too. However, she was not allowed to share anything yet about her own experience and what would unfold for me.

Four other friends decided to join me for this Ayahuasca journey. For three of them, it was the first time taking it. It was only my second time. I had taken it previously 6 years ago with a Hispanic group and it had been a hard but very important learning experience. While I was the last one to take a cup of the sacred mixture early evening, I was the first to feel the effect of the sacred mixture and started to vomit only after a couple of minutes while it was only the first round even though I had fasted the last two days. The rest of the group took three turns and a friend even had four rounds and hardly felt anything. There is a saying that Ayahuasca always gives you what you need. Every person experience of Ayahuasca is unique. I started to purge heavily and hallucinate. My head was buzzing in an uncomfortable way. The surrounding shamanic music and the Costa Rica constant background of secators were being amplified to a state of discomfort. I was able not to go into panic, simply allowing the various fears to run their course while enduring the physical, emotional and mental pain of the experience. Teal had recommended me not to resist the place where Ayahuasca wanted to bring me. It took me two hours of torment & confusion to finally get to that place while the Shaman and his friend were attentive to all my needs while I was expressing distress as continued to purged. But when Ayahuasca came to finally take me, it hit me hard. An immense grief took possession of every cell of my body and I started sobbing uncontrollably. I saw my children. At that time, I had not seen them for a year (and it was at the court) and I have not talked to them for nine months as they refused to have any connection with me. Losing one’s children is probably one of most brutal experience one could ever experience. All this time, I had blocked the grief and the pain of this loss. I stayed in this grief space for about 14 hours simply feeling and sobbing. It was emotional painful however the release felt good too. I had told Teal & Mark (Teal’s ex husband) a week before that collapsing emotionally served no purpose. I realized that I was completely wrong as the crashing I was experiencing was healing me. I had so much grief accumulated in my body that I had become fully toxic to my extra sensory wife and I was more often than not choosing to dismiss her instead of acknowledging her distress or worse deflect my pain back to her. During the journey, I realized that at the same time I was grieving my children, my inner child was also grieving the fact that he did not have parents that were emotionally present to him. I was also grieving the fact that my personality had abandoned my inner child at a very early age that I had to be strong and to deal with childhood trauma on my own as I became a parentified child. I remembered myself not crying at all after the divorce of my parents when I was eleven, or my mother telling me that only me was capable of taking myself of the anxiety attacks I was susceptible as a young teenager. I remember learning to deal with my emotional pain alone because no one could be present with me during these times. I realized I had been abusing my inner child for over 40 years too. As is the case for development trauma, I gave myself the right to adopt new parents that could be fully present to my emotional needs. I saw clearly my coping mechanism to disconnect under pressure in order to do what I have to do. This state of disconnection had only increased Teal’s torment about our relationship. As this happened, the intentional community became more weary which increased the pressure on me and consequently on Teal which created a vicious circle. This vicious cycle was exacerbated as Teal’s outburst would make me shut down even further. I realized I needed more support from the team through a reliable management layer so that I could be the nurturing and attentive husband that my wife deserves. I saw my tendency to assume that something is wrong with her or try to fix her instead of acknowledging my responsibility in her distressed state. Regrets came through. I felt my lack of compassion towards her while holding her to very high personal behavioral standards that are not aligned to the extreme childhood traumas she endured. I also remember how Teal had shared with me so many words of wisdom or accurate explanation of what she and I were going through that I had completely dismissed. I saw clearly my resistance to her. As I suffered in the hands of a megalomaniac guru between 20 and 23 year old, I have used my logical mind as my safeguard and I have refused to take anyone on faith since. I have a need to understand to an extreme, and assume a position that other people are wrong unless they can prove me otherwise, which is a stress on relationships. I also saw my tendency to discount and dismiss other people. From four in the morning to noon, I continued to sob and experience my irrepressible grief. During that time, neither the shaman nor any of my friends came to support me. Because I was in an altered state of consciousness, I was as incapable as an infant to express the emotional need that I needed someone to hold my hand and to be present emotionally with me in this process. I had finally realized my need to feel supported and cherished by others instead of making it on my own, which I had done all my life. This time spent alone in my own torment seemed to feel like an eternity. I knew that I needed to have someone next to me and care for me to heal my development trauma to always do it on my own. Before that time, I did not really understand Teal’s words that the only way to heal from a development trauma is to meet the need that was not met in the first place. I had involuntarily inflicted a lot of pain on her through the trips to California I had to take from professional obligations last year not fully understanding her separation anxiety and not realizing that these separations were re-traumatizing to her as I thought she would simply get used to them as I felt I was doing the right and responsible thing. During these eight excruciable hours, I had to taste my own medicine and I had to deal with grief and isolation combined, and undergo the same ordeal that I had prescribed Teal a year ago. I stayed there for hours that seemed like months waiting to be liberated. While this was pure torture, I felt intuitively that this experience was brought to me so that I could feel her pain, which was one of the intentions I had set for this journey. All of my friends were done with their journey by early morning. They chatted, exchanged jokes and went for a nearby hike to a waterfall while I stayed suspended in limbo waiting, not knowing when I would be freed. Finally, around noon, the shaman came to me. I found the strength to make him understand that I need to feel his love and care as I finally get him to hold my hand. He gave me his unconditional presence but then start sharing with me some positive spiritual principles such as “there is only light and love”. This hurt me as I felt he did not see me or wanted to be with me in my pain. I start talking to him painfully to explain my need not to receive spiritual bypassing and I only wanted him to stay with me in my grief without trying to change or fix anything. I wanted to be loved unconditionally by him through his full presence, I wanted my deep sadness acknowledged, I wanted his empathy and compassion on how cruel the situation with my children had been. He got it. According the law of attraction, the painful reflection I am getting in my life is perfect but it is heartless and not conducive to healing when people reflect that high level abstract truth. Only a human perspective that is full of empathy, concern and compassion with all its raw emotions may bring healing. I only managed to start walking around 2 PM, about 20 hours after the start of the ceremony. The shaman brought me to walk into the river close to the property. He looked at me in the eyes and thanked me for the words I had shared with him. It really felt he brought a new understanding to support people even more deeply into their shamanic journeys. We looked at each other in the eyes and connected with profound love & respect. It is ironic that I managed to teach a Shaman a truth that I have been resisting so much to learn from Teal as my spiritual journey before her had been mostly about positive focus, spiritual bypassing and avoiding pain through filters and manipulating reality through my mind.

When I came back home, it felt good to be back and reconnecting with my beloved wife and share our mutual realizations from the journey. As I was now more aware that I have been disconnected, we decided that I should open to the community and ask for their help to provide their candid feedback if they find me insensitive so that I can be more aware of some of my coping mechanism to build a sincere desire for change. Unfortunately, it did not go as well as I expected. Eric shared his frustration that he is not yet in the place to help me because of accumulated resentment. The next morning, when we stopped by Graciela’s house, she announced that she is done with me that she is tired of getting hurt and does not want to support our relationship anymore without explaining what it meant in actual terms. Graciela’s face was marked with shock, anger and pain as she expressed her feelings. I was in disbelief not understanding how she could have built so much resentment and not even noticing it. This situation became unbearable for Teal as she was now put in the position to choose between her husband and best friend. Five members of the community spent the full day working on my difficult personality. I felt humiliated. This felt so unfair that everyone seemed to see that I was the only guilty one, but fault of another alternative I had to swallow to a full day of painful feedback, horrified by the picture held about me.

While I was hopeful that the Ayahuasca would heal Teal & I relationship, the opposite seemed to be happening. All the accumulated resentment built by the custody court case and my company transition that had translated into Teal’s worst possible nightmare were now all in the open and put considerable stress into our relationship. Over the next following days, some difficult arguments took place that made me feel more and more powerless, not really understanding the animosity towards me while I felt I did the best I could do every step of the way, always convinced I was doing the right thing.

Graciela had to withdraw for a couple of days from Teal & I to deal with the intensity of her emotions towards me. Graciela is a very conscious young woman fully committed to her personal development. Though it was clear my insensitivities and disconnection was a big part of the blow-up, she was able to acknowledge her own shadow and childhood traumas that I reflected back to her. She came to me with a pure and beautiful spirit of resolution. She had decided to come to me with an offering that will help me open my heart. Graciela is a woman working with Kambo and suggested she could help me through this modality to open my heart and let go of my protective narcissistic bubble. While my ego had resistance as I had to admit my own flaws, I know her ability and gift as a facilitator and decided to accept her present, especially that I was feeling again at a loss to create a beautiful relationship with the woman of my dreams. It would be a series a three sessions. Because of my schedule, we spread it out over a period of weeks.

The day before the first Kambo ceremony that I scheduled with Graciela, Teal was quite busy during the day and I was looking forward to reconnect with her in the evening. Unfortunately, when she came, Teal was very irritated towards me and I became the target of her anger and resentment. Our discussion went quickly downhill from there, so much that I asked her to practice silence together until we were able to express words that were conducive to resolution. Ten minutes of painful silence followed. Teal felt very resentful of two traumatic events that happened to us in 2016 when I had to make some difficult decisions that made her suffer though I stayed convinced this was the right decision. I started to explain to her the conundrum that I faced by using a simple example as the two other situations were too painful for a construction discussion. We brought a beautiful chime from Park City and Teal had hung it outside below our bedroom at Philia as it looked great there. Unfortunately, Costa Rica can have very windy nights and the chime would wake me up at night. I asked her if we could hang it somewhere else but she felt rightly so that was the best place for it. She suggested to tie it at night with a ribbon but I told it was unnecessary as I did not want to impose on her to do this every night as I felt she has way more important things to do. This example illustrated perfectly my coping strategy. I lived all my life as there is only two ways to deal with an unpleasant situation: you either cope by making the thing you do not like OK, or I change externally. Overtime, I managed to educate my willpower and endurance to such a degree that coping is typically my favorite option as I take the burden upon myself and do not need to create a conflict, however often at the expense of parts of myself. Also, to compensate for the fact that I can be more flexible on many small things, I developed a very strong core that is unmovable. Therefore, I would take sometimes a very strong stand and be extremely stubborn about it no matter what is the consequence to keep some form of identity. All of my life, I basically only gave myself two options. Either I cope by repressing my own needs and wants, or bulldoze my needs over others, which then forces me to cope to not care about the resentment of others. It never occurred to me before that there could be a third solution where I could consider a solution where both my needs and the other person needs would be addressed at the same time! It seemed obvious however it never occurred to me until that discussion with Teal. I suddenly realized how much damage this limited belief had done to my life and people close to me. That night, Teal actually put a ribbon around the chime and both of our needs were met easily. We practiced a role-play where we went back to the events where I imposed my needs over her, with this time the desire to consider both of us at the same time. To my surprise, this was actually possible but now it stopped building resentment and built trust instead as I actually showed genuine concern for her best interests. When a need conflict happens, the partners would need to express both of their needs and wants in a vulnerable way and start exploring out a solution together that could work for both. This may seem simple but I had never done this before. It was only either suppressing my needs or discounting the ones of others. It was always a lose-lose. Also, I realized that I used my spiritual practice all of my life to cope. I had become a master at filtering and altering reality, creating positive meaning to painful situations in order to feel better. This pattern runs in my family. My grandmother who is soon 101 year old is the happiest in her nursery home. She is surrounded by people who are dying, miserable and in pain most of the time and she only sees the positive. My father has no real relationship with his children, and a difficult marriage with heavy resentment but thinks his wife is too perfect. By being in denial, and making a painful and unacceptable situation OK, we actually make change impossible. Our filters will stop making reality painful, however unfortunately we then become enablers of very dysfunctional patterns and the repressed negative emotions find their reflection in the immediate environment. If a wife copes with the abuse of her husband, she accepts it and do not then try to change an ugly reality. By coping, adapting to our circumstances and to our world, we actually make things worse instead of better as we allow the dysfunction to continue. This intense realization had come just before the first Kambo ceremony just as the frog had started working on me.

I am now in front of Graciela before we start the Kambo ceremony. She asks me if I have an intention. Kambo is a hard process as the frog poison you absorb makes you vomit and purge in the most unpleasant ways. I call Kambo a mini Ayahuasca as it makes you purge in the same way but the journey lasts only one hour instead of a full night. These are medicines that are hard to get addicted to, as the purging is so unpleasant. I really did not feel at that moment to go through this experience again. I then looked at my present life and I realized the horror of my situation. The 3 people I love the most in this world resent me also the most also: my wife Teal and my 2 children from my previous marriage. I have had a disgruntled wife telling me she is not happy. I had the same situation in my previous marriage. I can feel the love nevertheless of Teal and my two children. I realize in this moment that I could not have dreamt of a more perfect wife. Even in my wildest dreams, I could not have wished for someone like Teal who is so spiritual, smart, beautiful, creative with a grand purpose. My children are also great kids: smart, gifted in so many ways with a big heart. At that moment, I decide to dedicate my Kambo session with Graciela to Love. I am doing this to bring back the flow of Love in my life for these 3 people. In this space, I can finally let go of my fear, take a leap of faith, as I have known for a long time that a life without Love is not worth living. Graciela now asks me to drink 1.5 liters of water. This is not easy and I feel bloated by the water. She then proceeds to burn my skin with a small wooden skin on my heart shakra where she decided to apply the Kambo. While unpleasant, this pain is nothing in comparison to the emotional pain I have just contemplated. She now spread the frog poison on my burns. After less than a minute, my heart starts beating intensely. I see the fear in some of my thoughts that my heart would stop beating. I let go of the resistance. I start vomiting, mostly water, as I fasted in the morning. It feels awful and deeply humbling as I keep purging. Fortunately, after only a couple of minutes, I vomit a core belief from my childhood called “Personne ne n’aime” which means “no one loves me”. It is hard to explain but it feels like this French sentence was physical and I actually spit out from my body at that time. I reflect and see the truth of this statement. I do not mean to put my parents under the bus as they did what they could with what they had. My father did not have parents until he was 10 year old and my mother lost her mum when she was 3 and she does not even remember any contact with her father. Because of their own family traumas, they simply could not give me what I was longing so much for, because they never received it in the first place: love, closeness and nurturing. The belief that “no one loves me” crystallized the harsh reality of how I was feeling as a child and stayed with me for almost the next 40 years. Core beliefs are so strong that your whole reality will actually get organized around them and create misery when it is a limited belief like this one. Following Teal’s core teaching, I stayed with the feeling, became fully present to my inner child holding this belief and validated him. I realized that even my external and worldly success was simply a coping mechanism for the fact I did not think I could be loved for who I was, and only performance could give me love. When I was six, my father gave me money as I brought back straight As from school. Therefore, I thought that if I were a good enough student, I would have love. At age 20, I passed the exam of one of the best school of France but crashed a couple of months after the admission when I realized that this accomplishment would not give me what I was so desperately looking without knowing: love. As a result, I joined a spiritual group, which ended up being a cult a couple of months later as I was desperately trying to find a way out of my emotional torment. I thought this spiritual group was everything I had always looked for. However, I left disillusioned 3 years later after realizing all the corruption and abuse orchestrated from the leader. I had been used and not loved. At 26, I entered a 15-year relationship & marriage, which brought two wonderful children in a course for status, success and money in the heart of the Silicon Valley. Unfortunately, when we mutually decided to part, I was ostracized by my ex wife and her parents and lost my children as a result. At that moment, I saw that my marriage had been more a contract based on mutual benefits than a relationship based on real love. In order for me to heal the child that believes that no one loves him, I need to give him what he truly wants: Love & Appreciation. Even at Philia, I had created a situation where team members would resent me because of my domineering attitudes that were focused on execution rather than connection. I also made it OK for people to resent me as long as they do their job. I have watched Teal do the opposite, something spending up to a full day to solve a problem with a person. I thought initially it was a complete waste of time not realizing she was working on alignment, and once people are fully aligned they will go the extra mile, be proactive and amaze you with the quality of their work. I made a commitment at that moment that it was not OK for me to be resented anymore. I had to stop this especially that our retreat center is based on connection. I felt I understood authenticity for the first time. I cannot be authentic by coping or imposing my needs above others. Instead, I need to focus on a third alternative that can only come through when I interiorize the other person needs. I saw the community too. I saw clearly in my medicine journey that one of our team members with responsibilities had been resentful towards me. To heal my inner child, I became apparent to me I had to stop making it OK for me to be resented. I put my life savings in this property and enormous efforts both for the move and property. I have not done that to get people to resent me. It felt very unfair. While I understood I created this situation to prove the belief “no one loves me”, I had to put a clear stop to this to start healing this destructive belief. I decided to meet with this person the same day. It did not matter anymore how long it would take to solve our difference and I made the commitment to live an environment where I am liked instead of feared. I can still be true to my own needs and their needs at the same time. I committed to do what it takes for people to like me. I have had the attitude that I do not care what people think about it as long as things get done.

Ten days have passed and it is now the time for the second Kambo with Graciela. The positions of the burns are typically intuitively felt by the shaman just before the ceremony. But the night before, I had woken up Teal by talking in my sleep saying very clearly “6 points in the palindrome”. While I did not this before, a palindrome is a word that reads the same backward and forward such as “madam”. While at breakfast, we felt intuitively that it is a message for the Kambo ceremony as “points” are another word for the burn marks used to absorb the frog medicine. Graciela does a Google and tells us that “eye” is the only body part that is a palindrome. This discovery triggers me. After I started dating Teal, I had told her I did not need to take Kambo because she was my medicine. While this is true, the other reason I did not want to do Kambo because it makes marks on the body and all my life, I have been uncomfortable with anything that alters the original nature of the body. Now, they are talking about a burning stick in the eye! Teal asked me to think what it would really mean. I feel intuitively that it must be the third eye however I am thinking that the last thing I want to do is to have burn marks on my forehead especially that I am an important upcoming business meeting in the US. I start to complaint, revolt and state clearly that I do not want to do it. Teal looks at it and she starts experiencing genuine sadness and she shed a couple of tears. She said “How ironic” as, in the same token, I would rather look good than love her. Over the last previous days, we had a couple of arguments where I deflected my shame into her and made her feel like the one with problems while I was actually the one creating the trigger in the first place. During these times, I had chosen to defend my self-concept and look good instead of seeing the truth. I started to feel her pain, disappointment and sadness about me. At that moment, I remember the time where I would have given everything just for the opportunity to have a date with her. I reminded myself of my commitment to remove any wall that stands between me and her, and my promise to her that as long as I can breath, I will always choose to love her. Her Love had defeated me and I accepted reluctantly to get Kambo from my forehead as I reminded myself that my relationship with her is to me so much more important than looking good. I started thinking about wearing a hat, or put my hair in front of the marks to get more comfortable about the idea and get into acceptance with this higher guidance. She re-assures me that she can make them look good. An hour later, I am laying down ready for the application of Kambo, I remind myself of my intention “I want to see” focusing on my 3rd eye chakra. Six burns are applied on my forehead. Shortly after, I experience a faster heartbeat, and I start to emit some tones to clear energy in my throat chakra that is between my heart and third eye. The medicine takes much more time to work on me than the previous session. It took at least ten minutes before the need to purge. Teal is in the room typing on her computer writing her next Ask Teal episode. I reach out to her in a vulnerable to stop doing it, as I really need her undivided attention. This is ironic too as I am typically the one absorbed on my computer tuning other people out. A vision starts coming through. My consciousness becomes Teal as a child on a table. I am in the process of being tortured by Doc. He shows absolutely no empathy like he is working on a robot. I experience unbearable pain. On the other side of Doc comes the spirit of Teal’s mother. She does not see Teal’s pain and push it back onto her not understanding why her daughter is acting so uncontrollably and wondering what is wrong with her. She gets angry with her. Back on the table, I feel like I am made to swallow my own vomit. I am in pain as I purge but I realize suddenly that I am so lucky that I am able to scream or vomit. It feels like such a good release and I receive the loving attention of both Teal and Graciela in the room. When Teal was tortured, she did not have the luxury of any form of release. Doc would put something in her mouth to prevent her from screaming. The torture experienced felt so much more horrific when there is not even a possibility to release and to witness the complete emotional disconnection from Doc. I am now transported into a different mindscape that I see is connected to a vision I had 5 years previously during a breathwork facilitated by Todd Zimmerman (Todd came to Philia from March 11^th to 18^th 2017). At that time, five years ago, one of the women breathing in the room was reliving a rape she had experienced as a teenager. She yelled from such a profound part of her being that it started to affect me and I relived intuitively a sensation of a past life where I was a father where my father got raped and I made it worse through my own behavior. Now, under Kambo, what was an alluring feeling 5 years ago during that breathwork session appears as a very clear past life in high definition. We are back in time and I am a spiritual teacher in India with an important following. I am a scholar, I hold an impressive spiritual knowledge of the scriptures. I think I know everything, and I have always a response to any of my followers’ questions. My ego is huge and I am full of myself. I am respected and feared, and some of my domineering and inflexible attitudes create antagonism too. Through unfortunate circumstances, my only daughter gets raped by some of my enemies as they try to hurt me through her. I see myself being furious at my daughter telling her how she brought ridicule and dishonor onto our family and my reputation. I shun her and punish her. I make it all her fault. Because of my hardness, cold and cruel behavior, she commits suicide and dies. When my followers inquiry about this tragic event, I tell them with utter certainty as someone believing his own lies, that a life had come where she would awaken so she decided to take the opportunity and exit her body. Deep down, I know I am the one responsible for the death of my only daughter because I kept spreading shame on her open wound. During that life, I never let myself experience consciously the responsibility for her death. From that point on, I went downhill and created a lot of damage among my followers. I see how my cult experience in this life was a direct consequence of this karma. I see clearly who is the reincarnation of my daughter in this life. I experience sincere regrets towards this person and I got to better understand her antagonistic behavior towards me that never seemed to make sense. I experience a desire to make it better, and can now more easily let go of her behavior that I judged as unfair. I understand that lack of empathy is the most dangerous thing of the world. If every one of us could feel each other pain, the world would be so different. Family quarrels, work oppression, crime, wars would end immediately. I decide to make a total commitment to allow myself to feel. I realize that I used the tools of self-development and spirituality to make myself comfortable and avoid pain no matter what are the circumstances and I became a “master coper” as a result. I now consciously choose to feel in full awareness even if it involves pain in order to become fully alive.

Healing The Un-Healable

August 28, 2016June 28, 2019 / vaillantgicqueau / 25 Comments

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Teal woke me up at dawn this morning. She felt extremely dizzy. I walked her to the bathroom, as she could not do it herself. I re-assured her, held her tight and got one more hour of rest. Still in my arms, I asked her if she was feeling better. She replied that she had not slept and had been doing mental & emotional exercises to counteract the dizziness. I thought she might have BPPD (Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo), a condition I suffered a couple of years ago. I started to apply the Apley maneuver on her.

Blake walked into the room and wondered what I was doing with her. He has gotten used to non-normality having lived with Teal for thirteen years. He inquired about her condition with genuine care. He had come into the room to go over the last actions on the agenda today for helping Teal make the New-York Times Best Seller list with her new book “The Completion Process”. But she was not in the condition to talk about the plans. By a lucky twist of fate, one of our community members stopped by the house and came up into our bedroom to say hello. As a victim of ritual abuse too, she realized that Teal’s dizziness was most likely not a physical condition as I had suspected but was instead a symptom of a trigger. Some cults use a variety of programs to confuse, disorganize or block the memories so that the victim cannot speak about the abuse or often even remember it. These programs are called “scrambler programs”. Teal has unraveled several of these programs within herself over the last 10 years. We collectively decided that Teal should do The Completion Process by going into the dizziness instead of trying to take action to make the dizziness go away. But today was Mark’s birthday (Teal’s ex husband and the father of her son). So the community had several birthday activities planned. We made the decision that Teal and I should stay behind to do this important healing work and meet up with them later.

I locked the door to ensure that our process would not be interrupted. Before starting, I asked Teal if anything happened that could have created the dizziness. She remembered she had a small panic attack last night. Before going to sleep, she went to check on Winter (her son). But she could not find him in his bedroom. She went to Blake’s room and other parts of the house and eventually came to me out of breath and full of terror, saying that she could not find Winter anywhere. I went to his room that had been transformed in a fortress over the weekend. After scouring the fort, I found him. He had made his way up on top of the fort and was sleeping in peace out of view. Because of his position and the blanket fortress, it was impossible to see him from the entrance of his bedroom or from inside the fort. Teal could breath again. But the emotional damage had been done. Unfortunately, we went to bed immediately after the incident without working through any of the terror she had felt thinking that he had been abducted.

I started to guide her into the Completion Process. The first step is to get in touch with the body sensations and the feeling that pertains to the trigger, dizziness in her case. She felt her heart being torn. She was frozen and in a state of shock. She started to get the intense smell of dial soap so she dived deeper into this smell, understanding that it was part of the traumatic memory that was linked to the trigger.

Teal, 11 at the time, found herself in the basement of the mortuary where Doc’s friend worked. The man was washing the body of an older woman who was there to be prepared for a funeral with Dial soap. Teal expressed her distress at remembering the absence of bleeding, which she explained is characteristic of corpses. Doc and the mortician had put her into a plastic basin of icy water from her necks to her knees. They had waited for her to stop shivering and then Doc and the mortician spun her in circles to the right until she was so dizzy that she was falling over. Doc and the mortician were programming her so that she would forget what she had seen just hours earlier that day. I asked her to rewind back to see what had happened before she was brought to the mortuary. She saw a hand. It was a child’s hand coming out of a wooden storage crate. The memory started to unfold.

It was 1995. Teal’s mother had wrapped up cold boiled corn in a plastic bag and sent her with Doc on veterinary rounds. Teal’s parents mistakenly considered him a family friend and a mentor for Teal’s unusual extrasensory abilities at the time. He drove Teal to a dairy farm. It was the most dilapidated dairy farm they visited on rounds. The conditions were ghastly. Doc had been called to put a cow to sleep that was infected with listeria. It is a disease that makes cows turn around in circles until they cannot move anymore. Teal stood in the manure, frozen as usual, when a man came out of the farm brick house looking upset and preoccupied. He went over to speak with Doc in private at a distance in the paddock. Doc became visibly upset as well and waved for Teal to come right away.

Doc started driving in a rush with his truck. When Teal asked where they were going, he hit her very hard and angrily on the head with his fist. Her vision went black as a result. She pretended she had been knocked out to avoid further beating. After a while, he pulled into the driveway of a red brick house. Doc was so disconnected and caught up in his own thoughts that he did not acknowledge Teal. He focused his attention on a distressed man coming out of the house. Teal assumed that he had an emergency problem with an animal of some kind and had called Doc for this reason. She recognized the man as a newer cult member. He had attended a ceremony Teal was taken to previously. Doc acted suspicious as he took Teal to the right side of the house to a side entrance. It was as if he did not want the neighbors to notice them.

They went down into a cellar that was loosely attached to the main house. It was full of old rusted farm tools and some storage food. In the right corner of the cellar, there was a rectangular cement pit with a huge wooden shipping crate laid over the top of it. Teal went into shock when she saw the tiny hand of a little girl trying to reach out through the slits of the crate. She was crying and begging to be let out. She would stop for minutes at a time then start crying again and reach out through the slits. The man who owned the house was sweating. He was telling Doc that he wanted to drop her off where he had found her, like nothing happened. He had abducted her in order to be elevated in the cult ranks by offering her in sacrifice for the upcoming September 21^st equinox ceremony. He was expected to keep her during that time but the despair and angst of the innocent victim that was probably only 6 had started to shake the little bit of conscience that was left in him. He was panicking and wanted to take it back. He was not yet a full-blown psychopath like Doc that had lost any capacity for feeling. Doc had been sent by the other cult members to survey and “cleanup the mess” this man had created.

Doc explained to the man that he had to keep the little girl until the next ritual or kill her and that he could not bring her back under any circumstances, as it would put him as well as the cult at risk. Their discussion continued for a while and during that time, they were fully oblivious to Teal. Doc became impatient and fed up with the man’s weakness and indecision so he took the matter into his own hands. He charged into the house and took the man with him. Teal had sat down in the cellar and was staring at this little hand in complete terror. She was mentally running through scenarios about letting her out and escaping with her. She was unsure if she could move the crate. Lost in thought, she mentally ran through all the potential consequences of making an escape with the girl. But Doc interrupted her frantic thinking when he stormed in carrying a huge pot of boiling water. He dumped it onto the little girl through the crate. The little girl was screaming and crying. He reached back to take a second pot of boiling water from the man, and dumped it on her again. Her screams and cries came to a brutal stop. The other man then dumped a third pot of boiling water over the silence of the pit.

Teal was stuck in a state of shock, witnessing the murder of this little girl. Teal had covered her eyes and cried into her palms. She was in fact doing the very same thing in real time as the result of the integration of this memory. It was really hard to watch her cry so hard. It was tempting to pull her out of the memory. But, knowing how this deep resolution work functions, I decided to let her continue with the memory.

Still unconcerned with Teal, the two men pulled the crate up and let it fall to the side. Teal saw a little Caucasian girl with brown hair, drenched and with red and white splotches all over her body because of the burning water. Doc pulled her out and to the side of the house into the daylight. He ordered the man to get him some twine. The man came back with some orange bailing twine, which Doc wrapped around her neck three times as if he was calf roping the girl. He held it tight with enough force to break her neck. He had strangled her to be sure she was dead. Then he covered her in a brown sheet, carried her to the back of his veterinary trailer and shut the door. He said something to the man at a distance. The man seemed ashamed and conflicted but relieved. Doc then grabbed Teal by her arm and led her forcefully to the truck. They drove together to the mortuary where his cult friend was working. Doc took Teal and the corpse of the little girl into the bottom floor of the mortuary where the embalming took place. Teal was numb with shock when she entered and they walked in on the mortician cleaning the corpse of the old lady with Dial soap. When the mortician heard the whole story from Doc, he shook his head in disgrace knowing that he would have to cremate the body of the little girl to cover up the murder so nothing would be traced back to the cult group.

When they were done talking, the two men turned their attention back to Teal. They had decided to try to implant a scrambler program to try to cover up what Teal had experienced and seen that day. They put her into a basin filled with icy water and threatened that if she told anyone what happened, they would end up opening her up like the old lady on the metal table. Doc injected something with a needle into the back of her neck to sedate her. They spun her in circles to make her so dizzy that her nervous system would shut down. They laid her on the floor and had her repeat to herself over and over again ”I remember nothing, everything is black”. They were creating a scrambler program. Doc stuck her arm with another needle and within a matter of seconds, Teal felt herself dissolve into peaceful darkness. When she opened her eyes again, she felt still very dizzy and sick. Doc had driven her back home to the end of her driveway. He told her that she had passed out at the dairy farm and he brought her home because she was probably sick. When he brought Teal back to her parents, he told them that he thought she was coming down with the flu. Her mom responded “You look pale, Sis!” and told her to go get into bed. Her mom brought her some Canada Dry Ginger Ale to help her feel better. In reality, Teal was in shock and coming out of forced drug sedation.

As Teal was re-experiencing the memory, I followed the Completion Process steps and supported her throughout the horror. I asked her gently to bring her adult perspective to the scene in order to re-create the past. She imagined that the adult self had called the police and fifteen police cars had stormed to the house, saving the little girl from a tragic death. The two men were arrested. For the first time in her life, Teal said she felt reassured to see the police. She imagined her parents being called by the police and being brought to the scene and being told about what had really been going on between Doc and her for the past 5 years. Competent therapists came to take care of Teal, the little girl and her parents. She imagined her parents moving away to a monastery with Teal and her brother to heal. She then imagined that I brought her into her safe haven. We put the transformed memory into a balloon and she popped it with a needle. Using visual techniques, we purified the eleven-year old Teal in the river there. She felt like cutting her hair so that none of this experience would be left in her body. So we brought a wise shaman woman and she created a ritual to complete her purification. Her head was shaved and they let her hair flow downriver. Her traumatized child self refused to merge back with the adult perspective but instead wanted to be held lovingly and to fall asleep that way, surrounded in downy white blankets. Teal then came back to her conscious perspective.

I can see clearly now how the panic of her son missing the previous night and the corn on the cob we bought and boiled to eat the night before had created the perfect trigger storm for Teal. This is what life is like for people who are forced to live life with Complex PTSD.

When we were talking today together in a salt bath that I put her in to diffuse some of the emotional residue, Teal expressed that from her perspective, this little girl was “lucky” to die and not to survive this trauma like she had to. I understood this perspective. I was reminded of a movie that I watched recently. The movie is called “Room”. What makes this movie unique is that it shows the aftermath of trauma. It shows how trauma leaves the victim isolated in their own torment, unable to connect with an external world that cannot see or understand them. I could see how a “reset” would feel much better than years worth of trying to heal what feels un-healable. I gently reminded her that though the last ten percent of healing seem to be the hardest, she has already done ninety percent of the healing. And I reminded her that millions of people are looking to her for the courage to believe that the worst ordeals may be healed and transformed into something beautiful.

While she still feels very vulnerable after coming out of the integration process of this triggered memory, her dizziness is gone and we were able to celebrate Mark’s birthday with the rest of the community in the beautiful city park. Most people could not survive what Teal has survived, much less end up as functional as she is in spite of it all. But some part of me wishes that anyone who doubts her history would be forced to come live with her for a month to see firsthand what she has to grapple with every day in the aftermath of such unspeakable trauma. It is not for the faint of heart. I feel extremely fortunate to share in the life of this extraordinary woman and to share her journey of healing. Every day I am fortunate enough to witness a remarkable soul diving into the darkest aspects of human consciousness and finding her way back home. And leading everyone else back home in the process.

	Driving from the USA… on Driving from the USA to Costa…
	Driving from the USA… on Driving from the USA to Costa…
	Driving from the USA… on Driving from the USA to Costa…
	Driving from the USA… on Driving from the USA to Costa…
	Driving from the USA… on Driving from the USA to Costa…

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